Credits: facebook.
I have thoroughly edited swear words/innappropriate content etc.
If you desperately would like to know the ones that were taken out, let me know by PM. (*NSF = Not Soompi Friendly)
If you don't agree with anything --- remember I didn't write it. I think the Men 'Laws' were written by a guy & a girl wrote the 'Female Laws'.
MEN 'LAWS'
1. No wasted beer in the name of humor.
2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control.
3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it’s a 6 day waiting period.
4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home.
(The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friend’s home)
5. Short shorts have been banned… Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.
6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.
7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or
Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.
8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.
9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare in case a friend is in desperate need.
10. *NSF
11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you’re not a man.
12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.
13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours.
14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend...it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be replayed.
15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.
Addendum to Man Law No. 15:
If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really s----y and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats.
16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.
17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.
18. You poke it you own it.
19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.
20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she was to ever find out.
21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count… rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day.
22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E … Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet… or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants… (Or any other article of clothing).
23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar.
24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.
25. Being a Pirate should be considered a Manly job because pirates get two types of booty.
26. All men must eat meat. A s---load of meat. If not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick mini cooper like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting.
27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies.
28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry"
29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.)
30. Under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another mans attempt at getting some tang. Let’s just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man status and its privileges, and will result in the title Manb---h.
31. Every man should watch sports center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.
32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used is said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an ufc cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it (Cameron Ross, Nick Polyzos, Kristina Brockmann, and Drew Westerfield).
33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as, Mother's day, Birthday's, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.
34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to Manb---h and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships.
35. Women can't drive.
36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.
37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manb---h" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not.
38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don’t agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support.
39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past.
40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.
41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal.
42. A man will not live in his parent’s house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war.
43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". And the right to leave the room.
44. Sex is more important then talking
45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm.
46. Grilling regardless of weather is always the first choice for cooking.
47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat
48. Men will invite other men to Man Law
49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it’s not their brand."
50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not.
51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes.
52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza.
53. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.
54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can’t drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you cant drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review.
55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.
56. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbor’s lawn.
57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.
58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway.
59. The bachelor’s party is exclusively male. (except the entertainment).
60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.
61. A man purse is still a purse. (David Emadi)
62. No man shall dance for fun unless it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.
63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team.
64. No man shall bring a woman to the guy’s night out. This is punishable by verbal abuse for life.
65. If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.)
66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.
67. No man shall wear a beret unless it’s for his military service.
68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone.
69. No man shall ever, under any circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.
70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.
71. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story.
72. Keeping beer from other's by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring.
73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only.
74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man.
75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand.
76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men.
77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.
78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.
79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, and it is perfectly accepted to watch.
80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice.
81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Lacrosse, or Ice Hockey.
82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. exception to this rule are monkeys.
83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavored that comes in a bottle.
84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female.
85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry.
1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph.
2. Your date is using her teeth.
3. Anna Kournikova gets married.
86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing.
87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-to-eye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away.
88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.
89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions.
90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her.
91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monte Cristo, CAO (Cade Mayo).
92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined (Eric Gartenberg).
93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet. (Boots Jones)
94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".
97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bull----!" (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
99. B---hing about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.
101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friend’s birthday is optional)
104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing. You should know such things.
106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a pinkberry standing on the sideline.
108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
109. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.
111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patricks Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patricks Day. Green and/ or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter.
112.When passing another man in a tight area were contact is possible, hole to hole or pole to pole is only acceptable. If it is pole to pole no eye contact should be made. If any detour from this is spotted by any onlooking men, possible labels such as "kool-aid" may be deemed necessary. Resulting immediate demotion in man status. (Cody Miller)
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WOMEN 'LAWS'
1) Thou shall never bow down to a man or refer to him as “master.
2) Women may not drive on a date.
3) Thou shall always have chocolate available for any unforeseen crisis.
4) Ben and Jerry should always be on call in case of a bad day.
5) Just because you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean they are committed.
6) Cosmo = must read
7) Bad breath = no tongue.
8) Thou shall own at least one article of pink clothing.
9) Glitter, sequins, and rhinestones are fine in moderation.
10) Thou shall do hair and apply makeup at least once a week.
11) A hoodie, sweatpants, and pony-tail are completely acceptable, just don’t forget rule #10.
12) You should not have to open your door on the first date.
13) Honesty is the best policy when your friend is trying on clothes, just be nice.
14) Confidence is sexy.
15) If you see cheek or crack, your skirt is no longer a skirt, it is a belt.
16) Thou shall give fair warning when PMS-ing.
17) Singing in your car is completely acceptable.
18) Women shall always have the last word in an argument. If a man proceeds to speak after woman has the last word, he then starts a new argument.
19) Thou shall not date a man 15 or more years older.
20) There’s no such thing as over-packing, just preparation.
