[G-Nitro]

My family didn't like my last girlfriend, but never told me until after she cheated on me and broke up. Gotta love the family communication there! But if my parents told me before all that happened, I would've listened to their comments and taken them into consideration. I wouldn't flat out break up with a girl because of them, but if they are telling me, than I would suppose they had good reason.

[kicarue]

So... hi, I'm new to posting. I'd hoped to never have to use this section , sigh, but unfortunately I guess I do. So I just went through a break-up, my boyfriend of 1.5 years - we've had a very rough summer / relationship I guess because most of the time it was one-sided, on his side. I never really believed in it, I never really wanted it, until truly a few months ago I became invested. I picked a lot of fights, because of a lot of doubts about the relationship. After a really huge fight, where I finally realized what I've been doing wrong, he said he was starting to feel differently, starting to feel doubt and wanted some time. Also he's spending the next few months overseas.

My question is though, he says he really cares for me still, and that he sees our future together, but he wants time apart. (He's leaving for overseas for half a year in less than a month) - I just want to spend time together before he leaves, because for me I feel really sorry and unhappy and want to make amends. But he says that's really not possible that it's better to spend months apart and it would give our future a better chance. I also feel like if we don't spend at least a couple of weeks together, it'll never be fixed (at least for me, and I'll never be able to return to it)- and there won't be a chance for it to get better.

Is that true? Why do guys think this? I'm talking with one of my girl friends whose guy is saying the same thing, he really wants to spend his life with her blahblahblah in the future - but he wants time to sort things out.

I'm tired of trying to persuade him to spend at least some time with me before he goes / cuts me off for months. Should I give him his space? Does this really help? Any past experiences?

[papabear]

If you can't persuade him to change his mind, then what else can you do but give him space?

How long will he be gone? And, what are his plans for the future?

Putting aside your feelings, are you two compatible?

[itachi]

i don't know if this was asked before... but, is it wrong for me to still want a friendship with my ex boyfriend? we dated for almost two years and we were each other's first loves. we were also REALLY good friends before our relationship. we have so many memories together... our relationship starting getting rocky about 1 1/2 then we broke up few months shy of our two year mark...

it seems as if he REALLY hates me. when he sees me he'll just turn around and walk away.. and if i see him somewhere and initiate small talk, he'll just start acting really exasperated and try to find ways to slink away.

it really hurts me.he broke up with me. we didn't break up because someone was cheating or because we had some BIG fight... he just didn't wanna try anymore.. I don't love him anymore, but i still care about him a lot. with all of our history, we should at least try to be civil right?

[papabear]

It may not be love, but are you sure it's not the remnant of an emotional attachment?

I think you should just let him be. If he doesn't want to be friends, there's nothing you can do about it. Move on, you have plenty of other friends to spend time with, and after some time you won't miss him.

[chairmanK]

i don't know if this was asked before... but, is it wrong for me to still want a friendship with my ex boyfriend? we dated for almost two years and we were each other's first loves. we were also REALLY good friends before our relationship. we have so many memories together... our relationship starting getting rocky about 1 1/2 then we broke up few months shy of our two year mark...

it seems as if he REALLY hates me. when he sees me he'll just turn around and walk away.. and if i see him somewhere and initiate small talk, he'll just start acting really exasperated and try to find ways to slink away.

it really hurts me.he broke up with me. we didn't break up because someone was cheating or because we had some BIG fight... he just didn't wanna try anymore.. I don't love him anymore, but i still care about him a lot. with all of our history, we should at least try to be civil right?

Well, if he acts like he hates you, then he probably views the expired relationship differently than you do. You admit that the relationship got "rocky" after a while, right? People has different tolerances for emotional volatility. You may describe it as just "rocky", but he may feel emotionally scarred for life. He may be the type of sensitive person who hides his feelings; you don't know it, but perhaps he was miserable while you were happy.

I'm not defending your ex-boyfriend; obviously, it's unhealthy and unfair to pretend to be happy just to please your girlfriend. But some people do this, and as a result they behave in puzzling ways.

