[mickey012]

would a girl cook a meal (could be quick/simple) for a guy whom she is not romantically interested in???

the answers:
1. HECK NO! she's interested
2. SURE! if you were a good friend, she'd bake you cookies too!!
3. CANT REALLY TELL... depends on the situation!

i go with 2...i've had guy friends cook for me & in my defense, i would have if i wouldn't burn down the kitchen... --;; BUT! i AM learning how to cook now since i'm really living on my own...so i wouldn't mind cooking for other people...even if it's a guy friend. besides, i've baked TONS of times for my guy friends since i've always liked baking more than cooking...and i do have a boyfriend...so i really don't think cooking/baking has anything to do with romantic desires... =)

dilemna: how do I know when I'm headed towards the "friends-with-benefits" path? (A path I do not want to take).

One of my guy friends always called me "cute" and "really cool" in passing, however it never went beyond that. But in October and part of November, we've hung out aloooot and we always have a great time and we learned even more about each other and it's freaky how many odd quirks we have in common. Well one thing led to another and we hooked up a few times, hung out, talked on the phone or online, and then one night we ended up sleeping together. It was not even the least bit awkward before/during/after which suprised me. He admitted that he found me really attractive and had fun with me and liked things about me but the thing that bothered me was that he didnt actually come out and say he liked me directly. so i figure he doesnt. and then we hung out (no hooking up) and talked and had a fun time a week after that but then it bugged me that he never brought up the other times we got intimate which led me to think maybe to him this is what we'll be? so i decided to (nicely) tell him that i dont do random hookups and this was all new to me and he was somewhat offended that i was implying that he was the scumbag..he took it well though and told me that he didnt think of me as "easy" just because we had sex and he enjoyed spending time with me and it was as simple as that and for me not to be afraid to approach him to hang out in the future. well I waited a week before i asked him to go to a lounge one night (he wasn't into that scene but i just wanted to see if he would come just cuz I was there) but he said he didn't want to do that but he mentioned again that if i wanted to do something more laid-back (lunch/dinner) then he'd come out for that. well we havent spoken to each other since then and its WEIRD. I know he is in grad school and has tons of work to do (especially since we spent so much time together, he fell behind on his schoolwork) but the thing is...I think he's avoiding me? I get the feeling he's not looking for a relationship (trouble is, the thought has crossed my mind a few times..) and what if he was turned off by my confrontation? I hate to think that a friend of mine decided not to hang out with me anymore because he could no longer benefit from it..I hate thinking so negatively but I can't help it. I just want my friend back =T I dont know how or if its even worth it.

it sounds to me that you never _really_ had a talk with him about it yet. if you really want to know whether he's avoiding you cuz he doesn't want a commitment, then just outright ASK him. at least that way you don't have to wonder about it and have it bother you when you can get the truth from him. besides, it's much better if you can maintain a friendship even if this whole relationship doesn't work out, right? (no i don't mean the benefit part, just friends)

[chumchumree]

I would really appreciate any advice - thanks in advance... My bf and I broke up 2 months ago, he got a job temporarily on the West Coast, and he'll be coming back in January. I was really upset when we broke up - he said it was because he wasn't sure if he cared anymore, especially because we were always fighting. We would fight because I was never really sure about the relationship and would go back and forth on whether I wanted to be committed. (This going back and forth was for a year - and he was always the one to persuade me to come back to it, etc.) Of course, when this happened I realized how much I did care, and that I was just insecure because I liked having the power of a one-sided relationship, and it was me complaining that he was drawing away. (Yes I can admit that).
Anyway, after about a few weeks of me being pathetic, then he started talking to me again, saying that he hoped that we could work it out when he came back. I guess then it became a "break". So we've been talking since then - just keeping in touch, etc. I've visited him twice. I don't know if it's me being insecure again, but I feel like he's drawing away. And he said that he wanted to try again, but he's not sure what will happen.
Does that sound like a disclaimer? Like is it worth trying again, if someone's not sure what will happen? I mean I used to say that all the time, but he never used to say that. I thought it would be if you really cared for someone, it has to work. I'm not sure what to think, because I don't want to be waiting emotionally for someone who's not sure. He says that it's not that he doesn't want it, it's just that he's not sure. I feel like those two things are really related... what do you guys think?

dilemna: how do I know when I'm headed towards the "friends-with-benefits" path? (A path I do not want to take).

