[lady_muimui]

*update* So I broke up with him. He got so angry, because he said that I left the country when everything was fine and all of a sudden I'm in Japan for a month or two and my feelings change all of a sudden. He said that I never thought about how he would feel, that it's always been about me, me, and me. He also said he wanted me to wait til I got back, so I could see his new self that he once was before he met me. At first I was pissed too, because the last time we fought he blamed me for convincing him to move into my parents' place and now he won't have a place to stay. Even after I broke up with him, he's like "now, I have a 3 week vacation in Japan and I don't know what to do during that 3 weeks. I have to stare at your pictures at my work place everyday. I hate when people are right. They say that we wouldn't last because you're away for a year. Now everyone is going to be like 'I told you so'. Everyone knows we were engaged." blah blah blah. It seems like even to the very end, he was trying to make me feel bad.

He called again about hours after that, and we talked things out. He told me that he would always love me, and that we'll see what happens when I get back to the states. Until then, we'll remain broken-up. That's all. xD

Thank you everyone for your advices.




Hey guys~ I've been going out with a guy for almost a year now (officially 1 year the 22nd of this month). At first I liked him, but I wasn't crazy about him like he was about me. But he kind of grew on me. We moved pretty fast. I think after 2-3 months of dating, we started "living" with each other. I'd stay at his place, and vice versa. He graduated in May, and my parents let him move in with the fam, because he doesn't really have a home. My family and him get along together just fine. He and I, on the other hand, have our share of arguments now and again. Whenever I tell him how I feel, he's really sensitive and tends to burst into tears and ask me why I do the things I do to him. What do I do to him exactly? I'm not sure. LOL. I tell him how I feel, like if I'm insecure or if I'm not sure things are going to work out. He always tells me that he might as well not live since I'm "throwing him away" like his parents did. He's not a bad person, he's just scarred from his childhood. But then he makes me promise him that I won't throw him away, makes me tell him that i love him, and makes me tell him that I want to be with him. Do I love him? Yea, he was my first everything. So of course, he's special. *edit* We were friends for like a year and a half before going out.

Anyways, the first week of August, he proposed to me (yea, I know it was REAL fast). At that moment, I really loved him, so I said yes. At that point, not seeing him for half a day made me upset and anxious to see him again. Exactly a month later, I left the states for Japan for school (don't worry he encouraged me to apply for this opportunity). Since then, I've had a lot of time to think (since my work load isn't too bad and I don't have to work here). I feel that he's very important to me. I love him a lot, but I'm not sure if i love him as a lover or a best friend. I know for sure that if anything happened to him, I'd be heart-broken. But something inside me tells me that he's not the one for me, that I can find someone that I don't have to "settle" for. I mean sometimes the stuff he does pisses me off (I'll give an example down below for people who want to read). I keep replaying the happy and upsetting moments we've had in our relationship, and for some reason it makes me feel empty, not because he's not with me, but because I'm not satisfied. *edit* He's a real good friend to me, and I think I would definitely be sad if I lost him. He was my best friend, my boyfriend, my lover. If it doesn't work out between us, I definitely want to be friends.

I've been telling him through msn and skype, since those are the only ways that i can at the moment (don't worry there's video chat). But he reacts just like he would if I were telling him in person. He bursts into tears, starts blabbing in French and asking me why or telling me that there's no point for him to try no more. So all in short, I don't know what to do...

Here's the example I promised for those interest:
1) He bought two ferrets, because he always wanted them, but when he was younger his mother said no. My mom wasn't too happy about it too, but she let him have them. Now that I might be breaking up with him, he says he's gonna give them away. I'm sorry, but what about the ferrets, or hwo they feel? It's so irresponsible of him. Sure, another reason he got them is because I'm gonna be away for a year, so he needed something to focus on. However, why couldn't he have played video games or read a book? Instead he bought two live animals that have feelings and now wants to get rid of them, because I want to break up with him.

