[takemeaway]

update: CLICK (sorry this one is going to be even longer.. i didnt mean for it to be so long.. lolz )

im a little torn & confused right now
i even had a dream about it last night and i asked soompi for advice () so when i woke up i was like.. i guess i should ask soompi for advice..!!!

if u dnt want to read the whole thing here is short version:

THE MAIN POINTS

• I've been in love w/ a guy for half a decade, that just recently broke off an engagement w/ his gf.
• He's been showing signs he likes me but I dont know what to make of it (am I just a rebound???)
• I dont know if I should confess or hold off on it.. but if I hold off on it, there is a possibility he'll be moving to Europe permanently and I lose my chance.
• But if I DO tell him it brings me back to bullet point 2 if he responds positively coz I will never be sure if he genuinely cares. which also brings up that if he "thinks" he returns the feeings - wut if he stays and misses his chance in europe?????

----------------
ok
ive been close friends wit this one guy for about 5 yrs now. ive liked him for just as long. (which has grown to love)
we haven't had contact or talked much for a long time cuz he was always busy (finishing up school)
hes finally out & is currently looking for a job.
ive been talking to him & hanging out w/ him a lot - when we lost contact i thought i got over him .. but all the feelings came back as soon as i saw him ><
he's been extra flirty lately. VERY FLIRTY and it just reels me in more
sometimes it makes me think he likes me, plus the concern he has for me.
EXCEPT for as long as i've known him, he's had this gf.
they were aposed to get engaged but just a couple months ago they broke it off while they were in europe (he was in europe for a few months as a grad present)

btw - I should probably add that there is a kind of an age difference. back then when i liekd him, i brushed it off as a small adolescent crush on an older guy but as ive gotten older, i now realize i really have fallen in love with him..

so anyway i feel like hes being extra flirty to me cause hes on the rebound or whatever i want to think he genuinely cares but idk.......
btw hes not those flirty player types or anything. & hes usually very good (i always have a good time w. him in a totally platonic level - most of my guy friends are usually flirty or its awkward b/w us, but w. him its very different ). -but lately soo flirtyy! extra sweet, very caring and concerning.. he gives so much.

oh my god hes such a smarty pants its freaking sexy i learn something new from him everyday : ]

and i dont know what to do????
i want to tell him how i feel becoz the feelings are so STRONG .. argh
but he's just recently gotten out of a relationship (an engagement!!!!) so i know i shouldn't do anything.. plus wut if he doesnt even feel the same way? or maybe he think he does but is really just looking for something to numb his pain (damn that wou ld suck & hurt so much if that were the case )
THE THING IS..
he's looking for a job & he says he wants to be "somewhere else". LIKE EUROPE.
he has applied here but i think he'd take the job offer if he gets hired in europe =(

i know ppl will prob say i shouldnt tell him now cause of his break up & stuff
but i think this will be my only chance ? what if he leaves to europe before i can finally tell him how i feel ? (after 5 long yrs of locking up my feelings)
or what if i tell him & he reciprocates those feelings. would they be genuine?!

i dont know..
im so confused...
& the possible outcomes im thinking of is making my heart squeeze & heart wrench (like what if he IS being true??? would it be selfish of me to keep him here? )

omg such a dilemma

help help hepl..

[chilovesjj]

Having been in the position of being meant to move away, but starting to fall for someone, I'd say...

I needed to know his feelings, because it had a direct impact on my decision to stay here or move to Asia.
Regardless of whether he did or didn't like me, I'd rather know before I went, then be told once I'm out there, and can't do anything about it >.<

I think you need to consider yourself, too. 5 years is a long time to stay silent.
And from the sounds of it, you really want to know, need to know where you stand with him.

So for those reasons I'd tell him.
It's impossible to know where it would go from there without knowing his feelings first.
But if he does like you and is going to be staying, then I would give it some time before rushing into a relationship with him.
To make sure it's not just rebound feelings, that it IS genuine.

