[k1D3Ck]

Girl: "Why don't you value commitment?"

Boy: "I do value commitment. I'm just waiting for the right time to commit."

Girl: "We've been together for a while. I can't wait much longer. When will you be ready to make a commitment?"

[Boy thinks to himself: I'm ready to make a commitment right now - just not with you. I'm waiting to find someone better, and when I find her, I won't need you any more to relieve my loneliness. Stop nagging me about commitment; it's never going to happen between us.]

Almost all guys value commitment. They are eager to commit, and they have elaborate romantic fantasies about lifelong commitment. They just don't want to commit themselves to non-keeper girlfriends.

If your a guy, then I am not sure what your referring to when you say guys have elaborate romantic fantasies about lifelong commitment.

[JF21©]

for all of the picky people..have you guys tried dating sites..like match.com!

i just saw a commercial for it..they said they give you like a whole bunch of criteria to search with or something like that....

i think some of you who seem to be too picky for your own good should try it.

[chairmanK]

If your a guy, then I am not sure what your referring to when you say guys have elaborate romantic fantasies about lifelong commitment.

Hmmm. Most of my unmarried male friends fantasize about marriage. The guys who don't are the ones who were already married once and divorced.

I was once drunk at a party and started talking about a girl whom I have a crush on. My social awareness slipped and I blurted something incredibly inappropriate like, "She's perfect! I want to marry her", to all of my friends. (Fortunately for me, She-whom-I-still-have-a-crush-on wasn't at the party. She probably would have publicly humiliated me.) The next day, I tried to minimize what I had said, but of course everyone knew that I had really meant it, because people say what they honestly think when they are drunk.

Adding to JF's suggestion, try okcupid. It's free, and it provides compatibility ratings.

[questions987]

Okay - I'm supposed to be doing homework so I'll make this quick.

As you can see from my "Pain!" post I actually broke free from my hermit tendencies and went out last night. I ended up running into someone I knew from High school - I wouldn't say a friend but she thinks of me as one I guess. Anyway - she post all over her myspace how she's happily married and misses her husband - who's in the Navy and is on deployment right now. Her husband and I also went to school together - we were actually in the same group of friends so I know him, not close but I know him.

Anyway - she was at the bar last night and she was flirting with these guys, well she started making out with one of them, then went home with him. All the while this is happenning I called her out on being married and having a deployed husband - btw this guy? Is also in the Navy. I have her husband on my myspace and I'm serioulsy thinking about telling him. I think its wrong that he's off fighting to protect our country and she's cheating on him - btw I know something happened when she went home with him because we ended up going over there later to hang out with his roommate.

She swears that they're seperated but i know that in the military if you're legally seperated you get none of the military spouse benefits. She's still getting her benefits - she has a base job, all of the stuff that you get with being military. I don't know - part of me is bothered that this is what my tax money is going to - cheating spouses and I feel bad for him. The other part of me is saying I should stay out of it and just not associate myself with her. What are your opinions? Should I tell him?

**Do we see why I refuse to date? because people like ^ that exsist.

[HERMIT]

^
I think you should just stay out of it and just not associate with her.
I can understand when it's a family member, relative, or somebody really close in friendship to have to feel compelled in interfering. But in this case, you are considering putting yourself into an adversarial situation with people you seem to really hardly associate with on a regular basis. Is it really that worth it to meddle in the affairs of people you might not greatly care about just to make a moral point? For me, I'd rather not - particularly not knowing to what extent the ramifications would occur for me as a result of my action.

Of course, this is only online and we can only respond given the information before us. Who's to say that the guy already knows or suspects of her cheating ways? Maybe they really are separated - they just never resolved it before he got called to duty - and there's just an arrangement in place where she could temporarily enjoy the benefits while he's away - and when he does return, they'll sort it out for themselves "officially". There's so many suppositions that might have to be considered.

But I think that if you really wanted to make a statement, instead of surreptitiously reporting to the guy via MySpace you should just confront your friend and try to steer her in the right direction. At the least, maybe you can get her to not be hypocritical in posting the stuff she does on her own MySpace.

The poor guy is already in the Middle East with his hands full with the job at hand. Whether he knows about it already or not, the point is - he probably can't do much about it while he's there. Disclosing this kind of distressing news would only serve to mess with his mental focus while his own life and others are at stake. But in any event, once he returns back home he'll figure out what's going on soon enough and be able to deal with that problem right then and there.

