Nearly 50% of first-time marriages in America end in divorce. It makes one wonder whether couples are adequately preparing and doing their research by spending time getting to know each other.

Those with more relationship experience and those who spend more time getting to know each other are almost always the ones who end up in happier marriages. But just how close do you need to be with your partner before you know he or she is a good match? While dating, a person usually shows only his best side and hides his negative traits. It isn't until after the marriage when the couple moves together that the problems are revealed. And by that time, it's too late.

There are a lot of things that are very difficult to find out until after living together such as daily habits and willingness to do chores. For average couple, do you believe that it is more beneficial or harmful to spend some time living with your partner before marriage? Are there any smart alternatives?

(I'm posing this question on a non-religious basis, so please don't apply any religion-based arguments except from a practical application, i.e. natural theology)

by that respect, i would say it be benefitical to learn the truth before facing the inevitable lies.

I personally think you can learn a lot about a person by living together. Not only do you find out about daily habits and willingness to do chores (as well as other "roommate" aspects), but you learn more about your significant other as a partner. You learn about their financial habits, you learn more about their friends, family, pretty much everything. At least, this has been my experience. My bf and I have definitely learned more about each other since moving in together, and as a result have grown closer. Of course, the opposite is also possible, and in that case, I think it's better to learn sooner rather than later (as in, after the wedding).

I'm sure it's not necessary for every couple to move in together before marriage to make things work, but for me it seems to have helped.

before getting married me and my husband lived together. but before that we already decided to get married soon after.

for couples that want to give it a 'test run' before thinking about it, i have no idea how that is, but i would imagine it's a good chance to really get to know each other. but, if it doesn't work out, it really sucks for the one who has to move out...

I think it's better to live with each other first before considering marriage. It can really make or break a relationship. Some couples build stronger relationships and bonds, while others can't stand seeing each other 24/7. It helps to see and learn more about each others' lives and see if you guys will be ready for marriage.

I think it's good to live together before marriage. I do remember though, during my sex psychology class where a research experiment stated that a couple living together more than 6 months before marriage have a higher chance of splitting up/getting a divorce. So maybe move in together but not too long as a non-married couple?

To me, I think living together before marriage is an advantage. Not only because you can get to know your spouse before actually marrying them, but just a glimpse of what it's like in the "two people world" or Honeymoon phase. See if couples are really IN love, and by that, it means being with them 24/7, eating, sleeping, cleaning, and how to adapt to each others lifestyles.. (eating dinner later, waking up early to cook breakfast).. it helps people see if they are truly ready for marriage. Also I also think it's a good side, for those that have never lived on their own, have been with their parents since birth, to see if they have grown up and can take care of themselves as well the responsibility to care for another person.

and if things happen such as "being too annoyed, fights, possibly stolen items.. its best for that to have happened than before it's too late.


For me, me and my boyfriend want to live together, but that wont happen anytime soon. we still have school, were not funded (no work, still rely on parents sometimes)

Even though it kind of goes against my beliefs as a Christian, I think it's good to move in before marriage to get to know each other better too. I'd much rather find out that the guy's not someone I want to live with for the rest of my life before I say "I do."

Would I like to live with my boyfriend before I marry him? Of course I would - I would learn a lot about him.
Do I have to? Absolutely not.

I think if a couple is ready to get married, it shouldn't matter whether he leaves the toilet seat up, it shouldn't matter if he snores, it shouldn't matter if he's messy because if you truly love that person then you should be able to work together to solve these problems. Couples that end up getting a divorce and say it's because they didn't live together beforehand shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. They didn't get a divorce because they didn't learn about their habits before getting married, they got a divorce because they weren't willing to compromise and change for their partners.

it could be beneficial in that you can see that person in their "off" mode.
but, i have a feeling that a lot of people live together for months or years before getting married, but still divorce.

the divorce is going to come probably out of a lot of small things that build up.

Besides my belief on issue like this, I don't believe that living together before marriage is beneficial. If you like numbers (we like numbers, right? ), then statsically, people who live together before marriage have a higher chance of divorcing, a higher chance of being murder by their lover, a higher chance of being abuse, more negative communication in marriage, a lower level of satisfaction, and a lower levels of male commitment to spouse. I don't believe in marriage myth: living together before marriage and test how well are you "suited" for each other. Even those who have done studies on this don't support it.

