[badboy yardy]

^ NO. That's a horrid idea. If I have to give up my family for her, then she is not the love of my life. Kin are more important than non-kin.*

*of course, the rule doesn't apply if your family abuses or neglects you

if you have a wife, and she becomes the mother of your child, will you also side with mommy and daddy when they criticize her?

a wife or husband is more important than kin after the vows of marriage has been exchanged imo.

[chairmanK]

if you have a wife, and she becomes the mother of your child, will you also side with mommy and daddy when they criticize her?

a wife or husband is more important than kin after the vows of marriage has been exchanged imo.

Good question. I think that the most important thing is to set a good example for the child. Your spouse may not be related to you, but your child is. I don't want my child to see her father criticizing her mother. I mean, it makes no sense to tell the child to honor her mother and father if her parents don't even honor each other.

But if there aren't any children in the family, then I think that it's better to side with parents over spouse. The people who raised you (and it doesn't matter whether they adopted you; the people who raised you are your true parents and kin) will be your parents forever; you can't ever replace them. Whereas you can replace your spouse if you absolutely must.

I realize that this way of thinking may be shocking to some people, and my advice doesn't apply to all people. Some people have crazy parents, I know. But I trust my parents completely. They are extremely strict with me, but they always value my happiness above their own lives. If they had a reason to criticize my spouse, I would listen to them seriously.

[yammi]

Good question. I think that the most important thing is to set a good example for the child. Your spouse may not be related to you, but your child is. I don't want my child to see her father criticizing her mother. I mean, it makes no sense to tell the child to honor her mother and father if her parents don't even honor each other.

But if there aren't any children in the family, then I think that it's better to side with parents over spouse. The people who raised you (and it doesn't matter whether they adopted you; the people who raised you are your true parents and kin) will be your parents forever; you can't ever replace them. Whereas you can replace your spouse if you absolutely must.

I realize that this way of thinking may be shocking to some people, and my advice doesn't apply to all people. Some people have crazy parents, I know. But I trust my parents completely. They are extremely strict with me, but they always value my happiness above their own lives. If they had a reason to criticize my spouse, I would listen to them seriously.

There are some things that I don't quite agree with, but I understand that this is just your opinion.

Are you referring to your spouse not "relating" to you as in blood relationship? I would see my spouse as family...as a part of me. I'm kind of confused. So if one has a child, then the connection between the two spouses is only the child? Also, by what you said by honoring each other and setting a good example.....is this all done as a show for the child? But what if they don't have any and you say that they're (the spouses) not related, then what kind of relationship or marriage is this? What is the purpose of marriage and what does your spouse mean to you? Who is s/he to you?

Maybe you have a different view of marriage as me, but I wouldn't want to marry someone on the notion that he would or could be "replaceable". I think that kind of thought in itself is pretty destructive in a serious relationship, much less a relationship that should be meant to last (hence marriage).

Yes, I agree, family is very important. However, to be put up on top above everything else......I think maybe that may be a bit extreme. Same goes with the spouse. I don't think one should side with anyone "just because" they're "so and so". Just because they're "so and so" doesn't mean they are always right or always knows what's right for you. Shouldn't one listen to BOTH ends before taking any kind of position? It's only fair, isn't it?

[chairmanK]

Are you referring to your spouse not "relating" to you as in blood relationship? I would see my spouse as family...as a part of me. I'm kind of confused. So if one has a child, then the connection between the two spouses is only the child? Also, by what you said by honoring each other and setting a good example.....is this all done as a show for the child? But what if they don't have any and you say that they're (the spouses) not related, then what kind of relationship or marriage is this? What is the purpose of marriage and what does your spouse mean to you? Who is s/he to you?

Marriage is a contract between two families. I belong to my family, and my spouse belongs to her family. In the ideal scenario, the married couple have a genuine friendship with each other, and the two families are pleased with their marriage. When I get married, of course I hope to love my spouse unconditionally for the rest of my life.

