[h_d_s701]

For the past few years I've been struggling with my homosexuality. It's difficult. I hate myself for being such a coward about it. There's nothing I hate more than how scared I am of revealing to my parents that I'm gay. It's not so much I'm scared they won't love me, no, I know them better than that, they won't ever stop loving me. The main problem with telling them the truth, coming out of the closet, is that I'm afraid of disappointing them and not fulfilling their definition of a "good son". And then there's all those traditional Asian values that get me depressed about my situation. I just feel really empty inside because I can't even be truthful to the two people who love me the most in this world. I'm so scared that they will resent me for who I am (even though I know they probably won't). The main reason I don't tell people around me that I'm gay is for fear that my parents will find out somehow. Because of my fear of telling my parents the truth, I end up lying to the rest of the world. I don't want to be scared of disapproval, but I am. This is something I have to come to terms with. Fears aren't a bad thing, however, letting them run your life (like I am) is. I shouldn't have to change my entire lifestyle just because I'm scared of coming out. It saddens me that I wish I could change sexual preference because that's just like saying someone who doesn't want to be born a certain ethnicity. It saddens me that I want to change who I am. But I'm trying to be 100% honest here. I really do wish I could change who I am. Sometimes I just feel like life would be so much easier if I was straight.

Then there's the part of me that feels really guilty for not being open about being gay. Whether I want to be or not, I am gay, and thus part of the gay community. So many people are scared of coming out just because of the feared reactions. This is understandable, however, I know for a fact that there's always power in numbers. Since I'm part of the gay community I feel as if it’s my duty to be proud and to outwardly tell people the truth. I think gay people have to openly tell people they are gay because the social idea of heterosexuality is so ingrained in the minds of people. They automatically assume people are straight. It's important to tell people your orientation because by doing so, little by little you're changing society. There are stories of people getting killed, beaten, harassed, and being discriminated upon because of their sexual orientation. Stuff like this would be less prone to happening if the gay community would just step out of the shadows and show just how many people there are in the world really are homosexual. Yes, I realize I am a hypocrite. I feel horrible because of this fact. Not a day passes where I don't feel guilty because I'm letting down all the gay people that are suffering just because I'm not brave enough to tell the truth. Even though me coming out won't save every homosexual from discrimination out there, at least I could do something even though it's insignificant. Confucius once said, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Nothing in the world will ever change if everyone's just waiting for it; people have to take matters in their own hands. The world won't change for you; you have to change for the world.

However, even though the fear of coming out and the guilt of not standing up for people that need my voice are horrible, I think there's something even worse that's bothering me. It's my dishonesty to both the people I love and myself. I believe one of the most important cornerstones to any good relationship, whether it be between father and son or friend-to-friend, is honesty. If you can't even be honest to a person you care about, then why even care about them? Every minute of every day that you don't tell them your sexual orientation, you're lying to them, you're betraying their trust, you're relationship, and all the happy memories you've shared. Honesty is one of the most basic components of any healthy and good relationship, it is necessary, and thus, in turn, coming out is necessary. However, what's worst of all is that if you don't come out of the closet, you're lying to yourself. You are ashamed of who you are. You are a coward for not being able to confront your fears. You are immature for not taking responsibility for your own life. You are not you. Lying yourself will never lead to any true happiness. In order to be truly happy in life, you have to be a person who's not afraid, who's not in denial, who's not immature, and who is able to be who they really want to be. Although many closeted gays (me included) won't want to admit it, coming out is a necessity for a truly happy life. I'm still working on coming out to my parents. Someday in the near future I will. Right now though, I don't think the timing's good. I look forward to the day when I can be one hundred percent truthful to both the world and myself.

I felt like I had to say this in an open environment and not just in my journal. I think saying stuff like this online will help me be more open in real life, hahahaha. Wow, I just realized how long my post was... >.< sorry, I just had a lot to say... I really hope won't be any homophobic people posting hateful stuff here... >.> That'd make me really sad... I wanted to say all this so that maybe, just maybe, someone in the same dilemma as me would read it.

***If you know anyone who you suspect is gay or lesbian or whatever, if you're really their friend don't ask them about it (that'd be prying), just reassure them that no matter what they'll always have your friendship. And if someone does tell you they are gay or lesbian, don't just sit there shocked, don't laugh at them, don't question them, and don't say something lame like "I could tell." Instead just let them know that they have your support, that's the best thing you can do. ***

[chipao]

don't be afraid to tell the world who you really are.^^

go, girl! come out!

good luck with your parents though but i'm pretty sure that they'll support you in whatever you do

[Harbl]

Your post was awesome, honestly one of the best things i've read on soompi.

