[Tuffcore]

You don't live with her currently, do you? My advice is is much easier to follow if you don't live with her: Dump her and cut off all contact. Right now. And call the police if she gets violent.

If you can't do this, then you are a weakling and need to suffer more until you learn to respect yourself.

I don't know how serious this opinion is but let me first apologize for my comments directed at you from months ago in this thread. Maybe you've forgotten about it or maybe not. Maybe I'm forgiven or maybe not. Nonetheless, sorry about that.

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Thanks for all the advice. Obviously, i've learned a lot out of this ordeal. Here are a few things i'd like to share with everyone.

1. Cultural Differences in a Relationship
As an introduction, I'm Chinese born and raised in Canada. She's Chinese born and raised in China. We're both currently living in Canada.

The long story short, there is an expected role a person has to play in a relationship that is often unseen and unasked for. The basic difference between myself and this girl may be cultural more than anything else. I, much like most Canadians (and North American people) seek an equal partner in my journey of life. She, much like most non-North Americans, want a father figure to care for her till eternity.

Kids in North America are raised to believe that men and women are equal. Women want to contribute as an equal, have equal say, be treated like an equal. Men and women will therefore expect an equal partner in a relationship. Someone who they can partner with and grow with to achieve common goals.

Kids in most other parts of the world are raised to believe that men and women are unequal. Women have stereotypical roles. Men have stereotypical roles. Men and women will therefore expect a non-equal partner in a relationship. A man is usually expected to be a father-figure and handle all major affairs of the family while a woman is usually expected to handle minor family issues.

I didn't understand these concepts at first and had to learn everything the hard way, unguided, and on the go. I thought love conquers all but in reality, not really. My relationship has suffered near irreparable damage as a result of not knowing about these cultural differences before hand. Don't let this happen to you. Be knowledgeable about cultural clashes and understand what it means for you and your partner.

2. Don't Supplicate Women (especially when you seek equality in a relationship)
I supplicated her. I did almost everything she asked me to do. She loved it. Her culture teaches her that I am her dream man.

All i got in return though were more challenges, tests of love, more requests for favors, and no appreciation.

I don't think this needs much more explaining. This one is easy to say but hard to do.

3. Know EXACTLY What You Want In a Relationship BEFORE You Get Into One
Clarity is powerful.

Before my relationship began with my current girlfriend, i think i really just wanted any relationship. Literally. As a result, i got what i asked for and now comes the second guesses and time invested with possibility of poor returns.

On the surface, it seems like clarity labels you as a picky person and your find becomes less probable. In reality though, you'd be surprised by how much more quickly and easily you can find a lover when you know exactly what you are looking for. This is where it all begins. This is truly the first step to finding happiness in a relationship.

[Han Kyo Ki]

Okay well I need some serious advice.
My bf and I are having a rocky relationship right now. As you know I posted earlier that both our parents don't approve and I was starting to feel/think that he was listening to his parents and I was afraid that he'll break up with me.
Any who he has reassured me that it won't happen. That he loves me and things were going good, til now.
His first love or crush whatever you wanna call it, has return.
She's beautiful I have to admit and she's vietnamese. His parents love her and they want him with her.
Now the story about them was that he was in love with her for I don't know how long but she had a bf and she saw him as just a best friend that's it. Then she moved and was gone for 6 years and now she has returned. She has returned single and is back to stay. I thought nothing to it because he has reassured me that he loves me and will stick with me, but now that she told me that she wants him. I can't help but feel once again like I have to fight for our relationship again.

Now when she told me that she wants him I was so ready to kick her a s s, but I didn't because I know he'll be mad at me so I told him what she said and he has told me not to worry, he wouldn't go to her because he loves me and when she left she hurt him that he had no choice but to get over it.

