[han.yung]

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong section, but I usually find depression and such under health, so please move if it's wrong?

I've had clinical depression all my life; it's only become extremely unbearable in the last couple of months. Kinda like the whole world came crashing down. I met this guy who I 'accidentally fell in love' with. And then we were separated, not by our own choices, but because we live so far apart (hundreds of miles). I don't have any friends; yes, I do have those people I can talk to or work with as a partner at school, but no one cares enough. I don't get asked to hang out, go to parties. Everyone who is around me is only using me. It feels like I'm just alone.

The guy I fell in love with, well, he confessed to me that he loved me. Maybe we're so young, but it was real. It's just that gut feeling when you know something. After we got separated, we still talked, but then one day he told me that he was split between staying with me and forgetting me, because the reasonable thing to do was to forget about me since it'll be a long distance relationship, but he felt that something special would come out of it. And after that we didn't talk for a week. Now the communication is so strained.

I feel so bad and guilty so it's hard to have a conversation with him because there are so many things I can't tell him when he asks. I've been suicidal for a few months, actually tried once, but that obviously failed. My whole world is falling to pieces around me and I don't want him to know that. And I feel so guilty trying to keep this relationship alive, because I'm not good enough for him. OK, everyone tells me he's not the greatest looking guy and that I can do way better, but personally I think he's perfect. I don't want to have him stuck with an emotional, depressed, and suicidal gf. But I want him so bad.

It's the confusion that eats me up. I don't know what to do, when to do it, why I should do it. I have insomnia, so I can't sleep at night. I get maybe an hour or two of sleep before I wake up. And when I wake up, it's an immediate onset of extreme depression and an anxiety attack. Always right when I wake up in the morning. Going through school and just not having anyone wake at you and smile and say a bright HI because they're happy to see you...kinda hurts. I feel like I don't exist. I try so hard to be friends with others, but with the cliques in high schools...I just get shut out. I've been friendly enough in this place that I can talk to anyone civilly, but I won't be much more than a friendly acquaintance.

I feel like no one wants me. The guy I love doesn't even bother much anymore; he's so distant and cold. It's so hard for me to let go of him, because I love him. And that's a big thing for me. I have a heart of ice, as others have so generously told me. I don't love anyone, not even my family. I just...can't. I know I'm a terrible person for this, but I can't find it in me. I like them, but that's it. For him...I would die. If you ever fall in love, I was once told, you better be ready to die. And I am.

He's my first bf. Which is generally a big thing, right? I guess it meant much more to me, because I didn't ever expect to have anyone like, or even love me, until maybe after college. And, nearly ever generation in my family, the first bf/gf became the husband or wife. And none of my ancestors have ever divorced. It's hurts more because my parents also fit into that category, but they also had a long distance relationship that thrived for more than 10 years on mailed letters alone.

Life is a mess. Everyone I've tried to talk to about this mocks me. It's a phase, being suicidal is stupid, go do your homework. Very soon, this is going to be my last phase at this rate. I feel suicidal nearly every waking moment. I'm being sent to a doctor in two weeks, but that doesn't give me relief because I don't know if it'll help, and I don't know if I can last two more weeks. It's getting worse and worse everyday. How do I cope for another two weeks? How do I get out of this?
Can someone save me?

Haha, that's too much to ask. THANK YOU if you've actually read this whole thing. And THANK YOU if you respond.

[Raix]

Does your school have a counsellor? Go to them straight away. At least you'll be able to find someone you can talk to. It's what I'm planning to do sometime this week. Though I'm not experiencing what you are, I've been having anxiety attacks, stressing out and I've been losing interest in things I love most. It's really scaring me. I sort of understand how you feel about having people at school, that really aren't there for you. I put up with it for so long and yes, it hurt. I can understand how you feel about telling your bf. It's the same reason I'm too scared to tell anyone everything that's wrong with me.

I'm not going to say it's just a phase. It is sometimes for some people. But other times it's not. To me, it sounds serious enough. I know I'm probably not helping, because I have no idea how. If you feel you can't last long enough, find something you love to do. Anything. Anything that makes you feel good. Even if it doesn't anymore. You can always give it a go.

One more thing. There's always going to be someone that cares. Might be someone on here, even if they've never met you. Or maybe someone you never thuoght would. There has to be someone. Even if you just want someone to listen, I'll do that for you. =)

[lovecubedlee]

=[
i was depressed before too
well not in the same way
but i had similar feelings ish

if you ever need to talk, you can PM me!!

im serious
we can get big group of depressed soompiers and chitchat our way out of feeling like crap.