I hope you end up happy, whatever you choose to do.

[LK.]

saaaavvvvvvvvvvinnngggg sppootttt !~

EDIT:

Firstly , DANG THAT WAS SOME HECKA LONG POST! ~ Haha ,
Onto topic .

Hi , I'm Lamassu / Lamah , And I'm a homosexual .
=\ , Still at this moment , Just saying THAT makes me feel weird .

I've been in your situation before , It was one of the hardest things I faced ..
The first time I told someone I was gay was a pretty daunting experience.

I remember back when I was in year 10 ( I'm 12th grade student now ), I got close to this guy, No I didn't like him , But he was really cool to talk to and stuff . One day we were talking , and he was like ..
" Lamah ... "
" yeah? "
" I'm ... Bi-sexual"
At that moment , I was soo shocked , I mean SOMEONE ELSE WAS LIKE ME ! D: , I .. got really emotional , and I started crying --; . He was like :
"Why are you crying?"
" I'm so grateful that you trust me enough to tell me such a thing"
verrry emotional .. until he said
" Craap .. I was .. only joking .. "
I was shocked again .. and went quiet .. then he goes
" Hey .. how come you're not talking ? why are you taking it serious? "
It took me a while to gain enough courage to open my mouth but I finally said it.. I looked him right in the eye and said ,
" Lan ... I'm .. gay .. "
He froze .. then it took HIM a while to say something .. He told me he was really sorry , That he joked around with me .. And he said that I was his first friend to come out to him , and he felt privileged enough to know that someone trusted him enough to admit such a thing .

Now the parents ,
I had the same fear , * If my parents found out , will they still love me ? will I be disowned? will they love me less ? * .. My parents found out around the same time .. and they wanted to have a talk with me . Of course I was not sure what was going on .. But once we sat down together , They had serious faces on , so I knew that it was serious ..

They eventually told me that they knew ..

That day , It was one of the hardest days I've lived through to date , That day surpassed the breakup I had with my ex .. Why? because it was just emotionally overwhelming . That night , I wasn't sure if they accepted who I am .. They asked me a lot of questions , I felt sooo hurrtt , I was crying , My Mother was crying and so was my dad . One of the thing was .. They were hurt .. Not because I'm gay .. Because of the fact I wasted 15 years of my life , handling it by myself .. That I lied to the 2 people who created me , who wanted the best for me .. They were soo hurt , I mean how would you feel if you were a parent and you found out your child didn't trust you ? . I was soo hurt .. That night .. I ran away from home for the night , I just really needed to think , and I really needed some air as well . It was too much for me to take ..

Before , I always used to ask myself ...why? why me? It hurt me to know that I wasn't accepted in society's eyes .. Espeicially the religous factor of things .

Seriously I would think to myself , " I hate the person who I am .. Who the hell would want to be like this. " I went through the phase of depression and such .

But I'm so lucky to be surrounded by people who accept me for who I am . Of course some people still don't know . But they're not really important to me anyways . But comming out to my close friends , the girls and guys ... It was such a relief , This thing that weighs you down is lifted ! ~ , It really is a wonderful feeling when you know you've accepted yourself =) really it is =) .

Take my advice here , If you're going to do something , Make sure you don't regret it =) .

I'M SOO SORRY FOR POSTING SUCH A LONG RESPONSE !~
I just really wanted to help --;
Hope something I've posted helps you out =)
And keep intouch with what happens as well ! ~

L A M A S S U .

[KAITOU KID.]

I really hope won't be any homophobic people posting hateful stuff here... >.>

We can arrange shootings for such people.

Drive by; rooftop assasinations. &more.

[TotalCamwhore]

^ROFL

Yeah I'll be on the "Anti-antihomo" squad, strapped with AKs and snipes`

Onto a more serious note...
I've had a friend who was homosexual all her life and she went to an ALL girls' school. You'd probs think LUCKY HER, but it was hell in her view. But she came out in yr 8, and surprisingly, her entire grade loved her for it and she has influenced everyone's perspective on homosexuality. She was laid back about it but was open about her problems, and those that had 'rigid traditional' views became very supportive.

