[Twiggy]

I wasn't sure whether I should have put this in the main college section or pre-college. But I'm starting to write my personal statement for my college application. It has to be 500 words and it can be on anything. I'm really stressing this essay because there are two scholarships I can get from the school I'm planning to go to if I have a really good personal statement.

I was wondering if anyone can give me any tips or if you had really good results with your personal statement or essay if you give me a copy so I can get an idea of how mine should end up. I looked on the internet for a few examples but I could find any good ones. Please help thanks!

edit::

I was thinking I should do it on my dad and how he almost died, does the sad route work? Crap I just started thinking about my dad and started crying .

edit::
Thought of some topics to write about, I still need help deciding

ok I thought of a few:

How Academic Decathlon is the most rigorous sport in school:
+To say that I'm dedicated is an understatement
+Academic Decathlon consists of every subject you can find in school: Sci, Lang, Math( really hard math!), Econ, Social Sci, Essay, Speeches, etc.
+I have a strict healthy food diet, so my brain doesn't crash or I get lazy
+I study for about 3-4 hours each day, really minuscule compared to other schools
+ I have crazy things to help me study aka "my study survival kit" contains: a gag flashlight that will shock you, emergency granola bar, energy spray, mp3 player consisting of only piano music, extra stickies
+I'm the captain!yay!
+I have a separate planner to plan out my study schedule
+However, I love the rush I get when we compete directly with other schools and I receive medals


My favorite hobby, Graphic Design/Art
+Been drawing FOREVER
+Started graphic design a few years ago and opened my eyes to every sort of creative outlet like flash, 3-D modeling, video editing, etc
+Love it, lOve it, love it!
+I can easily work on a project 8 hours straight and not even notice

The next few ones are a bit strange and I got them off my Academic Decathlon speech topics and did some googling
How I resemble a fortune cookie:
+Plain on the outside
+Always different on the inside
+I'm really lucky
+People want to be around me, even if they're sick of me because they want my luck to rub off
Proceed to use the word FORTUNE to write my statement e.g F is for Funny, O is for outrageous behavior, etc


How I resemble a Chocolate Chip Cookie:
+Traditional and Conservative
+Most ppl find me comfortable
+Friendly and easy to get to know
+I'm popular without even trying
Proceed to describe some other stuff about chocolate chip cookies like how I'm hard to get to but when you get to know me I'm a softie

[chinese tears <3]

No, don't ever take that route. They aren't going to show any sympathy; they don't like sob stories. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. Unless you can somehow write it to tell how it has changed or made an impact on you without making it sound like a sob story, don't do it.

I would say, use another topic from another school you're applying to [if there are any]. You can talk about a role model, social problems and your concerns, how your community has impacted you, what's important to you, your dreams, etc. [I'm getting these topics from the common application and the UC application by the way]. But I think if you want actual examples of good essays or whatever, the main college thread is the best place to ask it. Although, I'm not sure many of them would still have their copy of their essays from a year ago.

[Love Virus]

think about it this way..
there are going to be millions of other kids writing about how their ___ died and had impacted their life

make it something really unique

like this one girl from our school wrote about her planner, and how in it every day she would draw pictures that represented her mood and related it to herself and got into harvard with that

or my other friend, she wrote about how she read this book and it transitioned her life in to the world of music becuase it aws such an eye opening book..the book was really obscure can't rememebr the title
i thought it made her sound really educated writing about her fave book :T

[sgwannabe]

Seriously, there are alot of people that have had tramautic experiences. Unless it changed YOU somehow in a better way and a way that will make the colleges go WOW, you should go to another route.

[Twiggy]

eek thanks for the replies I was going to start on that paper.

lol I'm going to make a list of topics and come back again

edit: I added this to first post, just in case other ppl are lazy to scroll down

ok I thought of a few:

How Academic Decathlon is the most rigorous sport in school:
+To say that I'm dedicated is an understatement
+Academic Decathlon consists of every subject you can find in school: Sci, Lang, Math( really hard math!), Econ, Social Sci, Essay, Speeches, etc.
+I have a strict healthy food diet, so my brain doesn't crash or I get lazy
+I study for about 3-4 hours each day, really minuscule compared to other schools
+ I have crazy things to help me study aka "my study survival kit" contains: a gag flashlight that will shock you, emergency granola bar, energy spray, mp3 player consisting of only piano music, extra stickies
+I'm the captain!yay!
+I have a separate planner to plan out my study schedule
+However, I love the rush I get when we compete directly with other schools and I receive medals


My favorite hobby, Graphic Design/Art
+Been drawing FOREVER
+Started graphic design a few years ago and opened my eyes to every sort of creative outlet like flash, 3-D modeling, video editing, etc
+Love it, lOve it, love it!
+I can easily work on a project 8 hours straight and not even notice

The next few ones are a bit strange and I got them off my Academic Decathlon speech topics and did some googling
How I resemble a fortune cookie:
+Plain on the outside
+Always different on the inside
+I'm really lucky
+People want to be around me, even if they're sick of me because they want my luck to rub off
Proceed to use the word FORTUNE to write my statement e.g F is for Funny, O is for outrageous behavior, etc


How I resemble a Chocolate Chip Cookie:
+Traditional and Conservative
+Most ppl find me comfortable
+Friendly and easy to get to know
+I'm popular without even trying
Proceed to describe some other stuff about chocolate chip cookies like how I'm hard to get to but when you get to know me I'm a softie

[dohee]

your cookie ideas sound kind of arrogant

+I'm really lucky
+People want to be around me, even if they're sick of me because they want my luck to rub off

and

+I'm popular without even trying

.....
i suggest you DONT include those aspects if you are gonna go with the cookies.

