[melkimx]

^^
say it out loud.
JF21©

i'm saying it out loud... akrites. taking her akrites.

tc i think you should just decide definitively what you want and push for that. you guys are throwing all these things back and forth and it just sounds really confusing and like neither of you even know what you want. do you even want a commitment? if so, why, because if the answer is that you just don't want her flirting with other guys, that's just dumb. or do you want to continue a more than friends less than bf/gf thing? or do you want to retract your statement of commitment? maybe i didn't read it really closely but i didn't get where you even said what you're trying to get out of it. if you have a firm goal, you can work on how to get to that point.

[hangook/korea]

summer flings, weekend flings, one night stands, seeing each other, talking to each other, and omg a real relationship?

Excuse me if I sound naive but I feel that the dating scene at this age is more confusing than ever.

I just wanted everyone's opinions and experiences on dating at this age.

I feel like that everyone's adopted a short term mentality: you go out, have some fun and move on. So if you just want some fun with no strings attached, it's a great time to date. If you want something more substantial, well get ready for an adventure.

[JF21©]

i'm saying it out loud... akrites. taking her akrites.

akrites® are pills that help you act right (behave accordingly..or normal ) and so if she were to start taking hers she'd stop being how she is and....well act right..lol

[Tuffcore]

You can talk all you want, but that doesn't always mean there's a connection. Sometimes the moments when the two of you are just quiet and everything feels right says a lot more than a 3hr talk.

So true.

It's pretty special when two people can share silence with one another and still feel right about being together.

tc i think you should just decide definitively what you want and push for that. you guys are throwing all these things back and forth and it just sounds really confusing and like neither of you even know what you want. do you even want a commitment? if so, why, because if the answer is that you just don't want her flirting with other guys, that's just dumb. or do you want to continue a more than friends less than bf/gf thing? or do you want to retract your statement of commitment? maybe i didn't read it really closely but i didn't get where you even said what you're trying to get out of it. if you have a firm goal, you can work on how to get to that point.

You are right when it comes to the confusion.

I think this is a case of two people starting off looking for sex but then gradually developing feelings for one another. Right now, we're sort of stuck in the crossroads. We both told each other a fair deal of lies early on in our relationship in effort to seduce one another and now the lies are slowly coming back to haunt us. These lies are preventing us from moving forward together because if the truth was found by the other party, the liar would feel like a total loser and the trust of the other would be gone.

The last few days were strange though. We're like in the stage of "coming clean" and we both have this attitude like, "okay this is the truth and i can't lie to you anymore because i'm starting to love you. I know i'm a bad person and i'll understand if you never want to see me again." She's even told me that she's slept with another guy while we were about 1 month into our 3 month "relationship".

As i'm typing this out at my office, I'm feeling very melancholy but not so much about her lies. I feel proud of her because it's not easy telling me the things she's told me. I have bad thoughts like she'll just choose to disappear one day and never see me again because she's so embarassed with herself. I try to console her and tell her not to be ashamed because we've all lied here and there. I guess she never thought we'd make it this far and now that we are here, she can't live with the fact that she's such a liar. The better i continue to treat her, the worse she feels.

hmm, to end, i think i know what i want. I just want to start over with her the right way.

[BuckNasty]

Ultimatums? Sounds more like a business meeting than a relationship to me.
Just tell her exactly what you want. Exchanging ultimatums won't get you anywhere.

[yammi]

I'm so frustrated right now.

Technically, we've never verbally confirmed a relationship. We do BF/GF stuff like hold hands in public, kiss, and the whole nine yards but call each other "friends." We even introduce ourselves to people as such.

Technically, i have no right to say who she can and cannot be friends with (or sleep with for that matter).

Technically, i cannot be afraid that she will leave me because she technically isn't "with me" in the first place right?
...right?

Frustrating it is! I know exactly how you feel.

I'm kinda in your position where I'm "technically just a friend" but a bit more? I don't really know what he wants. I mean things could have stayed in the friends territory, but after certain things happening, I don't know what to think. He made promises that he never fulfilled and I'm not sure if it's even my "right/duty" to care so much (beyond "friends" concern), especially when he gets himself into bad situations and it drives me crazy that I can't care for him as a girlfriend should. Our "relationship" is pretty much a secret (a complicated web of love and crushes?), so I am quite hesitant to talk to other people about "us" or ask about him when I can't get a hold of him.

[papabear]

Frustrating it is! I know exactly how you feel.

I'm kinda in your position where I'm "technically just a friend" but a bit more? I don't really know what he wants. I mean things could have stayed in the friends territory, but after certain things happening, I don't know what to think. He made promises that he never fulfilled and I'm not sure if it's even my "right/duty" to care so much (beyond "friends" concern), especially when he gets himself into bad situations and it drives me crazy that I can't care for him as a girlfriend should. Our "relationship" is pretty much a secret (a complicated web of love and crushes?), so I am quite hesitant to talk to other people about "us" or ask about him when I can't get a hold of him.

