My sister and I attend a nearby university so we live with our parents for the time being (she's a sophomore and i'm a freshman). I think she believes she can do whatever she wants to.. but I know there should be respect for our parents somewhere.. especially since we still live with them... but there's this guy that she's been "seeing" (it's not official) but I still call him her boyfriend because they apparently like eachother. She has been sneaking out for quite some time now. The thing is.. my mom knows about it and she hates that my sister is doing this behind her back. My mom desperately wants her to stop disobeying her and listen because she knows nothing good comes from a girl sneaking around at night time. Everyone in our family agrees with our mother and want her to stop doing this because this guy is not even treating her right. This has been going on for almost the whole year and everyone in our family has spoken to my sister telling her to stop doing this. Our mother is stressed out everyday and has made multiple threats to my sister, but my sister just keeps quiet and continues sneaking out. I guess my mother is too soft? because she never really carries out with her threats NOT that I want her to.. (ie: kicking my sister out, attempting suicide.. yeah pretty scary stuff). I know how stressed my mom is from this and I'm scared for her health.. She never gets any sleep, she's always stressed out and she cries constantly. My dad blames my mom for everything that is happening and I don't even think he wants to stay with my mother anymore..
Sigh. Also, my sister knows that she is hurting my mom, but she continues to do this.. I need some advice to help with this problem.
Everyone in our family just feels so lost because it feels like there's nothing we can do.

Wow, your sister needs to grow up. That's the sort of thing I've only heard about young teenagers...Just kick your sister out already...clearly she does not want to change and your mom's mental health is deteriorating...she knows that and continues to affect it even more...she's not worth having around...For the sake of your mother...get rid of her.

or you could try an alternate solution and talk to her yourself...get involved...I've nothing else to say..good luck D:

Why are you guys letting this affect you so much? Your sister is a college sophomore, which means she's about 20 years old, right? Let her make her own mistakes. Sneaking around with a guy isn't the worst thing ever. Instead of threatening her and telling her not to see him anymore, strike a deal with her. NEGOTIATE. 'Cause let's face it, if she's been doing this for a whole year now, she's not going to stop now.

Maybe you guys should contact his parents or something.

well do your parents even let your sister see the guy at all? like.. during the day? o_o maybe they should let her, n then she'll stop sneaking around at night?

but yah.. i duno. i guess your sister should have more respect for your parents =\ its not worth it over a guy

@ Map_The_Soul: I do talk to her about it. Nothing I say makes her stop

@kissez*: Yes I know she's old enough to make her own decisions about things. But that doesn't mean she should ignore my parents and hurt them. My sister actually knows the guy's parents and they love her. They're always inviting her to dinner and everything.. which really doesn't help this situation at all.

I think it would help if your parents allowed her to see him during the day...but if they do and she is still sneaking around at night...then wth?

I think Kissez is trying to say that you guys shouldn't worry about her since she's old enough to make her own mistakes..don't care anymore since obviously she is not going to stop.

Well if she's 20 I don't really think your parents should be restricting her so much. I mean they should at least trust her. When two people like each other you can't stop them from loving each other. (Unfortunately in some cases. x-x) But honestly I feel like you guys are overreacting to this. But then again, she IS still living under your parent's house so she should abide their rules. But your parents should also understand she's not a child anymore. She should make her own decisions in her life and if she makes mistakes, she can learn from them. And I don't know what this guy does to mistreat her, but since that's another problem you should tell her your opinion but if she really wants to be with him, let it be. I understand you care about her but in this case there isn't' much that could be done because she's a legal adult and everything. If your parents really get stressed so much maybe she should try moving out. It doesn't mean she has to be gone forever.

Well :/ my parents don't like him because of what he makes her do.. and it's not even that he makes her go. She goes there even the guy doesn't want to call her his girlfriend. I think my sister is desperate for a guy.. i didn't want to sound mean. My mom cares too much to just let her daughter go off at night like that so we can't just stop making a big deal about it because it's affecting my mom..
So my parents don't want her to see him anymore. I guess it comes down to that "forbidden love" kind of thing. I guess that's how my sister feels about it. :/ But she sees the guy during the day also. So I duno

Maybe your parents should chill out a bit. I'm not saying turn their backs on her but if it's getting to the point where she's ruining their marriage and your mom is threatening to commit suicide then that is WAY extreme.
I'm not asking if your sister knows the guy's parents. I'm saying that if you guys are so against her seeing him, speak to his parents about it. Let HIS parents know what YOUR family is going through right now.