Also, you didn't specify, so. How long ago did they break up? And what caused the break up?


As for missing his chance... only he will know what feels right, which path he should follow.
I stayed and ended up getting engaged. I don't regret missing the chance.
I'd have regretted going to Korea, if I'd known what I'd be missing, back here.

You just really need to talk to him, about his feelings, your feelings, and what he wants to do- if anything.
Best of luck, whatever happens xx

[takemeaway]

Having been in the position of being meant to move away, but starting to fall for someone, I'd say...

I needed to know his feelings, because it had a direct impact on my decision to stay here or move to Asia.
Regardless of whether he did or didn't like me, I'd rather know before I went, then be told once I'm out there, and can't do anything about it >.<

I think you need to consider yourself, too. 5 years is a long time to stay silent.
And from the sounds of it, you really want to know, need to know where you stand with him.

So for those reasons I'd tell him.
It's impossible to know where it would go from there without knowing his feelings first.
But if he does like you and is going to be staying, then I would give it some time before rushing into a relationship with him.
To make sure it's not just rebound feelings, that it IS genuine.

Also, you didn't specify, so. How long ago did they break up? And what caused the break up?


As for missing his chance... only he will know what feels right, which path he should follow.
I stayed and ended up getting engaged. I don't regret missing the chance.
I'd have regretted going to Korea, if I'd known what I'd be missing, back here.

You just really need to talk to him, about his feelings, your feelings, and what he wants to do- if anything.
Best of luck, whatever happens xx

thx for sharing your experience , it REALLY helps me see the other side.
ur story sounds like a sweet fairy tale!! (wish mine would end the same way ><)
but i dont even know if he returns my feelings.. >O< so i doubt my confession will make him want to stay.. lolzzzzzzz

they broke up at the end of summer (august) & to be honest i dont really know what caused the breakup.. he was really reluctant to talk about it& i didnt even KNOW until a while later.. he didnt mention it at all when he first came back. i didnt want to push him for info until he wanted to tell me himself.

thanks for the advice.
honestly my heart is aching so much right now >o<'

[LUVSSOURCREAM]

i'd say stay away from him for now because this just happened recently.
and usually for guys, after a hard breakup they feel like they NEED to look for that temporary replacement.
i won't say if it will turn into long term but that's a huge risk for you.
you spent 5years crushing on this guy, i just don't want you to hurt yourself.
chilovesjj has her nice true story going on, but then thats her....
your guy.....is coming from a broken relationship......i would say give him time.......

[hunny]

Yeap, give him more time, unless u just want a temporary partner too.
I broke off with my ex 2 years ago, he got himself a new gf and coming back for me now. I can see that its not anything, but lust and replacement. So I stop everything before he hurt me from any angle. You gotta be smart, and yes 5 years is really long, you’re already suffering for 5 years…

So, it’s your choice to choose if u want to end up getting real hurt OR to continue suffering while looking for a better one too OR pray that he really cares about you, but not just a replacement.

[takemeaway]

i'd say stay away from him for now because this just happened recently.
and usually for guys, after a hard breakup they feel like they NEED to look for that temporary replacement.
i won't say if it will turn into long term but that's a huge risk for you.
you spent 5years crushing on this guy, i just don't want you to hurt yourself.
chilovesjj has her nice true story going on, but then thats her....
your guy.....is coming from a broken relationship......i would say give him time.......

Yeap, give him more time, unless u just want a temporary partner too.
I broke off with my ex 2 years ago, he got himself a new gf and coming back for me now. I can see that its not anything, but lust and replacement. So I stop everything before he hurt me from any angle. You gotta be smart, and yes 5 years is really long, you’re already suffering for 5 years…

So, it’s your choice to choose if u want to end up getting real hurt OR to continue suffering while looking for a better one too OR pray that he really cares about you, but not just a replacement.

ur story scares me. i dont want to be used and dropped

u guys say i should wait.. i know its more logical but how much time should one wait....? im scared that im running out of time..

after 5 yrs holding it in.. i became master of keeping locked in my heart but when the moment he told me he wanted to go to europe i panicked and lately i've been having this overwhelming need to tell him.. i almost blurted to him yesterday. its always on the tip of my tongue.

we went out to eat yesterday (with other friends). he was really caring & paid special attention to me (or maybe im just thinking that cause i'm paying attention to him ). made sure i finished my food, "casually" held my waist, etc
i am so confused.. & lost.. argh......