So dude. Or babe lol. Go ahead and start off telling your close friends who you really are, if they appreciate you and are true friends - they'd stick by. Otherwise, f*ck them cos at least you had the courage and 'balls' to confront it like a real man. I'm not sure about gays, but I'm just assuming there's gender roles...so im sorry if i offended u (that is, if u play the girl role).

Anyways man, since you started this on Soompi, you've already taken a step =]

[HtyPotter]

Good luck dude. Look, you're gonna come out eventually, whether it's today or 30 years from now. Personally, EVEN IF your parents are going to feel disappointed, I think you'll be doing your parents a favor by telling them the truth sooner rather than later. It's never going to be an easy thing for them to hear, so why prolong it? Waiting can only make it worse, I think.

[michilatte]

come out of the closet.

so the world can see you as the awesomely homosexual person they are.

i mean, your parents may get a little upset, but if they love you, they'll accept you as who you are. and the friends who may reject you after you come out, they don't deserve to have you as a friend anyways.

so yeah. and don't forget, soompi will always accept you. .

well, the people who have posted so far will alwas accept you.

[Villian]

gay people are still people none the less

and i actually enjoy gay guys company, they are just fun to hang out with, no homo

be who are you, people either love you or hate you

who cares what people think, its your life, they dont know you

be happy and enjoy life

we all live once, and life is short

[k9krazy123]

lol I'm 15 and im still going through all this stuff ;-; I'm asian so it makes it weirder lol... I'm bi btw. I did like a guy once though. He was joking around one day and said I'm a girl and I accidentally said I'd like you either way. And then he like freaked out and was like AS IN FRIENDS OR LOVER?! And yeah.. I didn't think I could hide it anymore. Now he avoids me lol... im afraid of letting people know Just like lamassu lol I'm still going through the depression phase too haha... Reject to society that's why I'm afraid of telling people..

[simplicity90]

i have a friend that is in the same situation as you. he just came out to me and some of our other close friends. i always had a suspicion but i thought that if it was true he would tell me on his own. he's asian too and he was telling me how he's afraid to tell his parents case he's scared that they're going to label him as their "gay son". they might be shocked at first but as his parents i know they'll come around. give it some time and when you feel the most comfortable, tell your parents. good luck. :]

[k9krazy123]

Lol my sister walked up to my mom one day and asked What would you do if (me) was gay? And she doesn't know btw she was just joking. No one knows @_@ cept that dude. Anyway my mom said If he's gay I'll disown him. Lol sooo Gotta keep quiet haha...

[OldSpice]

how do you even know your gay 100%, you said you wish you wasnt, so that makes you not gay

[k9krazy123]

Its the hormones lol. You can't control those. I wish I wasn't bi but no matter what I do I still find guys attractive. I feel ashamed about it but I can't help it. Its not a personal choice if it was I wouldn't be like this at all. =[

[Villian]

Its the hormones lol. You can't control those. I wish I wasn't bi but no matter what I do I still find guys attractive. I feel ashamed about it but I can't help it. Its not a personal choice if it was I wouldn't be like this at all. =[

i dont blame you, with my good looks of course everyone will turn gay

[k9krazy123]

Lol aah that was smooth xd but rly lol not a lifestyle choice

[MaryMagdalin]

i`m guessing... yuou havent entered college yet?
people come out during college the most
and are the most accepted as well.
everyone knows they are gay, but we dont even question it.
maybe cuz my major is fashion design its more accepted? no idea.


anywayive never had a situation like this
and i dont know my friends who are gay have told their parents or not
but gl and i`m sure it will work out in the end. =)

[h_d_s701]

Wow, you guys are so nice. I'm a little speechless (I should be since I already typed so much >.<). Thanks to you all.

Truthfully, it was kind of hard for me to even check to see if anyone replied because I was kind of scared of what people would say.

I feel a lot better right now about the whole situation.

[ShadowMax76]

saaaavvvvvvvvvvinnngggg sppootttt !~

EDIT:

Firstly , DANG THAT WAS SOME HECKA LONG POST! ~ Haha ,
Onto topic .

Hi , I'm Lamassu / Lamah , And I'm a homosexual .
=\ , Still at this moment , Just saying THAT makes me feel weird .

I've been in your situation before , It was one of the hardest things I faced ..
The first time I told someone I was gay was a pretty daunting experience.