Well, she's older now, your parents shouldn't worry too much about her and what she does at night, as long as she comes back home safely. Your parents and her need to come to a compromise, she can do this as long as she comes back home or calls or something to let your mom know what's up with her. Honestly, she's an legal adult now, if she doesn't abid the compromise then your parents have all the rights to kick her out of the house. She will never take your parents serious until they follow through their warnings.

I agree w. MNLV27.
I think your mother and your sister should compromise and I think you should help make it happen. I think it'd be the best for them both, especially if your mother won't just let this go. Honestly, she probably won't stop anyway if you people keep telling her to not sneak out at night because she'll do whatever she wants if she knows your mother won't take action. Maybe you can set up a thing where she can see him during the day, see him during the weekends, but also set a curfew for her. Some time like 11PM? I don't know.

I agree that she is an adult... legally but if she chooses to totally ignore what everyone in your family tells her to do, then that's just totally disrespectful and not a good trait as an adult IMO. If she wants to be an adult, I think she should act like one. You know, learn to call home and not just go off and do whatever she pleases. She DOES live under someone elses' house.

honestly if everyone has been telling her to stop and she hasn't, playing a broken record won't help.
I used to do the same and go out late at night and would come home in the early morning
not neccessarily for a guy, but just because i was stupid and thought that i had more "freedom" that way...

The only reason i stopped was because i realized how badly i damaged the trust and relationship between
my parents and I. When i was face to face with my mother and knew that i was the reason she was
crying, its an overwhelming emotion and if that doesn't slap any sense into you, then you don't deserve to be their child.

i think your sister is acting immature for her age, if she wants more freedom the best way to gain that is by earning her parents trust. No man is worth hurting your parents for.

Your mom needs to assess some REAL punishment for your sisters actions. None of those empty threats, because your sister obviously knows that they're empty and that's why she does it. A good way my parents kept me from doing stuff like that was to threaten to kick me out of my house, and let me tell you, I know for a fact they would follow through, so I didn't do things to make them do that.

Post pictures of yourself and your sister so we can really get a feel for this situation and help you out.

your sister sounds immature to me. well, it must be hard for your family. i think- in the meantime, just let her does what she wants to do.

The more you try to oppose the relationship, the harder she'll work to maintain it. It's the Romeo and Juliet effect - "forbidden" love is incredibly attractive. And she's twenty years old. Let her learn on her own. She's not doing anything illegal, right?

Your mother is threatening to kill herself? I know she's really stressed out, and I don't have all the details of your situation, but... that's over-the-top.

I understand what u saying..as i am going through the same thing..my parents are really strict and my sister would sneak out once a while..but she never got caught yet.hehe.

She's 20, let her live her life, make her own mistakes, that way she'll learn from em as opposed to being confined by your parents and never learning a thing. Best way of learning things is from experience right?

your older sis sounds like me. And honestly, I didn't listen because I was 'deeply in love' and stupid. I didn't take my mom's threat seriously cuz she never did carried them out. Not that I want her to... But I do love my mom and I feel F'ed up for picking a guy over my parent. I think your sis need some calm reasoning talk. No drama. But if she stil doesn't listen, let her get hurt. yeah i know that sounds messed up, but it'll teach her a lesson.that's how i finally saw the truth.

and btw, do whatever you can to comfort your mom, talk to her and let her talk it all out. Good luck

Tell your mum to emotionally blackmail your sister more! And then lecture your sister more because this is the best way to solve problems!

tell your mom to enforce some real rules
yea your sis is 20 but, if she really cares about her mom she would listen
your mom only wants what's best for your sis because even your mom can see that this relationship isn't good for her

If your sister is old enough to be in college, she's old enough to go out at night and shouldn't have to sneak. I would probably do the same thing. Actually, I just moved out...

Tell your mum your sis is not a BABY anymore!!! If you want your sis to respect your mum then your mum sholud respect her! Your mum is too over the top about all this. You guys saying she's not allowed to go see the guy makes her want to see him more. What's with old parents these days thinking they own their kid. If your sis doesn't make mistakes, how is she to learn? How is she gonna survive in the harsh world when she is being sheltered from everything. This may sound harsh but it's true. You don't learn anything till you make a mistake. Hmmm I was like this too but I didn't sneak out, I told them I was going. They accepted it, in return I spoke to my mum more. I confided in her with many things and we have a great relationship.