[LUVSSOURCREAM]

he just got out of a five year relationship engagement......

i know that feeling, like you're running out of time.
and time is cruel, but you can't be too close to him
it will be a LONG while before he is completely over her.
and if he can't get you and just go gets another girl like that
it REALLY means he never even liked you and just wants you as a replacement
if i were you, i would stay STRICTLY friends with him.

[chilovesjj]

I would still talk to him, find out from HIM, how he feels.
Because we can all speculate all we want here. He holds the answers, and I think you knew that already.
He will know, deep down, if he is ready or not, for another relationship [and if not now, he will know when he is]
Also.. just because bad things have happened to some people, doesn't mean you're automatically doomed to the same fate.
Everyone is different, every relationship is different.

It can go either way, but if it's really eating you up that much and you really need to get it out,
then talk to him. And if it doesn't go well... then it might be a good thing that he might end up in Europe ^^;
It'd be easier to get over him if you just never see him anymore ._. It's much harder getting over someone you see everyday.

I liked someone who I knew was moving away before.
Never had the guts to tell them because, like you, he had recently come out of a longterm relationship.
Even though a lot of his friends told me he liked me.

So I just never said anything, and I felt really upset over it and regretted it a lot, not telling.
It's down to you, really, and which you think you'd regret more.

Saying something and it not leading anywhere [or it going badly]
or just never saying, never knowing.

[Darude356]

mannnnn..... thats a super tough one.... hmmmm... hes gonna want to be in a relationship right now no matter what...

if i were you, ide tell him. and if he says he likes you too, tell him you don't want to be a rebound.
Say he needs to be sure that you aren't before he agrees to any sort of relationship.

and if he is indeed interested ide tell him you want to wait a month or two before getting into a relationship just to make sure hes over her.
if he likes you, he'll be willing.

[takemeaway]

EDIT: b/c i was bored & cause wat i wrote was so long.. i decided to rewrite everyting w/ proper grammr & punctuation loL (i am, after all an english major. jus very lazy on the net LOLZ )

(editted post)

Hi guys, well firstly it's been a while and a lot has happened. I just wanted to update the people who took the time to read and reply to my dilemma.

Thanks you guys for the previous advice. I decided to hold my breath and just keep it all in because I didn't want to mess anything up. LUVSSOURCREAM - for some reason your advice stuck out the most to me. I did what you said and tried to strictly stay as friends - actually I kept myself more distant than that. I stopped replying to his texts and kept my hangouts with him at a minimum.

I was doing well up until one night while we were out clubbing (I went because we were with a huge group of friends so I thought I'd be safe. And it wasn't like I wanted to completely cut him out of my life). He got a little buzzed - not completely drunk, just buzzed. I don't drink, but yeah he was acting really stupid. Well, since he lived the nearest to my home and since I was one of the few sober people, I drove him and a couple other friends home. He was the last one in the car (since he lived nearest to me). Instead of walking towards his house, he walked toward the window on my side and asked me to get out of the car.

He pulls me in for a hug and says:

[ This part TOTALLY got me confused and had my head spinning for days ]

Him: Why have you been so mean to me lately?
Me: What do you mean.....?
Him: You act like I don't even exist anymore.
Me: That's not true (I'm still stuck in his embrace)

(LONG silence)

Him: You know.. the truth comes out when people are drunk.
Me: Mmhm. (STILL stuck in his embrace)
Him: _____, I like you.
Me: O_ O O_O o_o "..."

