[Aussie Honkie]

Hey,

So basically, I am the only one that knows that my mom is cheating with another man. I found out by accidently going thru her sms and found a whole bunch by another man .. what they said it was obvious he was more than just a good friend. I confronted about an hour later, she told me that her marriage has been bad for the last 6-10 years, and that before my dad and her were married she used to be in a relationship with this guy, he was her boss. Back then this guy was already cheating on his own wife to be with my mom, then she didnt want to break up their fmaily and left and cut contact for 25 years until recently when she bumped into him again when she went back in HK. Basically he asked her to help his business and she started to work for him again .. sparking their relationship. The other guy has a wife and 3 kids.

She claims that they are soul mates and in love etc ... but there is no future, thus she believes that she isnt having an affair or cheating, they just talk etc ... She said that after all the crap she has been through y cant she give herself the chance to love her soulmate and that i should respect her privacy ... She kept saying i am too young (im 24) that i shouldnt comment until ive lived as long as her etc ... I told her that i do not need to live that long to know what is right and what is wrong ... After many arguments and emails/smses back and forth to her, she still thinks she isnt doing wrong .. it is killing me that she can be this stubborn.

I am so angry now, for the past days, I can not believe my mother can do this to my dad and her kids, the betrayal i feel is insane. I do not want to ruin the family even more and tell my dad .. i also cant tell my brother as he is younger and i do not want to burden him with this knowledge.

I just do not know what to do ... I have lost so much respect and trust for my mother ... I hate her even sometimes.

Has anyone gone through this before? Im in need of advice. Thks.

[chairmanK]

So basically, I am the only one that knows that my mom is cheating with another man.

Has anyone gone through this before? Im in need of advice. Thks.

I haven't been through this with my own family, but I do have advice: please don't scold your mother. You don't know what it feels like to be in your parents' marriage. You don't know how she feels.

Why do you feel betrayed? Has she neglected her obligations as a mother to you or your siblings? Has she abandoned you and adopted some stranger's children as her own? She is still the same mother to you, right? And if your father doesn't know - well, then it doesn't hurt him.

Your only valid grievance is that your mother didn't conceal this secret from you. You should demand that she absolutely hide it from you in the future, so that you never have to think about it again. I hope that eventually you will be able to carry this secret without feeling burdened. The longer that you keep a secret, the easier it is to forget about.

[taemoo]

Why do you feel betrayed? Has she neglected her obligations as a mother to you or your siblings? Has she abandoned you and adopted some stranger's children as her own? She is still the same mother to you, right? And if your father doesn't know - well, then it doesn't hurt him.

I have to disagree here, the mother is obviously neglecting her obligations. One of the main job of a mother or a father is to pass on good values to their kids. The mother is cheating and lying to her family and more so to herself, this is a dereliction of duty in my opinion. The above poster knows what is right and wrong...the poster didn't learn this from her mother because the mother is so in the wrong.

If the mother is deluded and thinks that the other married guy is her soulmate, fine. She should end her current relationship before she starts a new one. Both divorce and staying in a loveless marriage sucks, but I believe divorce is so much better for everyone in the long run...even for the kids...at least the people involved are honest with the situation.

[jaeterius]

I haven't been through this with my own family, but I do have advice: please don't scold your mother. You don't know what it feels like to be in your parents' marriage. You don't know how she feels.

Why do you feel betrayed? Has she neglected her obligations as a mother to you or your siblings? Has she abandoned you and adopted some stranger's children as her own? She is still the same mother to you, right? And if your father doesn't know - well, then it doesn't hurt him.

Your only valid grievance is that your mother didn't conceal this secret from you. You should demand that she absolutely hide it from you in the future, so that you never have to think about it again. I hope that eventually you will be able to carry this secret without feeling burdened. The longer that you keep a secret, the easier it is to forget about.

my thoughts exactly.

thanks chairmank.

[donporkuloin]

Your only valid grievance is that your mother didn't conceal this secret from you. You should demand that she absolutely hide it from you in the future, so that you never have to think about it again. I hope that eventually you will be able to carry this secret without feeling burdened. The longer that you keep a secret, the easier it is to forget about.

