[watcher]

My best friend Rachel called me, and two of her other close friends to celebrate her dead bf's birthday this month. We had a nice dinner out, and went to the site where it happened to sing happy birthday and eat cake. Stan, one of the two friends I met, and I hit it off and we've been calling lots recently.. and has been flirting. I'm just hesitating to continue any further because since Rachel is going through such a tough time... for two of her friends to start going out, I don't want to hurt her...

ALTHOUGH she did ignore me for about two years when she was with the guy (I helped introduce the two), I know how it feels... so.. I'm afraid of doing the same to her.

But it's been a while since I had someone like Stan...
And the way he makes me feel.. ^^" For my birthday present, Stan is teaching me how to drive his manual car before my birthday dinner with the four of us. Muhahaha.~~~

I don't know what to do...... =( Maybe my 20-somethings can help.....

it's not like you're going to be boyfriend/girlfriend immediately. go meet him a few times and build a relationship. by the time it becomes 'official,' the dust clouds might have settled, and then you can start to reveal your relationship.

As a guy, how does he know if he is in the "gay bestfriend" category to a girl?
Also, how do you ask a girl if the guy is in that type of category?

Some background info, some dude recently said that to me and I didn't have a response.

ur gay best friend if ur one of the first who knows about anything good or bad in her life. when ur the emotional punching bag for her when times are down, and she calls you when she's bored and just wants to talk. if she liked you, she wouldn't call randomly. every call is a mission, whether it is to find out something about yourself, or to ask you to hang out and do something. [disclaimer: this is just a generalization. there's also girls out there that are just plain wierd and dont act like others. i've met one like that.... she still likes me...]

how do you ask a girl if ur in that type of category? personally, i dont see it that way. if i like a girl, she's not friend material. i make my moves and live with the consequences. no need to wonder.

[tlydia]

As a guy, how does he know if he is in the "gay bestfriend" category to a girl?
Also, how do you ask a girl if the guy is in that type of category?

Some background info, some dude recently said that to me and I didn't have a response.

Does being the "gay bestfriend" mean being that you're a guy and you're best friends with a girl You can tell if she categorizes you to be the gay best friend if you are the first person she runs to for comfort when she's sad, if she calls you asking for tips on baking and cooking, if she let's you see her naked without a second thought, if she can change in front you like it's no big deal, if you two can sleep in the same bed without being intimate, if she calls you up and invites you to go shopping with her or asks for your opinions on certain outfits, if you know when she has her time of the month, if she trusts you with all her secrets, if she kisses and hugs you like you're her brother, and if she tells you very intimate things about herself that she would usually tell her girlfriends. I did all that with my bestfriend and wonder if he considered himself in that category. What I do know is that, from my experience, guys and girls can't be bestfriends. Because two people who know each other so well, in and out, will end up having one who will develope feelings for the other. If the other can't return the mutual feelings, the friendship ends.


When it comes to relationships, I still have so much to learn. The relationship I have now is actually my first and I feel like there is so much I don't know. My eldest sister have been getting on my case lately about getting married to my boyfriend. I don't want to say that I don't plan on getting married, it's just that I'm not ready right now. I remember talking to my boyfriend about this. He has been giving me little hints here and there that we should. I joked around with him that I think I'm allergic to marriage which he didn't think was funny at all. In all seriousness, he did make a good point. He told me that when he looks at me, he knows I'm the one for him and wants to spend our future together. He doesn't understand why I'm so hesitant about getting married since we live together, share accounts, and are having a child together. To be honest, I don't know why I'm hesistant. My boyfriend is everything I wanted in a man and so much more. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up so lucky. Well, last night, my boyfriend gave me a ring as a gift. I was paranoid because I thought it was an engagement ring but he assured me that it's a promise ring. I asked him if what he said was true, and he didn't reply back. All he had was this weird smile on his face. Oh, he made me promise that I wouldn't take the ring off.

Anyways, this morning I went to brunch with my younger sister and she saw the ring. She asked me if I happen to get engaged. I told her it was a promise ring and she told me that I must be really stupid. She said that there's no way that a promise ring can look this nice. I kept on explaining to her that it was a promise ring not an engagement ring. There's no way this could be an engagement ring. For one, he didn't propose to me, and two I didn't say yes. What my sister told me got me to really think. She said she bet all her money that my boyfriend gave me the ring so other guys will get the picture that I'm already taken, like he put a claim on me. To me, that sounded disturbing.