One of my guy friends always called me "cute" and "really cool" in passing, however it never went beyond that. But in October and part of November, we've hung out aloooot and we always have a great time and we learned even more about each other and it's freaky how many odd quirks we have in common. Well one thing led to another and we hooked up a few times, hung out, talked on the phone or online, and then one night we ended up sleeping together. It was not even the least bit awkward before/during/after which suprised me. He admitted that he found me really attractive and had fun with me and liked things about me but the thing that bothered me was that he didnt actually come out and say he liked me directly. so i figure he doesnt. and then we hung out (no hooking up) and talked and had a fun time a week after that but then it bugged me that he never brought up the other times we got intimate which led me to think maybe to him this is what we'll be? so i decided to (nicely) tell him that i dont do random hookups and this was all new to me and he was somewhat offended that i was implying that he was the scumbag..he took it well though and told me that he didnt think of me as "easy" just because we had sex and he enjoyed spending time with me and it was as simple as that and for me not to be afraid to approach him to hang out in the future. well I waited a week before i asked him to go to a lounge one night (he wasn't into that scene but i just wanted to see if he would come just cuz I was there) but he said he didn't want to do that but he mentioned again that if i wanted to do something more laid-back (lunch/dinner) then he'd come out for that. well we havent spoken to each other since then and its WEIRD. I know he is in grad school and has tons of work to do (especially since we spent so much time together, he fell behind on his schoolwork) but the thing is...I think he's avoiding me? I get the feeling he's not looking for a relationship (trouble is, the thought has crossed my mind a few times..) and what if he was turned off by my confrontation? I hate to think that a friend of mine decided not to hang out with me anymore because he could no longer benefit from it..I hate thinking so negatively but I can't help it. I just want my friend back =T I dont know how or if its even worth it.

hrm.. I agree that you should just talk to him I doubt, if he's your friend that he would be the type of guy to not spend time with you cause he couldn't have sex with you. I'm sure you'd have figured that out earlier on... maybe he does like you, just all the comments / etc, but then again that's just more confusing mind things that you can't know until you actually talk to him.

[Chiyori]

I would really appreciate any advice - thanks in advance... My bf and I broke up 2 months ago, he got a job temporarily on the West Coast, and he'll be coming back in January. I was really upset when we broke up - he said it was because he wasn't sure if he cared anymore, especially because we were always fighting. We would fight because I was never really sure about the relationship and would go back and forth on whether I wanted to be committed. (This going back and forth was for a year - and he was always the one to persuade me to come back to it, etc.) Of course, when this happened I realized how much I did care, and that I was just insecure because I liked having the power of a one-sided relationship, and it was me complaining that he was drawing away. (Yes I can admit that).
Anyway, after about a few weeks of me being pathetic, then he started talking to me again, saying that he hoped that we could work it out when he came back. I guess then it became a "break". So we've been talking since then - just keeping in touch, etc. I've visited him twice. I don't know if it's me being insecure again, but I feel like he's drawing away. And he said that he wanted to try again, but he's not sure what will happen.
Does that sound like a disclaimer? Like is it worth trying again, if someone's not sure what will happen? I mean I used to say that all the time, but he never used to say that. I thought it would be if you really cared for someone, it has to work. I'm not sure what to think, because I don't want to be waiting emotionally for someone who's not sure. He says that it's not that he doesn't want it, it's just that he's not sure. I feel like those two things are really related... what do you guys think?

I think you have to consider things from his perspective. As you said, he was always the one to hang on to the relationship when you wanted to end it. He has been hanging onto this relationship for a year. People can't continue going through that kind of stress forever. He has probably reached a point where hes tired of it and is actually considering the fact that it's too much for him. You should give him some space. The reason why he's saying that hes not sure what will happen, is probably because hes afaid of a repeat of whats happened before. He will probably be expecting more commitment from you second time around.. and if you strike a nerve again - that possibly reminds him of whats happened in the past - He'll most likely break it off in a flash and never look back.