[onewithoutlove]

im feeling this way right now with friends...
and the guy i like doesnt seem to be interested in me
we have 2 classes together, lunch together, we also share
a locker and we both dont have a 6th period. it really hurts
that when i try to forget him, its impossible because hes
EVERYWHERE...
i also get so quiet now a days and i hate everyone around
me. i sometimes... think about suicidal like you...

For friends, they dont ask me to hang out anymore and i
feel like im drifting from them and it gets me sooo sad...
but there must be somebody out there who cares right?
well if nobody doesnt THEN I CARE VERY MUCH :]
and im here for talks just like lovecubedless.
so yeahs :]

[I.said.hi]

i know how u feel.

I seriously was depressed for a couple of months (previously as well).

You just feel as if there is no purpose in life. I saw that, I thought about suicide (everyone has thought about it once in their life..)


YET UNDERSTAND THIS.. YOU HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE. YOU MAY NOT SEE IT, YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE IT.. BUT EVERYONE HAS A PURPOSE.
OUR LIFE IS MEANT TO HAVE A PURPOSE. WE WEREN'T BORN SO THAT WE'D WANDER AIMLESSLY DOING NOTHING BUT TROUBLE TO THIS WORLD. UNDERSTAND.. SUICIDE = SELFISHNESS.

I understand depression..

yet you have to overcome it yourself. YOU HAVE TO TALK WITH YOUR INNER SELF AND PIN POINT THE PROBLEM AND KNOW HOW TO SOLVE IT. THE ONLY CURE IS YOURSELF, ITS YOUR MIND AND SPIRIT. So "pill" will help.

You have to defeat that depression and Realize how cherishable your life is.

Life is a gift. Its a miracle. Yet people take it for granted.

You can do it. I trust in you.

[jiwoneex3]

i know what you're going through.
mine wasn't about a guy though, it was all the stress that school and personal family problems gave me.
but for me, it was only a phase. but a hard and scary phase.
i cried myself to sleep everynight, thought about suicidal every other day, started smoking, wrote my death notes once in a while(crying while i was doing it).
i didn't want to live anymore. i knew i'd have no future.
what's even worse was that it was something i just kept all to myself. no one probably even had the slightest CLUE about my depression.
my parents (maybe even korean parents in general), probably don't even know what being depressed is about.
so i couldn't go see a therapist or counseler. i was too afraid anyway.
besides, the moment i'd start pouring out everything, i'd probably cry a river and not stop.

but during the whole time,
i've actually kept a journal, and poured all my feelings in there.
and i prayed to god, telling him everything and wishing i was better.
and slowly by slowly, i started brightening up.
and just thought less and less about the negative things happening to me.
sooner or later, i began to even forget all the troubles i'd had.
but then once in a while, i do look back in my journal and read about everything i've been through.
it makes me feel good, knowing i've overcome an obstacle by myself.

and honestly, i don't believe in doctors or anyone else who could help you, except yourself.
it's something only you could fix.
so maybe if you're fine with it, you could begin writing journals daily, just write down how you feel.
i hope i've helped in some way

[dbsk_star]

i have depression now and am suicidal
i always feel so down, and today i really wanted to suicide, i just feel like theres noone there for me anymore
i never seem to have any appetite, and ive been getting anxiety attacks too
part of it does have to do with my ex-bf and then issues with my bestfriend and family problems

i just dont know what to do anymore....

[kinein]

Go running until you can't run anymore then walk til you can't walk anymore, then crawl til you can't crawl anymore ~ If you are really depressed you'll just lie there dirty hungry and broken until someone calls the police.

Life is filled with ups and downs and it is overcoming these pitfalls and learning and growing up that makes it so memorable. Volunteer at a soup kitchen for a while, go camp with some homeless people for a week, go to the cancer treatment wards @ your local hospital ~ Put things into context.

[sillybilly_me]

if there is someone out there knowing what ur going through. id say itd be me.

I have as well been diagnosed with clinical depression
taken SSRI antidepressants and ive cut myself at least 3 dozen times.
I have had insomnia for 1 week straight too
and had an extreme loss in appetite .. and i lost around 5-10 pounds into the 90s
Ive dropped out of university for this too because i couldnt cope, and id cry in class

I think the best thing to do is.. for yourself.. be an independent woman.
I know its hard. but i found support in people you'd say "arent your friends"
i used to think i had none too. but when you let people into your lives i guarantee you'll find people who'll care for you.
And my siblings and parents have been so supportive. Even if you don't think you love them.. Eventhough u may not believe it.. they love you.

You may think there is no hope but time really does help heal.
and it really helps to stop being alone all the time, because that can get you into thinking negative things
and it helps to not listen to emo music

I'm much better... its been a year for me and im doing fine
Im back in school too

Anyways if u need to talk ... pm me too lol

[709394]

woah girl, i kinda jumped readng your post becauase i went through/going through a VERY VERY VERY similar thing that your going through.
every living day hurts right now, but you know what? im still living.
pm me, i think i needa give u some good advice.