So yes I believe him but now I'm second guessing again because of the way he is with her. His extra special around her. Whenever she calls he goes running.
Like two nights ago, we were spending time together because it's been long since we had time for just us. So he planned this whole romantic night just for the two of us. Then she called saying that she needed his help that it's only him that can help her and when I argue with him to just let her handle it herself he told me not to worry he'll be back and left. He never returned. I was pissed and hurt. Then I confronted him yesterday and we got into a BIG fight.

My friends are not happy with our relationship. They supported us at first but now they don't want to because they don't like the way I have become thanks to the relationship. Which I agree I feel like I'm losing myself in this relationship. I know your suppose to fight for love and everything but for some reason I feel like I'm the only one fighting and I'm starting to get tired of fighting.

So what do you think I should do? I seriously need the help.

[nycsouljaac]

you know what?

a guy's first love/crush is extremely special to them. even though they can forget other people they have dated, they will never forget their first love.

also, although cliche, this is always true: actions speak louder than words. your boyfriend says he won't break up with you, but is always running to her. i think you have a problem. you should confront him and tell him to choose either you or her.

[donporkuloin]

you know what?

also, although cliche, this is always true: actions speak louder than words. your boyfriend says he won't break up with you, but is always running to her. i think you have a problem. you should confront him and tell him to choose either you or her.

I agree that actions do speak louder than words. I think you should confront him as well.

[addicted2kdrama]

well, First crush/First love is always special and hard to forget. Everytime I see my first crush whom I liked so much for 4+ years, I still get this nervous and get this tingling sensation even now, 4 years later.

You have to confront both parties, not just the bf.

[Tuffcore]

So what do you think I should do? I seriously need the help.

My GF always speaks highly of her first love and although they haven't seen each other for nearly 7-years, they still have contacts through emails and such as good friends. I've always thought that if she was to go back to him, she'd be very well taken care of and in loving her, i would let her go.

My suggestion is that if your BF's first crush can prove to be a very good GF to him and can treat him very well, then don't be selfish and do the right thing.

[HotGaru]

I have a question to ask.

My boyfriend is Korean.
He is older past 25.
He just confuses me.
Maybe he is a mama's boy, I'm not sure whats with him.
Is it for Korean's they spend Christmas and New Years Eve with thier families?
I have tried to ask for him to spend it with me and nothing.
Sometimes I feel like he's cheating on me.
I jsut dont get it, past boyfriends were not like this.

My past boyfriends wanted to spend it with me.
Minus the one who cheated on his girlfriend with me and vice versa.
I just think he's older, wouldnt he want to spend it with me?

We've dated for a while and I haven't met his friends yet.
Is it a lost cause?

[addicted2kdrama]

How do I become friends with the opposite sex without her having thinking that I'm just talking to her and asking for her phone number just to get in her pants.

Let's say I was at a NYE party and we started talking at the munchees table. I ofcourse initiated the talking since she was all alone and looked bored because her guy friend or boyfriend was outside. She seemed very nice and sweet and I got this feeling that I really wanted to get to know her. We talked for about 10 minutes and I had to leave since all my friends were heading out. While I was about to leave I really wanted to get her phone number but something inside me was saying i'm moving too fast and it might seem like i'm asking for it so we can hook up later, and i didn't want to leave that kinda impression. She seemed like the type that would be either a great friend or a great girl friend and I didn't want to miss out on this chance of having either or. So what do I have to do next time when I want to get to know someone I just met?

It's really hard making good friends and I'm finding out most of my friends are just the "lets hang out" friends that you can't really talk to or rely on. And so I want to take the initiative and make great friends this year, male or female.

[Johnny Y]

This will probably get closed/moved to the Love & Relationships thread, and I don't spend too much time there, so I'll respond here before it does.