But in real life, we do not always find ourselves in the ideal scenario. Just because I hope to have a good marriage, this does not guarantee that I will enjoy a good marriage. If the marriage has conflict, what is the best way to resolve the conflict? I think that the best way to resolve the conflict is to rely on family bonds (parent-child and sibling-sibling). I think that it is a grave mistake to allow a bad marriage to poison your family relationships.

[thendougsaid]

But if there aren't any children in the family, then I think that it's better to side with parents over spouse. The people who raised you (and it doesn't matter whether they adopted you; the people who raised you are your true parents and kin) will be your parents forever; you can't ever replace them. Whereas you can replace your spouse if you absolutely must.

Marriage is a contract between two families. I belong to my family, and my spouse belongs to her family. In the ideal scenario, the married couple have a genuine friendship with each other, and the two families are pleased with their marriage. When I get married, of course I hope to love my spouse unconditionally for the rest of my life.

Yes, I agree, family is very important. However, to be put up on top above everything else......I think maybe that may be a bit extreme. Same goes with the spouse. I don't think one should side with anyone "just because" they're "so and so". Just because they're "so and so" doesn't mean they are always right or always knows what's right for you. Shouldn't one listen to BOTH ends before taking any kind of position? It's only fair, isn't it?

siding with a someone before hearing the facts and idea behind it is a little obtrusive?

i guess everyone has a different idea of their perfect marriage... as do i. but ive been wrong in my thought before and experincve had thought me theres numerous solution to one complex problem. anyway i dont think i could seriously date someone that would be closed minded enough to not consider another's point of view... infact, im in awe of how someone could CHOOSE a side and not be able to make their own decisions.

[chairmanK]

Life is complicated and full of uncertainty. How do we make optimal decisions under uncertainty? We should pool information from trustworthy sources. Some sources of information are more trustworthy than others. A spouse is quite trustworthy, but nonetheless even the best spouse cares about her own welfare more than she cares about yours, and she would rather take care of her own parents than take care of yours. The information that your spouse gives you is necessarily biased to promote her own interests. This bias is not malicious or even deliberate at all; it is just human nature. By contrast, your parents are more trustworthy than your spouse, because they care about you more than they care about themselves. They have no incentive to give you misleading information.

[Aziraphale]

By contrast, your parents are more trustworthy than your spouse, because they care about you more than they care about themselves. They have no incentive to give you misleading information.

I disagree. Maybe your folks are different, but it's no fun to be caught in a parental tug of war where mommy expects you to side with her and so does daddy with him, and they get doubly pissed off if you side with either or neither party. Especially when it involves relatives on both sides. It's very tiring.

And some parents do care more about themselves than their kids, or do give misleading information - or use extreme tactics - to make their kids do something they (the parents) want. I do not think just because they are your parents (general 'your') they should automatically be put on a pedestal and remain there.

[thendougsaid]

no you're going off topic. the question was

if you have a wife, and she becomes the mother of your child, will you also side with mommy and daddy when they criticize her?

naturally(hopefully its in your nature) in this situation, as a FATHER or MOTHER you're goign to make the decision to better your child.

i think what you're trying to say is that you would always trust your family over your spouse, and thats cool with me... but shouldn't youre counterpart's opinion matter? you know, the one that you wake up to eerrrrday, the one you share your financial responsilbity with, the one you raise a child with... no? independent thought.. it's pretty important.

[papabear]

A spouse is quite trustworthy, but nonetheless even the best spouse cares about her own welfare more than she cares about yours.

If we are talking about good self-love, then no, even parents [should] love themselves more than they love their children.

The information that your spouse gives you is necessarily biased to promote her own interests.

A questionable generalization.

[[HyuNi]]

if you have a wife, and she becomes the mother of your child, will you also side with mommy and daddy when they criticize her?

Haha that statement reminds me of how 90% of korean dramas revolve around that issue.
There's usually a rich and poor family
Someone gets cancer, car accident, miscarriage, pregnancy, etc
Mother faints several times due to unbearable stress
People drink in sadness and sulk for the next few days
etc
etc
etc.

