[Tuffcore]

I've been seeing this guy for the past week or two? Well anyways, the other night, we were drinking together, I got really drunk, one thing lead to another and the next thing I knew I woke up in bed with him. Anyways, I had blacked out and the last thing I remembered from that night was that we were making out. I told him I didn't remember anything, he told me everythign that had happened, and now he feels totally guilty and feels like he had raped me. I told him it was fine, that I still liked him, and that he shouldn't be so hard on himself because it was just an accident and it was my fault that I had drank so much so quickly (I didn't even drink that much).

I tried talking to him last night, but he was just too uncomfortable and now I don't know what to do. Help?

From my experience, I would conclude that he is a "nice guy" inside and judging by his reaction, he's disappointed...in you. Here's why:

He must have had one of the best nights of his life with you twisting and turning the bed into a blaze of fire. He went to the heavens with you and married you in front of the Lord himself before flowing back down into your heart. You two locked eyes, clamped your hands together, and shot deep into the future together all night long. He thought you were beginning something extraordinary with him.

...then, you wake up in the morning and hit him with a "sorry, i blacked out. What happened last night?"

OUCH! You then tortured him with the embarrassment of giving details about the most wonderful time of his life that he thought he shared with you. Unfortunately, you didn't share any of that with him. He's been reduced from jubilation to remorse, happy to sad, optimistic to embarrassed, etc.

Moreover, you've established in his mind that you lack self control when it comes to alcohol and sex. Men don't forget these things. If you were hard to get even with alcohol, then he will feel confident with you in the company of other men and alcohol. That's just how guy's think. Instead, you intoxicated yourself, slept with him, and then not remembered anything. He's probably wondering if this happens all the time with you. I hate to tell you but he's not sorry he "raped you." He's mostly uncomfortable because he's questioning his own judgement, re-evaluating your integrity as a person, and most importantly of all, repositioning himself to avoid a serious long term relationship with you.

[jshat4]

Umm...isn't it kinda obvious when a girl is dead drunk/blacked out? I think the dude should take responsibility for sleeping with her when she's DRUNK. Unless he was also drunk. Otherwise, he IS being irresponsible. It's basically called a bit of respect....people don't act as they normally do when they're super drunk. He could get charged for rape if she really pressed it.

[watcher]

I've been seeing this guy for the past week or two? Well anyways, the other night, we were drinking together, I got really drunk, one thing lead to another and the next thing I knew I woke up in bed with him. Anyways, I had blacked out and the last thing I remembered from that night was that we were making out. I told him I didn't remember anything, he told me everythign that had happened, and asked me if I had wanted to have sex, which I said I would have wanted to wait a bit longer. Now he feels totally guilty and feels like he had raped me. I told him it was fine, that I still liked him, and that he shouldn't be so hard on himself because it was just an accident and it was my fault that I had drank so much so quickly (I didn't even drink that much).

I tried talking to him last night, but he was just too uncomfortable and now I don't know what to do. Help?

you should try to talk about it some more until you establish the facts and agree on the next move. whether both of you want to continue the relationship, or if it's too awkward to continue it. make decisive actions and try to work on it.

[Catherine]

He was just a little buzzed. I remember falling off the bed and knocking my head on the wall more than a few times.

I have tried talking to him; he told me not to worry and that he was just uncomfortable. It seems like he just shut me off or just wants time alone.

[RE.]

its rape regardless if its consented or not when a girl is drunk.

or so i heard

[GO!zilla]

edittttttttttttted out

[badboy yardy]

I have tried talking to him; he told me not to worry and that he was just uncomfortable. It seems like he just shut me off or just wants time alone.

lol just who is the rape victim here?

[clockwatcher]

From my experience, I would conclude that he is a "nice guy" inside and judging by his reaction, he's disappointed...in you. Here's why:

He must have had one of the best nights of his life with you twisting and turning the bed into a blaze of fire. He went to the heavens with you and married you in front of the Lord himself before flowing back down into your heart. You two locked eyes, clamped your hands together, and shot deep into the future together all night long. He thought you were beginning something extraordinary with him.