One, she's a grown woman now. Let her fcuk up and find out the hard way how sorry her "boyfriend" is. Two, tell your mother and father to both stop making empty threats especially if she still depends on them. Kick her ass out and tell her to run with this guy and she'll see how much he cares in a heartbeat.

i agree with the majority of the people here
she's old enough to be allowed out the house if she wants to
if she makes mistake, well thats the only way to learn
an it seem like she's not stopping anything soon
so you should assure your mom and tell her relax
i think your other family problem (dad) is more important

the best thing you can do is make sure you don't hurt your mom and be the best daughter you can be. You can't control ur dad or your sister but you can control yourself and relieve her from extra stress that you can be. Show her that atleast you still care about her. You can also talk to your sister about it. Sometimes it's better hearing from someone other than your parent.people who says your mom should let her john tesh up must not understand that it's not that easy for a parent to let their child explore. I mean this isn't just letting her go vacation so she can explore the world nor is it babysitting her telling she must study if not she's going to fail her test. With her sister sneaking out with a guy the family doesn't trust is similar to letting her out knowing that there's a possibility she might get raped or knocked up. It might seem like so what to you guys because you guys aren't parents ( well I'm not either, but I've seen how bad parents feel when there kids in danger.)

When she sneaks out (well if I were you with a rude sister like that) I'd take all her stuff and shove it in boxes and put it in the front porch with a sign "you don't live here anymore, you don't deserve it. Living here was a privlige, not a right."

pwn x 10

Your sister and your mom should talk it out and figure out what they can both be happy with. Also, YOU need to let your mom know that YOU'RE here for her. My mom is also really stressed out and she recently had a minor stroke (Thank God it was minor), so seriously, if you're mom keeps stressing, who knows what could happen? Talk to your mom, let her know you'll be with her always.

I think people are over looking the fact that she still lives at home.
So, no, she isn't 20 and can do whatever she wants, she's 20, still lives under her parents roof, and can live by their rules until she moves out. If she wants to be 20 and do whatever she wants, then she should move out, but as long as you're under the parents roof, it's their rules that go.

this.

your sister isn't paying rent or anything. she's basically living at her parent's house for free. right? so.. uh. yeah she does have to still respect her parents. EVEN if she isn't living under her parent's house, she should have respect for them.

why doesn't your mom like him? is it because she thinks he's not good enough for her baby girl? or does he emotionally hurt her?

your mom needs to learn how to let go little by little. i'm going through the same thing. i'm 19 years old and in a few years, i'll be out of this house. my parents still treat me like i'm in high school, which is incredibly annoying. but yeah, i still do have to follow their rules. but when i do move out, they can't keep treating me like a child.

i'm not saying that your mom should give your sister complete freedom.

this is between your sister and your mom. tell them to compromise something. maybe your sister could bring over the boy. maybe your mom had a wrong assumption about him. who knows. and why does she sneak out at night? she could ask your mom to go out during the daytime, right? :l



i don't understand the whole sneaking out thing.. it seems dumb. i'd rather be at home sleeping. lol.

I don't think anyone would contest that but that the rules seem unreasonable. Generally, when people can't find reason in the rules, regardless of the lord, they rebel.

well she is clearly acting like an irrational teenager, so the more your mother threats and pushes, the further the relationship with her daughter/your sister is going to be damaged. Im not saying your mum's wrong. it's just the wrong way to go about it.

Your mum threatening suicide is kind of childish too. =/ Seems to me both your mum and your sister need to take a step back.

Did you post something about your sister before? I remember reading a thread something to do with an older sibling sneaking out awhile back, but I'm not sure if it was you, or someone else. Anyway..

Maybe you can talk to your sister about it? She really needs to grow up. If she wants to live her life her way, then she might as well move out. Until she is independent enough to move out without depending on your parents, it's their rules under their roof. The next time your mom says that she is going to kick her out, ask her if she really means it. If she is, then tell her that she better keep her promise and if she won't do it, you will be the one confronting your sister. Your sister is merely taking advantage of all of you (mostly your mom), nor is she caring all the problems she has created for you guys. As for your father, there is not much for you to do, except to remind him that if he thinks your mother is responsible for your sister, then maybe he should step up and do something about it? If your mother isn't "doing anything", shouldn't he take some actions rather than accuse her for what his own child is doing, too?

