Just thought I would strike up some conversation this morning (well...here it's morning anyway).

There are ton's of pressure against guys in current society. The reason I bring this up is approaching girls (not in a creepy way). But you know, sometimes guys are genuinely trying to meet people and if it happens to be a girl, the girl seems to assume that the guy is trying to hit on them. How else would you expect people to make friends without introducing yourself and trying to strike up conversation?

Don't get me wrong, there are creeps in this world, but don't judge us all in the same way. Personally, it hasn't happened to me in person, because I am usually out with friends or studying, so I don't get a chance to meet new people often. But I've noticed it on the forums a bit. Guys usually get brushed off and ignored if the person they are introducing themselves to happens to be a girl. Anyone else notice or is it just my peepers?

Hahah. It depends on the place and situation, friend. A woman who thinks you're a "creep" for approaching her in a bar or club or at a social affair is pretty crazy. Try meeting girls at school (if you're still a student), especially clubs...

Forums can be tricky. I guess first become an "established" member (someone who has been on the forum for awhile), also having a profile picture doesn't hurt, before introducing yourself to some random girl, otherwise it could be regarded as being creepy.

This is different from Facebook and Myspace, where most people don't really care about that sort of stuff. Most only care about the number of people they have on their Friends list, heh.

haha I guess I forgot to mention that. Don't get me wrong, I agree if approached in a weird/strange way, anyone would be wary (guy or girl). I also get that it's not about the amount of friends people accumulate on here (similar to Facebook/Myspace), but it seems difficult to reach out to people. But I guess it's not surprising with all the issues the internet has gotten with internet-creepers lol.

Let's say this forum was a train, you get on the train and see a girl and say, "Oh hey, you take the train? I take the train too, maybe you and I can be friends.". You know, sometimes it might work (???) but I'd understand if the girl thinks you're a creep and/or hitting on her.

^ Lol, exactly. That's where the whole "eye contact" comes into play. You look at her, if she's interested, she'll look back at you. Even if she's a shy girl, she'll still try to glance back at you quickly. That's your cue to approach right there. Look at her facial expression too, of course. If she has that whole "What the hell are you looking at?" look on her face, then move on heh.

Uh, again, that doesn't apply to forums. On forums, you just have to exchange posts with whomever that is you want to know by posting in the same thread that person posts in, especially if you quote her. She'll recognize your nickname and perhaps a friendship can develop from there.

Hmm, I don't get the whole reaching out on forums though. This is where we discuss stuff...

^It's not more of a reaching out as a "oh I need help" kinda thing. Sorry for the vauge OP.

I mean on the basis of making friendships (strickly speaking). I agree, it's a forum where discussions will be had, but also in the same time, I believe it's similar to social networking since most of us are on here discussing topics we all have in common in some way or form. I guess I was thinking this forum to be similar to a social club. lol But it was just a thought I had this morning, I don't know why really.

It comes across as being hit on bec unless your doing something that qualifies as a mutual interest, what basis could you have for wanting to be friends? Bars, clubs, transportation and the street/ shopping centers do not qualify as mutual interests. Most friends you make are from work and school bec they tend to be very relevant to your interests. Hence, when someone approaches you outside of that, it looks fishy.

Yeah it's quite easy to make friends online. Just go on Facebook, youtube, myspace, twitter, (or even Soompi) and 'friend' someone or send them a pm and there you have it - you've made an online friend. However, most of us guys prefer to meet a girl in the flesh obviously - and that's harder. How do you start a conversation with a random stranger shopping in the mall, or sits two rows down from you in lecture, or anything like that is quite difficult. You can try any sort of approach, but in all cases there's a risk of 'creepiness'. It's the art and the technique I think - guys who are very charismatic can make friends with women even in the most bizarrest of situations.

It sort of goes both ways, really: girls and women who are friendly to random guys with the intention of making friends are often assumed to be hitting on them. The only difference is that the girl is less likely to be considered a "creep" barring overt weirdness.

Tonnes of pressure? Then go against the norm Mate, have the right mindset first, don't let courting or dating seem so difficult when it is far from it.

If the girl thinks that you are hitting on them and feel invaded, find a different way to approach them. How many times do you actually introduce yourself within the first minute of meeting someone (non work related)? I honestly hardly do, we randomly choose a topic to discuss and it flows from there.

Sounds like you just need some confidence.