[itachi]

Well, if he acts like he hates you, then he probably views the expired relationship differently than you do. You admit that the relationship got "rocky" after a while, right? People has different tolerances for emotional volatility. You may describe it as just "rocky", but he may feel emotionally scarred for life. He may be the type of sensitive person who hides his feelings; you don't know it, but perhaps he was miserable while you were happy.

I'm not defending your ex-boyfriend; obviously, it's unhealthy and unfair to pretend to be happy just to please your girlfriend. But some people do this, and as a result they behave in puzzling ways.

haha...i'm the one who is emotionally scarred. one day he says he loves me.. a week later it's "i don't love you anymore..." the relationship was rocky because he didn't want to get a job and he wasn't mature enough. this dude would stay up watching anime and play games like maple story but would not clear some time to spend with me... so to say that he was miserable is kinda impossible because he was happy with his anime and maple story while i wa strying to be "understanding".

but i accepted that and i accepted the breakup. we won't change, i will always want him to do more and he doesn't want to. but yeesh, we could stay friends! he could say hi to me when he sees me. it's not like i'm the reason we broke up. i didn't do anything to him. when i don't greet people or ignore them, it means i hate them or dislike them.

sometimes i just wanna go up to him and ask him why he's acting like such an immature prick. grah.

[chairmanK]

haha...i'm the one who is emotionally scarred. one day he says he loves me.. a week later it's "i don't love you anymore..." the relationship was rocky because he didn't want to get a job and he wasn't mature enough. this dude would stay up watching anime and play games like maple story but would not clear some time to spend with me... so to say that he was miserable is kinda impossible because he was happy with his anime and maple story while i wa strying to be "understanding".

but i accepted that and i accepted the breakup. we won't change, i will always want him to do more and he doesn't want to. but yeesh, we could stay friends! he could say hi to me when he sees me. it's not like i'm the reason we broke up. i didn't do anything to him. when i don't greet people or ignore them, it means i hate them or dislike them.

sometimes i just wanna go up to him and ask him why he's acting like such an immature prick. grah.

If he wasn't good to you when he was your boyfriend, then why do you want to still want to be his friend? It seems like you are better off without this person in your life. You should be the one ignoring him.

[itachi]

If he wasn't good to you when he was your boyfriend, then why do you want to still want to be his friend? It seems like you are better off without this person in your life. You should be the one ignoring him.

you're completely correct...i should. it's just sometimes i reminisce about the "good times"and i get caught up... *sigh* we were such good friends....man...

this has helped... thanks...

p.s. do you guys greet your ex-girlfriends?

[blue_shoe]

I say hi and bye to my ex-bf out of common courtesy.

Sorry, but if a guy doesn't treat me right as his girlfriend, then he's not worth being a friend.

[G-Nitro]

I tried to greet my ex (since I was working in the building where I met her), even though she cheated on me, but she ignored me me like I was the one who cheated on her. So petty, but I lol'd.

[chairmanK]

you're completely correct...i should. it's just sometimes i reminisce about the "good times"and i get caught up... *sigh* we were such good friends....man...

this has helped... thanks...

p.s. do you guys greet your ex-girlfriends?

well, whenever you catch yourself thinking romantically about the "good times", just remind yourself of the problems that you had with this guy.

My ex-girlfriend calls me occasionally. I never answer. She leaves voicemail messages. At first, I listened to these messages, but after I realized that she was always crying or screaming at me, I decided to just delete them without listening. It's been almost four years since we broke up. She's crazy. If I ever run into her again, I will tell her to walk away from me, or else I'll call the police.

[kicarue]

If you can't persuade him to change his mind, then what else can you do but give him space?

How long will he be gone? And, what are his plans for the future?

Putting aside your feelings, are you two compatible?

Yeah I guess I've come to that conclusion too, I'm giving him his space. It seems really painful / annoying for him to be around me or something. But then he says stuff like it's just a 'break' and that he wants it to work out in the future. He's going to be gone for about 6-7 months, and then he'll be coming back.

I think we're compatible, we had a lot of good times, recently I think most of our problems came from my picking fights. I guess in that way he feels a little satisfaction from the fact that now I'm the one that wants him back.