But honestly, I'm close with my parents and my mom did ask me this question.
I said straight out that I would probably side with my future spouse because it's I who chose to be with her for the rest of our lives.
When I said that, I could tell my mom was clearly not satisfied with my answer, but at the same time understood where I was coming from.

With that being said, this is all relative to the situation at that time.

I heard a story that a wife slapped her step mother in the face and explained to her husband that she was the victim and made the husband believe the mother was wrong.
I would definately not agree with that.

-John

[chairmanK]

naturally(hopefully its in your nature) in this situation, as a FATHER or MOTHER you're goign to make the decision to better your child.

Of course! This is exactly what I believe.

Fortunately, for most married couples with children, being a good spouse is equivalent to being a good parent. But when those two roles conflict, I believe that it is better to be a good parent than to be a good spouse. The parent-child relationship is most important to me. I guess that you could call me a filial fundamentalist.

[thendougsaid]

I said straight out that I would probably side with my future spouse because it's I who chose to be with her for the rest of our lives.

i think theres this folklore about a young husband riding on a boat with his mom and new bride. the boat was too heavy and someone had to go ....the story ends with the main character's decision to save either his mom and spouse... where in which you're actually supposed to write your own ending.

my friend told me this story ... and i told her to STFU because i cant think of mortifiying SHITake like that. but honestly, if i were in that situation RIGHT NOW, I WOULD PICK MY MA... because at this time i dont have a wife. and i cant imagine picking someone i love, respect, cherish, adore over my imaginary future wife that i dont even know... and probably hasnt even been born yet. =] kekeke

[suki_*]

Life is complicated and full of uncertainty. How do we make optimal decisions under uncertainty? We should pool information from trustworthy sources. Some sources of information are more trustworthy than others. A spouse is quite trustworthy, but nonetheless even the best spouse cares about her own welfare more than she cares about yours, and she would rather take care of her own parents than take care of yours. The information that your spouse gives you is necessarily biased to promote her own interests. This bias is not malicious or even deliberate at all; it is just human nature. By contrast, your parents are more trustworthy than your spouse, because they care about you more than they care about themselves. They have no incentive to give you misleading information.

Maybe you haven't really experienced true love yet... if you have, then you would know that a relationship is self-sacrificing and it's not always all man for themselves. You are in a marraige/relationship because that person means as much to you as yourself. You care for that person so much that you are willing to accept change and even risk your life for them (i don't want it to sound like such a drama, but it's true, we haven't truly lived life until we've found someone to live for.) right now your mentally is still all about yourself. So obviously, you have never lived enough to find that someone whom you're willing to make sacrifices for.

I disagree, by focussing more on the child just because he/she is related to you. Once you are in marraige, she is family. Speaking on the point where both sides of the parent party knows each other well, and treat you and her like a daughter and son. The first question was whether you will move away for your loved one in the first place. You said that you will never do that. I also disagree, if you took a look at your parents and alot of other parents, they also made a move away from family but still be able to maintain a strong emotional and familia bond with their parents. Are you telling me that you are going to live under one roof with all of them? You can still live away from the family and still have that strong bond.

In asian culture, only when parents are old and need assistance, are they then going to move into one of their children's homes. but during the time their children are married and have their own family to raise, it's safe to say that it's okay to live away from parents.

When you say the spouse can give you a bias because of her own interest, don't you think that parents can do the same too? If so, what makes you think that their biases are always right and true? I'm not deviating from family values and loyalty, but sometimes, you gotta know who is obviously right and who is obviously wrong, it can go both ways.

I don't know, to me, my family is huge. Having long distance relationships are always famous (i don't know how it works, but we all just meet the one from far away compared to close). We're all over the world and i've seen either the husband make the move or the wife make the move, and guess what, family relationships are still strong. Reunions always happen which makes travelling a must and it's always fun. I don't see how moving away from family for a loved one is a bad thing. the only way to have a spouse vs. family feud is that they never got along in the first place. so all this could be avoided before even deciding to make the move or not

[papabear]

but during the time their children are married and have their own family to raise, it's safe to say that it's okay to live away from parents.