I do act a little "off" towards men who approach me at first, because if they're only trying to approach me for a romantic reason, then they'll automatically be turned off, however, I've found that men who are interested in a friendship, or just getting to know someone, are willing to try a little bit harder to get past that tough exterior.

i clicked here to see how you guys are suffering.
*evil laugh*

arent girls the same too then?
if a girl comes off friendly, people think she's easy and such.

but yes i agree, if a guy tries talking to me i would think that busta be all up in my space. back off fool!

i think it varies from people to people.
some welcome it, others totally dont.
but yah.

Morning Haku!

I reckon it depends on all types of factors (e.g. timing, location, maturity, situation, trend, availability etc.) But yes, this applies to women, too

Speaking from experience, I find I can tell a sleazebucket from a guy who is genuinely building rapport whether or not anything comes from that conversation, regardless of how brief or frequent the interaction. Same thing goes for the Internet.

As for forums, I'm not familiar with the ins/outs on Soompi (yet) but I feel if you're being brushed off, then that's a good sign, that they're initially not interested - either next or try a different approach (you know who you are, their loss ) But I reckon you should be clear and realistic of the status of those who you consider potential friends, especially on forums

lol, this is why I've given up on women. I was born in the wrong day and age. To be on top, you need charisma, personality, good looks, lots of money, etc. I lack all of those. There's a whole laundry list of things to live up to. And, for the woman that finds a dude that lacks half of those yet still accepts, then that woman lives in my fantasy and lives in his life. For the friendship aspect? Who am I kidding, it never lasts. I'm too boring. I wish I was Tyler Durden.

haha I love all of your replies! I suppose it is a confidence issue for me. But it just gets frustrating when I am strickly looking for friendship, it's difficult to continue on friendly if the girl/guy becomes "stand-off ish".

But I do agree it does go both ways, I guess I always thought girls had it easier to approach the opposite sex. I hardly to approach people out in random public places like malls or even university. I would only engage conversation if that person happened to be in my class or I just happen to sit by them once in awhile.

But you all convinced me, it's difficult for both genders

i would say that this piece will give you a good insight as to WHY women might avoid you:
http://www.racialicious.com/2009/09/23/oh-...ak-to-a-brotha/

i don't mind talking with people...when i'm in the mood.
but what happens many times is that a guy approaches a girl to be "just friends" or "just to chat", then it turns into him wanting to date her, and she is not into it. instead of accepting that she's not into him, he then goes into this whole "omg, that girl is such a b****! she strung me along! she was just playing me!" etc etc.

if there were more guys who were just willing to chat, and not looking to get action, then i think that girls would be more open to you.
it's not that you are a bad person, but that the average guy that i or any girl is probably going to come across is looking more for mutual interest in having sex together rather than mutual interest in politics or something...

^If you could explain to me what a blog post about Black men has to do with this topic or how it answers the topic starter's questions, that would be priceless.


I would not want to meet a guy over a forum. That's the reason, really. I'll be friendly but don't ask me any of my business, keep the conversation neutral and just talk about other things, other people etc.

^I guess I was too vague in my OP. I didn't mean it as, "oh hey, you're on the forum, lets meet in real life" or "lets have an internet relationship". I suppose my mind set was incorrect, I was thinking along the lines of penpals. Even those are difficult. lol

^ This

But honestly I've never seen a forum devolve into people trying to get 'too friendly' with each other. That type of behavior is usually reserved for places like Facebook. IRC is also notorious for guys hitting on people who they think are girls. It's funny, really.

In real life, I find most girls put up that hard external persona when a guy tries to talk with them for the first time, even when he genuinely only wants to be a friend. I don't blame the the girl, and I think all guys expect that kind of treatment to a certain extent. It really is up to the guy to break open that shell. The only thing I find tragic is that some guys are genuinely nice, but seem like total creeps when they're trying to get past a girl's initial coldness.

1. the topic started asked why he gets a cold reaction from girls when he talks to them (ones he doesn't know)

2. the post on that page talks about why the girl doesn't talk to men she doesn't know

3. question answered?

4. to elaborate, the link i posted goes into detail about things that many women face when it comes to dealing with men. the woman used a black man in her example, but if you read the comments (which i assume you didn't), many women voiced that they deal with the same issues from men of various races.
because a number of men choose harassing ways to approach women, women then make the assumption that any male who approaches her is going to go through a whole routine.
i don't know why the only thing you focused on was that she used a black man in her essay. would you have been so quick to complain if the writer did not use race? or if the writer was talking about white or asian men?

oh, and i came across this today, another reason why girls are reluctant to talk with guys:
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009...extbook-dmitri/

This is because forum macking is mad creepy.

And in real life, you run into your share of people who just aren't in the mood. But you get a good share of friendly responses too. It's not like life is really bad for dudes. If you aren't creepy, most of the time you won't come across as creepy.

