[Liketotally]

Isn't forgiveness and reconciliation two separate things? I mean, can I forgive my dad, but not be reconciled with him at the same time? When I was young, he basically kicked me out in the streets to live like a wino because he could not support me and his drug habits at the same time. So I grew up a little bit, and found out that he had found religion and stopped using drugs and the regular cliche....so he wanted to begin a new relationship with me, and then we went throught the regular loop hole where he would get into drugs again, and then find religion again, and over and over..... so eventually i kicked myself out because the relationship was too painful. Last week I got a call from him saying that he's clean for sure now, but the trust is just not there anymore. He thinks because I don't want to have a relationship with him that it means i didn't forgive him. sighs i just dont know what to say....

[talula]

Isn't forgiveness and reconciliation two separate things? I mean, can I forgive my dad, but not be reconciled with him at the same time? When I was young, he basically kicked me out in the streets to live like a wino because he could not support me and his drug habits at the same time. So I grew up a little bit, and found out that he had found religion and stopped using drugs and the regular cliche....so he wanted to begin a new relationship with me, and then we went throught the regular loop hole where he would get into drugs again, and then find religion again, and over and over..... so eventually i kicked myself out because the relationship was too painful. Last week I got a call from him saying that he's clean for sure now, but the trust is just not there anymore. He thinks because I don't want to have a relationship with him that it means i didn't forgive him. sighs i just dont know what to say....

what ive learned and have been taught my whole 20 years is that once uve forgiven someone, it means u should forget what theyve done in the past and start new.

i understand wat you mean when u have forgiven ur dad but u just dont trust him no more. have you talked to him about how much it hurts you when he goes back to his drug problems? maybe you can be accounatble to him, or maybe he needs one of those classes...for like drug abuse problems.

[nisee]

Isn't forgiveness and reconciliation two separate things? I mean, can I forgive my dad, but not be reconciled with him at the same time? When I was young, he basically kicked me out in the streets to live like a wino because he could not support me and his drug habits at the same time. So I grew up a little bit, and found out that he had found religion and stopped using drugs and the regular cliche....so he wanted to begin a new relationship with me, and then we went throught the regular loop hole where he would get into drugs again, and then find religion again, and over and over..... so eventually i kicked myself out because the relationship was too painful. Last week I got a call from him saying that he's clean for sure now, but the trust is just not there anymore. He thinks because I don't want to have a relationship with him that it means i didn't forgive him. sighs i just dont know what to say....

my brother does the same thing. the whole family basically ignores him now since the last stunt he pulled, so every christmas/thanksgiving/CNY/etc. event, he's out of the picture. it's like no matter how many times you forgive and forget, they'll do it again and it just strains your heart to have to go through the hurt again ... you just feel betrayed

just go with the flow, i guess.

[Aziraphale]

my brother does the same thing. the whole family basically ignores him now since the last stunt he pulled, so every christmas/thanksgiving/CNY/etc. event, he's out of the picture. it's like no matter how many times you forgive and forget, they'll do it again and it just strains your heart to have to go through the hurt again ... you just feel betrayed

just go with the flow, i guess.

I hear ya. When you've been hurt and disappointed one too many times, it really saps whatever goodwill you had towards that person, even if he/she happens to be family. Same thing with mine. I've gone "zen" on them.

[Aussie Honkie]

Hey all,

Basically the situation is this, I've been friends with this couple for 2 years (met them at the same time), i was real close with the guy ... maybe even best friends, and close friends with the girl. The guy, i always thought was a great person, and until recently he did a 180, he cheated on the girl (beignning of the year) and basically has let go of our friendship and joined a different group of friends. My friendship with the guy has been going downhill for the past month or so (thru no fault of mine, he has been the one that has changed, not me). I've also been spending alot of time with the girl, since she is the one that was cheated on, just as friends.