21) If a man is overly competitive, let him win occasionally, but don’t be afraid to beat him.
22) Let them pursue you, don’t pursue them.
23) Know your limit when drinking alcohol. Vomit is not sexy!
24) Women shall not chew tobacco.
25) When drunk, if the situation arises, go to his house, it’s less complicated that way.
26) Never lower your standards or compromise yourself to please others.
27) Always have a spare tampon.
28) Bigger is not always better.
29) Shopping is always better in pairs.
30) If a guy wears girl pants, he is not of dating or relationship material.
31) Always go to the bathroom in pairs. (assumed woman law)
32) As a woman, thou shall point out if another female’s zipper is down, has toilet paper on shoe, something in teeth, etc..
33) No car/working car = no date.
34) What happens on girls night, stays on girls night.
35) IT is your obligation as a woman to decorate and redecorate as you see fit.
36) Thou must not break plans with the girls in order to go out with a guy.
37) If a woman dates a man who is “not up to par'', she may take a Mulligan and therefore “it never happened.''
38) The “emergency phone call'' is completely acceptable to prevent any further boredom.
39) The woman who approaches a group of guys gets the first pick.
40) Chicks before dicks. Guys come and go but best friends only come around once in a lifetime.
41) You should not date a man who takes longer to get ready than you do.
42) If you come together, you leave together, unless you or your friend is going home with an extremely hot, non-creepy guy.
43) Thou shall not call a guy first, unless he calls you first and you are returning the call for some reason.
44) Always make the guy make the first move, he should work for your attention.
45) Women do not date a friend’s ex-boyfriend. Period.
46) Man’s mothers are key. How they treat their mother is how they’ll treat you.
47) No woman shall be “friends with benefits'', to any ex-boyfriend.
48) If a man appears sexy, caring, and smart, give him a few days, he’ll be back to his usual self, so don’ fall for it.
49) Men play the game, women know the score.
50) Don’t think you can change a man, unless he’s wearing diapers.
51) No excuses, play like a champion.
52) If a woman doesn’t remember it, it never happened.
53) Never let a man come between you and a friend.
54) It is ok to make a sandwich for a man if 1) he says please 2) you are already in the kitchen and are not going out of your way 3) there is something in it for you.
55) No guy is worth your tears and the one who is won’t make you cry.
56) Crack kills and is not sexy whatsoever.
57) Short shorts must be worn appropriately. Preferably summer time. Winter time is unnecessary, unless participating in a sporting event that demands short shorts. Popping of collar is allowed as long as you wear it accordingly.
58) When your friend picks up a hot guy...however the hot guy has an ugly friend...it is only right that you get rid of him. Or distract him from the main attraction. As women we are obligated to sacrifice yourself for friends and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be repaid.
59) No woman should purposely let her thong hang out to attract attention. Other women have the right to stare and give nasty looks if you tend to break this law.
60) If two or more girls arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving female is hooking up with a guy, it is the responsibility of the other female hooking up to find other ways home for her friends.
(The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with her own boyfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving her friends home)
61) Any man answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" shouldn’t expect that to be the end of the conversation.
61) A man should never let a woman walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
62) Women may joke with each other about being skanks and whores, but men may never do so.
63) There shall be no fat jokes between women and their friends.
64) Condoms are the man's responsibility. No condom, no booty.
65) Go ahead, change the oil yourself. If you get a little on you don't worry, some men like it dirty. And if they don't, they don't appreciate you for who you truely are and you should re-evaluate why you are with them in the first place.
66) Women should in no way be subjected or forced to "Man Law". Women have higher standards than that. Screw Man Law
67) No woman should ever have to put the toilet seat down. If this happens the guilty male party must put the seat down and then owes the woman an apology.
68) A true woman should not get dressed in the morning with the purpose of obtaining or impressing a man, you should look good for yourself.
69)It is okay to be a t-shirts and jeans kind of girl (sometimes) if he really loves you he will love every part of you(but dont push it).
70) You should be comfortable with yourself, every part, comfortable enough that you can be by yourself. If you NEED a man you will begin to do anything to obtain or keep one. You come first a man is secondary.
71) Once a cheater always a cheater.
72) If a guy is carrying a "man-bag", this is a purse and, well is just out of the question.
73) It is completely okay to date a guy just for his looks and ask him to not talk at any point on the date.
74) As a friend you are not allowed to buy the same article of clothing as your girlfriend. But, you are entitled to borrow it as many times as you would like and she insists she is not going to wear it.
75) Men who claim they love to watch Soap Operas and Chick Flicks are lying. It is a ploy to get you to think they are sensitive and mature.
76) If man of interest wears capris, strappy shoes, or has been previously been gay... said man should NOT be considered boyfriend material.