Things don't sound promising. It might be advisable to disentangle yourself from him...

[yammi]

Things don't sound promising. It might be advisable to disentangle yourself from him...

It is so much easier said than done. I tell myself that all the time.

But.......

[papabear]

Be strong and have courage! Though it may not seem like it now, if he's not compatible or good, life will be better once you separate; if he doesn't change (and it's unlikely that he will, and it seems that he doesn't have the motivation to) you won't be happy. Emotions and pain will subside eventually...

[sweet_pai]

I just turned 21 and never been in a relationship till like 6 months ago. And just a few weeks he told me that he loves me, it took me a while to respond back because i don't know what to feel or say, so i just said i love you back. Now it does sound bad, but I do care for him and he does make me happy, but truly love him I don't know. How do i know? thats the thing People say you'll just know when you do, but how do really know? maybe i do actually love him, but just subconsciously don't know?
He's been in a relationship one after another, but says that he never "loved" them just slept with them. I already had that sense of a man hoe when I first met him and I took a big risk going on a date. I asked why do you love me, and this is something what everyone would want to hear. "I feel calm and don't have act like something I'm not, I feel like I can be my true self" I didn't know what to say and i just hugged him hard for a good few minutes.
I'm confusedd yo.

[papabear]

Hrm. Give yourself some time, and see what this guy is really like. And avoid even the more innocent forms of physical intimacy as much as possible--otherwise your judgment may become confused, and it will be easy to pass over his defects in the "hope" that he is different or will be different in the future.

Being in love is not the same as loving a person. A guy who has no problems having sex with women even though he doesn't "love" them is probably worse than a guy who thinks he is in love and can at least attempt to justify his actions, so I'd be suspicious--his actions say more about his character than any sweet-sounding words that come from his mouth.

[gemini2007]

Hello all. First time poster Wondering what other people think about this situation. I feel like I've talked my poor friends to death about it, so maybe you all can give a fresh perspective.

I have a boyfriend I've been with for about 2 years now. I'm 25, and he's 27. We're living together, and marriage is in our future. I absolutely love him with all my heart, and it kills me to think about life without him. He is a wonderful boyfriend who keeps me laughing all the time, takes care of me, and loves everything about me. HOWEVER. He has another side to him that I do NOT like. As I said, he is 27. One would think that by this time, he would be getting to the point where responsibilities outweigh playtime, but that just isn't the case. He has friends that he has had in his life since elementary school. I think this is great, however, these friends are not the best influences for him. None of them went to school, none of them have very decent jobs, and none of them are very nice to their girlfriends. There is that old saying about one bad apple...well, there are about 7 in his life. Needless to say, this creates a strain on our relationship because he ends up going out with his friends any day of the week regardless of responsibilities at work, and sometimes doesn't come home...not to mention the fact that when he does come home, he is absolutely impossible because he's drunk. Anyways, long story short, he's not nice when he drinks. He never puts a hand on me, but he yells, and sometimes I think that's worse. The next morning, when he's sober, he apologizes and promises to do better, but as soon as the weekend rolls around, or one of his friends calls, he is at it again. He is truly sincere in not wanting to keep doing this to me, but he's in a cycle he just cant seem to break.

I'm coming to a point in my life where I dont want to mess around with waiting for a guy to come around. I'm getting older, and would like to start dating guys that I can truly have a future with. My boyfriend sober is exactly that. I love him, but I hate what he does. Should I start meeting people? Should I stay with him and try to work it out? Any thoughts??

[JJM]

Obviously these friends are going to grow old with him. Have you ever tried discussing your concerns with him? No gf (at least from what I think) wants to make her man feel as though he has to choose between his friends and her, but be prepare that he might think that way if talks come to it. Nonetheless, it's better to do it than just live passively with it. Address to him that it's not about him and you, but about his life. When he's neglecting work responsibilities and his safety for fun with friends, it's time to grow up. You can stay and try to work things out, but does your man know there are things to work out? Depends if you can live with him having those kinds of friends in his life.

[gemini2007]

Obviously these friends are going to grow old with him. Have you ever tried discussing your concerns with him? No gf (at least from what I think) wants to make her man feel as though he has to choose between his friends and her, but be prepare that he might think that way if talks come to it. Nonetheless, it's better to do it than just live passively with it. Address to him that it's not about him and you, but about his life. When he's neglecting work responsibilities and his safety for fun with friends, it's time to grow up. You can stay and try to work things out, but does your man know there are things to work out? Depends if you can live with him having those kinds of friends in his life.

