hi guys. i don't know who to talk to so please give me some advises.
what would you do IF
your dad is having an affair?

i don't know who should i tell this to... =(
1) mother? i'm afraid that she'll break down
2) elder brother? who's having a major examination a week later
3) younger brother? aged 8 (for sure no right...)
4) father? confront him and discuss?

i'm 16 btw... and i'm not that close to my dad.
i'm so afraid of losing my family. what do you think i should do??

do you have proof? because more than likely you don't really know anything and just throwing around accusations like that could be even worse for your family.

besides you're 16, what do you know?

Tell your older brother first after his exam. Then you both can see what you should do in the situation, and at least tell your mom after as well.

Do you have any evidence that your father is indeed having an affair? because your topic says

"IF my dad is having an affair.."

Don't say anything to anyone.

^that last part was unnecessary.


to original poster: how did you find out that your dad is having an affair (if)? did you see anything? hear anything?

i heard him talking over a phone.
he's usually a really stern person so his tone is always you know... heavy(stern).
he told the person on the phone yesterday.
"hey, it's really dangerous you know, i'll send you there tomorrow morning, don't go there alone okay?"
and his tone was soft at that time. i'm very sure that he's talking to a woman.
because i've heard countless conversations of him and men, it's entirely different.
it was 1230 in the midnight,
just after i went upstairs to my room but return for my left water bottle.
when i checked his call log this morning (i know this is bad but i couldn't help it)
he has already deleted that call log for the 1230 call...

what does being 16 have to do with anything? ignorant
proof? obviously she didnt pull this assumption outta her ass
i didnt have proof when i felt my dad was being shady but my instincts led me to find the truth and it turned out he was having an affair
all i can say is that i understand you wanna make the situation go as smoothly as possible if ur dad is cheatin, but you cant please everyone. u cant do much becuz even though it affects you, it's still between ur mom and ur dad. as for confrontin him... hah my sister and i caught him but he still denies it to my mom. if i could do things differently... i would not tell my mom.

yep you're right. your dad is definitely having an affair. go tell your mom asap.
your dad is a disgusting human being for cheating on your mother like that.
tell her now!!

don't freak out over one phone call. Gather more evidence...
It could be one of his family members, or an old friend. Whatever happened to giving the benefit of the doubt?

Stalk the crap out of him and enrol in law school. (or say you will, THREATENINGLY of course)

It will scare him gutless. and make him stop.

I told my dad I was going to do family law.

Actually put it down in my varsity course selection.

And now he's less of an A-hole.

go to ur bro after his exams are finished
for now u cant do much...

thanks for the replies, appreciate it very much.
my brother's examination lasts for a whole month
and i'm afraid that many things could happen in one month.
while the phone call... it couldn't be my other relatives, because we all communicate using Chinese Hokkien, never Mandarin...

=( this is so bad, i'm clueless about what to do...

It's not your business, as much as you feel like it might be. It's not your place to go snooping around and telling your parents anything, leave it alone. Even if he is having an affair it's none of your business. You're a child and they're adults, let them take care of it. Nothing you could possibly say or do would end positively.

besides you're 16, what do you know?

@bisu
that was really unnecessary
im 16, and today jsut found out my father is having an affair
and hearing you comment on such a serious topic, and also probably has no idea wat it feels like, or how it feels like with no one to confront to should jsut shut there hole
She is obviously concerned and worried. ==


Anyway back to the topic
Leave it, you shouldn't tell your mother. And if you are wrong (there is also that possibility) well things wont be that great would it.

Let your brother know, at least there is someone who knows about it, but it is really up to your father to be truthful to your mother. Even though its hard to see that right now

Since it's not a for sure thing yet, though it does seem suspicious, let your brother know. This is something you need to get involved with because you are aware of something that has to do with hurting someone's feelings. I hate it when people say to mind your own business, when it really does concern you. People have the right to know that kind of stuff - like when they're being talked about behind their back & being betrayed. No secrets. You should try talking to your dad about it, but don't point fingers, just ask, and let him know how you feel. You don't want anyones feelings getting hurt. Don't stress over it k? I hope for the best for you and your family! Remember that everything happens for a reason and you can change the path of your life with your actions for the better!