...then, you wake up in the morning and hit him with a "sorry, i blacked out. What happened last night?"

OUCH! You then tortured him with the embarrassment of giving details about the most wonderful time of his life that he thought he shared with you. Unfortunately, you didn't share any of that with him. He's been reduced from jubilation to remorse, happy to sad, optimistic to embarrassed, etc.

Moreover, you've established in his mind that you lack self control when it comes to alcohol and sex. Men don't forget these things. If you were hard to get even with alcohol, then he will feel confident with you in the company of other men and alcohol. That's just how guy's think. Instead, you intoxicated yourself, slept with him, and then not remembered anything. He's probably wondering if this happens all the time with you. I hate to tell you but he's not sorry he "raped you." He's mostly uncomfortable because he's questioning his own judgement, re-evaluating your integrity as a person, and most importantly of all, repositioning himself to avoid a serious long term relationship with you.

I'm not a guy so you definitely know more about how men think but from the little I know of the story, I think he really does feel guilty because he very well knows he took advantage of her. Because she's talking about being so drunk that she was falling and hitting her head on the wall and doesn't remember a thing. I sincerely doubt this was some particularly passionate experience for the guy.

[Tuffcore]

Umm...isn't it kinda obvious when a girl is dead drunk/blacked out? I think the dude should take responsibility for sleeping with her when she's DRUNK. Unless he was also drunk. Otherwise, he IS being irresponsible. It's basically called a bit of respect....people don't act as they normally do when they're super drunk. He could get charged for rape if she really pressed it.

He should probably take responsibility and be with the girl but then that would be him trying to win over his own pride and reputation. He wouldn't be with her because of love. He would be with her because he had to be.

The questions that need to be answered are not answered such as "are they a good match?" and "do they have similar goals in life?" The sustainability of a relationship under these circumstances, while could be long, often is not. Why even start a relationship after all this has happened?

I'm not a guy so you definitely know more about how men think but from the little I know of the story, I think he really does feel guilty because he very well knows he took advantage of her. Because she's talking about being so drunk that she was falling and hitting her head on the wall and doesn't remember a thing. I sincerely doubt this was some particularly passionate experience for the guy.

From what Catherine has said, it sounds like she still wants to be with this guy.

In my opinion, She's going to be disappointed and his need for time alone is a good indication of this. If he was still interested in Catherine after this incident, then he should accept Catherine's offer of forgiveness and stop feeling guilty. He should be attempting sex with Catherine again on a consensual term this time (and make sure Catherine gets hers 5 times before he gets his.) Bottom line is, he would try to erase a bad experience with her as soon as possible. Instead,

The Conversation:
Guy: Sorry about last night.
Catherine: Don't be. I'm fine. I'm not hurt.
Guy: Yes, but what I did was wrong.
Catherine: Don't feel so bad. I still like you.
Guy: err... Sorry i need some time alone.

What he hears:
Guy: Sorry about last night.
Catherine: Oh silly, I'm totally okay with it. I'm casual with getting raped while being overly intoxicated. Should we date?
Guy: uh... What?!
Catherine: Want to do it again?
Guy: err... Sorry i need some time alone.

I don't mean to offend but the chance that he wants time alone and still has interest in Catherine is slim. Catherine should've stood up and defended her dignity after the incident. The way it was handled, the guy is going to be scared off. Catherine put him in a situation where he can do no wrong and guys don't respect girls like that.

I know anything can happen and we've only been presented with half the story so, best of luck Catherine.

[watcher]

^ dunno... personally to me, he sounds like your typical guy who just wanted to have sex and got caught up in the moment. it's just too bad he's a bit naive and a nice guy type because when he realized he had sex with a girl who doesn't even remember the act, he feels crappy about it. he felt like he took advantage of her, and even if the girl said it was ok, it's not ok to him and his own code of ethics. he crossed a personal boundary he never should've crossed and will likely try to move on by avoiding this shameful sin of his, which includes dropping the girl out of his life, except that he feels so guilty, he can't bear to make life worse for her by being too mean to her. so he's stuck between a rock and a hard spot trying to figure out his actions where he will ultimately learn to cope with what happened and move on as if nothing ever happened.