My 2 cent.

If the relationship isn't lacking in fundamentals like trust, respect, cooperation and dedication it won't really matter if you live together first or not.

I am against it as well. Just a few have stated before me, there are studies out there and show that couples who lived together before marriage have a higher divorce rate than those that do not. That says something to me.

My sister met a guy, dated him for over 5 years, and they moved in together after 2 years. They even moved across the US together. My sister had a decent job, so her boyfriend decided that he didn’t need to work or help out with anything. He even admitted that he didn’t want to get married to her because he was getting everything he needed with no commitment. They broke up.

I agree that most couples do not really get to know one another, but not in the same areas that most would think. Most relationships seem to start based on that initial attraction, which is usually physical. As time goes on they start to get to know one another based on other aspect such as character. They don’t bring up the important issues until way into the relationship. Everyone has certain areas that they are willing to compromise on and areas that they are not. But since we don’t tend to talk about this sort of stuff until we have known someone for quite a while, if we find they differ on the non compromising issues, it is really hard to break it off. My personal belief is that dating for any other reason other than to find a potential mate is silly. I think you need to find someone that you are compatible with. And when you go in with that mindset, you start things off very differently. Instead of focusing on the things that don’t matter, you focus on the things that do.

I sound like an harmony ad. Haha.

Not divorcing is not an indication of the [good] quality of the marriage.

I don't think you can really generalize whether or not moving in together will help, it really depends on the couple.

This is the key issue of this discussion imo. Other than any symbolic gestures, what incentive would be there to marry when living together yields the same quality of life?

Living together is not a commitment, it is mainly testing waters. Unfortunately, the test sometimes last a little too long and causes many relationships to fizzle. Ladies, get your blokes to marry you first.

In my opinion, living together before marriage has nothing to do with it. After all it's a piece of paper. Does having a ceremony, signing a piece of paper, and taking someone's last name (or them taking yours) mean you love the person more or take your commitment to that person more seriously? And please keep in mind this is a general question and not directed to anyone in particular. More of a question to think about. This is a bit off topic but back in the day the divorce percentage wasn't as high because people thought it was taboo or something to be ashamed of. Not because people knew how to handle their marriage better.

I don't think I would ever marry someone, before living with them first.

I live with my fiance, but our circumstance is a little different, since we started living together pretty much from the start of our relationship. We didn't intend to live with each other when we first started dating, it's just ended up that way since my mom got angry with me and kicked me out of the house, so I lived with him and his friends and...well it worked out well for us so we kept living together lol.

But, throughout that time we have learned so much about one another. I know him like the back of my hand. There were things I had to get adjusted oo, but because we weren't married there wasnt a lot of pressure, if I couldn't learn to adapt to his habits, I could move on. Thankfully, we mesh very well together, we had to make changes but we made changes together and they were all pretty minor.

But neither of us our religious. I am not preaching to anyone saying you must live with one another before marriage, I just can't imagine committing myself to a marriage if i don't know my partner damn near as well as I know myself.

I believe living together before marriage is beneficial for the relationship.

My gf and I decided to get be married together before we moved in together. So far its been great, more ups and hardly any downs.

I recommend it to everyone because its something more to learn about your s/o.

i totalli agree wif u.
my situation is sorta similar to urz but i'm not completely moved in yet. i still spend half the week at home to make the transition easier for everybody. I'm from a religious background, & my family is completely against living together before marriage but that's just retarded. we've learned so much about eachother & both had to adjust & adapt & at timez it wasnt easy. its an experience every couple need to determine whether ur s/o is right for u or not. marriage is just a piece of document, living together is what ur gonna do for the rest of ur life 2gether...

I think marriage is an outdated concept and that living with someone while sharing their bed and having them listed as your "girlfriend/boyfriend" on official documents is exactly the same as doing so with a husband or wife.

So there's no difference between living with your boy/girlfriend or husband/wife.