[little mixed girl]

^ no ppl who jump into relationships are ppl who act on impulse. People who act on impulse tend to not like what they have after having it. Just like when you go shopping, well but most of you guys wouldn't understand that example.

I find the strongest relationships are people who were friends first and lovers after.

A guy who values committment would think carefully before he ask a girl to be his girlfriend. A guy who doesn't value committments goes like this "ahh well, if it works, it works, if it doesn't, there are more fish in the sea."

i agree with that.
i've had friends that get a guy, then break up, then find someone else, then break up...
then there's all the drama they get into.

why not wait... i think...

i mean, just because a guy asks you out doesn't mean that he's someone that's going to be good to you...

[clockwatcher]

Okay - I'm supposed to be doing homework so I'll make this quick.

As you can see from my "Pain!" post I actually broke free from my hermit tendencies and went out last night. I ended up running into someone I knew from High school - I wouldn't say a friend but she thinks of me as one I guess. Anyway - she post all over her myspace how she's happily married and misses her husband - who's in the Navy and is on deployment right now. Her husband and I also went to school together - we were actually in the same group of friends so I know him, not close but I know him.

Anyway - she was at the bar last night and she was flirting with these guys, well she started making out with one of them, then went home with him. All the while this is happenning I called her out on being married and having a deployed husband - btw this guy? Is also in the Navy. I have her husband on my myspace and I'm serioulsy thinking about telling him. I think its wrong that he's off fighting to protect our country and she's cheating on him - btw I know something happened when she went home with him because we ended up going over there later to hang out with his roommate.

She swears that they're seperated but i know that in the military if you're legally seperated you get none of the military spouse benefits. She's still getting her benefits - she has a base job, all of the stuff that you get with being military. I don't know - part of me is bothered that this is what my tax money is going to - cheating spouses and I feel bad for him. The other part of me is saying I should stay out of it and just not associate myself with her. What are your opinions? Should I tell him?

**Do we see why I refuse to date? because people like ^ that exsist.

Yeah, like Hermit says, I think you should stay out of it. It really isn't any of your business. I don't even know what tax money has to do with this. And as far as she's married to him, she's entitled to whatever benefits she gets... regardless of if their marriage is solid or not.

I don't even know why you have to confront her about this. She's not a child who doesn't know that cheating is wrong but she does it anyway. So other than making you feel better, what does confronting her really do? What happens in their marriage has absolutely nothing to do with you.

[JF21©]

i mean, just because a guy asks you out doesn't mean that he's someone that's going to be good to you...

but you'll never know that for sure because you guys shoot them all down. that's the point of dating. to find out who's good for you. you guys don't even know what you like because you've never given anybody a fair chance. so superficial.

maybe you should look into:
a.match.com ~like i said the commercial said they give 1000000000000+ criteria for you to choose from, since you obviously know exactly what you want, and the only way to find that is to not date [/sarcasm]
b. arranged marriages~ because you seem hell bent on not experiencing what different guys have to offer, so hey! why don't you just let someone tell you how it's gonna be.
c. join a convent/monastary~ because heaven forbid you go out with a guy and find out he's not your type AFTER you've gotten to know him on a level you wouldn't have as ''just friends''...or even worse you find out he IS your type

seriously tho, i get the impression that you guys are just making excuses. i mean of course you're going to have some relationships that aren't perfect..you know what..you learn from them. and of course you're going to meet guys who you fall head over heels for, and they end up just being your friend...you know what, you've just got one more person on your team to help you find Mr. Right.

like forreal..how old are you all? i mean i know we're all 20+, but the way you seem to view relationships is very immature....like you're expecting everything to be a fairytale and if it's not then screw it...*shakes head* at the rate you guys are going y'all are going to be alone a lot longer than you'd like *knock on wood*

~just a question for the record~
how many boyfriends/girlfriends have you all had (or just dates, or who were mutually interested in you) for you to come to the conclusion that you have?

i can't claim to have a ton of experience in the dating world, but even I know that you can't just block people from your heart just because on the surface they don't seem compatible....