77) If said man commits an act of man, women should deem this act as "TYPICAL"
ex: If said man cheated on his girlfriend one should classify said man as "TYPICAL"
78) If woman can't get her way act cute and give him your cutest innocent look & said man will do whatever you want.
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1. No wasted beer in the name of humor.
2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control.
3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it’s a 6 day waiting period.
4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home.
(The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friend’s home)
5. Short shorts have been banned… Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.
6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.
7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or
Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you. 8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.
9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare in case a friend is in desperate need.
10. *NSF
11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you’re not a man.
12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.
13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours.
14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend...it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be replayed.
15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.
Addendum to Man Law No. 15:
If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really s----y and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats.
16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.
17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.
18. You poke it you own it.
19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.
20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she was to ever find out.
21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count… rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day.
22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E … Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet… or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants… (Or any other article of clothing).
23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar.
24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.
25. Being a Pirate should be considered a Manly job because pirates get two types of booty.
26. All men must eat meat. A s---load of meat. If not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick mini cooper like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting.
27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies.
28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry"
29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.)
30. Under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another mans attempt at getting some tang. Let’s just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man status and its privileges, and will result in the title Manb---h.
31. Every man should watch sports center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.
32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used is said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an ufc cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it (Cameron Ross, Nick Polyzos, Kristina Brockmann, and Drew Westerfield).
33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as, Mother's day, Birthday's, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.
34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to Manb---h and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships.
35. Women can't drive.
36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.
37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manb---h" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not.
38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don’t agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support.
39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past.
40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.
41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal.
42. A man will not live in his parent’s house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war.
43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". And the right to leave the room.
44. Sex is more important then talking
45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm.
46. Grilling regardless of weather is always the first choice for cooking.
47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat
48. Men will invite other men to Man Law
49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it’s not their brand."
50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not.
51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes.
52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza.
53. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.
54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can’t drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you cant drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review.
55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.
56. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbor’s lawn.
57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.
58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway.
59. The bachelor’s party is exclusively male. (except the entertainment).
60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.
61. A man purse is still a purse. (David Emadi)
62. No man shall dance for fun unless it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.
63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team.
64. No man shall bring a woman to the guy’s night out. This is punishable by verbal abuse for life.
65. If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.)
66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.
67. No man shall wear a beret unless it’s for his military service.
68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone.
69. No man shall ever, under any circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.
70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.
71. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story.
72. Keeping beer from other's by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring.
73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only.
74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man.
75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand.
76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men.
77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.
78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.
79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, and it is perfectly accepted to watch.
80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice.
81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Lacrosse, or Ice Hockey.
82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. exception to this rule are monkeys.
83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavored that comes in a bottle.
84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female.
85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry.
1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph.
2. Your date is using her teeth.
3. Anna Kournikova gets married.
86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing.
87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-to-eye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away.
88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.
89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions.
90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her.
91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monte Cristo, CAO (Cade Mayo).
92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined (Eric Gartenberg).
93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet. (Boots Jones)
94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".
97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bull----!" (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
99. B---hing about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.
101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friend’s birthday is optional)
104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing. You should know such things.
106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a pinkberry standing on the sideline.
108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
109. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.
111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patricks Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patricks Day. Green and/ or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter.
112.When passing another man in a tight area were contact is possible, hole to hole or pole to pole is only acceptable. If it is pole to pole no eye contact should be made. If any detour from this is spotted by any onlooking men, possible labels such as "kool-aid" may be deemed necessary. Resulting immediate demotion in man status. (Cody Miller)
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WOMEN 'LAWS'
1) Thou shall never bow down to a man or refer to him as “master.
2) Women may not drive on a date.
3) Thou shall always have chocolate available for any unforeseen crisis.
4) Ben and Jerry should always be on call in case of a bad day.
5) Just because you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean they are committed.
6) Cosmo = must read
7) Bad breath = no tongue.
8) Thou shall own at least one article of pink clothing.
9) Glitter, sequins, and rhinestones are fine in moderation.
10) Thou shall do hair and apply makeup at least once a week.
11) A hoodie, sweatpants, and pony-tail are completely acceptable, just don’t forget rule #10.
12) You should not have to open your door on the first date.
13) Honesty is the best policy when your friend is trying on clothes, just be nice.
14) Confidence is sexy.
15) If you see cheek or crack, your skirt is no longer a skirt, it is a belt.
16) Thou shall give fair warning when PMS-ing.
17) Singing in your car is completely acceptable.
18) Women shall always have the last word in an argument. If a man proceeds to speak after woman has the last word, he then starts a new argument.
19) Thou shall not date a man 15 or more years older.
20) There’s no such thing as over-packing, just preparation.
21) If a man is overly competitive, let him win occasionally, but don’t be afraid to beat him.
22) Let them pursue you, don’t pursue them.
23) Know your limit when drinking alcohol. Vomit is not sexy!
24) Women shall not chew tobacco.