I think you should try and find more supporting evidence to support your argument. Your dad would deny it and it would only ruin/make your family atmosphere awkward if you don't have any proof/evidence to support your suspicions.

But even if you haven't found any evidence, I think you should talk to your mother about it. I personally think that if you find it suspicious, than your mom would bound to be suspicious too (but like you, also unsure), especially since she's your father's wife.


I was in a situation pretty similar to you just a few months earliar, I just found out out that my father was having an affair with a younger woman (someone who isn't much older than me), and of course, I was absolutely blown away and heartbroken. I confronted my mother about my findings and I was pretty surprised to hear that she had her own suspicions/proof of her own that my father was cheating on her.

And well, it's up to them to sort out their problems but all I can say is that as a child, it's emotionally heartbreaking to endure because my only male figure that I have, has practically disappointed and hurted me. I have completely lost my respect towards him because of what I found.


I think you should pursue your suspicions, simply because if you don't find out the truth, then you can never see your father as a respectable man ever again. I chose to confront my father because he was spending literally thousands on a wwhore whilst choosing to be stingy with the family. Namely my mom. So I was really angry.

Gosh, I'm ranting now, sorry about ranting but it's something emotional and tough to talk/discuss about.


As for age discussion - age has nothing to do with suspicious actions. If parents act suspicious, then you would automatically know. I think if you have a mature head then you're more likely to realise/become more aware about your surroundings. I'm only 17 years old and it made logical sense to see that my father was cheating on my mom.

Well, I've been in this situation before..except I had some major evidence and I don't have any siblings.
I get where you're coming from when you were checking his phone and stuff, I did the same thing! Don't feel bad.
I think you should try to get more evidence, before you make a move. You could also tell your older brother.
If you do get more evidence then explain the situation to your mom. Who knows? Maybe she already knows.

Honestly, this is such a tough situation and I really hope things turn out well for you. With that said, you can either investigate more into this matter and try to get evidence to know for sure that he's having an affair, discuss things with your siblings ... and eventually show/tell it all to your father (to convince him to stop seeing the other woman) or mother (to break the bad news to her), but be aware that worst case scenario it might cause your parents to discuss a divorce. If not that, then you can just stop here and pretend like you've seen/heard nothing for the sake of keeping your family together but you would be living with a "lie" and always know that your father is/was having an emotional affair.

It's a tough decision to make at such a young age too, think long and hard before continuing on this road. Good luck!

well, are you sure that your dad is having an affair? if you're definitely sure about it, i think you should calm yourself down first- and tell your mother because she needs to know about this matter. i think, if you keep this thing shut for a long term, things will get worse. you should tell your mom first.

I'm sorry guys, but Bisu is right.

1. At 16 years old I doubt the OP has a full grasp on the dynamics of marriage.
2. Talking calmly and sweetly does not equal having an affair.

When I was 14 I caught my mother having an affair and I kept my mouth shut and I stand by it as being the right choice. My parents eventually confronted the situation and my butting in would have just escalated an already sensitive issues. Most children do not want their parents interfering in their romantic affairs and it is certainly not a child's place to do so into their parents'.

^^ I disagree. My father also had an affair. Although my mom knew about it, I'm sure would want me and my brother to tell her anything we found out. The OP needs to gather some more evidence before saying anything, but if she does find some more evidence I think she should tell the mom. She may not understand the romantic dynamics as a child, but she is part of their family too- and a marriage is not only confined to the 'adults' when children are involved. I think a child has every right to talk to their parents about these issues- say her mom never finds out, is that right? Her father is cheating on her mother, but he hides the evidence from her- is that the right thing to do for his family and the mother? Her mother and her siblings would be essentially living a lie...if the OP knows, then they could sort out these issues. And when is the boundary of childhood and adulthood end? If she was 18, then she would be classified as an adult (in the UK anyway)- would it be right for her then? I think if she knows, she should speak up. She needs to get more solid evidence, but if she knows she should tell- in my opinion, anyway.

marriage is about trust. Cheating breaks that trust. I don't care what people say, if I found out my mum or dad was having an affair *touch wood* I would tell the other parent.

umm.. are you 100% sure???
do you have evidence???

it's not really your business. yea i understand how you don't want your family to get broken up but, this is not your forte, you don't know if this is actually true or not.
affairs and cheating isn't really not common these days....
i suggest you stay out of it because sooner or later your parents will talk to each other....