[melkimx]

questions987: i think you should stay out of it. he's probably having a tough enough time already without that kind of knowledge being put on his shoulders. and especially if he's not really your friend, then it's not your place to deliver that kind of news to him. but by all means, stop hanging out with his wife... you're probably better off without the friendship of someone like that, and anyway i think it's pretty nervy of her to do all that stuff practically in your face.

^ no ppl who jump into relationships are ppl who act on impulse. People who act on impulse tend to not like what they have after having it. Just like when you go shopping, well but most of you guys wouldn't understand that example.

I find the strongest relationships are people who were friends first and lovers after.

A guy who values committment would think carefully before he ask a girl to be his girlfriend. A guy who doesn't value committments goes like this "ahh well, if it works, it works, if it doesn't, there are more fish in the sea."

i don't think so. most of my longest relationships began out of a commitment made on the first week. like little mixed girl said, most of us can tell right off the bat what we like and what we don't like, and if we can tell the other person is feeling the same way we are, sometimes there's no need to waste time with an arbitrary dating period. or even if the process of agreeing to a commitment takes awhile because we'd rather adhere to certain rules out of respect, you still shouldn't have a feeling that you're hesitating about him, or that he's doubtful about you. if you can't make up your mind about someone after a month, then that's not the person for you.

my longest relationship (three years) was with a guy who'd been with a girl for a couple years, yet he never told her he loved her or that he wanted to marry her. even though i had mutual friends telling me he wasn't likely to commit to me either, i went ahead with it because it still felt right... so on the first date, we agreed not to see anyone else anymore. and the things he didn't tell his ex, he told me within a couple months. and i have a girl friend who has basically the exact same story to tell about her fiance and his ex. so i don't think it's about people who can't commit, i think it's about people who can't commit to the wrong people. i know there are guys who will be all, "oh, i'm crazy about you, let's become an item" immediately and then flake out, but... i mean, those guys are probably in high school or something.

[blue_shoe]

^ man....NO NO NO. I'm adamantly objecting to what you guys are saying. It takes time to get some general understanding of another person.

I VALUE committment!!!

I think a lot of us here can think back to a relationship where we go, "yeah it didn't work out because he wasn't the person I thought he was." Had you taken the time to get to know him, be his friend, go out w/ him as friends and his friends, see how he treats you, treat his friends, treat strangers, treat girls he doesn't like, see how he act when he's not in a good mood, see his good times and bad times. (insert her/she if you're a guy)

1 month period tell you nothing about a person.

I haven't had a lot of experiences w/ relationship. I don't think I'm superficial nor think in an immature way. I think it's my opinion, and my opinion alone. HOWEVER, if you have had a lot of experiences w/ relationship, that means a lot of failures. I think your way of thinking is not working.

[melkimx]

^ man....NO NO NO. I'm adamantly objecting to what you guys are saying. It takes time to get some general understanding of another person.

I VALUE committment!!!

I think a lot of us here can think back to a relationship where we go, "yeah it didn't work out because he wasn't the person I thought he was." Had you taken the time to get to know him, be his friend, go out w/ him as friends and his friends, see how he treats you, treat his friends, treat strangers, treat girls he doesn't like, see how he act when he's not in a good mood, see his good times and bad times. (insert her/she if you're a guy)

I haven't had a lot of experiences w/ relationship. I don't think I'm superficial nor think in an immature way. I think it's my opinion, and my opinion alone. HOWEVER, if you have had a lot of experiences w/ relationship, that means a lot of failures. I think your way of thinking is not working.

you value commitment? so what does that mean... you refuse to be in a relationship unless it has a 99% chance of working out? that's great. some of us would rather spend our twenties being with people we really like, hoping for the best, but learning from our mistakes as we experience them. if it doesn't work out, well, that happens (but usually it's actually not because "he wasn't the person I thought he was"). we're still young and we can pick ourselves up and move on with some good memories and lessons under our belt. what are you so afraid of? maybe you think failure turns you into a morally corrupt person who somehow doesn't value commitment, but most people aren't that cynical or negative. if anything, i think the person who never commits himself and then brags about a zero percent failure rate is less admirable than the person who tries and doesn't succeed.

anyway, i don't know what guy it is you're talking about where you think you need to see him in a good mood, in a bad mood, with friends, with enemies, with strangers, with you, without you, all on a platonic level, before you can really know what he's about. personally, i bet you that even if you take the time to do all that, the person he calls his girlfriend will still learn more about him in two months than you will in two years, because she has the benefit of being emotionally intimate with him in a way a regular friend never will. just my opinion

[aquapoppie]

^ man....NO NO NO. I'm adamantly objecting to what you guys are saying. It takes time to get some general understanding of another person.