My advice - you're thinking wayyyy too much. If you're analyzing things this much, you'll probably come off as awkward or, even worse, as trying to get into her pants - the exact thing you say you DON'T want. If you want someone's phone #, then be assertive and just ask. Pretend you're asking for the number of an old friend - "Hey, I had a great time talking to you. Let's exchange numbers so we can keep in touch" or "We should definitely do this again, can I call you?" you know, something simple. Unless you're giving her a pervy smile and doing the Mr Burns twiddling fingers thing, I doubt she'd think anything of it. The only two responses she should have are - 1) "Sure" or 2) "Sorry, I don't feel comfortable giving you my number because..." either way, you'll know if you really had a connection or not.

I know as a 20+ year old it gets harder and harder to make meaningful friends. This part I have problems with too. Just appreciate your current friends, be friendly toward others and stay open to new encounters. If those encounters are meant to become lasting friendships, they will. Hope this helps and I hope you have a great new year with many new friends.

[nak3d]

So, there is this friend. She is demented in ways.

Her current boyfriend abuses her with his fists and words. I've seen her with a black eye and huge bruises - so has her family. She tells me how he's stepped on her head, her neck, and called her stupid. How she almost thought she'd die. She laughed about how he pulled off a high way, parked the car, and took out some metal stick to hit her. How he once brought a knife to her neck. How he yells at his parents, threw a chair at his grandmother, and abuses little kids.

To compliment his horrible personality, he is completely shallow, judgmental, and ugly. He is a twenty-four year old who lives with his parents, is jobless, and steals his parents' credit cards to buy $400 jeans. I wish I could emphasize how ugly he is with out sounding superficial or shallow, but my friend is truly out of this guy's league. Yet, somehow she perseveres thinking that this jerk will change. He's some how beaten my friend's self-esteem into shades of purple. Every one (including his friends and parents) tell her that she can do better, but she is disillusioned into believing she can't.

This friend of mine tried to tell a funny story about how her boyfriend farted and accidentally had diarrhea. It went all over the seat and floor, but he left it there because he was some germ freak. So my friend had to clean it up. I don't think she realizes how ... not funny that is. If that thought doesn't make you grimace, she also puts hemorrhoid cream on his bum for him.

The guy is only with my friend because she is the only human being able tolerate him. If he were able to get another girl, any girl, I bet he would. I know he would. If I tried to advance on him, he'd spread his legs with out shame. But I would never, neither would any other girl.

I am further baffled by my friend's infidelity. She has cheated on him more than once with more than one guy (his friend's included). She openly checks out other guys and invites me to go out and 'check out guys'. I don't understand why she chooses to be in this awful relationship when she fails to maintain any level of fidelity, and the man obviously has no respect for her.

They've been together for almost three years now; the situation still the same. Of course there has been intervention from family and friends; she has had therapy, but she still goes back to him.

I feel like I'm beginning to hate her. I don't know if it's because she chooses him over friendship & family, because she works two jobs but I still have to pay for her gas & misc. fees (while she splurges on clothes & etc.), or because she seems to be with the guy for superficial reasons (like his 'exclusive clothes').

It's like she's an Amy Winehouse wanna-be.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for her. I'm tired of trying to help her. I'm tired of being ignored.
I know, I know.. I'm a bad friend.

I don't know what kind of input I'm looking for, maybe I just want to mini cooper talk. Yeah.

Honestly, what is love?


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Marmar: He may be completely over his first crush. Certain emotions are hard to just drown out. I don't know how to write this coherently, but seeing some one you used to have strong feelings for again after a long time will surface certain emotions and memories (but this won't automatically invalidate his love for you).

He may be going through a phase right now and will need time to sort out these emotions. Your accusations and insecurities will only push him away. If things get so bad, maybe you can take some time off in the relationship so that he can think about what he really feels.

[little mixed girl]

How do I become friends with the opposite sex without her having thinking that I'm just talking to her and asking for her phone number just to get in her pants.