If she still comes back home and such even if you tried kicking her out, stop caring about her. You and your parents should not care about any of her wishes and completely ignore them. Let her know that if she does not stick to the family's rules, you guys are not going to stick around and listen to her "rules" (rules as in what she thinks she is doing is right).

empty threats are useless. >.> make some REAL threats that you'd actually carry out. when my mom says if i fail at school she'd move me, i KNOW she would do so and it scares the crap out of me.

and if she really refuses to listen and does it again, change your damn locks. see where she'd go. the guy might let her over for one night, but not the rest of her life. and if he does, then all the better. your family feeds one less person.

Yeah, I forgot the conditions of living under their roof was being emotionally manipulated, you make a good point. Brb going to tell my parents to threaten to commit suicide to force me to do what they want. No need to compromise! Just emotionally manipulate! Best way to avoid any psychological damage later!

Can you stop with the stupidity in most of your posts? Pristine is making a very good point! Her parents pay the bills, taxes etc, they have 100% right to make whatever rules they want to. The girl is 20 years old, she can go live somewhere else if she want to. Ain't nobody stopping her, but her mother has a genuine concern for her daughter's safety and wellbeing and its driving her crazy. Is that so bad?

I can't wait till you have kids. They'll run right over like a doormat.

MangoStar, you said it.
As long as your f.cked up sister is staying under your parents roof then she has to obviously follow the rules.
If she can't do that then kick her sorry butt out and let her see how the real world is and let's see how much this guy actually cares for her. That'll teach her.
Doesn't like anyone understand respect your elders?

The conditions of living under someones roof if they pay the bills is you do what they ask of you, regardless of what it is, that's why when you're 18 years old and you don't like it, you can move out, hell, sometimes even younger if you hate it so much and you want to get emancipated!
But the girl is 20, leeching off of her parents, and not listening to rules set in the house. There's nothing positive about that not matter how you want to try and turn it around on the parents, because if the daughter listened to her parents in the first place, he mother wouldn't be struggling so much to try and find a way to get her to listen, but the daughter is a pinkberry and thinks she can do whatever she wants.
I can't believe you're stupid enough to think that after reading the OP, the daughter even WANTS to compromise. I think it's made pretty clear that unless the option is "whatever I want, whenever I want," this brat wants nothing to do with it.

Yep, and paying the bills gives parents the right to threaten to commit suicide? Yep, you're right too. How haven't I been able to see that parents should take responsibility for their actions seeing as hmm I work in the youth sector and see so many asian parents do this to their children without thinking hmm how is this impacts their children. But great work! I should stick up for asian discipline more, I never saw the error in my ways till you told me. I'm glad we had this talk, now the advice I will have for my clients will be hey suck it up, bills come before your emotional and mental stability.

I can't wait till your mother starts emotionally blackmailing you with attempts of suicide and your sister saying it's your fault, nah I don't actually mean that. I may be a pinkberry but I'd rather be a pinkberry than been known as someone who condones emotional and psychological abuse.

You know the best part about your posts?
I'm 22, and I can just MOVE OUT!!! WHOA! WHAT A CRAZY THEORY FOR SOMEONE OVER THE AGE OF 18 WHO DOESN'T LIKE THEIR PARENTS RULES!!!>!>!>!!?!??!?!?!>!?!!?
20? Don't like it? Move out. Stop leeching off of them. It's really only that simple. My mother couldn't blackmail me with mini cooper at this age because I don't live with her, and even if I did, I would move out, because ya know, that's what you do when you don't want to listen to your parents anymore. Take responsibility and become independent.

This is probably the only post you've made that I would agree with.

That's a lie, I've seen you agree with me before. Don't be such a hater.

You obviously don't understand the impact of psychological and emotional abuse. It's okay, not everyone can be empathetic or grasp the concept of this.

I'm 22 and live at home to take care of my mother whose got PTS and depression and my little brother who has got Autistm. But that's besides the point, that was to clear the fact you made a huge assumption about who I am and what I believe. Nice try with your "adult" advice.

I was lying about the other ones. Don't get your hopes up, sweetie.