I VALUE committment!!!

I think a lot of us here can think back to a relationship where we go, "yeah it didn't work out because he wasn't the person I thought he was." Had you taken the time to get to know him, be his friend, go out w/ him as friends and his friends, see how he treats you, treat his friends, treat strangers, treat girls he doesn't like, see how he act when he's not in a good mood, see his good times and bad times. (insert her/she if you're a guy)

1 month period tell you nothing about a person.

I haven't had a lot of experiences w/ relationship. I don't think I'm superficial nor think in an immature way. I think it's my opinion, and my opinion alone. HOWEVER, if you have had a lot of experiences w/ relationship, that means a lot of failures. I think your way of thinking is not working.

Hmm, I used to have your perspective, that commitment is everything in a relationship.

But it only works when both sides have the same idea about commitment in a relationship. Most often than not, what your opinion about commitment does not match exactly what your partner thinks about commitment. And as humans are dynamic creatures, thoughts and feelings do change over time. So the thought that commitment is everything in a relationship is a bit safe and hard to apply in a real world setting. I set out with the exact same mentality, that I will find someone who I can commit myself to in serious relationship and never need to date anymore. I used to think that too much dating meant that you were too picky, fickle, and unwilling to commit to a meaningful relationship. It's like going to a buffet and sampling all the options, instead of just going straight for your usual favorite dish. Maybe that's a bad example, haha. But as much as commitment is great, it does not guarantee a great relationship. In my opinion, the level and amount of understanding for each other is the most accurate indicator of the level of success in a relationship.

I mean, it would be nice if we could find soulmates with one shot, but that does not happen for everyone, and real life is all about failures. But the point of having failures is to learn from them, and improve and grow. You learn to recognize what types of people are helpful or harmful to you, and it's just another life experience that you will utilize and improve for the rest of your life.

[dabrain]

But it only works when both sides have the same idea about commitment in a relationship. Most often than not, what your opinion about commitment does not match exactly what your partner thinks about commitment.

isnt that exactly the reason for proceeding slowly?? like getting to know the person, what his/her idea about commitment in a rs is?
i am more the type of guy who takes his time to get to know somebody
i guess its some kind of self defense ... to protect myself from being hurt ??

And as humans are dynamic creatures, thoughts and feelings do change over time.

so true ...
if it wasnt like this alot of things would be sooo much easier ...

[clockwatcher]

I think a lot of us here can think back to a relationship where we go, "yeah it didn't work out because he wasn't the person I thought he was." Had you taken the time to get to know him, be his friend, go out w/ him as friends and his friends, see how he treats you, treat his friends, treat strangers, treat girls he doesn't like, see how he act when he's not in a good mood, see his good times and bad times. (insert her/she if you're a guy)

There are people who date for 10 years, get married and file for divorce the following year. In the ten years, they still got to see how he treated the neighborhood butcher but it still didn't work out. There are those who know their partner for like 2 months, get engaged and stay married for the rest of their lives.

1 month can tell you a lot about a person. I don't know about the whole, "let's get committed" on the first date thing but you can hang out with a person for two weeks, like them and decide to see if anything happens.

If someone has had 5 relationships in 5 years and is currently single vs someone who's had no relationships in 5 years and is currently single, yeah, both are single but at least one has gotten some experience. Now they have a better understanding about what they don't want in a man (experience is the best teacher, as they say), they've probably learned from mistakes they've made in the past... probably spent quite a number of nights getting their groove on (of course, you don't need to be in a relationship for that) and lots more. It's fine to be single for life but if you want to be in a relationship, I don't see how sitting around waiting for the one will help. Yeah, kdramas are lovely to watch but dang, that's hardly life.

And this whole friends-to-lovers thing... the whole time y'all are being friends, will you be dating other people? Because if you meet a great guy (and we know they are scarce), the whole time you're feeling him out, trying to gauge how he treats his goldfish, he might meet another girl who's willing to date him and by the time you decide that he could be the one, he's probably already introducing her to his parents.

b. arranged marriages~ because you seem hell bent on not experiencing what different guys have to offer, so hey! why don't you just let someone tell you how it's gonna be.