Completely agree.
Many mention that they want to check their s/o in their 'off' or 'alone' times, but I think if you've already gotten to know each other well enough, you'd already know what goes on 'behind the scenes'. Even if you discover some un-tidy habits, snoring, or what have you, would it really be a deal-breaker?
I see it all the time. Women complain their boyfriends have no intention of marriage, even when they are happy with their s/o. Well, when you're already playing house, what's the incentive to actually take the plunge?

This is a bit of a tangent to the topic, but I'm curious as to why some consider marriage to be nothing more than an outdated tradition or 'just a piece of paper'. Believe it or not, your life is already muddled with TONS of 'just paper' negotiations or contracts. Take for example your employment contract. Would you feel more safe signing a paper that outlined how much you will get paid, when, the benefits you receive, what your general responsibilities are, what type of obligations you have to the employer and employer to you, and clearly outline the terms in case of separation either by you or your employer... or would you rather just take their word for it and trust them?
Although I haven't been married, I really see the importance and value in it.
From those who've experienced it, marriage and just living together are (IMO) are two similar but completely different animals.
Kinda like paintballing and actual firefight in a war.

Marriage is an institution of a sexist religious ideal, and as women enjoy much more freedoms in today's society, yields no gain nor benefit. That's essentially why marriage is outdated and well, not to mention the finical impracticability of forking out for a huge event that is going to set back your life together considerably. A bit counter productive in that respect.

Personally, I feel that marriage is just "a piece of paper" because with or with out it people in a serious relationship should treat that relationship as if they had publicly said those vows to love each other, stay faithful, and be there for each other for better or worse. Many people in a relationship have said or heard from the other "I would never cheat on you", "I'll always love you", or "I'll always be there for you when you need me".The only difference is that when married you have a marriage license and if somebody breaks those promises or vows it costs money to break up. When I say serious relationship I mean one where both people know that that this person and no one else is the one they want to be with for the rest of their lives. Marriage works for some couples and never getting married but still committing to each other works for other couples. I'm not at all knocking down marriage (hey, I still get misty eyed at weddings when I hear the vows ) or trying to get people to believe what I do but it is something that I believe for myself.

I think living together before marriage isn't all that bad of an idea. I would like to live with my finacee (I already promised her im going to marry her...) before we get married to save money.

I think today's divorces are happening because people have a lot less patience and don't want to compromise/share/negotiate/wait as much as our mothers and fathers did in the past. What is it? We're the X? Y? generation? and during the years we grew up, it was the good times where we expected everything?

I think this plays a large role in maintaining and keeping something so sacred such as a marriage, together.

The government sees you different if you are married, rather than just a couple living together.

Actually, I learned more about my s/o in 3 months of living with him than in the past 4 years of knowing him. Likewise, he probably was in for a surprise lol. Before, when he used to visit me (we live in different states), I always cleaned up my apartment before he came. We were always together, doing things as a couple. After we moved in, I, of course, don't clean up the apartment every day before he comes home, so my clothes are a mess, and there are dishes in the sink. We don't do couply things anymore. We both loveee surfing the internet, so that's what we spend 3 hours a night doing, on our own laptops. The only time we really sit down to have an ongoing conversation is dinner. Haha. Maybe after reading all this, people think "wow she and her fiance's going to break up." But the point I'm trying to make is that when you move in together, your "real side" shows. Things that guys do that you don't like (watching football on Sunday while you nag about the trash), or things YOU do that he doesn't like (taking 20 minutes to pick out your outfit) will all show in broad daylight. What makes it WORTHWHILE to move in before you marry is whether or not you are willing to compromise and accept each other for their "flaws". Sure, I throw my clothes everywhere, and there's dishes in the sink, but I clean them up at my leisure. Sure, we don't talk most of the time, but we appreciate each other's presence every minute of the day. Now, if you find yourself getting annoyed or angry over his/her habits, that's when you should kind of reevaluate the situation. Good luck to all those out there taking the next step!

No they don't. In Australia, Gay and Defacto relationships are now seen as the same as a married straight couple in terms of benefits, official documents and also socially.

Gay's got their rights on July 1st while Defacto's have had their's for I think about 10 years now. So no, married couples aren't seen as different by the Australian Federal Government.

Living together has become beneficial to me. I was initially against the idea because of the values that my parents had taught me, but I did it out of necessity and practicality. My SO asked me to move in with him to save money, I was paying for my parents house and renting my own at the same time, and it has become too expensive for me to keep up. I didn't want to give up my parents house nor the convenience of living near my office, the most logical path to take is to move in with him.

