Posted 02 March 2007 - 12:07 PM
I need a hard drink.
I rarely ever open up to people like this(not even my best friends or my parents), so consider yourselves lucky:
I've lost it, my mind, I've really lost it. I had a mental breakdown last night, and I stayed up till 5 in the morning crying and going hysterical. My body was shaking, I was looking up at my ceiling, because of the fan blades, the shadow they cast looked like a cross, asking god for forgiveness and kept saying "I'm sorry god, please forgive me" over and over again (though it probably came out "M sowy gud pweas fuwgiv me" because of the hysteria). I began arguing with myself or my imagination of what people would say. I went from sorrow to extreme anger. My right hand began trembling uncontrollably, which made me stop crying and calm down as now I was looking at my hand just trembling.
Then all my fears, anxiety, stress and depression just came back. All the things I've put off in dealing with came back, reminding me of the guilt and anguish and pain, just like I was going through the moment all over again. I relived the memories of getting left behind by my ex-gf(I had known her for 9 years) because she found a new guy and moved in with him 4 months into my tour in Iraq, I relived the memories of when I found out my friend was shot by a sniper, I relived the memory of being shot at and having an IED blow up, of being in a convoy and being terrified if this was your last moment in life, but they where all things I just put aside and refused to deal with. I shrugged it off like it didn't affect me and my outlet to contain my stress and anxiety was smoking cigarettes. Imagine a tea kettle...only in my case more tea and water kept being added.
The things I've seen and had to do make me really non-religious as I really question what religious significance does any of it have?....That's a rhetorical question, I don't want to read about people's take on my religious stance or how god is doing this or that.
I really wanted to hurt someone last night. I imagined stabbing a random stranger in the chest with my ka-bar and feeling guilty about it. Guilty not because I knew what I was doing was bad, but guilty because I was obviously taking pleasure from it. Seeing their shocked face contort to fear and pain as I twisted the knife around, pushing the knife deeper into their chest, it was giving me solace. Luckily, my morals were kicking back in and I realized just how wrong all of that is, and I felt guilty and dirty.
If I had to attribute colors to the whole thing, it would be very dark colors: Black, dark blue, dark purple, dark red then it would change into light blue, crimson blood red, medium green, brilliant orange, white, and yellow. Imagine going through all those memories and those colors being the predominate theme while in the back of your head you hear yourself laughing at your weakness, poking fun at your state, taunting you and mocking you. The words come out of your mouth and you become the person crying and laughing.
I'm losing my mind.
I need to drown my sorrow in alcohol and just forget all about it. I need a bottle to crawl into.
OIF III: October 20th, 2004 - January 6, 2006
OIF V: June 1st, 2007 - May 6th, 2008