Hey, these seem to work for hundreds of millions of people all around the world. And they sure do value commitment.

[JF21©]

Hey, these seem to work for hundreds of millions of people all around the world. And they sure do value commitment.

that's why i suggested it.

~~~
aquapoppie and melkimx you two articulated so well what i've been trying to say. (you as well clockwatcher).

[watcher]

^ man....NO NO NO. I'm adamantly objecting to what you guys are saying. It takes time to get some general understanding of another person.

I VALUE committment!!!

I think a lot of us here can think back to a relationship where we go, "yeah it didn't work out because he wasn't the person I thought he was." Had you taken the time to get to know him, be his friend, go out w/ him as friends and his friends, see how he treats you, treat his friends, treat strangers, treat girls he doesn't like, see how he act when he's not in a good mood, see his good times and bad times. (insert her/she if you're a guy)

1 month period tell you nothing about a person.

I haven't had a lot of experiences w/ relationship. I don't think I'm superficial nor think in an immature way. I think it's my opinion, and my opinion alone. HOWEVER, if you have had a lot of experiences w/ relationship, that means a lot of failures. I think your way of thinking is not working.

i think to have a lot of failed relationships means you've simply taken a lot of chances. if you look at it from a different perspective, say job interviews, you'd want to take as many as possible. sure, there would be lots of failures, but in the end, the experience of those interviews as well as the chances of nailing a great job are higher in the long run. statistically, the percentages might be a nightmare, but 5/100 is better than 1/10 any day in my opinion... because i have had 5 opportunities compared to just one.

i think everyone who sincerely want a relationship values commitment and loyalty. nobody wants to fail, or have their heart broken. but it's an aspect of life we just push on through with because it'll happen. you might find someone you finally thought was THE ONE and still break up. if that happens, that wont meant your way of thinking is not working, but you just got a bad roll. So roll again, no?

on a side note... one month period will tell me whether i should keep trying to get to know that person for another month and as the time goes, i'm sure i'll start to build a sense of trust and/or desire to stick around a little bit longer... like... maybe a lifetime... or two or... decide that she's not worth it and take what i've learned and move on. i think if i had a sincere desire to make it work, i'll be a better person whether or not i succeed when i come out of it.

[sasuke-kun]

i think what everyone is saying is true. i used to be like little mixed girl. wanting to wait for the right person to come into my life. i did that, i wasted all of my college years because there was this one girl that i wanted to be with. i didnt go out much, especially when there were other girls involved. and i have nothing to show for it now. i thought this girl was the one for me and i waited and waited. finally we got together, it took almost five years. at the beginning i didnt know a single thing about her, and i didnt know how to act in front of a girl, especially my first girlfriend. slowly we got to know each other and we became really close. but everything ended within a year. i felt like even though i knew stuff about her, like the stuff she liked, etc, i really didn't know much about her personality. maybe i was blind, but i think i just didn't know to look at those things.

so to the present... i posted a couple pages back about meeting a girl. i was very nervous because its been a few months since i met a girl. i mean, we were just meeting as friends, we really didn't know anything about each other and stuff. but let me tell you, after going out with my first girlfriend, it was so easy to talk to her. i wasn't nervous, i knew what to do (well most of the time), and stuff like that. little things, you know? if i didn't have that experience, i would have probably ended up parting to our own way after like 20 mins. but instead, i was able to meet her 4 times already. plus i was able to talk about really personal stuff, stuff i didnt share with my first gf until like 3-4 months into the relationship.

i dont want to wait forever for the ONE. my life is gonna pass me, and by the time i realize, ill be 30. i want to meet girls, even if its just for friends sake. cause when the ONE comes along, i dont want to be a shy little boy who doesn't know what the heck he's doing. it may be cute in a girl, but not in a guy.

[little mixed girl]

but you'll never know that for sure because you guys shoot them all down. that's the point of dating. to find out who's good for you. you guys don't even know what you like because you've never given anybody a fair chance. so superficial.

maybe you should look into:
a.match.com ~like i said the commercial said they give 1000000000000+ criteria for you to choose from, since you obviously know exactly what you want, and the only way to find that is to not date [/sarcasm]