2) The major problem is that 2 weeks before I left, he bought a car that he had always wanted. I kept asking him if that was what he wanted, and he said yes, although he was nervous about the whole deal and kept biting his nails (a nervous habit). Because his credit wasn't so great, I was dumb enough to co-sign. The moment we walked out of the dealership, he started having doubts, which made me worry, cause I sure as hell couldn't afford the car, and the salesman knew I was leaving the country and stuff. Luckily my brother had connections, and we were able to return the car and get the car he traded in back. But the whole experience made me like iffy about whether I can marry him or not. I mean he didn't read the papers, I skimmed over and signed them, because he was always talking about how much he wanted it. I was just kind of disappointed you know. I know everyone makes mistakes, but if that was a house, that would've been one hell of an experience (not that it already wasn't).

I'm barely here in the love and relationship forum, but I'm asking all of you soompiers, please offer me your advices. I've been having trouble sleeping and concentrating in class because of this situation. :cries:

[ShadowMax76]

..... the real question is

why haven't you broken up with him yet?



_ i'll leave room for other people to fill. i ain't gonna answer everything.
:3 that'd kill the joy of a forum thread.

[twig*star]

woah .... yes. break up.

He needs to work on his issues ...... emotional blackmailing (all those tears, playing the victim, ferret threatening ), insecurity, immaturity, indecisiveness do not make a good bf ..... though obviously he does have his good traits such as being supportive or you wouldn't have stayed with him for so long.

and you really should stop making his childhood an excuse for his actions ........ acknowledge it but don't make it the central issue when dealing with him. Now the ferret issue: he's living with your family and your mother didn't want them but he bought them anyway without asking her is very inconsiderate, borderline disrespectful ...... i also think shows selfishness.

Either way, you're at that age of discovering your own identity and you probably already decided but want confirmation of your decision ...... so i think you should break up with him.


[edit] ShadowMax^^: i know right?! I could write a bloody essay about this guy ....

[PhuongNguyen]

You know, one of the rules I follow in life is to never settle for someone; just for the sake of it. Go for someone that you feel is good enough for you; that you don't question if he's "the one" or wonder if there's someone better out there.

I think this situation is partially because you guys move too quickly. Within a year and you're already moving in together; and signing for his car? I'm not pushing my belief upon you; but I think that when you take up those responsibility; you don't have time to get to know each other during the "dating" phrase. If anything; you're pratically like a married couple; and in my opinion... doing that right at the beginning of the relationship does it more harm than good. Try to slow down, and draw a line between being boyfriend and girlfriend, instead of husband and wife. You have plenty of time to do that once you're SURE of your feeling. But as for right now; do things that doesn't require you to have much responsibility for their life and action. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and the biggest thing that we share together is his buying me a laptop. I don't want to be afraid of breaking up with him because he lives with me, or because I signed for his car.

[anna12125]

the way i see it, seems like a mother worrying for her son. You're going to confuse yourself if you keep thinking about the ups and downs of your relationship so far. Those are in the past, forget about them for now and ask yourself, if it's okay to continue like this. It's your life you live for, not his. If he has got issues then help him but don't drag yourself too deep into it or you'll get hurt or regret it in the future. Btw, i think you guys are going too fast. Getting married is a big deal, especially because you're accepting the fact that you'll live with him for the majority of your life.

[L.FOR.LOVE]

your not happy with him are you ?
or not entirely satisfied
think of " can you live like this for the rest of your life "
dont think about other issues such as how its going to affect family or soemthing, just think of you two

[GOOMBA]

I think you already know the answer to your questions. =/

[lady_muimui]

ShadowMax76: Well...I guess because I'm scared I won't find someone better. And also because I'm afraid to lose him as a friend. =T He's also asking for a chance. He's coming to visit me in March for vacation (he claims he needs on real bad). He wants to spend some time together, and he asked me to give him a decision when I get back to the states next July. I'm just kind of scared...he's always supported me when no one else has. Not being with him would be a big change for me.

twig*star: Yea...I think I already decided. But he's upset that I "wait until you're on the other side of the globe and then all of a sudden decide that you don't love me no more". I do miss him a lot. But now that I have the space to breathe and reflect, I know we did a lot of things wrong. One being that we moved WAY to fast. Like I wrote in the comment to ShadowMax, he asked for a chance. If that doesn't work, he's willing to be friends. If I just left him now, he'd be really upset because it's "unfair" to him that I loved him up til this point and all of a sudden changed my mind.

