[jshat4]

So something that's popped up in my mind after seeing and being part of various exchanges of "give-take" on online forums.

So what do people exactly feel when they give advice, whether it's relationship, job, education, interests, etc. to others? Altruism? Finding common ground? Mentorship? Pride? "I've been through it so I know better"? The positive ones probably jump out more if you were asked by a friend or someone you know. But I think if people really ask themselves, they start to think about the other less obvious, subconscious desires. Everyone feels better when they are more expertise in a field, even if it's just being through a hard time last week. And you feel so much older/wiser when you can SHARE this experience...help someone. Yes, it makes them feel "good" to help someone.

But on the receiving end, what do you usually get when you ask for advice? If it's something simple, i.e. "Does anyone know how to do ---blah blah" and they either get the help, or they don't. Other times, they get rude people going "Why don't you look for it yourself". For other PERSONAL advice/opinions, I find that most people read everything, but they start looking for the response they wanted to hear when they asked the question. Often people ask those questions asking for reassurance of what they are doing is right. Even if it's just strangers online they don't know. So they tune out the negatives, perhaps get insulted/annoyed, then start focusing in on what they want to hear. Sometimes, they WANT to hear negatives, i.e. if they think they're anti-social, if someone tells them they aren't, they won't believe it. A million examples follow.

So it really begs the question of how useful these interactions are in CERTAIN cases. For the most part, I think communication is good, even if it is only virtual. But sometimes, you really wonder, if the receiving end wants to hear one thing, and the giving end is only concerned with saying another, and you start to notice patterns, is it really helpful?

And no, this is not related to a specific incident ha. I am just saying in general, even in real life. Often, when we ask our real life friends for advice, we know what we're gonna hear. Yet we still do the asking. So it makes you wonder why people still bother.

[watcher]

i think it's something to do when ur free, and sometimes you make friends along the way. i dont come here thinkin im gonna make a difference. i come here thinkin that i can kill some time or relax for a bit.

[Irysinon]

^ And play Tic Tac Toe...if that were ever possible on here.

Speaking for myself (and really, I can only speak for myself), I look for relativity and relevance from the responses; something that can be applied to my problems. Sometimes it's about picking and choosing, depending on where my feelings are most highlighted at and sometimes, it's about considering and thinking about everything. I've come to realize that a lot of the times, the interactions are really dead-end useless or cyclically devoid of any resolve and that these online communities are best left for non-personal posts, or rather, happy posts and pretenders galore. And quite possibly, some interactions may have more value than just Q & A types? I don't know. Watcher probably knows though.

[Prot]

I enjoy sharing ideas, constructive criticism, and obtaining a more well rounded and broader spectrum view on an idea at the end. That is why I share advice, and ask for advice. I also share advice because I hope it will open anothers mind.

[watcher]

^ And play Tic Tac Toe...if that were ever possible on here.

Speaking for myself (and really, I can only speak for myself), I look for relativity and relevance from the responses; something that can be applied to my problems. Sometimes it's about picking and choosing, depending on where my feelings are most highlighted at and sometimes, it's about considering and thinking about everything. I've come to realize that a lot of the times, the interactions are really dead-end useless or cyclically devoid of any resolve and that these online communities are best left for non-personal posts, or rather, happy posts and pretenders galore. And quite possibly, some interactions may have more value than just Q & A types? I don't know. Watcher probably knows though.

OREO! haha

[Tuffcore]

"What you keep for yourself, you lose. What you give away, you keep forever."

Life is funny,
When you give, you get.
When you teach, you learn.

[Pogichinoy]

I don't hold the conversations here too seriously, as I prefer to get my advice from people who I can see have had their own experience and are open to talk about them.

[duykato]

I tend to find that selective listening thing happening a lot in the L&R replies. Since I frequent it I always like to give my 2 cents in either) Good Duy / Bad Duy ... or painfully truthful formats.

I like Soompi because it's the information super highway. People definitely seem to have some very unbiased answers, others not so much. I guess when I'm giving advice or an answer I feel... socially connected. Mentorship? Eh, not so much, just another face in the crowd that wishes to share his take on a story. I love receiving answers especially. I read the threads and soak it all in... taking in the good.. some of the bad.. some of the ugly.