You said IF.
You can't jump to conclusions before you know for sure. I think you have to confront ur dad. No matter how uncomfortable that would be.

Happened to me before. Wait till you are absolutely sure. I guilted my father. I told him that he is either choosing me and my family or her. Then I told him that if he chose her, then everyone in the family (including his side) will look down on him and he'll never have a normal family again.
It sucks. I lost so much respect. I can't say I love him anymore because he dared to hurt me and my mother like that.

sorry to cut your post
but i went through the same thing (this year actually, not too long ago)
he's ALWAYS been stingy with us(i've never received 1 present from him ever), but there he is calling some freak in the middle of the night while we're asleep, or he comes home late, no freaking shame
we suffer cold winters, hot summers, and we never complain.
when i found out i immediately told my older brothers.
they sat him with him, and told him he had no right to disrespect our mother.
and that it was embarrassing for them to have to talk to him about this.
in the end, they told him he could leave if he wanted to, that we didn't need him anymore, they would take care of my mother and me
in the end he chose us, it was extremely awkward though, i couldn't talk to my father.
my mother completely ignored him for weeks.
but slowly the atmosphere was getting better, now my mother has forgiven him, and he treats her better now
we slowly have become a family again.

it was my mom who came to me with the evidence. so it's not like i was snooping around.
if anything i think you should mention it to your mother, she's going to find out sooner or later.
you really need to be sure though, best of luck

I would talk to your older brother, and don't confront anyone else about it unless you have proof and are for sure that your dad is having an affair.

Unless you have solid proof of him having an affair (what you have isn't really proof of anything), you shouldn't say anything. And if you DO say anything, it should be to your dad. And definitely not in an accusatory way. I don't even know how a person would bring this up, actually. Terrible situation.

If you're 100% sure.

First of all, Elder Brother: Wait till after his exams to do anything.***** Education is important

Tell your eldest brother first. You're ony 16 do not take all the pressure by yourself. Especially since you're not close to your dad confronting him by yourself won't be helpful. Try to keep this topic or incident away from you're younger brother. He is to young for this impact. I think after talking over with your eldest brother you guys can devise a plan to work things out.

If confrontation do it with your elder brother.

No, just no, I disagree 100%. You're implying that once a child is in the picture the dynamics of a marriage are no longer about those two people, and that's crazy. There is no way a child should have any input when it comes to situations involved in a marriage, or an affair, or anything like that. It's a family sure, you could say it's a family matter, but I don't consider it to be a family matter when there's nothing the child could do but be detrimental to the situation. The child saying something will not ever result in anything positive, in fact, you're subjecting the child to more than it should be subjected to.

I was 15, my mother had an affair, multiple times, and my parents handled it because they're adults. They didn't drag me into it, they didn't ask my advice. I was not an adult at the time, and it would have been impossible for me to try and fathom the situation as such.

I don't know, but your post made me cry.
My parents have been separated since I was seven (almost 15 years ago), and there's nothing I can do about it now, but I'm happy they're not together anymore, 'cause I'm sure they're happier now. I really like my dad's girlfriend, and my mom's boyfriend's nice too.
Anyway, you're also lucky 'cause you have your brothers. When this happened to me, I had no one. I was crying all by myself. I have a younger brother, but he was so young back then, so I couldn't really talk to him. My mom also kept telling me that I would understand everything when I grow up...yeah right...I got more confused, and it just made me sad.
I also think that the children should definitely be involved in the marriage.