Let's say I was at a NYE party and we started talking at the munchees table. I ofcourse initiated the talking since she was all alone and looked bored because her guy friend or boyfriend was outside. She seemed very nice and sweet and I got this feeling that I really wanted to get to know her. We talked for about 10 minutes and I had to leave since all my friends were heading out. While I was about to leave I really wanted to get her phone number but something inside me was saying i'm moving too fast and it might seem like i'm asking for it so we can hook up later, and i didn't want to leave that kinda impression. She seemed like the type that would be either a great friend or a great girl friend and I didn't want to miss out on this chance of having either or. So what do I have to do next time when I want to get to know someone I just met?

It's really hard making good friends and I'm finding out most of my friends are just the "lets hang out" friends that you can't really talk to or rely on. And so I want to take the initiative and make great friends this year, male or female.

i'm also trying to get some friends this year.

in my case, if i just talked to a guy for 10minutes, i probably wouldn't give him my #.
if you know someone that knows her, then maybe you guys can get together and hang out again?

i guess next time, you could just ask for the number and see what happens.

...i dunno...i need to make friends too lol...

[donporkuloin]

I have a question to ask.

My boyfriend is Korean.
He is older past 25.
He just confuses me.
Maybe he is a mama's boy, I'm not sure whats with him.
Is it for Korean's they spend Christmas and New Years Eve with thier families?
I have tried to ask for him to spend it with me and nothing.
Sometimes I feel like he's cheating on me.
I jsut dont get it, past boyfriends were not like this.

My past boyfriends wanted to spend it with me.
Minus the one who cheated on his girlfriend with me and vice versa.
I just think he's older, wouldnt he want to spend it with me?

We've dated for a while and I haven't met his friends yet.
Is it a lost cause?

He's just extremely family orientated, and maybe somewhat of a momma's boy. Lol. That's pretty random that you haven't met his friends, and you've dated for a while. I'm gonna say it's a lost cause.

[watcher]

So, there is this friend. She is demented in ways.

...

I'm tired of feeling sorry for her. I'm tired of trying to help her. I'm tired of being ignored.
I know, I know.. I'm a bad friend.

I don't know what kind of input I'm looking for, maybe I just want to mini cooper talk. Yeah.

Honestly, what is love?


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if she can't help herself, you can't really help her either. surely, you can prevent her from being beaten, but the inner problem causing all of this is something only she can fix for herself.

as for love... it's what you decide to do everyday when you wake up and before you go back to sleep. the feeling, in and of itself, is merely your willingness to do it, and has nothing to do with your capacity to take part in it.

[chewy117]

love sux... big time

i met the girl of my dreams couple of months ago

and she just shut me down...

[watcher]

love sux... big time

i met the girl of my dreams couple of months ago

and she just shut me down...

does that mean u give up? hehe
i think it's 90% persistence and 10% not doing anything stupid to ruin your chances

[JF21�]

That's pretty random that you haven't met his friends, and you've dated for a while. I'm gonna say it's a lost cause.

it's not random that she hasn't met his friends after dating for a while. that's just how he wants it. (btw how long exactly is "a while"? )

sweetie, give it up and find a man who is proud of you.

you're current bf is either
A: married with or without children and you're his cohort in the cheating
B: cheating on you with someone else


there's no other way around it. especially if he is an older man, there's a good chance he's already married, and you're just his "toy"
keeping you away from family and friends is a common trait of cheaters/liars...plus if your first mind is telling you he may be cheating you should listen to it.

he's not worth your time, find someone who is.

[hotspicedcider]

it would be nice having a subforum dedicated to love and relationships... i think putting everythign in ONE thread is sort of.... unorganized

[watcher]

it would be nice having a subforum dedicated to love and relationships... i think putting everythign in ONE thread is sort of.... unorganized

hehe... there is one...
it's just that that one is open to ALL members, and not specific to the 20+ crowd

[hotspicedcider]

hehe... there is one...
it's just that that one is open to ALL members, and not specific to the 20+ crowd

exactly my point. i wouldnt want a 13 yr old giving 20+ yr olds any relationship advice

[chumchumree]

I have a question to ask.