[Catherine]

Honestly, the guy that I slept with can get pretty much any girl he wants without alcohol.

But whatever, he's not worth my time and I've decided to screw him and move on with my life. If he decides he wants commit in a future long term relationship, then only time will tell. Thanks guys

[donporkuloin]

Don't take me the wrong way... but I feel like you're trying to hard to meet any girl, not THE girl. I mean, finding THE girl is the whole point in this whole dating game isn't it?

You can't really force yourself onto some girl. I'm talking from a guy's point of view, but I don't think girls like it when guys play the "I'll hit on every girl and take anyone who falls for it" game. Also, I think some guys believe persistence is attractive. It's only attractive to a girl if she's interested and playing a little hard to get; otherwise I bet it's just damn annoying.

Maybe what you could do is make a list of what kind of characteristics and traits you want in a girl and don't compromise.
It's not being picky, but increasing your chances at finding someone you'll be able to love and be loved by.
Just because a girl is a very nice and good girl doesn't mean she's a good fit for you. I learned the hard way.
Don't waste your time, money, and effort going after the wrong girl.

Don't think too much about it either. Finding the right girl doesn't fall into your lap, but there's that saying, "You can only find something when you stop looking"

Too late because after reading what you said.. I'm offended. For one I don't sit up and try to meet any and every girl. I do have an idea of what characteristics and traits I would like in a girl. The fact that you think I don't is.. just wow.. I wonder who's doing your thinking for you to come to that assumption. The way you made it seem is if I'm some desperate nice guy. I'm a nice guy, but not desperate. I really feel like going on a 3-4 paragraph about your very inaccurate opinion of my dating life. But it's not gonna change what you think and why you think I go for women.

[sasuke-kun]

Too late because after reading what you said.. I'm offended. For one I don't sit up and try to meet any and every girl. I do have an idea of what characteristics and traits I would like in a girl. The fact that you think I don't is.. just wow.. I wonder who's doing your thinking for you to come to that assumption. The way you made it seem is if I'm some desperate nice guy. I'm a nice guy, but not desperate. I really feel like going on a 3-4 paragraph about your very inaccurate opinion of my dating life. But it's not gonna change what you think and why you think I go for women.

not to offend you either but i remember reading a lot of your posts for a while and it seems like you do try very very hard. it seems you try to over analyze situations all the time. from what i see, shes just a coworker that you just met and shes just trying to be friendly.

why do you want to ask her out for lunch? just as a friendly gesture as a coworker? do you like her? i guess the reason for asking her out to lunch matters because you dont want to give her the wrong idea.

[sweetheartx0x]

I've been seeing this guy for the past week or two? Well anyways, the other night, we were drinking together, I got really drunk, one thing lead to another and the next thing I knew I woke up in bed with him. Anyways, I had blacked out and the last thing I remembered from that night was that we were making out. I told him I didn't remember anything, he told me everythign that had happened, and asked me if I had wanted to have sex, which I said I would have wanted to wait a bit longer. Now he feels totally guilty and feels like he had raped me. I told him it was fine, that I still liked him, and that he shouldn't be so hard on himself because it was just an accident and it was my fault that I had drank so much so quickly (I didn't even drink that much).

I tried talking to him last night, but he was just too uncomfortable and now I don't know what to do. Help?

if you correctly remember that you didn't drink too much then perhaps he tampered with your drink otherwise? idk...it's just a thought. Plus it would make sense that is also why he's feeling guilty.


Oh and i just read your last post...but yea if your cool with what happened to you..then i guess this is settled.

[angelZ]

i was playing around with my bf's phone & i came across a text msg he sent to his ex just a few days ago. he called her by the pet name he gave her when they were still dating. i've already had a few talks with him about her before because i think he's still not over her yet, but he always tells me there's nothing going on between them & that they're just friends.

i like him a lot but i don't think he respects me at all when he still talks to/see the ex even when i told him how uncomfortable it made me feel.

what should i do....?