I remember back when I was in year 10 ( I'm 12th grade student now ), I got close to this guy, No I didn't like him , But he was really cool to talk to and stuff . One day we were talking , and he was like ..
" Lamah ... "
" yeah? "
" I'm ... Bi-sexual"
At that moment , I was soo shocked , I mean SOMEONE ELSE WAS LIKE ME ! D: , I .. got really emotional , and I started crying --; . He was like :
"Why are you crying?"
" I'm so grateful that you trust me enough to tell me such a thing"
verrry emotional .. until he said
" Craap .. I was .. only joking .. "
I was shocked again .. and went quiet .. then he goes
" Hey .. how come you're not talking ? why are you taking it serious? "
It took me a while to gain enough courage to open my mouth but I finally said it.. I looked him right in the eye and said ,
" Lan ... I'm .. gay .. "
He froze .. then it took HIM a while to say something .. He told me he was really sorry , That he joked around with me .. And he said that I was his first friend to come out to him , and he felt privileged enough to know that someone trusted him enough to admit such a thing .

Now the parents ,
I had the same fear , * If my parents found out , will they still love me ? will I be disowned? will they love me less ? * .. My parents found out around the same time .. and they wanted to have a talk with me . Of course I was not sure what was going on .. But once we sat down together , They had serious faces on , so I knew that it was serious ..

They eventually told me that they knew ..

That day , It was one of the hardest days I've lived through to date , That day surpassed the breakup I had with my ex .. Why? because it was just emotionally overwhelming . That night , I wasn't sure if they accepted who I am .. They asked me a lot of questions , I felt sooo hurrtt , I was crying , My Mother was crying and so was my dad . One of the thing was .. They were hurt .. Not because I'm gay .. Because of the fact I wasted 15 years of my life , handling it by myself .. That I lied to the 2 people who created me , who wanted the best for me .. They were soo hurt , I mean how would you feel if you were a parent and you found out your child didn't trust you ? . I was soo hurt .. That night .. I ran away from home for the night , I just really needed to think , and I really needed some air as well . It was too much for me to take ..

Before , I always used to ask myself ...why? why me? It hurt me to know that I wasn't accepted in society's eyes .. Espeicially the religous factor of things .

Seriously I would think to myself , " I hate the person who I am .. Who the hell would want to be like this. " I went through the phase of depression and such .

But I'm so lucky to be surrounded by people who accept me for who I am . Of course some people still don't know . But they're not really important to me anyways . But comming out to my close friends , the girls and guys ... It was such a relief , This thing that weighs you down is lifted ! ~ , It really is a wonderful feeling when you know you've accepted yourself =) really it is =) .

Take my advice here , If you're going to do something , Make sure you don't regret it =) .

I'M SOO SORRY FOR POSTING SUCH A LONG RESPONSE !~
I just really wanted to help --;
Hope something I've posted helps you out =)
And keep intouch with what happens as well ! ~

L A M A S S U .

wow. o.o' that was .. somethin' to make my heart smile.


i'm bi myself. i don't really care if people find out. >>' no one really bashes on gay people around here anyways.
and people already have started looking down on me as the black sheep since i practically handled my education with care just to smash and jump on the pieces just recently.......... mwahah~

'sides. oO' i pride myself in not being the obvious bi/gay person... x]

but meh.. i don't make it known because there's not really much point, so i see..
"i have genital warts"
"LOL DUDE WTF??"

yeah.. somethin' like that. o_o'

if i see a guy i like, i'll try to make it the most straightest pick up thing ever...

but neh. x-x' 'in all seriousness' .. it does suck. [...-ssunshines-]
twice the love, twice the pain.
but no matter what. you'll never be alone.

[Villian]

wow. o.o' that was .. somethin' to make my heart smile.


i'm bi myself. i don't really care if people find out. >>' no one really bashes on gay people around here anyways.
and people already have started looking down on me as the black sheep since i practically handled my education with care just to smash and jump on the pieces just recently.......... mwahah~

'sides. oO' i pride myself in not being the obvious bi/gay person... x]

but meh.. i don't make it known because there's not really much point, so i see..
"i have genital warts"
"LOL DUDE WTF??"

yeah.. somethin' like that. o_o'

if i see a guy i like, i'll try to make it the most straightest pick up thing ever...

but neh. x-x' 'in all seriousness' .. it does suck. [...-ssunshines-]
twice the love, twice the pain.
but no matter what. you'll never be alone.

wow i never knew you were gay, how interesting

soompi is full of girls and gays i see =]