PhuongNguyen: I know that what I did was wrong, and he knows I'm never gonna do anything like that again. The good thing is we weren't approved for the loan, so they had to take the car back. And there was some issue of fraud there, but that's a separate story. We're going to try to work things out slowly, since I'm on the other side of the world at the moment. This will give us a lot more time to grow and think things through and prepare for what's to come.

YOURS2ENVY: I think I do too...but I want to be sure I'm not making the wrong decision. >_< I've made a lot of stupid decisions before, but this I don't want to screw up on.

anna12125: yea..i tried not to think about things. But I've brought up several times in the course of our relationship when I felt that I wasn't sure or that maybe he's not the one for me. Every time before I got to finish what I was saying, he'd flip out and I'd feel like I'm being cornered into making an on-the-spot decision whether I want to be with him or not. And when I think about that, I feel like he doesn't care about how I feel or what I have to say. I actually told him early in our relationship that I'm not interested in getting married. The whole thing was his idea. He said there's no rush, but the ring is just to show me how much he loves me.

L.FOR.LOVE: I was. I was very happy, but I don't know why all of a sudden it just doesn't settle with me. I just feel like I don't want to have to go through another argument with him. I don't want to have to see him cry. I don't want him telling me that I always beat down on him when I'm just trying to let him know how I feel. I know I don't want to deal with it. But like I told ShadowMax and twigstar, I'm gonna give him a chance when he comes in March. That's the least I could do. I just feel horrible. Cause I told him I loved him and all that good stuff, and I know feelings can change, but I feel like I lured him into something he wanted only to burst his bubble.

[Flicksityy]

Your boyfriend seems really insecure, you as well.
You're afraid of hurting him because of his childhood mainly. (Sounds like you pity him and want to take the responsibility of being his family instead of a girlfriend.)
If you really love love love love him you wouldn't think about the insecurities of the future that lies ahead.
Do something that you truly want to do

[lady_muimui]

Your boyfriend seems really insecure, you as well.
You're afraid of hurting him because of his childhood mainly. (Sounds like you pity him and want to take the responsibility of being his family instead of a girlfriend.)
If you really love love love love him you wouldn't think about the insecurities of the future that lies ahead.
Do something that you truly want to do

You know, I doubted my feelings of love and asked myself if it was out of pity before. Like way at the beginning. But as I fell in love with, I really wanted to be with him. I wanted to make him smile. I wanted to show him what love is (but obviously I'm not the person to do so). And it tears me up inside to know that he's hurting from all of this too, mainly because of my fault.

[twig*star]

It's good of you to give him a chance. All relationships need work!!

In that case, i suggest you ask him to go to individual counselling. He needs to fix his issues beofre you guys can even tackle any in the relationship.

[D_K]

Cardinal rule: never marry a man who cries more than you.

[Daikirai]

I think you already know the answer to your questions. =/

Agreed. The fact that you made a thread about it.. eh.. =/ I feel really bad for him though.. He doesn't seem like a husband-type... more like a child. X.x

[night]

I think you've just answered your question, his not the one for you, and you're not satisfied.

You may feel like the bad person calling it quits but that's better than lying to yourself and him.

Trust your instincts!

[CriticalHit]

I think you already know the answer to your questions. =/

I agree.

First of all, this guy shows major signs of indecision. If he can't make a decision about
buying a car, what about your marriage?

And also if he's going to make rash decisions like giving away his ferrets because you
want to break up with him, you'll want to think twice. Even if he's just bluffing, if he can
bluff about doing something like that... yeah.

Like YOURS2ENVY said, I think you know the answer. Good luck =P

[duykato]

Anyone wanna bet on whether or not this guy is going to stalk her for a very long time after they break up? How about getting into that whole cutting himself fad?

