[darker than black]

I dont know whats the point of posting random topics, when nothing ever changes no matter how hard i try to change my attitude, or my personailty. I know I'm really too sensitive (for a guy >:() and yeah, I hate it. I'm always the one being pushed over, when some one does something that thats well unpleasant, I don't do anything. I hold everything back, all that emotion. I can't seem to let it out, I want to, just scream, that's probably why I listent o death metal, lol. I haven't seen my psychologist in like a month cuz of midterm stress, and I really feel like crap, specailly after I just came back from calgary. At first, I told myself that I'll never go back cuz I hated that city so much, but I didn't want to leave my parents there to spedn thanksgiving all by themselves. So i went back, and now I having some major mood swings, I feel sad for half a day and then my mood changes, and this most seriously is affecting how I interact w/ ppl in my class. yeah, my psychologist was kinda really helpful, I understood why I feel the way i do about others more clearly than before. and it kinda helped me through some situtations, but there are still somethings I can't get rid of, bad memories that I wish could be erased forever so I could get on w/ my life. I thought of keeping a journal everyday would help..but it didn't. I don't want to be labeled as a F*ing crazy psyco (spelling error?), cuZ I got all these issues that I'm really trying to work out. And seriosuly, its easier said than done. I did make progress, but now I'm back to sqaure one, having all these negative emotions. Running aways from all my problems and trying to convince myself nothing bad ever happened is not a good idea, cuz its just going to make my fear of these issues stronger, and it already have for the last 3 years. But I don't know what else to do besides avoiding any thought of it and avoiding anything related to it, cuz when I try to accpet the past and try to move on, I really get more dpressed than I'm already right now. When I was in high school, I made a plan, that I'm going to make univerisity the best 4 years of my life, cuz I don't want to have another four years thinking about suicide, or attempting it again or being dpressed like this throughout my undergradaute years. When Uni just started I felt acutally really good, I kept on telling myself, this is a beginging I'm going to start over, and really try to give an effort. That went ok, until I came back from that thanksgiving visit, now I feel like I'm going down that road again. You know, I kinda get this feeling that i dont belong anywhere, I don't really have a place to call home, all my life I've never stayed in the same place, i move around so much, I changed elementary, junior high, high school, a different country, now a different city. It feels like I'm jumping around all over the place, never belonging to a group or to anyone, that I'm always alone in this G*D D**N world. I just wish that some one would give me some guidance, help me out, cuz I've down this road for too long all by myself, and I'm sick of it. I don't know when that day will come..when I really really can't take it anymore, and just end everything once and for all...on the other hand I'm not the type of guy that would ever do anything to hurt anyone..maybe just to myself..yeah..all alone, forever (I certainly hope not, if there were just somebody, anybody, that would really understand me, that would be enough to make life at least worth it.

I got class to go to ..

[Seraphyx]

Solid~~ I am now officially depressed since my eyes started bleeding. Maybe you should make your story well..... better. The grammar was atrocious and the way all the words were just clumped up and made reading this no easy feat. Maybe you should just stop griping about the problem to soompi; seeing as you have already done this multiple times to no avail. Why don't YOU take the initiative to get back into therapy.... and you have bipolar disorder... congratulations.

[tomatomato]

umm i think there's a ranting thread somewhere around here.....

[bebeETOILE]

I think everyone feels that way sometimes, you know? The feeling where.. you get so sick and tired of life and you don't feel like its worth living through anymore. But you know look at everything in a more positive light and instead of thinking of all the things that could go wrong and worrying about fitting in with other people, just relax and appreciate the little things in life and do things you DO enjoy to forget about it. Whenever I'm upset, I watch a really funny cute drama or read a book or going on a crazy shopping spree with my friends and it helps me to just get out my world for a minute and take a break.
And it's not a good thing to hold things back. If you're feeling mad about something or sad, let it out. Don't keep it inside you. Because like you said, it builds up and one day.. you'll feel really pressured and fed up... like now .
Life is worth living for, don't give up hope and persevere. At least if you've tried your best, you will have no regrets.