Lol, your post is so off the charts, I don't even think you read what you typed since it's like, 95% irrelevant. I didn't even say ANYTHING about you as a person and your home life since you never said anything about it. Those aforementioned "you's" were general. I thought that'd be obvious. I guess not. My posts were relevant and made sense, as oppose to some unwitty, sarcastic response in hopes to get a chuckle out of my fellow readers.
I don't know who you are, I couldn't care less since in three posts you've already come off as the most pretentious person alive for no good reason, because, ya know, it's such a difficult concept to grasp, psychology and all. Google doesn't exist and you're the holder of all knowledge. Please teach us, oh wise one.

The point still stands. If you don't like home life and feel like you should have more freedom, then move out, and if you're crying about how awful the psychological and emotional abuse in your family is, then you should especially move out. I don't see where there are discrepancies. It makes perfect sense, and always leads back to the same, logical, completely plausible answer. Move out.

NOT YOU LITERALLY, OKAY? TRY NOT TO CRY ANYMORE ON THE BOARDS ABOUT ME TALKING ABOUT YOU PERSONALLY Q___Q Here's a tissue.

Your sister is a selfish pinkberry. Honestly.

Like someone above said, she's 20 years old. It really shows how mature she is by doing all this to your family... it's hard on your mom, and if everybody tried talking her out of this and it's been a year and she won't do anything, I think it's time for your mom to kick her out. If your sister is such a rebel and wants to meet her boyfriend, she'll have no problem leaving your house and living with him... if he even lets her live with him. You'll see that he'll throw her to the side, and she'll come running back to her family. Simple solution.

That is very selfish of her but im sorry if this sounds harsh considering your mom's health
is in danger and so is her and your dad's relationship but she is handling this the wrong way.

No amount of threatening and crying will ever change a selfish pinkberry's decisions. I'm sure
your sister realizes that your mom and dad loves her but sometimes, when a parent puts
a lot of stress and pressure onto you it makes you want to do worse things. Maybe
she really likes this guy and the only way to see him is to sneak out, its a mistake but thats
how everyone is at one point.

Tell your mom to relax and to give your sister some breathing room, tell your mom and dad
to tell your sister that she is allowed to see her "boyfriend" and be with him but to call them
when she goes out and update them whenever possible, that way ,they will know whatever she's doing
and know she is safe and sound because i'm sure thats what they are worried about most when
she is sneaking out. There really is no other way to change your sister's mind at this point so the
only way is to accept it and have her be responsible while doing things like that.

I remember when I started sneaking out for no particular reason and knew my parents were so scared
and sad but that just never stopped me, I thought they just wanted to make my life hell and to
make me miserable in every way but when they started to just let some things slide and stop
threatening me, I actually thought of how much they must care for me and how much I hurt them so now
i dont do that anymore and when I go anywhere I call in with them to let them know. Your sister
needs time. I hope everything works out and sorry for the long and possibly confusing post.

For one thing, my mother isn't anything like the OP's mother. Mine would just put my belongings outside and tell me to hand over the key to the house if I don't obey by her rules. I love how you try to turn the child's blatant disobedience on the parents. Her mother is just down right afraid that something bad will happen to her child. I'm pretty sure if they immature little brat would just ask mama and daddy if she could go hang with the boyfriend, they wouldn't have a problem. BUT NO! She sneaks out after they tell her not to!

There may be more too it but it really just sounds like mother dearest is just being melodramatic. I dated a guy whose mother was like that. There was nothing wrong with her. She would work herself into a fit over stupid stuff and then cry about how her kids were making her sick.

I'd say both are in the wrong. A lot of people are telling the OP's sister that she should move out, but from her own point of view, why should she if she's getting her way by seeing her boyfriend and living off her parents? Sure, she's being a selfish pinkberry, but she's not going to stop until her parents enforce some real rules. She obviously doesn't respect the OP's mother, because she knows whatever she says is just an exaggeration. That said, the OP's mother sounds a little bit overbearing too- I know it's her house, but if she's going to act so dramatic about her daughter, she needs to kick her out or get some proper rules rather than stressing herself and everyone else. Obviously her methods aren't working, so she needs to change tactic and let her daughter have some space or kick her out, and she needs to tell her that calmly and sternly. So I'd say both are in the wrong (the daughter more in the wrong obviously) because they're acting very immaturely about this. They just need to communicate properly rather than making wild demands or being constantly disobedient, if that makes sense...may be badly written because I'm tired now