Now, I consider myself okay looking. Usually when I'm by myself or with the girls, there always happen to be some guy who would ask if I had a boyfriend or if he could have my number. Today when we went to the Galleria, I noticed some of the guys I encounterd looked at my left finger and went on with their business. My sister was like "Told you"

Now my question is, what is the difference between a promise ring and an engagement ring? And should I ask my boyfriend again to make sure this isn't an engagement ring? When a guy gives a girl a ring, I would like to believe it's because he loves her, not because he is trying to be possessive. My sister says it is to show that she's taken. Who is right?

[Azndinky]

A best friend is just a best friend doesn't matter if it's a he/she or he/she :-P

Your sister is right about the promise ring, just mean that you're taken/committed to one person only

[watcher]

Now my question is, what is the difference between a promise ring and an engagement ring? And should I ask my boyfriend again to make sure this isn't an engagement ring? When a guy gives a girl a ring, I would like to believe it's because he loves her, not because he is trying to be possessive. My sister says it is to show that she's taken. Who is right?

in this situation, i'd agree with ur sis. plus, a ring is a sign of commitment. it's not a gift to simply look pretty on your finger...

as for what's the diff between a promise and engagement ring, i'd the it's the difference between unofficial vs official, and the engagement ring will probably have a bigger rock mounted on it.

i think you should give marriage a consideration. not telling you to tie the knot, but think about it. think about the values you want to teach the child and how you want to raise him/her. someday your kid will ask why you're not married. if one day you two have a huge fight and are separated, your kid might go through a tough time being transported back and forth to spend time with mom and dad seperately many times. there's a lot to think about.

im not getting into morality as in what is right and wrong. but every parent wants to instill their child a morality that they believe in. what kind of parents did you want when you were younger? and are you able to be a that kind of parental model today?

just some thoughts...

[Aziraphale]

^ I agree with watcher cuz having a baby brings the relationship between two people to a new level. You'll have a new person in your lives and need to make adjustments to make sure the baby has the best of what the parents can offer. And some may say marriage is just a cert, but there will be benefits (legal or otherwise) to being married. Society, unfortunately, is not at the level where two unmarried people bringing up a kid won't get weird looks, or where the kid in question won't be barraged by questions of "why aren't your daddy and mummy married?" Not saying this should be the main consideration to tie you to marriage if you're so unwilling, or that an unmarried couple cannot be good parents, but scenarios like these do happen.

Also, commitment doesn't always mean possession, but it does mean both of you should be on the same page and view this relationship as something long-term. I guess your boyfriend was trying to bring up the marriage option in a more roundabout way since you're so hesitant about it - would you bolt if he really went official with a proposal? Are you hesitant because you can't imagine being with him for the rest of your life or is there some other issue you two haven't resolved?

(wow, one of the rare times I'm not making an Intruder Alert post )

[tlydia]

^^

Sorry. I was layering my lasagna.

Would I bolt? Seriously, I wouldn't but I would have to turn him down if it was an engagement. I think if I did do that, feelings will be hurt, mostly his. It'll put a toll in our relationship. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'm hesistant because we have unresolved issues that he likes to pretend don't exist. I think the other reason is I'm the type of person who doesn't like to be pressured into doing things. I have my eldest sister constantly on my back hounding me to get married. And his little hints here and there aren't helping especially after I told him I wasn't ready to get married. Is it wrong that I'm content with how things are now? It's not like I'm not planning to never get married. Eventually I will. It's just not now. Honestly, people tell me I should get married because I'm pregnant. I don't want that to be the deciding factor. Hopefully, I'm over analyzing everything and this is just a promise ring. I'll ask him when he gets home. Thanks!

in this situation, i'd agree with ur sis. plus, a ring is a sign of commitment. it's not a gift to simply look pretty on your finger...

as for what's the diff between a promise and engagement ring, i'd the it's the difference between unofficial vs official, and the engagement ring will probably have a bigger rock mounted on it.

i think you should give marriage a consideration. not telling you to tie the knot, but think about it. think about the values you want to teach the child and how you want to raise him/her. someday your kid will ask why you're not married. if one day you two have a huge fight and are separated, your kid might go through a tough time being transported back and forth to spend time with mom and dad seperately many times. there's a lot to think about.

im not getting into morality as in what is right and wrong. but every parent wants to instill their child a morality that they believe in. what kind of parents did you want when you were younger? and are you able to be a that kind of parental model today?

just some thoughts...