[hunterheart]

^LOL at my twin bebeETOILE
I've dealt with depression and anxiety. It still occurs sometimes. It's never something the truly "disappears" you know? It's always something you have to deal with. Surpressing your feelings isn't going to help, neither is ranting. You have to remember that the only person who labels you, is you. If you don't care than no one else WILL! I know how you feel though. If only there's that ONE person who understands. But what can you expect if you havent tried to tell them? You can't just wait for everyone to approach you because how would people know? I think you should talk to someone about this. It can get serious. AJAAJA FIGHTING!

[angelicXD]

I know everyone has that depressing mode going on in their life at least once or twice. Anyway, what I want to tell you is don't dwell on your past. Just keep going on with your life. Yes you have that past memory that you don't want but there are so many things you can do.

Here let me tell you an anecdote my professor just told us in class. The Golden Bridge is known to be as the Jumping Bridge for Suicidal people. There are about 40 people that has survived from jumping on the bridge. Those people has been interviewed about how they feel about suicidal. They all, I mean all said when they jumped, the first things that came to their mind was "oh SHIETZ". They really said that because right at the moment when they jumped, when it's too late, they realized life is much more than they thought. They realized what they can do. They can even list all the things in that one minute before they reach the water. They never want to go back to that moment again.

So, I say don't do anything irrational. If you are able to think about your future, I think you can go on. Interact with your family, friends, don't disconnect from them. Talk to someone who're you closed to and like.

[Meenuh]

wow... that's one giant wall of text. haha.

everything gets better with time. i know, you're sick of hearing it just like every other person that gets depressed but it's the truth. pick yourself up and go out and so something that will make your life worthwhile. life is short although at times it may seem a lifetime. i'm sure that when you're older you'll see just how short life is.

[tofuni]

First, stop abusing commas please. You used them so incorrectly that I couldn't get through half the post. ):
Anyway, I think it's time to see that psychiatrist again because you have some real issues. Do you have a friend that you can tell everything to? Sounds like you need to vent and have someone REAL listen to you and give you some feedback. Soompi won't do you much good in solving your problems. :/

[Rykerz]

Lets just lay off the essay writting bashing for now I am sure they are enough replies on that already. At least its a lot better then others who don't even bother spelling or using proper words.

But anyway back on topic, firstly it is great that you are already seeking help from professional but it is also good to talk about how you feel to some other friends or familly. I am not saying you have to ask advice from them but its a way of just letting go and sharing how you feel I am sure even after writting this topic you feel a slight relief. It also helps as a revision on yourself, by sharing your past and feeling you are able to see it again in a much clearer way then thinking about it alone in your head, which sometimes have much more negative affect and causes you to dig deeper into a negative cycle.

Furthermore, there is no reason why you would have to erase your past no matter how bad it is. But instead accept what has happened and see it as experience that would help you improve into the person you want to be. I know its much easier said then done, its much easier to try and forget then to face it, no matter how hard you forget it will still come back and bite you in the ass, but if you are able to face it then its a problem solved and wont bother you again, and if anything happens again you already know how to face it the right away and learn to deal with it. This is also related to sucide, and I hope you can take stop yourself from giving up and taking the easy way out.

Uni is great, the start of uni is a great chance to make changes in yourself and your life, and lots of people are like that, every year you see year 1s making new goals, the anti social wants to make friends, the quiet ones want to start convo with others, the lazy ones want to focus on their grades. Even when I first started uni there is so much I wanted to do and it changes my life by miles.

Go and meet people in uni, there are heaps of them and the majority of them are very nice people too and tends to be a lot of mature and right minded people since high school > uni filters out lots of trash. Dont be afraid that people wont like you or you wont fit in, there are so many types of people that there will always be groups that you can fit into.