Alright on a real note. If you're putting more into the relationship then you're getting out of it, it's time to re-evaluate your options. Marriage, imo, is a pretty big step. I agree with many of the previous posters when they say this guy doesn't sound like marriage material. As evil as it sounds, you're going to have to give him a handful of disappointment. Drop an anvil of rejection on the guy, hell make him hate you. I highly doubt this is going to end well. I forget where I got this from but, "If two people break up and can still remain friends, they were never in love." I don't agree or disagree, I'm just throwing it in there.

Whatever you choose, good luck to you. Time changes everything. Tough situation, but if I was in your shoes.. Yeah, the answer would be clear to me. /quit

[lady_muimui]

twig*star: Yea...I'm glad he was mature enough to ask for that chance though. Even though I already know the answer, deep inside I'm just hoping that everything works out whether we stay together or move on as friends. I think if we were friends, it might be a little easier to handle his emotional problems, instead of me getting so frustrated at times. But I think after this year apart, we might change and grow a lot from this experience. So we'll see how that goes. Thanks a lot.

D_K: i know right? lol.

Daikirai: Yea...I think I do too, but a part of me just want to give it another shot. At least he knows that I'm thinking about it now. Sometimes I do feel that he's a bit childish...

night: That's what I told him. But when I was talking to him he was like "so everything up to now is a lie?" *sigh* He thinks that in a matter of days I decided I didn't want to be with him no more and thinks I waited to be half way around the world to do this. It's just that back at home, I had school and work, so I didn't really have time to sit and think things thoroughly. Everything was a big rush, go here go there do this do that. And everytime I tried to bring up how I felt, he would never let me finish before going into a fit, so yea...it was as "all of a sudden" as he thinks.

RainingCats: Yea...the situation with the car was and still is a big shocker to me. For the most part, he's a very responsible person, so I knew I can trust him to make the payments. It was just that my credit score would've brought down his monthly payment. But I kept asking him if he was sure if he was sure, and of course he wasn't, and in the end we worried about it for like 2 days straight with barely any sleep or food, because it was a terrible deal. The thing with the ferrets upsetted me, but he said he didn't mean it, he was just "in the mood". -0-;;

duykato: lol i love you. Well we started off as good friends, so I would really like to leave off that way if that's what I decide to do. I mean I really don't hate him, and I want to be there to listen to his troubles and support him no matter what happens. I know it sounds very selfish of me, but he's ok with it too, as long as I give him this chance.

[jvang_07]

I say.
Break it off.
If in the end you can't live without him. Then I guess you can go off from there, right?

But sounds to me, you don't want to be with him. The only reason you are still with him is through pity. Because he proposed to you. You feel like you can't break some stupid promise or what not.

I mean, if you haven't left for Japan, then I say, break it off before you go. I mean, it be a great experience. Hot japanese guys! hahahaha, That was for laughs.
But I hope you are somewhat getting what I'm trying to say.

[aznxkaiser]

I'll play the devils advocate.
I say you hold onto him. If you break up with him, then your pretty much throwing away all the memories you guys had and I highly doubt this guy would want to stay as friends with you. You guys are pretty much like a married couple right now anyways. If your thinking about marriage already, then focus on how much money you guys are making and if you guys have stable jobs. Is he making enough?

If he cries because of his "past" with his parents, tell him to man up and move on instead of dwelling on the past. I watched my dad die when I was young, I watched him get shot and I couldnt do anything. I was depressed for like 4-5 years but learned to move on. Crying isnt going to change anything.

[lady_muimui]

jvang_07: You know I always question if it was out of pity. When I was upset one time, and he bugged me to tell him, I mentioned that I wasn't sure if my feelings for him were out of pity, and he snapped. I mean I guess I would too if I were him. But everytime we get into an argument, he ALWAYS mention the fact that he was thrown away from his parents and that everyone turned their backs on him, and I'm the only person he has. -0-;;

aznxkaiser: I don't disagree with you that I'm holding on to the memories. But I can't just break him with him while I'm here in Japan, and he's way on the east coast of the U.S. At this moment, I'm not even working. When I was in the states, I was working part-time retail, so I wasn't making much. He just graduated from college and got his first full-time job. He's making the normal $35,000 straight out of college salary.