[UglyIsBeautiful]

For me, it's about separating the wheat from the chaff. Some of the advice can be applied directly into my life or I can relate to that person's own experiences very well. Others, not so much. Not that I don't appreciate all the advice given but what I hate is when the person giving the advice thinks he knows better or he automatically assumes he knows what it's like in your shoes.

It's impossible to describe completely one's situation online and so when you seek out advice in this way, you gotta be prepared to get a whole range of advice. If you seek advice but try to describe your situation thoroughly, people might get bored reading and miss a lot of what you wrote. If you keep your description short, people might fill in the gaps with their own assumptions, many of which are actually experiences pulled from their own lives or of people they know.

As for the person giving the advice, he/she tends to get annoyed if his advice isn't taken. That's a very arrogant type of attitude. And I feel that the reason they get annoyed that their advice isn't taken is because they have somewhat similar insecurities in real life and giving people advice and seeing their advice being taken provides them with more security and positive feedback for themselves.

[jshat4]

Yeah I think people shouldn't ask questions with the expectation that someone will provide a perfect/desired answer for them, and the same works on the other end--people shouldn't give advice assuming that it's the holy grail way and it should be taken or else the advice-seeker is helpless.

[jshat4]

And another thing, it's not so much about WHAT people say rather than their tact and HOW they say it. Personally, I find that a lot of users have good points, but they express it in a way that really turns people (okay me in this case) off. Either they're incredibly arrogant and self-absorbed about their views, or they are incredibly rude and inreceptive to the views of others. in general, it's not good to fall on extremes.

I know I'm not the best at it either, but I don't try as hard on Soompi as in real life. Because honestly, if some people seriously talk this way in real life, you're gonna turn off a whole bunch of people. Perhaps not in your tight-knit crowd, but heck, a lot of other people. Sometimes, just sugar-coating things a LITTLE bit and trying not to be so offensive really does help. No one needs to know why you're #1 or why you deserve the most attention.

I use this, and I don't know if it really works or what, but if I have something mean/potentially offensive to say, I won't reply right away, and after a day, if I still want to say it, I'll post it. Usually, I find I don't anymore because it's not worth offending someone else, especially when they won't listen to me anyway. Maybe that could be useful.

[watcher]

^ so if the advice is good, and you know it's good, but you dont like how the person said it, you wont listen to it?

[duykato]

I know I'm not the best at it either, but I don't try as hard on Soompi as in real life. Because honestly, if some people seriously talk this way in real life, you're gonna turn off a whole bunch of people. Perhaps not in your tight-knit crowd, but heck, a lot of other people. Sometimes, just sugar-coating things a LITTLE bit and trying not to be so offensive really does help. No one needs to know why you're #1 or why you deserve the most attention.

I use this, and I don't know if it really works or what, but if I have something mean/potentially offensive to say, I won't reply right away, and after a day, if I still want to say it, I'll post it. Usually, I find I don't anymore because it's not worth offending someone else, especially when they won't listen to me anyway. Maybe that could be useful.

Hehe I agree. Tact and candor is apart of common courtesy. I will, however, admit I sometimes void my own advice and just give people the brutal truth. I like to think of it as.. tough love.

[jshat4]

The natural impulse right away is not to because it an arrogant prick is ORDERING/PREACHING me to go do something, yea why the heck should I listen and what right do they have to talk to me in that way (even if I'm just another face on the Internet).

In the long run though, some of it may sink in after I'm done getting annoyed/p.issed. It's just human nature for this cycle to work.

This is why there are so many classes on professionalism etc. If a doctor is rude and inconsiderate to a patient, likely the patient is gonna be non-compliant even if the medical advice was sound and good. Same w/ a lawyer and the client, etc. etc. and a million other examples.

I only void this when I have lost respect for the person I'm talking to. If I don't care about them, then I'll just say it out like how I feel (within reasonable limits i.e. no swearing and personal attacks). But honestly, if people are being disruptive and annoying, I'll just say it. Doesn't mean I want to give them tough love, just means I wish they'll put a stop to it so I can read the forums in peace without their type of attitude.