[knickstorm]

your cookie ideas sound kind of arrogant

+I'm really lucky
+People want to be around me, even if they're sick of me because they want my luck to rub off

and

+I'm popular without even trying

.....
i suggest you DONT include those aspects if you are gonna go with the cookies.

ditto, you'd be better off with the traumatic story than including those aspects of the cookie.........i remember i tried one of those "i got injured, tore my acl during a basketball game and it taught me to be a better team player which translated into being a more team oritented guy in athletics as well as life".......it worked on the SAT II writing test.............if you really think your traumatic experience is unique then go ahead and write about it, just know it has to be SO much better beacuse there will be similar stories.

[chinese tears <3]

Ehh, the first two are alright but they don't say much. You do sound too arrogant, especially in the last two. The first two are really random. No one cares if you have some special diet, train/practice a lot whatever and you like to draw... so what? If you like to draw you need to be more in depth about what it means to you. Everyone has something they love and can work at for hours. A good essay is one where you know how to expose your strengths and abilities without coming off as arrogant. The colleges don't like essays where people sound arrogant. Just a normal person wouldn't either; it makes them want to just stop reading. Your college essay should be reflective.

[saera]

I think you should write about your dad as long as no one else in the world can write that essay BUT you. I don't think you should be discouraged about what people say about that being "overrated" and how "everyone has experienced death in the family." Sure, a lot of people have experienced it, but they may not have had the same outcomes as you did.

Just write about something you actually care about.

[Twiggy]

I didn't intend to sound arrogant with the cookies, I said I got the speech topic and did googling to spark any creative ideas
see: What kind of cookie are you? lol

And the first two were to show that I am committed, lol sry I had to get that rant out.

Anyways I decided to not go with any of those ideas I wrote a paper on the first computer I built:

here it is:


I tried to snake my fingers into the crevice, trying so desperately to connect the wire to the socket. "Ouch" blood started to drip from my thumb, my finger had grazed the sharp edge of the metal case. I took the first aid kit next to me and added another bandage to my hand. My weary eyes tried to focus on the red glowing eyes. 10:13. it's been four hours, my fingers had multiple bandages, sweat perspiring from my forehead, my aggravation overcoming the better part of me and yet I still had not finished building my computer.

I had reconsidered the whole thing and just sending it to a professional, but from that one experience to building my first computer I discovered my "little" project would define the kind of person I was and would be.

I decided to take a break and I found an open area on the floor of my room that wasn’t occupied by small computer parts. I was so tired and I looked around and thought to myself, "Why is this so hard?"I"ve seen my brother build plenty of computers and I even read a whole book before I started.

I started to whine to myself out loud, but after a while I realized my brother wasn’t there to hold my hand, I had no toll free number to call if something went wrong, no warranty, and no guarantee. What was I thinking! This project wasn't for someone weak-hearted like me! I was a timid, conventional girl who would never think of splurging $ 500 on computer parts. Any mistakes I made would cost me hundreds of dollars. I sighed and rested my head against the wall.

I took a good look around the room, all my computer parts were scattered everywhere and I was suddenly reminded of legos. When I was little, I used to love dumping out the box and start jamming pieces together and eventually creating something. I realized then why I had wanted to make my computer so much because when I make something like legos the results are endless and I can make what I want, not something prepackaged in a box.

I rose with new determination; I started skimming through my book once more. My nimble fingers navigated through the maze of wires and circuits to connect the drives, ribbons, and wires all together.

After three hours, my hand covered with new bandages and my clothes sticky with sweat. I reached for the power button, my heart pounding, but my brain was too tired to care. When I pushed that button, I heard it. I heard the sound of salvation; my creature had begun to crackle to life. Suddenly I felt it was all worth it.

It may not seem like a great feat and I could have easily bought a new computer, but building one taught me a lot about myself. That even if I feel discouraged as long as I try and don't give up I can do anything. And to know that with that perseverance I can take any parts whether its from a computer or life and make what I want to make.

Aside from the obvious grammar errors ( I just finished it right now) Its a really really rough draft. If I could get any feedback on what to change and rewording some phrases. Its supposed to be 500 words or less so I need to cut some things out. I also wanted to change the way I repeated some things, but I can't figure out what to put. like the bandage thing, I want to make is sound more creative.thanks for the help so far

[SMILE_0N]

eh, vary your sentence structure a bit.

[520Shawn]

i thought this topic was the best
My favorite hobby, Graphic Design/Art

[Love Virus]

What is it that you want to major in,type of school you applying to?

The overall idea is great but if you're applying to some tech schools then..it might get cliche-d
For a rough draft I think it's pretty good

[Twiggy]

What is it that you want to major in,type of school you applying to?

The overall idea is great but if you're applying to some tech schools then..it might get cliche-d
For a rough draft I think it's pretty good

thanks I'm majoring in something science/math/medicine (xD i haven't decided yet)based. My school specializes in astronomy or something lol and I'm going to be using this essay for scholarships too.