I mean no offense to you chairmanK, but what you said was pretty flippin stupid. I have been through a somewhat similar scenario. Demand that she keep it a secret. That's seriously dumb. It's saying we're just gonna lie, pretend it doesn't exist, and everything will be ok. If you were being cheated on you would definitely want to know. By hiding it what type of values is she setting for her kids? Her mom to say that since she's 24 and she doesn't know much about life. That's the mother saying I'm guilty, but I'm going to try to tell you otherwise. At the end of the day there's a difference between right and wrong.

Aussie Honkie: My suggestion is give your mom so many days(reasonable amount) to let her husband know, or tell him if she doesn't tell him within the time period you set for him, because he deserves to know.

[2random4u]

i'm bored and procrastinating so here goes...

is it wrong for me to be trying to ask out a girl who is 17? i mean, i'm 20, but it's not like if we went out i'd be out for sex. i really like her because she's a cool laid-back person and she's really cute.

its not wrong for you to like someone who is 3 yrs younger then you. And you motive seems to be a good one, since you are not looking for just sex.
I have had this problem in the past where i dated someone 6yrs younger then me .. at first i didnt know what to think because she had lied about her age to me. When i found out about here real age i was kinda shocked but i didnt care because my feelings towards her. we dated for about 4 yrs and lived together. I later then reliezed how immature she was and all the hardships i went through.
But dating younger ppl can have its downs. She is still young and hasnt explored the adult life. What will happen when shes 21 and wants to go out and party? is she someone you can trust and not get jealous of?
ppl change as they get older and want to explore. is she a virgin?
err sorry im not good at typing this kinda stuff out. but i have been through so many relationships. where i have been the bad guy and good guy (as in i used to play girls so much and now i am a decent guy who gives each relationship its all) i have dated girls of various ages the youngest being 6yrs younger and the oldest being 11 yrs older then me. i know ppl say they have been through a lot but most ppl ,and im not proud to say this either, havent been in the middle of an affair which i was the guy the girl was cheating on her husband.

but overall do you really like her and think you can make her happy? to me i say and excuse my french john tesh age differences. if you two are happy together then be together. i dont know your situation that much but i believe that you have good intentions for her so i say give it a shot.

dont know hope this helps if you have any other questions feel free to ask =)'

david

[[HyuNi]]

well, my parents always did joke that they found me under the bridge. i gather that korean parents think this is a funny thing to say to their kids.

I don't know if you know this, but it's a pun on words.

They say, "We picked you up from under a (dah lee)," right?

dah lee = bridge, but it also means legs.
So unless your mother had a caesarean section, she speaks the truth!

I didn't realize it for a while, and before I figured it out, I thought it was really nice of them to take me under their wing and raise me.

But as for that below, I don't really know. haha

my dad used to roll me up in a blanket... but then he'd take the ends and swing me around like some kind of amusement park ride. i LOVED that.

This may sound kinda stupid, but if I was a kid, I think I would have really enjoyed that, albeit being dangerous.

-John

[melkimx]

I don't know if you know this, but it's a pun on words.

They say, "We picked you up from under a (dah lee)," right?

dah lee = bridge, but it also means legs.
So unless your mother had a caesarean section, she speaks the truth!

I didn't realize it for a while, and before I figured it out, I thought it was really nice of them to take me under their wing and raise me.

hahaha yeah! someone finally told me that when i was an adult... so like fifteen years too late. but if you don't speak much korean (which i don't), and your parents are translating it from korean (which they were), then "we found you under the bridge" just comes off as a really mean joke that makes the kids cry... or in your case, i guess not! (and i was born c-section hehe)

[k1D3Ck]

Anyone else only running into people who are in relationships.