Don't feel that hes drawing away. Isn't it natural for him to be cautious? he doesn't want to be too close when theres not supposed to be anything between you guys right now.

Think about it carefully. How much are you willing to put into this relationship? Maybe you guys need to make it clear to each other EXACTLY what each of you want from the relationship.. before starting anything again.

[HERMIT]

I would really appreciate any advice - thanks in advance... My bf and I broke up 2 months ago, he got a job temporarily on the West Coast, and he'll be coming back in January. I was really upset when we broke up - he said it was because he wasn't sure if he cared anymore, especially because we were always fighting. We would fight because I was never really sure about the relationship and would go back and forth on whether I wanted to be committed. (This going back and forth was for a year - and he was always the one to persuade me to come back to it, etc.) Of course, when this happened I realized how much I did care, and that I was just insecure because I liked having the power of a one-sided relationship, and it was me complaining that he was drawing away. (Yes I can admit that).
Anyway, after about a few weeks of me being pathetic, then he started talking to me again, saying that he hoped that we could work it out when he came back. I guess then it became a "break". So we've been talking since then - just keeping in touch, etc. I've visited him twice. I don't know if it's me being insecure again, but I feel like he's drawing away. And he said that he wanted to try again, but he's not sure what will happen.
Does that sound like a disclaimer? Like is it worth trying again, if someone's not sure what will happen? I mean I used to say that all the time, but he never used to say that. I thought it would be if you really cared for someone, it has to work. I'm not sure what to think, because I don't want to be waiting emotionally for someone who's not sure. He says that it's not that he doesn't want it, it's just that he's not sure. I feel like those two things are really related... what do you guys think?

It sounds like you're both caught in this same vicious cycle over and over again. If you think about it, there's reasonably only so much that a person can take of the "same ol' same ol'" and eventually come to a point when they just aren't as confident as before that they can overcome the obstacles to make a relationship work. I think he's come to that point and hence, his statement of uncertainty.

Curiously, instead of "absence making his heart grow fonder" while he was away on the west coast, maybe the opposite occured - and he's realizing maybe how much more peaceful his life is without this constant cycle of fighting, winning you back, fighting, etc.

I find it interesting that above, most of the fighting precipitated from your issues of wanting to be commited or not and feelings of insecurity - and each time, he's been the one to fight for the relationship and persuade you to come back. Meanwhile, you later state that you "don't want to be waiting emotionally for someone who's not sure". It sounds like the same thing can be said by your boyfried - only, given the history of all the in-fighting, I can see how he can justifiably feel that way and come to that point himself after all the fighting. Now, it seems like the shoe is ironically on the other foot.

Bottom line: I think if you want it to truly work, evaluate how much you really value being in a relationship and address the underlying issues regarding insecurity and commitment. And if you find that you ultimately want to stay in the relationship, stick to it and break this ongoing cycle you seem to catch yourselves falling into. Now that he's feeling uncertain, this could be your last chance.

[clockwatcher]

how about a quick poll!!!!

the question:
would a girl cook a meal (could be quick/simple) for a guy whom she is not romantically interested in???

the answers:
1. HECK NO! she's interested
2. SURE! if you were a good friend, she'd bake you cookies too!!
3. CANT REALLY TELL... depends on the situation!

#2. I used to do it a lot in my generous days.

[XxXrAtED]

how about a quick poll!!!!

the question:
would a girl cook a meal (could be quick/simple) for a guy whom she is not romantically interested in???

the answers:
1. HECK NO! she's interested
2. SURE! if you were a good friend, she'd bake you cookies too!!
3. CANT REALLY TELL... depends on the situation!

#3, but my personal experience leads towards #1. There's this saying, a great way to get to a guy's heart is through his stomach. I love to eat and have a soft spot for women who can handle themselves in the kitchen.