I am not sure if uni has strated for you or not but if it hasn't try go to orientation and say hi to a few people you meet there, it will make it easier on your first day. Also on the first day of uni I like to go maybe 20-30 mins earlier just to say hi and chat to people who are already there, just simple convos so you get to know peopls name and basic stuff, but it allows you to have a start and just say hi when you see them around the campus and you can hang around with them during breaks and such.

I guess what I want to really highlight is that no one is ever alone and everyone have a place or group they belong to, dont rule out the chances right at the start and experiement a little.

If you really want to change yourself its easier to start with changing kind of people around you first, then look into yourself, so try not to start the other way around. All those talks about oh I will change myself so people will like me then it would be better doesnt work as much. No one is going to dislike you unless you go to uni running around being a jerk. Just be yourself and no one is going to hate you for no reason.

OK maybe i am writting too much for now and it kinda repeats it self over and over, i am not saying you have to do its just something for you to think about. Good luck with everything!

[Jennibeans]

i think you should stop feeling sorry for yourself .... and get professional help... and an english tutor .

[chupachups]

Have more confidence in yourself! ^^. Everyone has these times.
Live for the moment.
I truly wish for nothing but the best for you.
JIA YOU!

[rawr_sheila]

I think everyone feels that way sometimes, you know? The feeling where.. you get so sick and tired of life and you don't feel like its worth living through anymore. But you know look at everything in a more positive light and instead of thinking of all the things that could go wrong and worrying about fitting in with other people, just relax and appreciate the little things in life and do things you DO enjoy to forget about it. Whenever I'm upset, I watch a really funny cute drama or read a book or going on a crazy shopping spree with my friends and it helps me to just get out my world for a minute and take a break.
And it's not a good thing to hold things back. If you're feeling mad about something or sad, let it out. Don't keep it inside you. Because like you said, it builds up and one day.. you'll feel really pressured and fed up... like now .
Life is worth living for, don't give up hope and persevere. At least if you've tried your best, you will have no regrets.

me too^^


its not good to hold things back.
did you make new friends?
do you have someone to turn to when you are having bad days?

get involved in clubs and activities.
make friends
you have soompi


when i have bad days, i watch my youtube videos and funny asian dramas.
i like to listen to music and just jump around. it relieves my stress.

[fallen*angel*]

OMG, i feel sad for you...........reading what you wrote.
you sounded really depressed.

i know i am not a psychologist but i hope you can somehow feel better ...

1. you need to write down every feeling out.

2. look deep inside to see what is the underlying cause of ur depression.
is it relationship based/caused? friends in general? school? family? or physically like chemcial imbalance in ur brain.
may be ...ask the psychologist to do more test/valuation...
& find out what is it that cause you to feel so depressed.

3. you can't be cured if you don't really know what is the main reason.

4.try to do more social activities with family/friends/churchs...ect.charity work.
nothing feel better than the feeling of helping others. by doing charity work, u'll appreciate what your life have.
never committ suicide, your life is very precious. you can do/offer so much to the world.

best wishes & please know the world needs YOU.

[joie.de.vivre]

when i have my bouts of depression [used to be once every 1.5-2 months],
i find it really helps to write down what's/who's bothering me, all my angry/sad feelings and rants down on paper.
so try keeping that journal again?

or perhaps go back to your psychologist?

what are your interests? what do you love doing? what makes you really happy? (sometimes this kind of distraction is good/helpful, in my experience)
then join university activities/clubs/groups with your interests
try something new/different you've never done before/try initiating convos with people you've never spoken to before


i hope you feel/stay better!
and, don't ever think you're alone in this world, please.

best of luck !!!

[sodaniechea]

Life's a journey that has obstacles. When you think your life is bad, think how there are people out there having it far more worse than you are.

Anyways you sound like how I was a few years back, what made me happy, wasn't making friends, it was rediscovering my passions, hobbies and such :] it kept me calm.