[[HyuNi]]

Too late because after reading what you said.. I'm offended. For one I don't sit up and try to meet any and every girl. I do have an idea of what characteristics and traits I would like in a girl. The fact that you think I don't is.. just wow.. I wonder who's doing your thinking for you to come to that assumption. The way you made it seem is if I'm some desperate nice guy. I'm a nice guy, but not desperate. I really feel like going on a 3-4 paragraph about your very inaccurate opinion of my dating life. But it's not gonna change what you think and why you think I go for women.

My apologies. I don't go onto the internet to bash random people's and attempt to dictate their lives. I guess I was a little too brash for your taste.
Nevertheless, The person who's doing my thinking is... well... me. I've lurked around the 20+ L&R section and I've seen quite a bit of posts from you. The situation is usually the same, but a different girl. I'm not saying you're a desperate guy, I just believe you don't know what you want, and you're in full gear trying to find what you like.

My reply is coming from my own perspective. I wasn't there when you met that girl nor do I know you. Everything is based off assumptions, but reading your entry and your previous posts, I see a common trend. It's just an outside opinion, which is something you're looking for, considering you posted here.

i was playing around with my bf's phone & i came across a text msg he sent to his ex just a few days ago. he called her by the pet name he gave her when they were still dating. i've already had a few talks with him about her before because i think he's still not over her yet, but he always tells me there's nothing going on between them & that they're just friends.

i like him a lot but i don't think he respects me at all when he still talks to/see the ex even when i told him how uncomfortable it made me feel.

what should i do....?

Completly unrelated, but I nearly fell off my chair when I saw your avatar. Its subtle, yet in-your-face humor made me a complete fan! haha
Apparently, I'm terrible at expressing my opinion, but I thought to leave a reply just about your avatar would be inconsiderate.
So...

Let's be honest, you were "playing" with your bf's phone to check up on him, right?
One more... Are you OK with them being friends?

Guys can be sneaky, too.
If he really didn't want you to know he still kept in touch with his ex, he would have changed the name on his phone and/or deleted the text he got. The fact that he didn't could mean that he realizes the past is the past and he's got someone better now.

It's dicey though. If you're OK them being friends, then let him know that and set guidelines. Maybe not using pet names could be a start. Having full disclosure is much better than trying to guess what's going on and being scared of looking insecure.

[watcher]

i've been losing my cool lately
doubt has replaced confidence
and i've been compromising more than i should have
got me wrapped under a spell and cant shake it off
i was thinkin of taking up a hobby
or joining some kind of club with networking potential
but not sure how to fight the feeling at the moment
someone save me!! hah...

[Tamago86]

^details man detailsssssssssss

[angelZ]

Completly unrelated, but I nearly fell off my chair when I saw your avatar. Its subtle, yet in-your-face humor made me a complete fan! haha
Apparently, I'm terrible at expressing my opinion, but I thought to leave a reply just about your avatar would be inconsiderate.
So...

Let's be honest, you were "playing" with your bf's phone to check up on him, right?
One more... Are you OK with them being friends?

Guys can be sneaky, too.
If he really didn't want you to know he still kept in touch with his ex, he would have changed the name on his phone and/or deleted the text he got. The fact that he didn't could mean that he realizes the past is the past and he's got someone better now.

It's dicey though. If you're OK them being friends, then let him know that and set guidelines. Maybe not using pet names could be a start. Having full disclosure is much better than trying to guess what's going on and being scared of looking insecure.

hahaha i like how my avatar makes ppl smile

i'm ok with them being friends as long as he tells me when he's hanging out with her. when we first started dating, he would "forget" to tell me that they were hanging out, and so far i've had a few talks with him concerning her. he still has her stuff lying around in his house, but i guess i'm just insecure because they went out for 4yrs and was going to get married before she dumped him....and then she tried to get him back...

[undignified]

Thanks clockwatcher and hyuni!