Now I was able to keep up with my mortgage payments, take on new hobbies, pamper myself and save money on the side, and most of all I get to spend a lot of time with him. My mom supported the idea because she knew that we needed the money that I'll be saving if i did it, we just kept it hidden from my dad.

In terms of benefits, yes. Official documents? As far as I know same sex marriage is not permitted and accepted in Australia, even our PM Rudd is opposed to sex same marriage.

De facto relationships are permitted for same sex, but they are just that, de facto, the government does not see you as a married couple, even if you get married overseas.

That's my point, Gay and Defacto couples have the same rights and benefits as married people. The only difference is that they don't tick "married" on documents but that difference is purely aesthetic. And yes, same sex marriage is recognized by Centerlink, State Roads and they're working on Birth's, Death's and Marriages.

So my point stands, there is no difference between defacto and married couples in terms of anything benefits and official documents.

This is what Proposition 8 was all about in California last year: equality for gays/couples in civil unions. We are so behind here compared to the rest of the world. =(

To same sex unmarried couples/married couples, this is more meaningful than the benefits.

That's a different subject entirely and doesn't take away that they have the same rights and benefits are married couples.



Don't feel too bad, a large majority of our country think that blackface entertainment is okay.

According to most studies, living together before marriage is correlated with higher divorce rates. But this could be for any number of reasons. One theory is that people living together might expect marriage to "fix" their problems with each other, when in fact that doesn't happen. Another possibility is that the type of people who will move in together before marriage just tend to be the type of people who are likely to get divorced because of other characteristics, like personality.

I can see both side of the argument ^__^ My dad always told me to never live with bf before marriage and he never explained now, and now I kinda get it.