I don't even know how it happened but the next thing I know, his lips are pressed against mine. It was a quick peck on the lips, but it still gave me the tingles from head to toe.

I saw him a couple days later, but I never brought it up. He never did either. Even though he was drunk, I'm pretty sure he wasn't drunk enough to forget the events of that night.

Shortly after, he got an interview in Germany and stayed there for 5 days. As I've said before, I'm usually good about keeping quiet about my feelings, but I have moments where I panick and just want to explode and tell him. While he was in Germany, I started freaking out inside that he'd really take the job there (selfish of me, but I even kinda wished his interview would go badly.. ). I ended up telling him how I felt while I was talking to him online. Completely LAME I know. But I couldn't have possibly told him in person considering that he was many many miles away and it was "in the moment". I'm sure if he was PHYSICALLY with me, I would have had better control because I wouldn't be having that "panicky" feeling of missing my chance.

I didn't tell him everything (like how long I've liked him, or that I love him) but I did tell him that I cared about him a lot and asked him if he what he said that one night was truly genuine. He said it was. I think I annoyed him because I kept going "how do you know? "are you sure?", etc. I also forced him to talk about his girlfriend. I was always cautious when it came to talking about her - I never brought her up since I didn't know how things ended or why. I didn't want to open up the still healing wound. But since this time I HAD to know where I stood with him, and if what he was saying (about how he felt about me) had anything to do with her.. I HAD to know why they broke up and if he was TRULY over her, or if he was just trying to use me as a blanket for his hurt or whatever. He told me they broke up because they had been having some problems for a while, and the only reason why he was holding on was because he didn't want their relationship to fall apart just like that (you know, since they'd been together for so long). He said that he felt like he really did still love her, so he tried his best to keep their relatinoship in tact, but then while they were in Europe he found out that she cheated on him during the 7 months he was studying abroad. I neeeeeeever would have expected that because she's a really cool chick. I had a lot of respect for her, and never had any ill feelings towards her despite the fact that I was in love with her BF. I felt like I was betraying both of them with my feelings for him. But anyways, I told him what you guys said - that I didn't want to be a replacement and asked him if we could wait a while for anything to happen. He said "we'll talk about it when I get back".

Since then, after he came back we never really "talked about it". And even though I told him I still wanted to be frirends before moving forward, we've been doing a lot of BF/ GF things without the official title. We say we're friends, but we hold hands, kiss, etc.

And a totally humongous twist (I swear this is like a K-drama or something ):

He got a reply last week. He got the job. He's leaving at the end of December (which coincidentally was when their marriage was supposed to be). I'm kinda hurt because even after all that, he still decides that he's gonna go. But it's not like I'm going to stop him. He usually makes me feel really special, but then he makes a big decision like this. Makes me question what I really am to him...

Note that it's only been two weeks since I told him how I felt, and since the "more than friends, less than BF/GF" thing started. I feel like.. he's just keeping me hanging. What will we be when he leaves? He hasn't said ANYTHING about us still being together (even though we're not really "together" now) when he moves there. He hasn't hinted at anything about where our now super complicated relationship will end up -.- ...... I fear that he's just going to dump me and leave me herewith my broken heart while he's far far away.

I'm thinking.. maybe he doesn't want to do the long distance thing because of what happened with his Fiance? (Her cheating on him while he was abroad)

Aah..... what now?


.....

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride.


PS. Sorry, I really didn't think my update would turn out to be this long

[Heythere]

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww this is so sweet.

I mean i know you mean a lot to him by what you've said, but a job to me is a very humongous opportunity. even if i was in love/like with someone, i would pick a profession over them. i know that sounds a bit cold but that's just me. i just think sometimes getting your priorities in order for yourself as a person should come first especially when you're young and careers have something to do with it.

idk i'm not making any sense

but i hope you two come to a conclusion that can help both of ya'll.