To the OP, I think you should gather more evidence before you tell anyone, or at least wait till you brother finishes his exams, and then tell him too.

you have a right to be suspicious, being he is your father and you're his child.
when your father married your mother, to took an oath, and he should uphold that oath like a man.
but on your half, before you start accusing him and telling your family member things
you have to get solid proof that he's having an affair,
because accusations like this is a BIG thing, not something that can be pushed away if proven false.
you don't want to tear a rift in your family, and i know you have no intentions of doing so,
so get some more evidence on your part and when you do,
i think you should talk it out with your brother before you approach anyone else.

Just because you're fine with your mom disrespecting your dad and going behind his back to have an affair doesn't mean that everyone else is the same. It's wrong to be hiding it from the mother and let her continued to be fooled by the father. If you care about your parents then you wouldn't want them to be in that position. Don't offer them advice nor tell them what to do, but you should certainly let them know what's going on. Cheating is wrong, end of discussion... people learn that when they are 6 years old.

I like how you're lacking an argument so badly that you have to make wild accusations about my personal views and beliefs to try and establish a relevant point.
I didn't say I'm fine with it, I said they are adults, and I was a child, and that given my age and my place in life, I am now mature enough to realize that I couldn't have possibly understood or positively affected the dynamic of the situation if I were any more involved than I was. Please take some reading comprehension classes and try again.

I'm 16 and by judging your use of grammar and your superiority complex; I am a lot smarter than you.

I had a friend whose father was cheating. They ended up divorced and the father ended up committing suicide. Sorry to scare you but I think you should confront your father and talk to him about it.

I'm not making ANY wild accusation when you made it quite clear that you don't believe "a child" should speak up nor inform their parent of any infidelity as it would not bring "anything positive" nor is it their "position" to say anything. Obviously, if that is how you go by things, then you obviously must be ok with your mom disrespecting your dad, why else would you not say anything about it? Advice isn't needed, you don't have to tell your father what to do, but you most CERTAINLY should tell him that his wife is going behind her back and being a tramp; afterall... if you respect the man enough, why would you let him be in the position of a fool?

If one of my parents have broken the sacred bond of the marriage, the other deserves to know. What they choose to do once they know is their problem, but regardless of better or worse; they deserve to know. You don't need to be a grown up to know that it's something that is frown upon and the person that is being cheated on deserves to know the truth. Only a person who don't respect their parents would hide such things from them. Only a person who does not care about their parents would hide such things from them. Only a wife/husband who does not respect their husband/wife would do such things to them.

Saying crap to the TC like "this isn't any of your business" is probably the most idiotic thing ever. Her dad potentially breaking her mom's heart isn't any of her business? Her dad lying to entire family and fooling everyone isn't any of her business? They're not strangers; it certainly IS her business as it will most definitely affect her. She loves her mom and doesn't want her mom to be hurt. She want her mom to know what's going on so that her mom will not be treated as a fool. Like I said, just because you're ok with your mom disrespecting your dad doesn't mean that the TC should be ok with it also. If you can sit there and let your dad get played as a fool then hey, good for you... some people just happens to care too much about their parents to just sit there and do nothing. That's not the best thing to do; that's the "I don't give a damn enough so I'm just see how it goes" thing to do.

Reading comprehension? I understood everything you said; I just disagree with it entirely as your advice is pretty much telling the TC "Your parents marriage is none of your business. Don't not try to butt in it even if you think that your dad may break your mom's heart. You don't know any better, you're a child and you have no right to tell them what to do". You're pretty much not thinking from ANYONE'S perspective.

Parents aren't married to their children. The relationship between the two is different. Romantic relationships are not the same as paternal and maternal bonds. Children usually have the tiniest fraction of information regarding their parents' relationship(s). The OP is assuming that her mother doesn't know what's going on, that her mother has never had an affair herfself, that her father is in fact having an affair, that it's a romantic interest, etc.

It's best not to get in the middle of anyone's romantic affairs, including your parents, because you probably don't have all of the information that only the involved are privy to. There's a good chance you'd make things worse.