[saigon]

The older i get the harder it is to believe that people were meant to be well... married. I'm currently a 23 year old male, so the prospect of marriage, while far-off, still enters my thoughts in a daily basis. Friends call from both genders berating their girlfriends/boyfriends relentlessly, and divorce statistics alone have pretty much affirmed what i always thought. I definitely want children, and i'm pretty confident I'll be a GREAT dad, but i'm not so sure about a wife. I fall in love-whatever that means- but I can also be extremely fickle. Any psych 101 course will tell you that "love" per se usually lasts no longer than 2 years, and that the institution of marriage is in reality a rote re-enactment of ritualistic acts set by our forefathers. And besides, to simplify the argument, I'm horny. My friends and I are regarded by most to be well-mannered, but when we see our parents or other married couples who have stayed with each other for 30-40 years, we don't think, "wow, the husband must really love his wife." We think, 1) the guy has no sex drive, 2) he's already cheated 1-? times, and his wife has forgiven him, and the situation has hushed up, or 3) he's somehow developed the discipline to keep his penis under wraps for the majority of his biological life.

One of my fem. friends actually agreed with me, and she said she'll probably just try to have a couple of threesomes each year just to spice things up, while still keeping her as the main role in her husband's sexual fantasies. I'm not sure how that'll fly in reality. I can imagine myself loving someone, but having random partners just once or twice a year. I know I sound like a complete jackass, but i really am a well-mannered, super-nice guy. It's just that I'm also a pragmatist, and I've been thinking long and hard about the dilemma facing all men in a monogamous relationship. I'd also like to hear from females too.

[Faa]

Well, to start with, you know it's not just men who have sex drives.....
Apart from those comments you made, I largely agree with you. I'm a woman and I don't see myself ever getting married. If I did, it would be under the condition that we were both still free to do what we want. So long as you're honest about things with your partner I don't see a problem with it.
Then again, I'm still relatively young (22) perhaps in 10 years I wont have the desire to have more than one sexual partner. Meh, who knows.

[system]

Anyone else only running into people who are in relationships.

Pretty much everyone around me is in a relationship.
Unless your talking about meeting someone who could be the love-of-your-life and only to realize that he/she is already in a relationship.
Then again, I always rephrase this.
"You can still score even if there's a goalkeeper." (골키퍼가 있어도 골은 들어가.)

[little mixed girl]

saigon, that sounds...really flaky to me.

you want kids, but you want to jump around from woman to woman?
so, you get tired of that person after 2 years and toss them aside and find a new woman? what about your kids? you going to get tired of them after a year or two and toss them aside, and make some new ones with a new woman?

if you want kids, then you have to try and provide them with some type of steady home. and jumping from woman to woman is not healthy for the kids.

i still don't get why you are saying you can't stay committed. is it because you want sex with a bunch of people? you think a different person will be more exciting?

what's with people and sex? especially guys. you guys can sit around and jack off whenever you want. why aren't you happy with that.

i dunno, saigon, your whole post sounds selfish. i am not looking to get married, and i don't see myself getting married; but you can't expect to be in a relationship with a girl and have her not feel anything about you going off doing other chicks.
would you be fine if your wife had boyfriends on the side to spice up her life while she was with you?

[saigon]

First of all, faa, you don't have to disagree with me on that issue. I thought including my discussion with my fem. friend was enough to show that I know women have sex drives... a LOT. It's just that i have many more guy friends, so i can only confidently talk about the general thoughts of the male gender. Whatever applies to guys that i write applies to girls as well.

And littlemixedgirl, of course it sounds flaky, that's the reason why i brought it up. We're talking strictly about hedonistic desires having a tensile relationship with social conventions, and I'm simply trying to have a discussion about this. Our moral and ethical codes don't mesh well with this line of thought, but when i look around me, it's very difficult to think that humans as a whole were/are meant to be monogamous. Even evolutionary biology as well as basic psychology has taught that monogamy is unnatural when we place it in a sexual context. If i have a wife/life partner who i believe is the "one for me," i believe in monogamy. I believe that we can live and die together. However, sexually? I'm not so sure about that. I'm not suggesting that we all just go sleep around with each other, but i don't think that it's a tremendous aberration to perhaps have experiences with/including other sexual partners every year or so.