[(0.o) Jane (o.0)]

its nice to see that fellow soompiers are supporting you.

like some have said, life has its up and downs.
sometimes the downs last more than the ups, but just dont throw away your life. there is plenty of
people out there that you have yet to meet, that will bring you into your ups in life. as much as you
want to give up and call it quits, dont! push on! i know youll beable to do it! hwaiting!

idk if you'll read my post or not, and there are probably lots of fellow soompiers that are already willing to
talk with you, but im here to support you, to give you hope :]

[fizzl3]

Hey there, I'm not depressed so I really don't know how you feel at all. But I don't think you're stupid! I believe you.

I can't relate but I do have a strong will to live because I don't feel like I have achieved what I've been born to do yet. And I'm 19 years old. Like you might think this is not old at all, but I feel like time is running out fast, as you get older, time goes faster and one day, it will just be over. That's why I don't take my life for granted and want to live every moment I am alive, pain, happiness, anger, sadness, all of that! I want to feel everything to know I am alive. No I don't have a perfect life, in fact, far from it. I can probably list 100 things that is crap about my life. You're not alone.

Yes things might seem crap now, you're in your teens, everything seems A LOT crappier in this period of time. I think everyone can say so. But once you can see the big picture and do things that make you feel better about yourself, you'll feel a lot better. When you learn to accept yourself, respect yourself, love yourself, others will be able to also.

Do you have something you've always wanted to learn? Or is there a place you want to go? Goals like this really keep you going. Never give up!
My goal? I'm very environmentally conscious, I want to save the world! Yes this sounds stupid but that's exactly what I want to do, I'm studying to be a photovoltaic engineer so I can do something about what I care about.

What I wrote was probably useless, but I do care about your health and safety.

I agree writing a journal would be great, please feel better =]

[gohashmeer]

omg
that made me want to cry :'(

now i feel like a greedy person complaining about the unimportant things in lifee....
everyone hit some low points in throughout life, but you just gotta keep on movin! good things will eventually come to you and you will be so glad you waited

im sorry if I was not any big help..... but I just hope you can be happy soon! if you need a cheering up, definitely feel free to PM me k?
don't worry, us SOOMPIERS all love you!!!!

[Meenuh]

honestly, i think this is something that a lot of people go through regardless of "clinic depression" or not. it's all a part of growing up. learn to stand out from others who have failed to become strong and independent. don't depend on others for your happiness but at the same time, don't shut people out of your life. make an effort if you expect effort from other people.

talk to someone. it always feel better to have things put in a different perspective. you sound exactly like me when i was in highschool but now i am alive and stronger than ever. i also have a wonderful bf despite not really having any friends but i've learned to slowly open up. i also learned that maybe these people i say aren't my friends ... i was probably the one shutting them out and not making an effort. i was expecting too much from people without giving my own efforts and becoming depressed when people didn't befriend me right away when i tried talking to them.

i never got invited to do things all throughout highschool. it's true. no one asked me to go hang out and i was never invited to parties or anything. i felt completely out of place. survive highschool. i think after highschool is when you're gonna bloom.

[Jamila]

you sound like me...though I've never tried suicide, I've thought about it..
I've been depressed pretty much all of my life also..(I'm not sure if it was sparked by my father's death when I was younger, or if I was distant even before that) I didn't even have good friends as a child..my days consisted of playing by myself or reading books in my bedroom..
I want to enjoy life..but idk how..
I came to a point where I was feeling good about myself and life...I talked to guys, bought myself clothes, thought more about the way I looked..I had higher self esteem...I guess I filled those empty spaces with something else (I don't have many friends either...only 1 best friend that I know I can always depend on)
the last few months though have been a downward spiral..I don't feel like I have a purpose in life..and I just want to give up on everything...I went from striving for A's in college to not caring if I get B's and never studying.
Hopefully I'll get myself back on track..Best of luck..to both of us..

[CandieBoo]

hey there... don't be feeling like that. you're still young. i know that these words sound so superficial, but i know exactly what you're going through. i've had the same feelings years ago and attempted suicide more than 5 times... yes... a lot. it's a miracle that i'm alive. truth is, life is what you make of it. i can honestly tell you that i've been through a whole lot. even had a bf for 5 years that got on drugs and beat the crap out of me. but be strong! you'll make it through

from your post, i can tell that you're quite intelligent. don't let that go to waste. if you get through this, things will change for the better. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? as cliche as it is, it's true. i know it's hard and painful and that you feel so alone... but strength comes from within you. don't let things weigh you down because life isn't about that. the more negative you feel, the more distant everybody around you will become.

lighten up a little. keep yourself occupied with some fun activities. join a club, take a walk, go to the gym, play video games, do your nails, take some fun classes, ANYTHING! you'll feel a little better while you're occupied. it'll also give you a chance to meet some new people.

last word, f*** those people who don't care for you. you're either too cute, too smart, too nice, too whatever for them. i found that out while i was in high school! i was too cute and too smart! haha cheer up! believe in yourself.