My current gf baked me cookies the first time we met. I was setup blind by my friend. We were out riding, and I was just following him. We wound up @ the upper east (NYC), and parked on 3rd ave. I thought my friend was meeting someone real quick. I was just sitting on my bike, doing a bit of posing and smiling at the girls walking by. Lo n behold, these 2 girls smiled back and started walking towards me. I was like...motorcycles are chick magnets . Then I realized they were actually smiling/walking towards my friend (he's behind me), with home made chocchip cookies in hand. We were introduced and it was on since.

On top of making incredible meals/desserts, etc, she totally stocked up my kitchen. I got a new saute pan, a new sauce pan, food processor, utensils, serving plates/dishes...etc. For thxgiving, she made ham, sweetpotato with mashmellows, fried onions w/stringbeans, stuffing, crepes+nutella, apple/banana/strawberry/whipped cream. She made me a pumpkin cheese cake yesterday.

I wake up in the morning, and she'd have a nice hot mug of tea, waffles, eggs, fruits waiting for me. It's simple, but there's a lot to be said about that.

[chumchumree]

It sounds like you're both caught in this same vicious cycle over and over again. If you think about it, there's reasonably only so much that a person can take of the "same ol' same ol'" and eventually come to a point when they just aren't as confident as before that they can overcome the obstacles to make a relationship work. I think he's come to that point and hence, his statement of uncertainty.

Curiously, instead of "absence making his heart grow fonder" while he was away on the west coast, maybe the opposite occured - and he's realizing maybe how much more peaceful his life is without this constant cycle of fighting, winning you back, fighting, etc.

I find it interesting that above, most of the fighting precipitated from your issues of wanting to be commited or not and feelings of insecurity - and each time, he's been the one to fight for the relationship and persuade you to come back. Meanwhile, you later state that you "don't want to be waiting emotionally for someone who's not sure". It sounds like the same thing can be said by your boyfried - only, given the history of all the in-fighting, I can see how he can justifiably feel that way and come to that point himself after all the fighting. Now, it seems like the shoe is ironically on the other foot.

Bottom line: I think if you want it to truly work, evaluate how much you really value being in a relationship and address the underlying issues regarding insecurity and commitment. And if you find that you ultimately want to stay in the relationship, stick to it and break this ongoing cycle you seem to catch yourselves falling into. Now that he's feeling uncertain, this could be your last chance.

thank you , yea i see what you're saying. It's a weird type of cycle, and it's also sadly ironic that it's biting me back. I guess I should take the time out now to figure out if I can be secure / happy, etc. I just hope that he'll be open to it? I don't know if I've missed my chance. I mean, if he believed in it so much before, then I hope it's possible to find that belief again.

I think you have to consider things from his perspective. As you said, he was always the one to hang on to the relationship when you wanted to end it. He has been hanging onto this relationship for a year. People can't continue going through that kind of stress forever. He has probably reached a point where hes tired of it and is actually considering the fact that it's too much for him. You should give him some space. The reason why he's saying that hes not sure what will happen, is probably because hes afaid of a repeat of whats happened before. He will probably be expecting more commitment from you second time around.. and if you strike a nerve again - that possibly reminds him of whats happened in the past - He'll most likely break it off in a flash and never look back.

Don't feel that hes drawing away. Isn't it natural for him to be cautious? he doesn't want to be too close when theres not supposed to be anything between you guys right now.

Think about it carefully. How much are you willing to put into this relationship? Maybe you guys need to make it clear to each other EXACTLY what each of you want from the relationship.. before starting anything again.

thanks =] I'm willing to put in a lot, I guess in a way I learned a lot from it, and how much I valued what we did have. But I also don't want to tell him that explicitly, because then I think it sounds kinda condescending. I hope he still sees what he did before, or at least didn't forget about it... I guess I'll just be patient, but I wonder how long I'm supposed to wait. Yea I guess it's natural for him to be cautious, it was just strange to hear because he never used to say that.

[Tuffcore]

Another POLL - For all those in a relationship but not married.
Which of the following best describes money in your relationship?

1. My money is my money, her/his money is her/his money.
2. My money is my money, her/his money is my money.
3. My money is her/his money, her/his money is her/his money.

Please state your gender, length of relationship, how this money situation became so, and your level of happiness with your situation.
Thanks.