I don't think (who knows) have any intentions of getting married, if I do with s/o I wouldn't push for marriage I could care less as long as I'm with them >_> marriage is all about papers, screw it I don't need that.

~~~~~
Well
I know in California, if you lived with bf/gf for seven years or so, you can be considered as married without going thru papers... (I found out when my parents divorced long before I was born and just got back together without remarrying...)


I also know that in Ca also, about same sex couples; if one of them is in critical condition(in a hospital), the s/o CAN be denied access to the injured s/o because they aren't considered family/together (in some ppl's eyes...) There's is a reason why ppl are fighting so hard for Prop 8

I think it depends on the person. I mean if you're with someone for a long time I think you should pick up on some of their habits at home anyway.

If it makes you feel more comfortable and stable in relationship, then go for it. But I think it's also important to always be able to take care of yourself in case suddenly something goes wrong and you need to leave.

i guess it really depends upon everyone's own personal experience.
certain situations arise where deciding to live together can change the outcome of your relationship.
if you're not certain about the stage your relationship is at and just decide to move out together for the hell of it?
i'll say thats highly a good chance that your relationship won't last long. but if you're certain about that certain person and both of you guys are 100% sure about moving out together then maybe it won't be so bad once you decide to really tie the knot.

i just wanna add that even though today is the modern age where its not frowned upon as much as it was in the past some families/cultures still frown upon it. sometimes that one small choice to move in with your s/o before marriage can tarnish your reputation. not to mention make it harder for your family to accept. what i'm getting at is its easier said then done for those in different situations. but like they say "love conquers all" hahaha..

I believe it's beneficial to live some time together before marriage, to make sure if your s/o is really the one you want to be with for the rest of your life. I mean, considering that you shouldn't divorce after marriage, especially if the couple made some kids.

If I had made some kids, I'd try my best not to divorce, for my kids' sake, because divorcing would affect the kids, IMO.
Well at least for me, I would want to live with my parents together. It wouldn't be the same if they were divorced.

And that's why I think you should marry someone only if you really know him/her, and would be willing to live with your s/o for all your life after marriage.

Previous to my most recent experience, I would've thought otherwise because of the way I was brought up. It was then when I was going through an extremely rough time with my family that I decided to move in with my then boyfriend, who also moved out. I had the opportunity to see how he dealt with household responsibilities such as cooking and cleaning, and of course, there were the little habits like his snoring that I had to get accustomed to. In my perspectives I now view living together as a sneak preview, IF there should be a future together, to see how life would be.

I think it can be beneficial. You get to see how a person is on a day to day basis, and see how compatible you two are in that situation. Since you see each other all the time, I think this can sometimes make it easier to solve problems and 'figure out' another person. For this sort of thing though, I think you also have to be open and willing to work with any problems you encounter and to changes in the relationship. And if it doesn't work out, there's not really much legal stuff that you have to go through before you make a break.

I've been living with my boyfriend for about 3 months now, and it's been great! We've gotten into arguments and had some frustrating times, but we've worked through it together. Marriage isn't a concern for either of us (children--the same). My parents sort of thought it was weird for religious reasons, but they still helped me out (or, my mom did...), which was great. The decision made sense for me, because I don't care about marriage--it's not important to me at all. And it's the same for him.

Even if you live together before getting married there's no guarantees. My dad knows someone whose son lived with his partner for 10 years before they decided to get married. They divorced 6 months later. That's an isolated example of course.

Ok let's get one thing straight, either way, once you marry you will have to live with the person. So why not take advantage of the situation and see it all happen before surprise yourself at the end and get trapped with the big word "MARRIAGE".

because for a lot of people, marriage isn't a trap.

I say it's quite beneficial, however i'm a 'try before you buy' kind of guy. It just seems more logical to have tested the waters and know exactly what you'd be getting yourself into before deciding to potentially spend the rest of your life with them.

That's a big fail. Do you know why it happened?

LOL I was just talking about this with my mom cause she was telling me how I should get married since my boyfriend is living with me. I told her that I don't need to get married cause I'm living with him. I told my mom that I have to know him more to know if he's actually the guy who will be responsible for my kids in the future, etc. I don't want to marry a guy whose not serious about relationship you know?

So I think it's a good idea to live together first before marriage. You know a person better when you live with that person. Because outside of their home, their personality is lot different. But when they are at home, they be themselves.

Like for example, you are dating a very hot/handsome guy whose very smart in class. He's very nice to you, but is he really nice all the time? Or just when he's around with a lot of people and just outside of his home? And when you date him for a long time, you move into his home. Then you realize, there are some things that you did not expect him to be that he's actually a big messy person, irresponsible with bills, etc.

Also for example from a movie, HEARTBREAK KID (Ben Stiller). He found out about many things he didn't know when he married her. Jobs, debts, personality, etc. And guess what led him? Cheating and divorce in the end.

I think you should be very comfortable with each other before marriage. Like very comfortable as in, you don't mind farting or burping in front of each other XD

HSuke Not jumping to conclusion. But it could be because they were sick of each other. Sometimes they realize after many years later, that they rather want to be with someone else. Or scared of commitment. They want to feel young again. When being married, there's a lot of pressures from parents. Parents expect so much like baby, education, money, etc. I'm not saying they were sick of each other. It could be something else. Cheating? Change of Heart? Etc.

Frankly I don't see living together as being essential to having a successful marraige. Random habits like not washing dishes or clothes shouldn't be essential to knowing whether or not your partner is marriage material. If those details bother you then there's something fundamentally wrong if it can't be worked out.

Also I dislike it when people quote statistics, there's a statistic to support to both sides of any argument. Living together does not definitively equate to divorce. It's not like the law of gravity.

I think it's more about compatibility. How we are in our homes tends to be our true self and where our habits/ lifestyles are at their strongest. Sometimes there's just a conflict in lifestyle that you don't know about until you've observed and interacted with a person in their natural state for a while.

Just a very mild example: I have a friend of a friend that I had actually briefly considered rooming with to save money. I've known him a while and he's a very nice guy. His friend kept telling me how awful he is to live with and I didn't believe it. Months later we had a sleepover and I found out how loud he is first thing in the morning and how uninhibited he is with personal space. There's nothing wrong with these things; I'm an early riser myself and don't have a lot of qualms with personal bubbles but I could instantly see what people meant and it's something I would have never known until we'd spent the night in the same place.

Living together before marriage?
I don't think it's a good idea.

I had a friend that tried it with his girlfriend for only about 3 months, but once his fiance found out about it the entire wedding was off.