My dad had an affair too. I was 15 years old but my mom found out on her own. I gave my mom advice, I took care of her when she broke down. I talked to my dad and asked him about the things he did to try to calm my mom down of her paranoia of future events. My sister drove 4 hours back home from college to mediate the fights. Me and my two older sisters did everything we could to keep our family together. Eventually both my sisters were in college, one across the country... I was 16 and I did it alone. I went through the physical fights they had and I was emotionally broken by them, but if I wasn't there who knows what would have happened? You can't define maturity by AGE.

It's been 3 years already and my family is strong. My dad cut off ties with that lady and he cares for my mom very much. They're biggest reason for staying together was for me and my sisters. Though we are older now, they know that we don't want a separated family.

Honestly, let's put ourselves in your mom's shoes. If my 16 year old daughter knew something that I didn't know, that was a drastic secret to my relationship I would DEFINITELY want to know. Try going through this stuff alone. through your mom's eyes. Though you are 16, we don't know you're maturity level and if you are strong enough to let your mother know something like this is happening, do it.

Do it with your brother, wait for him because when something like this happens, you'll need someone there for you too. Talk to him, tell him what you've heard and seen. He will believe you and he will try to notice these things too. Eventually, you both will know what to do. Ultimately, take your time; just because you know something already doesn't mean you have to report it immediately. Think about what you are going to say, how you're going to say it, and the consequences of what you will have to deal with.

tell your mom, but only if you're a hundred percent sure.
she deserves to know the truth. and once it's out in the open, let them handle it.

^
Agree but first
Stalk him like you do to idols
Check his email
Closest
Wallet

If u found more evidence tell your mom immediately. Even if you confront your dad and hide it the truth will come out one day...
Don't even bother telling your brother cause guys usually just shake it off thinking you exaggerating. (I'm a guy)

I think you should gather more evidence and straight proof.
You should confront this to your father when you feel you've seen enough.
But even if you confront him, doesn't necessarily mean he'll stop.
If he seems shady, tell your mom.
You're his child, that's your business because you care and want to know his intentions.
Plus your mom will be a lot more hurt if she finds out by herself.

+1 trinity & phuong
Hope everything works out in the end OP.

erm..
i think you should let your father decide.
He is an adult. if that's his choice. you should let him live with all that guilt. maybe ur mom will eventually find out

talk with your dad...find out more. if he is or not... if he is, im sorry but you have to tell ur mom or tell ur dad to tell the truth because ur mom wud be more heartbroken hearing the truth from someone else

How is hearing it from the child any different than hearing it from anyone else? Anyone else means anyone that isn't the husband himself. It's the exact same thing.
Listen, your parents are only going to feel a hundred times more guilty because you're going to make yourself much more involved in this situation than they want you to be. You think you're helping but you aren't. If you want to do that to your parents, then fine, go ahead and be this gross aggrandizement of some child super hero that's going to rescue your mother from heartbreak just because you tell her.

LOL so you saying its alright to let her mom get cheats on like that? seriously, if a kid really love their mom, they would not shut up during this kind of situation when they know 100% sure that their dad is cheating on their mom. it is disgusting to sleep on the same bed, do things with your so call partner for life when that person is cheating on you.






seriously how cruel are you.

Maybe she already knew. Ever thought of that?

It's like no one on Soompi can think outside of the mindset of a 15 year old kid. I never said it was okay, read, but maybe, MAYBE, just TRY for a second to try to understand this from an adults -- no, a PARENTS point of view. How about if the parent really loved their children, they wouldn't want their children being so involved in something so disgusting and heartbreaking. The child is obviously involved by default, they're part of the family, but any parent that loved their children wouldn't want the child to feel the same level of involvement and heartbreak as the mother does.
I bet if the child never had suspicions, and the father was cheating, and the mother found out, the parents wouldn't tell the child for years and years to come. Why is that? Because they don't love their child? No, because it's a god damn child for christ sake and growing up is hard enough.