[Chiyori]

Another POLL - For all those in a relationship but not married.
Which of the follow best describes money in your relationship?

1. My money is my money, her/his money is her/his money.
2. My money is my money, her/his money is my money.
3. My money is her/his money, her/his money is her/his money.

Please state your gender, length of relationship, how this money situation became so, and your level of happiness with your situation.
Thanks.

None of the above really, but if you insist... between 1 and 2.

We're currently not married but living together.
I spend my money on what I want and he spends his money on what he wants.
I don't usually ask him to buy me stuff or for pocket money. Sometimes however, I pay for some things like groceries but in most cases he pays and he also pays 9/10 times when we eat out.
We also lend money to each other sometimes and don't really ask for it back.

Gender: Female
Lenth of relationship: 4.5 years
Happiness: 10/10

I'm not sure why it's this way, but I guess he feels it's his duty to be a provider. Most likely when we get married, all the money will be mine.. cos thats just how Korean marriages work .. wife manages the home, therefore wife has control of the money.

[sugarcakes]

dilemna: how do I know when I'm headed towards the "friends-with-benefits" path? (A path I do not want to take).

One of my guy friends always called me "cute" and "really cool" in passing, however it never went beyond that. But in October and part of November, we've hung out aloooot and we always have a great time and we learned even more about each other and it's freaky how many odd quirks we have in common. Well one thing led to another and we hooked up a few times, hung out, talked on the phone or online, and then one night we ended up sleeping together. It was not even the least bit awkward before/during/after which suprised me. He admitted that he found me really attractive and had fun with me and liked things about me but the thing that bothered me was that he didnt actually come out and say he liked me directly. so i figure he doesnt. and then we hung out (no hooking up) and talked and had a fun time a week after that but then it bugged me that he never brought up the other times we got intimate which led me to think maybe to him this is what we'll be? so i decided to (nicely) tell him that i dont do random hookups and this was all new to me and he was somewhat offended that i was implying that he was the scumbag..he took it well though and told me that he didnt think of me as "easy" just because we had sex and he enjoyed spending time with me and it was as simple as that and for me not to be afraid to approach him to hang out in the future. well I waited a week before i asked him to go to a lounge one night (he wasn't into that scene but i just wanted to see if he would come just cuz I was there) but he said he didn't want to do that but he mentioned again that if i wanted to do something more laid-back (lunch/dinner) then he'd come out for that. well we havent spoken to each other since then and its WEIRD. I know he is in grad school and has tons of work to do (especially since we spent so much time together, he fell behind on his schoolwork) but the thing is...I think he's avoiding me? I get the feeling he's not looking for a relationship (trouble is, the thought has crossed my mind a few times..) and what if he was turned off by my confrontation? I hate to think that a friend of mine decided not to hang out with me anymore because he could no longer benefit from it..I hate thinking so negatively but I can't help it. I just want my friend back =T I dont know how or if its even worth it.

It sounds to me that you two had/have a great time together, he's not sure how he should act because it's hard to step back in the friends pool once you've been intimate; but the way I see is that no matter how busy a man is, if he's interested (romantically or just friends), he'll let you know one way or another.

In the mean time, just do your thing. If it really bugs you that much, let him know, whether he chose to respond or not, the ball's in his court, either way, you know you've made the effort.

[watcher]

I'm not sure why it's this way, but I guess he feels it's his duty to be a provider. Most likely when we get married, all the money will be mine.. cos thats just how Korean marriages work .. wife manages the home, therefore wife has control of the money.

i think lots of guys feel the duty to be a provider, but there's also guys that just feel like giving. it makes them happy to see their loved one happy because of what they offered.

[Tuffcore]

None of the above really, but if you insist... between 1 and 2.

We're currently not married but living together.
I spend my money on what I want and he spends his money on what he wants.
I don't usually ask him to buy me stuff or for pocket money. Sometimes however, I pay for some things like groceries but in most cases he pays and he also pays 9/10 times when we eat out.
We also lend money to each other sometimes and don't really ask for it back.