I mean... for god's sake just look at the numerous, numerous statistics that actually have a reputable staff, concrete methodology, and a representative sample. Even barring the divorce rates, the result is an emphatic: EVERYONE'S CHEATING... well, almost everyone. My dad's cheated, virtually all of my friends' fathers have cheated, mothers cheat. According to statistics, it's very likely that your parents have cheated with one another. I'm not trying to use numbers to support the legitimacy of my claim- that would be a logical fallacy. I'm actually not even making a claim at all. I'm just pointing to recent trends in "life partnerships" that points to marriages as an institution perhaps being outdated.

Honesty, I'm not even sure we're having an intelligent conversation here, because both of the people who have responded to my post has pointed to some underlying chauvinism that frankly doesn't exist at all. I'm not trying to justify "cheating." I've never cheated, so I don't have to defend myself. It's just that half a century with someone is a REALLY REALLY long time. I may not be an equal rights activist in the sense that i go out with signs on the street shouting slogans, but I'm definitely equal rights. I even read my original post twice to make certain that it doesn't offend female readers. You guys are coming into the discussion with a faulty assumption, which makes me think that your responses are distorted by who you think I personally am. I don't go sleeping or flirting around, and I'm not that hedonistic (I believe that there should be a ceiling in bequeathals).

I just think that social conventions surrounding marriage as a whole are simply wrong, and like all other social institutions will be modified. I mean... let's be honest here. How many parents after 10 years of marriage look at each other with passion? Not too many. How many view their marriage as a simple phase of life: most.

[donporkuloin]

saigon: I read your post, and I can't get with what your talking about. It's just like you're saying what you're saying to stir up contraversy, or something.

To say something like, "I definitely want children, and i'm pretty confident I'll be a GREAT dad, but i'm not so sure about a wife."


If you feel that way? Just go get some chick pregnant, gear up for child support payments, and weekend visits with your kid.

Then to say that, "If i have a wife/life partner who i believe is the "one for me," i believe in monogamy. I believe that we can live and die together. However, sexually? I'm not so sure about that. I'm not suggesting that we all just go sleep around with each other, but i don't think that it's a tremendous aberration to perhaps have experiences with/including other sexual partners every year or so."

I mean gee doesn't that sound funny to say hey.. Brenda I'm not loving you a lot this time of year so I'm going to go have sex with Sara. You wanna come? I mean doesn't that sound off to you? What if you had a gf and she went out with other guys regularly?


My comments are not distorted by who I think you are. I'm just reading what you posted, and reacting to it. Simple as that.

[duykato]

^--- You sound crazy smart.

Just the other day. On my way to Starbucks..I saw a super old couple holding hands. That gave me hope for the world.

[sasuke-kun]

saigon... all i have to say is... that is SO messed up... i mean, if you and your "wife" are into that sorta stuff go ahead, but im guessing the majority of the population don't think they way you do. if you need other women to please you, youre just being selfish, esp toward your wife. theres no point in marriage then.

[klx13]

The older i get the harder it is to believe that people were meant to be well... married. I'm currently a 23 year old male, so the prospect of marriage, while far-off, still enters my thoughts in a daily basis. Friends call from both genders berating their girlfriends/boyfriends relentlessly, and divorce statistics alone have pretty much affirmed what i always thought. I definitely want children, and i'm pretty confident I'll be a GREAT dad, but i'm not so sure about a wife. I fall in love-whatever that means- but I can also be extremely fickle. Any psych 101 course will tell you that "love" per se usually lasts no longer than 2 years, and that the institution of marriage is in reality a rote re-enactment of ritualistic acts set by our forefathers. And besides, to simplify the argument, I'm horny. My friends and I are regarded by most to be well-mannered, but when we see our parents or other married couples who have stayed with each other for 30-40 years, we don't think, "wow, the husband must really love his wife." We think, 1) the guy has no sex drive, 2) he's already cheated 1-? times, and his wife has forgiven him, and the situation has hushed up, or 3) he's somehow developed the discipline to keep his penis under wraps for the majority of his biological life.