Yes, I have expressed to him...many times how I feel about the situation. He agrees that he needs to grow up and step back from his friends until they figure it out. He says these things, but when it comes to them, he cant say no. I would never ask for him to ditch his friends for me...I would kill him if he ever said that to me. I just want to him to realize that he cant keep doing what his friends do. The fact that we're living together makes it harder...if we break up, I am stuck with the house, plus I would be without him, which I dont think I can do. I just wish it could be easier.

[Nojeel]

Hello all. First time poster Wondering what other people think about this situation. I feel like I've talked my poor friends to death about it, so maybe you all can give a fresh perspective.

I have a boyfriend I've been with for about 2 years now. I'm 25, and he's 27. We're living together, and marriage is in our future. I absolutely love him with all my heart, and it kills me to think about life without him. He is a wonderful boyfriend who keeps me laughing all the time, takes care of me, and loves everything about me. HOWEVER. He has another side to him that I do NOT like. As I said, he is 27. One would think that by this time, he would be getting to the point where responsibilities outweigh playtime, but that just isn't the case. He has friends that he has had in his life since elementary school. I think this is great, however, these friends are not the best influences for him. None of them went to school, none of them have very decent jobs, and none of them are very nice to their girlfriends. There is that old saying about one bad apple...well, there are about 7 in his life. Needless to say, this creates a strain on our relationship because he ends up going out with his friends any day of the week regardless of responsibilities at work, and sometimes doesn't come home...not to mention the fact that when he does come home, he is absolutely impossible because he's drunk. Anyways, long story short, he's not nice when he drinks. He never puts a hand on me, but he yells, and sometimes I think that's worse. The next morning, when he's sober, he apologizes and promises to do better, but as soon as the weekend rolls around, or one of his friends calls, he is at it again. He is truly sincere in not wanting to keep doing this to me, but he's in a cycle he just cant seem to break.

I'm coming to a point in my life where I dont want to mess around with waiting for a guy to come around. I'm getting older, and would like to start dating guys that I can truly have a future with. My boyfriend sober is exactly that. I love him, but I hate what he does. Should I start meeting people? Should I stay with him and try to work it out? Any thoughts??

Hi there,

If you say your in love with him and your possibly going to be marrying this felllow, how can you say you should start looking around now? Granted, you are still young, 25 is still a young age, if I loved somebody so dearly I would try to work it out with them but that's just imo. But I think it is important to re-evaluate the pros and cons to the relationship, like ask yourself if the good things outweighs the bad.

However, if you say he's marriage material then he should be ready to fully commit to you. If you are on this subject alot of things play in the part as well I'm sure realize. I.E as in is he financially stable? Are parents involved? and so on.

As a guy, I would like to say I love to hang out with my friends all the time as well. But instead always have guys night out, me and my friends always like to include our girlfriends as well. Does he include you with his buddies when they go out or do you just let him hang out with them by himself so you can give him his space, so that you don't want to feel like your interfering with their friendship? Iono, basically if I were you, if he doesn't straighten up with his drinking and if it becomes problematic then I'm guessing you need figure things out and see if he's really worth it.

Maybe more from female perspective's can help you on this subject.

[gemini2007]

Hi there,

If you say your in love with him and your possibly going to be marrying this felllow, how can you say you should start looking around now? Granted, you are still young, 25 is still a young age, if I loved somebody so dearly I would try to work it out with them but that's just imo. But I think it is important to re-evaluate the pros and cons to the relationship, like ask yourself if the good things outweighs the bad.

However, if you say he's marriage material then he should be ready to fully commit to you. If you are on this subject alot of things play in the part as well I'm sure realize. I.E as in is he financially stable? Are parents involved? and so on.

As a guy, I would like to say I love to hang out with my friends all the time as well. But instead always have guys night out, me and my friends always like to include our girlfriends as well. Does he include you with his buddies when they go out or do you just let him hang out with them by himself so you can give him his space, so that you don't want to feel like your interfering with their friendship? Iono, basically if I were you, if he doesn't straighten up with his drinking and if it becomes problematic then I'm guessing you need figure things out and see if he's really worth it.

Maybe more from female perspective's can help you on this subject.

The only reason why I say should I start looking is because that's what my friends keep telling me. I dont want to go looking...that's why I have a boyfriend! I thought I found what I had been looking for. He always invites me when he goes out, but I have started to say no because it is interferring with my professional life. I cant be going to work late, and missing days like he does. He works for his family's business, and he gets away with that...I cant. Also- I get really annoyed with his friends because they can really act like idiots when they drink. They all cheat on their girlfriends, who I'm friends with, and they have the nerve to bring out their 2nd girlfriends around me! I'm just not ok with that. It's really putting a strain on our relationship, and I just dont know what to tell him anymore.