Gender: Female
Lenth of relationship: 4.5 years
Happiness: 10/10

I'm not sure why it's this way, but I guess he feels it's his duty to be a provider. Most likely when we get married, all the money will be mine.. cos thats just how Korean marriages work .. wife manages the home, therefore wife has control of the money.

What about for big ticket items like, registering for a $400 class at school? Going to Vegas for a weekend? paying rent? paying for the car?

[HERMIT]

Damn, I'm not even in a relationship and I'm like "what money?"

[Tuffcore]

Damn, I'm not even in a relationship and I'm like "what money?"

Forgot about choice #4.

4. My money is the government's money. The government's money is the government's money.

[HERMIT]

Forgot about choice #4.

4. My money is the government's money. The government's money is the government's money.

^
Good point.

Sheesh, I didn't even realize I was in a sexual relationship and here I've been, getting screwed all these years.

[Tuffcore]

^
Good point.

Sheesh, I didn't even realize I was in a sexual relationship and here I've been, getting screwed all these years.

They win your house with artificial charisma and broken promises. They cheat, lie, take your money, and disappear after four years...



...I'm talking about the government of course.

[Faa]

Forgot about choice #4.

4. My money is the government's money. The government's money is the government's money.

Hahahaha, that's been me for the last 4 years. Thank you, Youth Allowance.

[B0hemian_Sprite]

I know this is a love/relationship forum...so I hope you guys don't mind me ranting just a little bit.

I don't understand how or WHY anyone would want to hurt someone that they've loved and claim to still love. WHY must you threaten them, why must you threaten to hurt their friends, what gives you the right to sexually assault someone else and make them feel like it's all their fault, when it is CLEARLY NOT. and how DARE you actually convince the poor girl into believing that this is the only rightful way to be punished. HOW DARE YOU. You motherjohn teshing piece of mini cooper, burn in hell. You are a worthless human being, with a sick, sick, twisted, mind. You are everything that a person should not be.

For the girl (for all the girls)...I may not know you, but I sympathize and wish you all the strength, bravery, and knowledge that it is not your fault.

[watcher]

I know this is a love/relationship forum...so I hope you guys don't mind me ranting just a little bit.

I don't understand how or WHY anyone would want to hurt someone that they've loved and claim to still love. WHY must you threaten them, why must you threaten to hurt their friends, what gives you the right to sexually assault someone else and make them feel like it's all their fault, when it is CLEARLY NOT. and how DARE you actually convince the poor girl into believing that this is the only rightful way to be punished. HOW DARE YOU. You motherjohn teshing piece of mini cooper, burn in hell. You are a worthless human being, with a sick, sick, twisted, mind. You are everything that a person should not be.

For the girl (for all the girls)...I may not know you, but I sympathize and wish you all the strength, bravery, and knowledge that it is not your fault.

some people have a perverse concept of what love really is...

[caritas]

I'm trying to help out my cousin....

My cousin is a Female.
She and her ex broke up for a while now... (roughly its been 2 months...I'm talking about the breakup)
She dated before, but was never serious...
This time it was really serious.....
They dated for a 1 year and several months +.

She is still friends with her ex....
I mean really close friends....

After what her ex did and everything...
Cocky after he got his BS
Cheated several times...
Nickname her "Stupid"; because she lack brains in school
How can you be friends with a guy like this???

I believe that she is still friends with her ex because she still likes him. Even though she says she doesn't.
This is her first serious relationship.... I don't blame her....
It's been 2 months now... she should move on at least....


How many of you are still friends with your ex's? (close friends)
Do you think of this friendship weird?
How would you feel if you and your ex are still very close friends even after what you both have gone thru?


-----------
your probably wondering this isn't my business....
but I just want what's best for her....
even though she says she's fine.... and its all in the past...
she says she forgive him but she won't forget...

BULL! I really think she still likes him.

btw, he's 23... will be 24 soon
she's 20.... and will be 21 soon

she's also a member of soompi...however, he is not a member.
and probably kill me after I post this up...
but I just want to find out what are your opinions....

C'mon if your male friend is really close to his exgf after he cheated on her several times and call her stupid because she is having a hard time in school...wouldn't you think this is a weird friendship after the break up?