b. arranged marriages~ because you seem hell bent on not experiencing what different guys have to offer, so hey! why don't you just let someone tell you how it's gonna be.
c. join a convent/monastary~ because heaven forbid you go out with a guy and find out he's not your type AFTER you've gotten to know him on a level you wouldn't have as ''just friends''...or even worse you find out he IS your type

seriously tho, i get the impression that you guys are just making excuses. i mean of course you're going to have some relationships that aren't perfect..you know what..you learn from them. and of course you're going to meet guys who you fall head over heels for, and they end up just being your friend...you know what, you've just got one more person on your team to help you find Mr. Right.

like forreal..how old are you all? i mean i know we're all 20+, but the way you seem to view relationships is very immature....like you're expecting everything to be a fairytale and if it's not then screw it...*shakes head* at the rate you guys are going y'all are going to be alone a lot longer than you'd like *knock on wood*

~just a question for the record~
how many boyfriends/girlfriends have you all had (or just dates, or who were mutually interested in you) for you to come to the conclusion that you have?

i can't claim to have a ton of experience in the dating world, but even I know that you can't just block people from your heart just because on the surface they don't seem compatible....

this seems to be one of the things about me that people don't get.

i'm not shutting someone out based on superficial appearances. i am making a decision to not date a person because after i've had a number of conversations with them, i can tell that they are not going to match me.

i'm not looking for a fairytale, i never had fairtale dreams of marriage or a perfect date.
heck, i don't even know what i'd do on a date.
i'm not looking to be wined and dined either.

i would personally like to be friends with the guy before jumping into a relationship.

how can i describe what i see...

as weird as it sounds, when i meet someone i can see into their heart. i can tell if they are a good person or a sneaky person.
i can usually tell when a person is lying to me.

just because i don't want to date them doesn't mean they are bad people, it means that they don't fit me.

i'm the same way with friendships, i have to feel out the person. "can i trust this person with this information? or are they the type that would spread around my business?"

you asked how many dates i've had?

i think i posted that i've had no dates and no boyfriends.

i've been feeling out people since i was little. among my mom's "friend's" i could tell which ones were the ones that were true and which were the ones that were superficial. i was right every time...

that's not to say i haven't had a crush on guys, or that i've never seen a guy that i thought was good looking.

when i know that a guy friend is going to try and approach me for a date, i try to cut him off early without telling him "i'm not interested in dating you".

i was close to something last year, but i left for japan.

[blue_shoe]

^ yesssss....I lean toward her point of view than the rest.

I always knew even as a kid that love is not a fairy tale. Why? because my parents marriage is messed up and all the marriages around me were messed up.

I'm not making excuses. I'm not shutting out potential. I would like to get to know the guys on friendship level before I go into relationship with them.

Having many failures = many experiences = lack of committment.

I googled some definition of commitment and it says - fixity, binding....I don't think breaking up many relationships mean fixity and binding, do you?

You can always minimize heartaches and failures by taking the time to get to know the person. I don't think anybody here would be so readily to jump into a marriage after having a broken marriage, unless you're a celebrity. Why would you do the same thing w/ dating/relationship?

[JF21©]

Having many failures = many experiences = lack of committment.

I googled some definition of commitment and it says - fixity, binding....

no failures=no experience= lack of commitment

being that commitment means to ''fixity and binding''..seeing as you haven't done either.you have a lack of commitment..

how can you say ppl who've had relationships have lack of commitment HELLO! they did commit to TRYING. i guess with your logic, then a couple who were married for 50 years gets divorced..i guess they too have a lack of commitment since their relationship didn't work out..you can't put a 'time limit' on what is considered a good relationship. if you are with someone for 2 years, but they teach you many things about life, love, and yourself, that you would not have learned alone (and trust..you never will) would you consider that a mistake? a waste of time? honestly, i think you have a fear of failure..or a perceived failure because the only way you ''fail'' is if you don't try.

i also think that you may be confusing what i mean when i say ''relationship'' if its your virginity you're holding on to that's fine..and admirable.....you don't have to have sex to be in a relationship...i'm just talking about being intimately and exclusively committed to one person emotionally and if you choose so, physically.