[JJM]

It's one thing to know and another to do. Your man may know what's going on, but it doesn't seem like he's willing to lift a finger to change it. I understand the trusting your man, but not those around him. Sometimes, when one of my man's shady acquaintances come around, I make my "displeasure" known.

Nojeel, nice to hear that you and your pals include the girlfriends too. More men should be that way. My bf always take me along with his friends and him when they head out for drinks, poker, and pool. In a sense, he feels that if we're going to get married someday, he wants me to know who and what I'm getting myself involved with (including his friends b/c they're also a big part of his life). The only time he's asked me to allow him to go alone is for their annual Fantasy Football draft gathering.

[Nojeel]

The only reason why I say should I start looking is because that's what my friends keep telling me. I dont want to go looking...that's why I have a boyfriend! I thought I found what I had been looking for. He always invites me when he goes out, but I have started to say no because it is interferring with my professional life. I cant be going to work late, and missing days like he does. He works for his family's business, and he gets away with that...I cant. Also- I get really annoyed with his friends because they can really act like idiots when they drink. They all cheat on their girlfriends, who I'm friends with, and they have the nerve to bring out their 2nd girlfriends around me! I'm just not ok with that. It's really putting a strain on our relationship, and I just dont know what to tell him anymore.

Put your foot down, but don't demand it, cause us guys hate that honestly, we don't like to be nagged or procrasinated (I'm not saying your doing that so don't kill me, lol) I'm just telling you this from a guy's standpoint.

Don't listen to your friends, their YOUR friends so obviously their going be on your side and tell you things that's 'better for you.' Their giving advice and suggestions on YOUR behalf and not him, and vice versa, his friends are probably saying the same thing to him about you, that's just the way it works. Your friends and us, the people on this forum can only give you our suggestions, ultimately in the end it's your decision to make it or work or not, none of our opinions should matter or sway your decision in any way. It just sounds like to me your just sick of it and want to get away...but seems like you just dont want to let go. IMHO

It's one thing to know and another to do. Your man may know what's going on, but it doesn't seem like he's willing to lift a finger to change it. I understand the trusting your man, but not those around him. Sometimes, when one of my man's shady acquaintances come around, I make my "displeasure" known.

Nojeel, nice to hear that you and your pals include the girlfriends too. More men should be that way. My bf always take me along with his friends and him when they head out for drinks, poker, and pool. In a sense, he feels that if we're going to get married someday, he wants me to know who and what I'm getting myself involved with (including his friends b/c they're also a big part of his life). The only time he's asked me to allow him to go alone is for their annual Fantasy Football draft gathering.

Lol, fantasy football. It's quite fun, and you don't need to be particually interested in football or possess alot of knowledge to play it. You should try it, there's a bunch of free ones everywhere, only time I think it gets ridiculously competitive is the paid fantasy football drafts, that's when it gets p-r-e-t-t-y serious and intense, and I don't like those, lol.

[JJM]

Lol, fantasy football. It's quite fun, and you don't need to be particually interested in football or possess alot of knowledge to play it. You should try it, there's a bunch of free ones everywhere, only time I think it gets ridiculously competitive is the paid fantasy football drafts, that's when it gets p-r-e-t-t-y serious and intense, and I don't like those, lol.

My bf's group of friends totals 12 and they've been playing it for years. Each year they up the fee to play. I think it's up to $300 per person now. Winner takes all. The guys also have an annual poker tournament in the fall. These two events are their "male bonding" time to catch up with one another, so the gf's and wifeys stay home.

[papabear]

Yes, I have expressed to him...many times how I feel about the situation. He agrees that he needs to grow up and step back from his friends until they figure it out. He says these things, but when it comes to them, he cant say no. I would never ask for him to ditch his friends for me...I would kill him if he ever said that to me. I just want to him to realize that he cant keep doing what his friends do. The fact that we're living together makes it harder...if we break up, I am stuck with the house, plus I would be without him, which I dont think I can do. I just wish it could be easier.

Has he ever brought up commitment or marriage?

The friends he chooses are indicative of his character, they're not the cause of him being the way he is (though they may reinforce certain aspects). Why would you be stuck with the house? Are you one paying for it? I think your friends are right. The long-term prospects do not look good, and you need to listen to your own judgment:

I'm coming to a point in my life where I dont want to mess around with waiting for a guy to come around. I'm getting older, and would like to start dating guys that I can truly have a future with.

I am doubting whether your characterization of him is really that accurate:

My boyfriend sober is exactly that.

You see the warning signs, but are you ignoring them when you assert this?

"oxytocin"