[itachi]

well, whenever you catch yourself thinking romantically about the "good times", just remind yourself of the problems that you had with this guy.

My ex-girlfriend calls me occasionally. I never answer. She leaves voicemail messages. At first, I listened to these messages, but after I realized that she was always crying or screaming at me, I decided to just delete them without listening. It's been almost four years since we broke up. She's crazy. If I ever run into her again, I will tell her to walk away from me, or else I'll call the police.

wow... what made you hate her so much? how did the relationship end?

I tried to greet my ex (since I was working in the building where I met her), even though she cheated on me, but she ignored me me like I was the one who cheated on her. So petty, but I lol'd.

man..that's really biznatch-ish. that's how i feel too! like i didn't do CRAP to you, why are you acting like a biznatch?

[G-Nitro]

man..that's really biznatch-ish. that's how i feel too! like i didn't do CRAP to you, why are you acting like a biznatch?

Yeah, well I tried to be the bigger person and not make it awkward when we saw eachother, but if it's how she wants it, so be it. My advice to you is, just let it be and don't try to be friends if he doesn't want to. While it may seem like you're losing something right now, the reality is he is losing something not you. You just dropped some dead weight.

[Etsu]

Sorry for intruding..
But i just have a question.. I know its silly of me to ask this.. But i just had to get it out.. and find/seek answers..

Can you really fall in love or love, twO people at the same time??? :| CONFUSION..
I even posted this up i nthe relationship/love/life section.. I i really need REAL MAJURITY answers.. :|

P.S owned page 80 LOL

[papabear]

Sorry for intruding..
But i just have a question.. I know its silly of me to ask this.. But i just had to get it out.. and find/seek answers..

Can you really fall in love or love, twO people at the same time??? :| CONFUSION..
I even posted this up i nthe relationship/love/life section.. I i really need REAL MAJURITY answers.. :|

P.S owned page 80 LOL

Can one be attracted to more than one person? Yes. Or have feelings or even an emotional attachment to more than one person? Yes. But commitment is due to feelings but from making a deliberate choice, and real love isn't all about feelings, even if it involves feelings. If there is indecision, then that person would need to ask why, and determine how much of it is due to selfishness or the wrong expectations or ideas about love/relationship (i.e. which person would make me happier instead of who is a better match for something serious and permanent).

[srenity]

i took a look at your thread in the l&r, and they all seemed to give the answers that have a grasps the idea of love.
so.... how is that immature? you're probably looking for a certain answer that you're expecting someone to say.

i would say you're in LIKE with the two guys.
for me, i use the term 'fall in LOVE' as a spiritual, romantic connection that comes with commitment and trust with a significant other that you dont really get with friends or family.
i mean... i love my friends and family, but it's not as the deep connection that i feel with my bf. if you're just casually dating the person, then i wouldnt really call it love.

that's my .02 though. i'm pretty conservative when it comes to love. so a person who has liberal perspective on love may say something else.

[Etsu]

Thanks for replying..
I don't mean it in that way.. when I said.. MAJURITY.. I just wanted a full explanation of.. this whole two sided thing.

Because, I gotten to a state.. where things are hard to define.. between the two.

I have 2 people around me.. who both loves me V.much.. But i'm havin a hard time.. I see one.. more as a friend, and one.. who I'm madly deeply in love with.. But that one who i called a friend.. Arghh.. it's complicated...

[elemenope]

Hello 20 something soompiers,

I think I may have had a revelation in dating recently, and wanted your nickel on the matter. I recently read the book "He's just not that into you" and the gist of the book is that basically, guys will get in touch with you/ find your number to call you/ fly cross country for you and such if they are truly interested. Otherwise, his feelings for you are probably just lukewarm and girls aren't doing themselves a favor by asking guys out. Personally, the more I think about it, the more I think this is true.

It stems from the fact that I recently crushed on a boss-type guy @ the workplace and decided not to ask him out after agonizing over it - I figured he'd call if he was interested despite the workplace hurdles but he didn't. Still I think I did the right thing.

Anyways - do you agree with the "He's just not that into you" philosophy (which BTW for ladies should be read with a shot of whiskey aforehand)? (and did I do the right thing?)