Now, the messed up part is I think that the girl is falling for me, she has hinted it once to me. I've always told myself that i could never be with a friends ex. But now that i am actually faced with the situation, i really dont know what to do ... Ideally i would like to just remain close friends, but i would be lying if i said that im not feeling anything at all myself. What do yall think ??? Thx.]

Posted this in the L&R forum, but im 22, post it here for a more mature answer.

my brother does the same thing. the whole family basically ignores him now since the last stunt he pulled, so every christmas/thanksgiving/CNY/etc. event, he's out of the picture. it's like no matter how many times you forgive and forget, they'll do it again and it just strains your heart to have to go through the hurt again ... you just feel betrayed

just go with the flow, i guess.

But bottonline is ... he is your father no matter what. Family is family.

[Majah Flavah]

Hey all,

Basically the situation is this, I've been friends with this couple for 2 years (met them at the same time), i was real close with the guy ... maybe even best friends, and close friends with the girl. The guy, i always thought was a great person, and until recently he did a 180, he cheated on the girl (beignning of the year) and basically has let go of our friendship and joined a different group of friends. My friendship with the guy has been going downhill for the past month or so (thru no fault of mine, he has been the one that has changed, not me). I've also been spending alot of time with the girl, since she is the one that was cheated on, just as friends.

Now, the messed up part is I think that the girl is falling for me, she has hinted it once to me. I've always told myself that i could never be with a friends ex. But now that i am actually faced with the situation, i really dont know what to do ... Ideally i would like to just remain close friends, but i would be lying if i said that im not feeling anything at all myself. What do yall think ??? Thx.]

Posted this in the L&R forum, but im 22, post it here for a more mature answer.

your course of action should be directly correlated to the potential you see in having a relationship with this particular girl versus the possibility there might be that you may never be able to salvage your current friendship with the male friend of yours. if you believe that the guy has changed to the point where you cannot sustain a close friendship with him, then the "do not date your friend's ex" rule is no longer applicable to the situation, since it is based on the fact that you treasure the friendship with him more than a relationship with any girl he has dated. when the point comes where you see yourself sharing more of yourself with the girl than you are sharing with the guy in terms of trust, confidence and experiences - then that is the time where you should feel it being nothing less than legitimate to date her without guilt.

i know how awkward and hard it is to leave strong friendships behind, but sometimes it is a painful yet necessary part of life. once you have done that however, you are free to build for yourself new memories with anyone he has associated with in the past, since you're no longer bound by moral obligations to not do so.

[theonecalledy2ckt]

i just came back here to thank everyone for giving me their input on my situation before. i saw that kim twice last week, and even though i only spent a little time with her, i think i am falling for her.

the only thing is, i really can't tell if she likes me. like, her friend who introduced us seems to know, but i'm not sure if she knows it. she came by twice this week, once to give me a burned copy of kingdom hearts 2 she picked up on vacation because i asked, and again 2 days ago because i wanted to repay her, so i bought her the game we love katamari. we also played some ddr together before she left. i just don't know if she likes me. that's the one thing stopping me from asking her out.

can anyone provide some input?

[res0nate]

I think she's leaving herself open to get asked out by you rather than going all anti-social when things were getting "close."

Not to say that they're all like that, its just one of those things where you know how they are and realize whether you have a golden opportunity right there waiting, or you know she's gonna shy away and essentially kill off your casual friendship and whatnot.

Maybe you need a liiiitle time away from the game scene and spend some more elsewhere w/her. Shopping, coffee, anything. Even if you talk about games, anime, wtvr, atleast you two are doing other things instead of jumping on 4 arrows and rolling a big ball.

[theonecalledy2ckt]

I think she's leaving herself open to get asked out by you rather than going all anti-social when things were getting "close."

Not to say that they're all like that, its just one of those things where you know how they are and realize whether you have a golden opportunity right there waiting, or you know she's gonna shy away and essentially kill off your casual friendship and whatnot.