But for giving advice, no, I don't do it because I TRY not to put too much personal bias into it. Yes, I fail a lot of the times, but I try to make the effort. Because honestly, if you REALLY wanted to help THEM and not have a "let's talk about ME and MY views" online moment, then you would think in THEIR shoes, and what THEY would do. Being empathetic HELPS them, boasting/reflecting purely on YOURSELF doesn't.

[watcher]

The natural impulse right away is not to because it an arrogant prick is ORDERING/PREACHING me to go do something, yea why the heck should I listen and what right do they have to talk to me in that way (even if I'm just another face on the Internet).

In the long run though, some of it may sink in after I'm done getting annoyed/p.issed. It's just human nature for this cycle to work.

This is why there are so many classes on professionalism etc. If a doctor is rude and inconsiderate to a patient, likely the patient is gonna be non-compliant even if the medical advice was sound and good. Same w/ a lawyer and the client, etc. etc. and a million other examples.

i think it goes both ways. some people are just sensitive and take things the wrong way. insecurities on the side of the person who's taking advice may also hinder that person's ability to take in good advice.

[jshat4]

i think it goes both ways. some people are just sensitive and take things the wrong way. insecurities on the side of the person who's taking advice may also hinder that person's ability to take in good advice.

Yeah, but this is where EMPATHY comes in if you genuinely wanted to help them and not write them off as some insecure, oversensitive freak who has so many issues. (and to be politically correct, no I am not talking about you in specific *rolls eyes*).

This is what some people were referring to earlier. If advice-givers go in with that attitude, thinking everyone is over-sensitive and takes things they say the wrong way without looking towards themselves or believe they are free of insecurities themselves, then they really aren't gonna be of much help.

Anyway, my point is that it's totally fine for people to express themselves however they want to on these forums and if they like using other people's help threads as a way for self-expression and attention (and I do agree that some help threads are totally also attention-seeking), then go straight ahead. Just don't pretend that you're trying to save the world while doing it.

[Prot]

I would see what the watcher is refering to is an example like this:

Q: "Do I look good in this?"
A1: "No you do not look good, probably because of so and so."

Sugar coated:
A2: "Oh you look fine, don't worry about it, but you may want to change so and so."

A1 gets straight to the point.

[jshat4]

Meh, general examples usually don't extrapolate well to specific cases.

MAYBE you should consider ~ What does this person really want to hear? Maybe they want it straight? Maybe they can't take it straight? Maybe I don't really know them well enough to give a potentially blunt and rude response like that?

There's a difference between saying, "You don't look good in it" to saying "I think something else may be better".

It's about TACT, not simply sugar-coating and being fake.

This is Soompi, and dealing with strangers, not talking to friends whose personalities you think you've got figured out.

But whatever, in one ear, out the other. People are still gonna do what they want and that's cool, whatever floats your boats.

And that wasn't really a good example of what I was referring to with the type of help threads around lately, because something like that would go into a more simple-natured "Beauty and Fashion" thread.

[watcher]

Yeah, but this is where EMPATHY comes in if you genuinely wanted to help them and not write them off as some insecure, oversensitive freak who has so many issues. (and to be politically correct, no I am not talking about you in specific *rolls eyes*).

This is what some people were referring to earlier. If advice-givers go in with that attitude, thinking everyone is over-sensitive and takes things they say the wrong way without looking towards themselves or believe they are free of insecurities themselves, then they really aren't gonna be of much help.

Anyway, my point is that it's totally fine for people to express themselves however they want to on these forums and if they like using other people's help threads as a way for self-expression and attention (and I do agree that some help threads are totally also attention-seeking), then go straight ahead. Just don't pretend that you're trying to save the world while doing it.

what are you trying to insinuate?? that im arrogant and think im trying to save the world? u think im sensitive? you know what??? this could exactly be the type of response a sensitive person can make

in all honest, the web is the easiest place to misconstrue words. even being empathetic sometimes just doesn't quite work. it's a two way street. askers should keep an open mind as must as givers should be as tactful as possible. but even then, we'll still have a few skirmishes here and there

[Prot]

When reading words you cannot hear the tone of the speaker or the facial expression they are giving off so its based completely off the word choice and your interpretation of the tone of words and facial expression of whomever you are reading. In other words, the reader determines the mood of the response given to them.