If you want to make friendships with a girl, then you really gotta act like friendships are all you want. I don't get it when guys find it hard to imagine an approach for a platonic friendship. It's all about vibes, points of discussion, and mirroring personalities.

If a girl gets a creepy vibe, then score a point for the girl. In this day and age, a girl has to protect herself, and if it means one less potential male friend, then so be it. A guy also cannot badger a girl with questions like it is a police interrogation ("Damn.. the weather sucks.. do you like the rain? What's your favorite season? I like the fall.. do you like the fall?"). To rid himself of that creepy "I'm going to ask you out" vibe, he sort of has to act like a d*** sometimes. Make the girl go halfway as well. And if a girl is happy and talkative, then a guy can be cheery and chatty. If she isn't, then either let her loosen up or chalk it up to bad luck.

I don't think meeting friends of either genders are that different. There are differences, but if you can find a tone of your personality that is gender neutral, then you sort of neutralize the differences.

Yeah I've had that happen. They just assume. Don't think about that a lot... you weed out the rude people in life. Only if you go say hi to all of them will you make new friends... and possibly a significant otoh hell.

Gender neutralness definitely makes a difference. Don't approach a woman you just want to get to know as a possible platonic friend--or even just want to ask directions or for help--the way you would a woman you're interested in, approach her more like you would another random man or more like a person with no gender at all. Some guys just can't seem to help changing the way they approach women compared to men in 100% of situations, but that's exactly what makes women think they're being propositioned with something more sexual in mind, which is when the not-so-warm responses can come back at you. I have no problem responding to random guys in everyday life if they approach me in a neutral way, which usually also includes coming up with something to talk about that's not personal and not the least bit flirtacious.

Let me give an example from my own life. This is more like the "can't talk to a brotha" situation than a guy actually trying to strike up a friendship, but it will illustrate what this guy did wrong to get a negative response and the wrong assumptions he made about the reasons for that response.
One night, a couple of (female) friends and I were walking back to our university residence in Toronto. A young man, who happened to be black, was with a couple of (male) friends. As we passed, he stepped out into the middle of the sidewalk and said, in the greasiest and most overconfident voice possible, "Hey ladies, we're visitors in town, wanna show us around?" A couple of us shot him not-so-nice looks and all three of us just kept going around him without stopping and said "No, thanks." He got mad and called after us "It's because I'm black, ain't it?" No, I'm pretty sure it was because he 1) called us "ladies," which is usually a clear sign of a guy trying to pick someone up if said guy is young and using a flirtatious tone, 2) asked us to "show him around" instead of asking something more innocuous like "Could you point us to __________?" or "Would you mind recommending someplace to ________ to us?", and 3) he waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Apparently, he thought that all of that would have gotten us to respond positively if he were white, Asian, or whatever. Actually, he would have gotten a positive response if he had acted differently (e.g., politely asked "Excuse me, would you mind showing us where X place is?") and still been black, and the response would have been equally negative if he acted the same and only his race varied. We might actually have shown him how to get someplace or even talked to him at length, maybe even become buddies for the night, if he'd only approached in less of an "I'm a young sleazeball trying badly to pick up girls" kind of way.

It seemed like he wasn't just looking for a couple of nice people to show him around and wanted to hit on girls for fun, but it clearly illustrates why young men even trying to approach young women going about their lives out of any common context can put a woman immediately on her guard. It may not be you at all, it's the 50 guys before you who were actually looking for something else or just plain harassing her, but it helps to not use any of the signals or body language you would use when actually trying to pick a girl up. Don't give any sign at all that you're even thinking of her as a woman and your chances of being looked at with suspicion will be lower. Make it at least seem like you have a reason to approach her, too, for the greatest chance of success, because it seems like 90+% of guys approaching random women on the street/in the mall/at a club/wherever that isn't work or school or some common activity and actually trying to make conversation do it to hit on them.
Many women will jump to that conclusion in almost all cases because it's true so often. If you fail once and she thinks you're hitting on her, move on and try again. Sometimes a woman has just gotten so fed up that she'll have none of it regardless, even if your approach is neutral, so don't even always take it personally or like you're the one doing something wrong if you're pretty sure you got it all right and gave off no sexual vibes. It's like a defense mechanism for women: maybe you'll repel a few good ones, but at least you'll quickly blow off all the bad apples without inviting more harassment or unwanted attempts to be picked up while still being able to make friends with less random guys. For a lot of women, that's a more than fair tradeoff to make.