Maybe you need a liiiitle time away from the game scene and spend some more elsewhere w/her. Shopping, coffee, anything. Even if you talk about games, anime, wtvr, atleast you two are doing other things instead of jumping on 4 arrows and rolling a big ball.

yeah... thanks jay. i'll try to see if she wants to hang out later this week. but most likely it won't be just me and kim, cuz i'd feel bad if i didn't bring my friend amanda, who introduced us and who kim comes to see. so it's really hard for me to not only see her, but to just spend time alone with her. but you know what, i enjoy any moment i get to see her. i think i really do like her a lot, more than words can even explain.

[JF21©]

ok, my bf and i have been together for a while now and everything is great. the only complaints i have are that he keeps comparing himself to black guys( im black hes korean) and he's always apologizing for things that arent his fault. oh yeah and he gets EXTREMELY jealous over dumb stuff...eh

these are prolly really dumb questions but i've never really been in a serious relationship so im asking the guys: how can i assure him that he's just fine in...uh, that area and he doesnt need to apologize for that... and that im happy... without making him think im patronizing him. and how do i let him know that there is absolutely no reason for him to get jealous....

[sugarcakes]

a friend of mine is.. well. for the sake of argument. let's just say she's too much of a romantic. basically she dates every guy she meets, then when she isn't meeting someone new. she'd " dig " in our friends circle and find a guy friends to date.

she's like a sister to me. i feel her dating pattern / habit isn't healthy at all. i don't want to say she's setting herself up to get hurt, but it seems like she is. there had been numerous occasions where i ask her how her current relationship is going, she would reply by : " oh i know this would never go anywhere. but i just can't help it " ....

another thing that worries me is that she pratically expresses interests for every guy she knows. she doesn't care wether they have a s.o or not. i've heard the phrase " i think we'd be great together if he leaves his gf for me " several times.

in addition to all that. she's very touchy-feely with all of our guy friends, and she often leads people on w/o in consideration of their feelings.

ie. one of our friend had expressed interest in her. she turned him down. yet every time we hang out. she would clich to his arm, hug him and have sleep overs at his place all the time. (this goes when she's dating someone too)

who she choose to date is absolutely her business, she's my friend and i've always been supportive. but having her crashing my place at 1 a.m bawling for hours because she had just " broken up " with a bf gets really tiring after 7 times in a year (i ain't kidding)

i know her problem is she NEEDS to have a boyfriend / be in a relationship all the time. that's ok. but i wish she'd be a little more selective, for her own sake of course. i don't want to see her go through 10 guys a year and end up getting hurt all the time.

so my question is : how do i talk to her about this w/o her feel like i think of her as some sort of a "whore " ?

[incyphe]

^ Do you see any patterns in her breakups? (i.e. is she the one getting dumped all the time? Or the opposite? What are the reasons for the breakups? Do you have any guesses as to why she's a habitual-dater?

[EYJAYJAY]

ok, my bf and i have been together for a while now and everything is great. the only complaints i have are that he keeps comparing himself to black guys( im black hes korean) and he's always apologizing for things that arent his fault. oh yeah and he gets EXTREMELY jealous over dumb stuff...eh

these are prolly really dumb questions but i've never really been in a serious relationship so im asking the guys: how can i assure him that he's just fine in...uh, that area and he doesnt need to apologize for that... and that im happy... without making him think im patronizing him. and how do i let him know that there is absolutely no reason for him to get jealous....

has that been happening since the beginning? from wat i can tell.. he's very self conscious.. that or he's afraid of u leaving him (which i believe also explains the jealousy part). have u talked to him about it yet? what did u tell him and what was his respones?

[Aussie Honkie]

your course of action should be directly correlated to the potential you see in having a relationship with this particular girl versus the possibility there might be that you may never be able to salvage your current friendship with the male friend of yours. if you believe that the guy has changed to the point where you cannot sustain a close friendship with him, then the "do not date your friend's ex" rule is no longer applicable to the situation, since it is based on the fact that you treasure the friendship with him more than a relationship with any girl he has dated. when the point comes where you see yourself sharing more of yourself with the girl than you are sharing with the guy in terms of trust, confidence and experiences - then that is the time where you should feel it being nothing less than legitimate to date her without guilt.

i know how awkward and hard it is to leave strong friendships behind, but sometimes it is a painful yet necessary part of life. once you have done that however, you are free to build for yourself new memories with anyone he has associated with in the past, since you're no longer bound by moral obligations to not do so.