Yes, but how far away? If there is any awareness of obligations at all, often there's too much focus on family responsibilities and not enough on communal responsibilities. Living in a society of atomizied individuals, it is easy to live life without giving a thought to the community, but this is something that needs to be changed, if we are to make the adjustments necessary in an age of peak oil and degradation of local ecosystems.

[Tuffcore]

So yesterday evening, i got into an argument with my girl friend (for like the 10th time this month. i'm not even sure who started the argument or if it was just a carry over from argument's past). Anyways, she went way overboard this time and I ended up slapping her face.



Yes, i slapped her face.



I can't believe i hit a girl and i feel totally ashamed of that. This morning, she decided to move out from our apartment and move into a friends house for a week (she wouldn't tell who but i suspect it's this "guy friend" of hers. I'm pretty insecure in this regard so it's probably just a girlfriend but i am paranoid). Anyways, i'd like to apologize to her, if not for everything i said, then at least for slapping her face. She's sort of cut me off from her cell phone. I'm not sure how else to get to her.

The biggest obstacle that i face is that she's a woman of high self-reputation (for a lack of a better term) and she's already told all her friends that i slapped her face. She's probably been advised by all her friends to leave me and i'm sure she's even given her friends the, "i'm done with him" line. She can't back down now.

Advice? and speed is of the essence...
a BIG thank you in advance!

[papabear]

whoa... if your previous posts didn't indicate this, then maybe this incident and being able to slap a woman suggest that you need to seek some therapy...

If you can leave messages, apologize and suggest a neutral meeting place, somewhere public. And consider going to therapy and telling her that you'd do it.

[Tuffcore]

whoa... if your previous posts didn't indicate this, then maybe this incident and being able to slap a woman suggest that you need to seek some therapy...

If you can leave messages, apologize and suggest a neutral meeting place, somewhere public. And consider going to therapy and telling her that you'd do it.

i didn't load up and give her a right arm roundhouse. I stuck my arm straight out and flicked my wrist. I caught both of us by surprise. Given the circumstances, many here may have slapped her too. She was totally out of line...

...but whatever, in the end, I shouldn't down play it. A slap in the face is still a slap in the face no matter what. I feel sincerely terrible.

Going to therapy? Does my situation sound that extreme? Oh man...



That's not a bad suggestion though and should proably go. How else can i apologize to her in addition to that?

[chairmanK]

So yesterday evening, i got into an argument with my girl friend (for like the 10th time this month. i'm not even sure who started the argument or if it was just a carry over from argument's past). Anyways, she went way overboard this time and I ended up slapping her face.

Obviously, you did wrong. Hitting people is bad. But I'm not going to judge you, because I have no idea what she said to provoke you.

Well, at least now you have a good excuse to follow our advice by finally putting an end to this relationship. There's no point to apologizing. Clearly, the two of you are destructive together. Just end it. I'm almost happy for you.

papabear, do you think that hitting a woman is any different from hitting a man? You can imagine an otherwise normal, controlled person getting in a fistfight over fighting words, right? So how is it any different if the same fighting words are coming out of the mouth of a woman? I don't think that it's fair to tell Tuffcore to go to therapy when we don't know what happened.

[thendougsaid]

I ended up slapping her face.
Yes, i slapped her face.

dude, she was asking for it

all joking aside, is it ok to slap a woman? umm maybe some girls need a good slapping or two... but if you do, you better be ready to leave the relationship and kill any connection with her. men are generally physically bigger and stronger. winning in a physical battle just makes you less of a man no matter how big your piece is.

i hope none of my friends would do it. But if any of my boys did hit a woman, id be in support of him in public and kick his privately.

woman are forgiving creatures so about a paychek's worth of gifts, graveling and apologzing not just to her but her family might save the deal... but remember... if it were my sister.. and you had hit her... i woudlnt hesistate jail time to kick a$$.

[PaNgIeE]

i agreed w/the previous posts about ending the relationship. its time if you guys both are at this point of arguing all the time and you slapping her in the face. shld of never started this relationship to begin with, but you know what..i don't know how it is between you both. i strongly agree that this is the best time to let go and move on.

if not, you both need help big time! good luck!