[Mihi]

Smack yourself in the head and stop it. Think clealy. Get a new start, new image, switch schools. Forget about all the bad things, it's not worth it. And if you feel suicidal again, eat lots of good food and do things you love.. It'll make you wanna love longer. (: That's right, smack yourself.

[onmait]

Wow, it seems like you are not alone since a lot of people above are similar to you. I used to feel like you too. All my school years, I never really had any good "true" friends, not even one, even now as well. And like you said, people hang around you because they "need" something from you. I've had many of those people around me too, all the time. They don't want you around because they want you to, but they "need" you to be around. I sometimes, felt like I was being used. However, when I think about it, I was also using them. They needed something from me while I needed a friend and we both got what we needed. If you keep thinking that you are being used, yes, everyone in this entire world is being used one way or another. So, stop thinking that way.

You should try to open your heart to people around you, especially your family. Friends will not last long but your family will last a lifetime. Also, I've always considered my mom my best friend although, I don't tell her everything about me, she's my best friend for life. Why? She'll always be there for me. You should become best friend with your mom too. You may not see it but she is lonely too. Does your mom have a best friend aside from your dad? Does she have sisters that she can rely on? Whether it's yes or no, you should love your mom, just trust me.

About guys, I've had that kind of relationships before. I've lost someone dear to me, due to long distant relationships as well. I know he will always have a place in my heart for the rest of my life. But, since things didn't work out and he moved on, I of course, moved on as well. If you don't move on, you won't see how your future will be. Stop thinking about negative thoughts. Always think on the bright side like, "maybe he's not meant for me. Someone 100x better than him is waiting for me in the future.." I was friendless throughout High School but I was happy.

For loners like us, I feel that we are the stronger ones. We can walk around a place that we don't know and still be okay. While those with friends, they always "need" a friend to go with them, no matter what. So, get your acts together and just concentrate on your studies. You still have a lot to learn. Remember one thing, GO TO COLLEGE. You'll be glad that you didn't have a boyfriend. Okay, I think I should stop now. One last thing, the world isn't perfect so don't expect it from yourself. Do what you like, speak out how you feel and respect others and you will get it in return. If you don't express your feelings and open your heart, your world will always be gray. Express yourself and if people accept you for who you are, those people will last longer with you than you thought. Good luck and take care.

- Dang, I wrote almost as much as you - LOL

[popolala]

I still dont know whats your main problem..

There are people in this world who have a worst live than u! they are homeless living in a 3rd world country! if anyone wants to die.. i think they probably the one who suffer the most & should b the one moaning!

Also the blinds and the disabled.. they still living u know and learning new things!!

Ur life seems pretty fine .. except the fact u mention about friends.. so u want to die bcoz u hav no friends? .. wow.. isit worth it? ..im sure u can find a friend!

I have some friends who are loners too.. their daily routine is just working, buying food for family and stay at home watch tv, go on the internet.. dont see them wanting to suicide..

I think your problem is that u dont love urself..

If ur boyfriend loves u.. then it means ur a lovable person! and im sure ur meet people who will like u, bcoz if ur bf likes u.. then their must b something likeable about u! .. dont give up!

Why dont u find some activities to do.. at least have at least 1000 things to do before u die list..

I think the long distances relationship between ur parents is sweet! the letter.. its like sending a love letter!
is this why u want to suicide.. bcoz of long distance relationship? .. wow.. why dont u just move up there with him! If anything he should make u happy!

If u love him.. then u shouldnt die.. bcoz if u die.. ur bf will b heart broken .. is that love??.. no.. i dont think so!!

[littlejade]

I had depression before.. life was upside down for me..
i was bullied at school and my family were mean to me!
... long story but anyways.. thinking back at it.. it was sad.. i cry everyday! .. anyways what made me feel happier was to love myself.. my motto of life (also in the bible) 'treat others the way u like to b treated'

So i always wanted people to care for me and feel sympathy for my sadness... so i was determined.. i put my heart into carring for others! bcoz its how i like to b treated! .. 'caring' <- was the main word that changed my life!!

caring means alot and it can also do alot! <- thats for u to discover urself!

the main solution is that u need to love urself!! B nice to urself! coz ur hurting ur self .. which i dont know why u r!

at least u have a boyfriend.. someone who loves u! this should b the main reason for u to live!