[sushi_azn]

Hello. I am currently in high school and my teacher assigned us to write a college essay , which is due tomorrow. Please read what I wrote and give me some opinions please.

College Essay

I am a very determined person. I like to know exactly what I want and work hard towards it. In order to succeed in life, we got to make the right choices and reach for our goals. I take education as my number one key to a greater life. I have been going through hard times when I was younger. From all the experiences that I’ve had, I understand the importance of studying hard.
I am applying to Metropolitan State College of Denver because of the Accounting Degree Program that I am interested in. I am committed to improve my knowledge and education in Metropolitan State College of Denver and choose accounting as my career. I enjoy doing math, so I know that this is the right choice for me.
When I was younger, my dad used to tell me that education is the most important possession in a person’s life. You can be rich and have lots of money, you can have many different things and anyone can take them away from you, but if you have good amount of knowledge in your brain, nobody can take it away from you. I agree with my dad on this. Once you charge your brain with important things, the things that you will use in the future, it will stay with you always.

SHOULD I ADD ANYTHING ELSE???? PLEASE HELP ME...AND THIS IS NOT THE REAL COLLEGE ESSAY, JUST AN ASSIGNMENT FROM A TEACHER, SO GIVE ME YOUR OPINIONS PLEASE. I WOULD APPRECIATE IT.

[jadey]

Hello. I am currently in high school and my teacher assigned us to write a college essay , which is due tomorrow. Please read what I wrote and give me some opinions please.

College Essay

I am a very determined person. I like to know exactly what I want and work hard towards it. In order to succeed in life, we got to make the right choices and reach for our goals. I take education as my number one key to a greater life. I have been going through hard times when I was younger. From all the experiences that I’ve had, I understand the importance of studying hard.
I am applying to Metropolitan State College of Denver because of the Accounting Degree Program that I am interested in. I am committed to improve my knowledge and education in Metropolitan State College of Denver and choose accounting as my career. I enjoy doing math, so I know that this is the right choice for me.
When I was younger, my dad used to tell me that education is the most important possession in a person’s life. You can be rich and have lots of money, you can have many different things and anyone can take them away from you, but if you have good amount of knowledge in your brain, nobody can take it away from you. I agree with my dad on this. Once you charge your brain with important things, the things that you will use in the future, it will stay with you always.

SHOULD I ADD ANYTHING ELSE???? PLEASE HELP ME...AND THIS IS NOT THE REAL COLLEGE ESSAY, JUST AN ASSIGNMENT FROM A TEACHER, SO GIVE ME YOUR OPINIONS PLEASE. I WOULD APPRECIATE IT.

Good essay, but I edited some stuff: Edited stuff are in italics.

I am a very determined person. I like to know exactly what I want and work hard towards it. In order to succeed in life, we got have to make the right choices and reach for our goals. Education is my first priority because it holds the key to my future. I have been going through hard times when I was younger. From all the experiences that I’ve had my experiences, I understand the importance of studying hard.
I am applying to Metropolitan State College of Denver because of the Accounting Degree Program that I am interested in I am interested in their Accounting Degree Program. I am committed to improve my knowledge and education in Metropolitan State College of Denver and choose accounting as my career. I enjoy doing math, so I know that this is the right choice for me.
When I was younger, my dad used to tell me that education is the most important possession in a person’s life. You can be rich and have lots of money, you can have many different things and anyone can take them away from you, but if you have good amount of knowledge in your brain, nobody can take it away from you. (See revision below) I agree with my dad on this(I think this sentence is unnecessary). Once you charge your brain with important things, the things that you will use in the future, it will stay with you always.

For the bolded sentence, this is how I would've put it:

You can lock up your money in a safe, or store your possessions in a safe place, but chances are you can be stripped bare and robbed of these things. However, no one will ever be able to rob you of your knowledge because it is kept in the most safe and secure place of all: your brain.

These are only corrections that I think should be looked at. It's up to you whether or not you take my advice. This was a pretty neat essay and I liked how you ended it. Good luck on getting into Metropolitan State College of Denver.

[ddonq]

i think you should move the "When I was younger..." and all that sentence below to the beginning of the essay.