1. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
2. I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.
3. It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better ... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
4. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
5 .On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
6. Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
7. Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
8. Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
(these are from scripts of is movies)
9. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
10. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
11. A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
12. Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
13. My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
14. Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought—particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
15. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
16. Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
17. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
18. I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
19. I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
20. I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.
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