My boyfriend is Korean.
He is older past 25.
He just confuses me.
Maybe he is a mama's boy, I'm not sure whats with him.
Is it for Korean's they spend Christmas and New Years Eve with thier families?
I have tried to ask for him to spend it with me and nothing.
Sometimes I feel like he's cheating on me.
I jsut dont get it, past boyfriends were not like this.

My past boyfriends wanted to spend it with me.
Minus the one who cheated on his girlfriend with me and vice versa.
I just think he's older, wouldnt he want to spend it with me?

We've dated for a while and I haven't met his friends yet.
Is it a lost cause?

hey,
well i think I'm going to be disagreeing with the majority of the posters here, but yes... I think it's very normal for someone to spend the holidays with their family. especially for someone who sounds really family-oriented, and if he's korean. I do think he should make an effort to also spend some time with you especially if you let him know that you wanted him to.

Why do you feel that he's cheating on you?

I don't think that necessarily because you haven't met his friends yet you should jump to the conclusion that it's a lost cause... I know that at least for me, (maybe it's diff cause i'm a girl) - the person I'm dating doesn't meet my friends until I'm really serious about it - really positive about it, because friends and relationships don't match.

Then again, maybe your instincts are trying to tell you something, but I don't think you should base it on just those 2 things.

Okay well I need some serious advice.
My bf and I are having a rocky relationship right now. As you know I posted earlier that both our parents don't approve and I was starting to feel/think that he was listening to his parents and I was afraid that he'll break up with me.
Any who he has reassured me that it won't happen. That he loves me and things were going good, til now.
His first love or crush whatever you wanna call it, has return.
She's beautiful I have to admit and she's vietnamese. His parents love her and they want him with her.
Now the story about them was that he was in love with her for I don't know how long but she had a bf and she saw him as just a best friend that's it. Then she moved and was gone for 6 years and now she has returned. She has returned single and is back to stay. I thought nothing to it because he has reassured me that he loves me and will stick with me, but now that she told me that she wants him. I can't help but feel once again like I have to fight for our relationship again.

Now when she told me that she wants him I was so ready to kick her a s s, but I didn't because I know he'll be mad at me so I told him what she said and he has told me not to worry, he wouldn't go to her because he loves me and when she left she hurt him that he had no choice but to get over it.

So yes I believe him but now I'm second guessing again because of the way he is with her. His extra special around her. Whenever she calls he goes running.
Like two nights ago, we were spending time together because it's been long since we had time for just us. So he planned this whole romantic night just for the two of us. Then she called saying that she needed his help that it's only him that can help her and when I argue with him to just let her handle it herself he told me not to worry he'll be back and left. He never returned. I was pissed and hurt. Then I confronted him yesterday and we got into a BIG fight.

My friends are not happy with our relationship. They supported us at first but now they don't want to because they don't like the way I have become thanks to the relationship. Which I agree I feel like I'm losing myself in this relationship. I know your suppose to fight for love and everything but for some reason I feel like I'm the only one fighting and I'm starting to get tired of fighting.

So what do you think I should do? I seriously need the help.

Marmar, this does sound really painful... I'm sure it's very confusing for him too. But I think the best way to be able to survive this is if you can really stand together with him. The first crush / first love thing - whatever she does, and even if she wants to get back with him, nothing can happen unless he lets it. He probably does have a soft spot for her, that's normal, but I don't think that you should look too much into it. If you push him and accuse him, then that's just another force (added to his family) that's working on him, and that'll just drive him from you to where his parents want him to be.

I do think you should tell him / explain to him how hurtful it is that he doesn't put you first, but without the accusations or anger.

As for losing yourself, maybe instead of seeing it as an external fight, you could see it just as fighting to stay afloat, you know, just to stay constant. Then it won't seem so much of a struggle. If you do, then eventually it'll all pass. I think it just needs time.