Thanks Majah, but its a bit more complicated than that. You see, the guy was like one of my best friends for 2-3 years, and we hung out in the same group. I dunno, but i guess after the breakup the group of friends we had has split into two, and im on the other side to him ... so we have drifted apart ... but during our friendship he was someone i realli admired and was a great friend ... i mean we are still friends, but its just the whole ditching us for other friends part that gets on my nerves. well, whether he cheated on the girl is debateable, its not clear cut, some say it is, some disagree.

Anyway, atm i dont intend to do anything with this girl, the guilt i would feel inside would be too much for me at this stage, i just dont like going against my morals, even if i may not be, it still feels like it. Ill prob just look for a gf now haha, just to take both our minds of the possiblity ... cos she knows that nothing can happen between us so soon anyway.

[sugarcakes]

^ Do you see any patterns in her breakups? (i.e. is she the one getting dumped all the time? Or the opposite? What are the reasons for the breakups? Do you have any guesses as to why she's a habitual-dater?

yes. the pattern is. she got with someone too quickly. then after few weeks of heat. the guy would break up with her because he think it's not working out. which translates into " i'm tired of you ". she's a habitual dater because she NEEDS a man in her life. she can not live without a relationship. we've been friends for a long long time. never have i seen her w/o a boyfriend for more than a month.

[k1D3Ck]

^^^ I had a girl friend that couldnt go a couple weeks without having the comfort of a guy. Not sexually but just feeling like someone is there for her.

Me and several of her friends told her what we thought was happening, she denied it. The problem went on, until she finanlly met this one dude, she is still with him. Her longest relationship.


So maybe this might go on till she finds someone thats her fit.

Till then, stay strong Jin and be a good friend.......



I want to crash at your house too

[jesseo]

it's been a long year or so.
hi to people who remember me. i like you.

[theonecalledy2ckt]

it's been a long year or so.
hi to people who remember me. i like you.

omg it's big bro jesse! where have you been hiding yourself, man? we miss you

[JF21©]

has that been happening since the beginning? from wat i can tell.. he's very self conscious.. that or he's afraid of u leaving him (which i believe also explains the jealousy part). have u talked to him about it yet? what did u tell him and what was his respones?

probably, but i just recently noticed the jealousy...actually a friend of mine pointed it out to me.

i tried talking to him about it but i always get frustrated when he looks at me like i'm the one being crazy...and even tho i hate to admit it....deep down in my subconcious mind; as a girl, i kinda like when he gives the excuse ''your mine''....eww

[misspiggy]

Hello! Since this is for 20+ i thought ppl here would give me better perspective on what going on. Ok, so here the thing: To make the long story short, I had a guy friend and he gave me lots of mixed signals and at the end of Feb i asked him (on the phone) what he exactly thought of us and he said that i'm his close friend but that it would be a lie if he told me he didn't have any feelings for me. He went on saying that he was busy, wanted to do so much with his life, blah blah blah...so i naturally took that as not wanting a relationship than he asked me how i felt about him and I said "friends" and he said that he knew that and we laughed it off. But the weird thing is that when we 1st became close (back in oct) i told him that i was going to study abroad in korea than he said he'll go, i changed my mind to Paris in spring 07 and he's serious about it. We once talked after the confrontation and he said he was still serious about going. Of course, we lost contact. So what do you think is going through his head? For sure, this guy would never go if i didn't and its a big committment to leave. The program is about a year away and my pals are saying that based on his past actions, he wants to go to start over with me. BTW, he once thought about a future with me. Honestly, what do you guys think? Esp, from a guy's perspective?