25) When drunk, if the situation arises, go to his house, it’s less complicated that way.
26) Never lower your standards or compromise yourself to please others.
27) Always have a spare tampon.
28) Bigger is not always better.
29) Shopping is always better in pairs.
30) If a guy wears girl pants, he is not of dating or relationship material.
31) Always go to the bathroom in pairs. (assumed woman law)
32) As a woman, thou shall point out if another female’s zipper is down, has toilet paper on shoe, something in teeth, etc..
33) No car/working car = no date.
34) What happens on girls night, stays on girls night.
35) IT is your obligation as a woman to decorate and redecorate as you see fit.
36) Thou must not break plans with the girls in order to go out with a guy.
37) If a woman dates a man who is “not up to par'', she may take a Mulligan and therefore “it never happened.''
38) The “emergency phone call'' is completely acceptable to prevent any further boredom.
39) The woman who approaches a group of guys gets the first pick.
40) Chicks before dicks. Guys come and go but best friends only come around once in a lifetime.
41) You should not date a man who takes longer to get ready than you do.
42) If you come together, you leave together, unless you or your friend is going home with an extremely hot, non-creepy guy.
43) Thou shall not call a guy first, unless he calls you first and you are returning the call for some reason.
44) Always make the guy make the first move, he should work for your attention.
45) Women do not date a friend’s ex-boyfriend. Period.
46) Man’s mothers are key. How they treat their mother is how they’ll treat you.
47) No woman shall be “friends with benefits'', to any ex-boyfriend.
48) If a man appears sexy, caring, and smart, give him a few days, he’ll be back to his usual self, so don’ fall for it.
49) Men play the game, women know the score.
50) Don’t think you can change a man, unless he’s wearing diapers.
51) No excuses, play like a champion.
52) If a woman doesn’t remember it, it never happened.
53) Never let a man come between you and a friend.
54) It is ok to make a sandwich for a man if 1) he says please 2) you are already in the kitchen and are not going out of your way 3) there is something in it for you.
55) No guy is worth your tears and the one who is won’t make you cry.
56) Crack kills and is not sexy whatsoever.
57) Short shorts must be worn appropriately. Preferably summer time. Winter time is unnecessary, unless participating in a sporting event that demands short shorts. Popping of collar is allowed as long as you wear it accordingly.
58) When your friend picks up a hot guy...however the hot guy has an ugly friend...it is only right that you get rid of him. Or distract him from the main attraction. As women we are obligated to sacrifice yourself for friends and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be repaid.
59) No woman should purposely let her thong hang out to attract attention. Other women have the right to stare and give nasty looks if you tend to break this law.
60) If two or more girls arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving female is hooking up with a guy, it is the responsibility of the other female hooking up to find other ways home for her friends.
(The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with her own boyfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving her friends home)
61) Any man answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" shouldn’t expect that to be the end of the conversation.
61) A man should never let a woman walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
62) Women may joke with each other about being skanks and whores, but men may never do so.
63) There shall be no fat jokes between women and their friends.
64) Condoms are the man's responsibility. No condom, no booty.
65) Go ahead, change the oil yourself. If you get a little on you don't worry, some men like it dirty. And if they don't, they don't appreciate you for who you truely are and you should re-evaluate why you are with them in the first place.
66) Women should in no way be subjected or forced to "Man Law". Women have higher standards than that. Screw Man Law
67) No woman should ever have to put the toilet seat down. If this happens the guilty male party must put the seat down and then owes the woman an apology.
68) A true woman should not get dressed in the morning with the purpose of obtaining or impressing a man, you should look good for yourself.
69)It is okay to be a t-shirts and jeans kind of girl (sometimes) if he really loves you he will love every part of you(but dont push it).
70) You should be comfortable with yourself, every part, comfortable enough that you can be by yourself. If you NEED a man you will begin to do anything to obtain or keep one. You come first a man is secondary.
71) Once a cheater always a cheater.
72) If a guy is carrying a "man-bag", this is a purse and, well is just out of the question.
73) It is completely okay to date a guy just for his looks and ask him to not talk at any point on the date.
74) As a friend you are not allowed to buy the same article of clothing as your girlfriend. But, you are entitled to borrow it as many times as you would like and she insists she is not going to wear it.
75) Men who claim they love to watch Soap Operas and Chick Flicks are lying. It is a ploy to get you to think they are sensitive and mature.
76) If man of interest wears capris, strappy shoes, or has been previously been gay... said man should NOT be considered boyfriend material.
77) If said man commits an act of man, women should deem this act as "TYPICAL"
ex: If said man cheated on his girlfriend one should classify said man as "TYPICAL"
78) If woman can't get her way act cute and give him your cutest innocent look & said man will do whatever you want.
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(If I missed out on censoring anything else, please let me know)
keke so many "laws" to follow .__.