One of my fem. friends actually agreed with me, and she said she'll probably just try to have a couple of threesomes each year just to spice things up, while still keeping her as the main role in her husband's sexual fantasies. I'm not sure how that'll fly in reality. I can imagine myself loving someone, but having random partners just once or twice a year. I know I sound like a complete jackass, but i really am a well-mannered, super-nice guy. It's just that I'm also a pragmatist, and I've been thinking long and hard about the dilemma facing all men in a monogamous relationship. I'd also like to hear from females too.

In a way, I understand what you're saying. Basically, we are all kind of like animals. We have desires, we want to have variety and spice in our sex lives with whoever we want, whenever we want. Monogamy = monotony, right? But at the same time, what makes us truly human is our ability to reason and think and feel. Does sex in it of itself truly make you happy? Sure it's enjoyable for that brief period of time, but I really don't believe it can make you happy in the long term. You will always be left searching for something else, something better-- and you'll never find it.

Marriage is a social convention in a way. It creates stability, and families. What would society be like if people just had kids whenever with whoever and just left them running around? The purpose of a family is to create a stable environment to raise a child. Marriage is an important component of this... sure, marriage is just a piece of paper. But it's meaningful to people, because it states in writing that they've made a legal (and emotional) commitment to each other. It's about caring about someone else, maybe more than yourself, and giving up a bit of your own selfishness (which is the selfishness of youth). Same thing with having kids. You say you'd make a great dad... but if you can't even make a commitment to your wife, how can you make a commitment to a child? Who's to say you won't just run away when things get tough or when you're not super happy?

[chairmanK]

I just think that social conventions surrounding marriage as a whole are simply wrong, and like all other social institutions will be modified. I mean... let's be honest here. How many parents after 10 years of marriage look at each other with passion? Not too many. How many view their marriage as a simple phase of life: most.

I understand your argument. Social conventions about marriage have not been the same across all times and places. I imagine that you would be satisfied with concubines (if you could afford to support them). Unfortunately for you, concubinage went out of fashion long ago.

You say you'd make a great dad... but if you can't even make a commitment to your wife, how can you make a commitment to a child? Who's to say you won't just run away when things get tough or when you're not super happy?

Sociobiological argument: your children carry your genes; your spouse does not. It's plausible to me that someone could be a great dad but a lousy husband. Consider how many divorced parents hate each other, yet still love the children they have together.

[incyphe]

The older i get the harder it is to believe that people were meant to be well... married. I'm currently a 23 year old male, so the prospect of marriage, while far-off, still enters my thoughts in a daily basis. Friends call from both genders berating their girlfriends/boyfriends relentlessly, and divorce statistics alone have pretty much affirmed what i always thought. I definitely want children, and i'm pretty confident I'll be a GREAT dad, but i'm not so sure about a wife. I fall in love-whatever that means- but I can also be extremely fickle. Any psych 101 course will tell you that "love" per se usually lasts no longer than 2 years, and that the institution of marriage is in reality a rote re-enactment of ritualistic acts set by our forefathers. And besides, to simplify the argument, I'm horny. My friends and I are regarded by most to be well-mannered, but when we see our parents or other married couples who have stayed with each other for 30-40 years, we don't think, "wow, the husband must really love his wife." We think, 1) the guy has no sex drive, 2) he's already cheated 1-? times, and his wife has forgiven him, and the situation has hushed up, or 3) he's somehow developed the discipline to keep his penis under wraps for the majority of his biological life.

One of my fem. friends actually agreed with me, and she said she'll probably just try to have a couple of threesomes each year just to spice things up, while still keeping her as the main role in her husband's sexual fantasies. I'm not sure how that'll fly in reality. I can imagine myself loving someone, but having random partners just once or twice a year. I know I sound like a complete jackass, but i really am a well-mannered, super-nice guy. It's just that I'm also a pragmatist, and I've been thinking long and hard about the dilemma facing all men in a monogamous relationship. I'd also like to hear from females too.

I'm just curious... what's the longest you've been in a relationship?