You know my situation. Do you think acutally getting married is a good idea? I have the set of parents that I always wanted. Parents who were loving, taught me values and instilled morals. They weren't married and I don't think it affects me. I wish I could be a good parent like the both of them. Now, let's say we do separate. Do you know how hard it'll be to get a divorce from him if we do get married? I know I'm ignorant to think this way. Thanks for the advice.. I have alot to think about. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing..

[watcher]

You know my situation. Do you think acutally getting married is a good idea? I have the set of parents that I always wanted. Parents who were loving, taught me values and instilled morals. They weren't married and I don't think it affects me. I wish I could be a good parent like the both of them. Now, let's say we do separate. Do you know how hard it'll be to get a divorce from him if we do get married? I know I'm ignorant to think this way. Thanks for the advice.. I have alot to think about. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing..

hmm... what would you say is the difference between what you two have no, and marriage?

[Aziraphale]

Would I bolt? Seriously, I wouldn't but I would have to turn him down if it was an engagement. I think if I did do that, feelings will be hurt, mostly his. It'll put a toll in our relationship. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'm hesistant because we have unresolved issues that he likes to pretend don't exist. I think the other reason is I'm the type of person who doesn't like to be pressured into doing things. I have my eldest sister constantly on my back hounding me to get married. And his little hints here and there aren't helping especially after I told him I wasn't ready to get married. Is it wrong that I'm content with how things are now? It's not like I'm not planning to never get married. Eventually I will. It's just not now. Honestly, people tell me I should get married because I'm pregnant. I don't want that to be the deciding factor. Hopefully, I'm over analyzing everything and this is just a promise ring. I'll ask him when he gets home. Thanks!

Well, it's not wrong to be content with how things are right now, but maybe your boyfriend doesn't understand fully why you're hesitant. He should know your folks aren't married, right? Have you explained to him that marriage isn't the be all and end all of things, going by the wonderful example you feel your parents have set? I don't know how traditional your boyfriend (or his family) is, but it's time for a good chat with him now that you have a baby on the way. Sure, it'll upset him that you're hesitant and not on the same page yet, but use it as a chance to iron out whatever issues you guys have cuz you can't run away from these things. You shouldn't go into the marriage unwillingly and thinking you'll head for a divorce eventually, while he shouldn't be feeling that you're leaving him hanging by wanting to stay unmarried.

[questions987]

I have a question:

This is something totally unexpected. About a year ago, I met this friend (Dave) at school and at the time he was happily married, blah blah blah so we were strictly friends. I do admit that when I first saw him, before I knew he was married - I thought he was adorable and a good guy. Anyway, we became good friends and attempted to keep in touch.

About 9 months ago Dave was sent to Iraq (Marine) and I had no clue. We had lost touch and I was too busy to notice. Anyway out of nowhere he emails me while he's in Iraq and we start talking again. I call him to welcome him home, etc. and then no communication again. Last week I get a phone call from Dave asking me what I was up to, we talked, I told him it was my birthday this weekend and told him I would give me a call when I figured out what kind of a surprise birthday party Scott had planned for me.

Scott and I decided dinner and a movie/shopping would be fun for me. So I planned a quiet weekend for my birthday instead of usual chaos. Anyway, on my way home Dave calls me to wish me a happy birthday. We start talking and I tell him to take his wife out instead of being lazy at home. At that moment, Dave admits to me that he's seperated from his wife and they have started divorce proceedings. Long story short: She had an affair while he was on deployment, got pregnant, tried to pass baby off as his, freaked out, had an abortion, and then filed for divorce. I felt bad for him so I took him out to a haunted house last night and then we spent some late night time at Denny's to talk. Obviously when we were at the haunted house - I clung to him for life and he in turn, was affectionate. I went home and dreamt about him last night.

Tonight, Scott and I decide to go to another Haunted House so I can complete my birthday tradition. I invite Dave to keep him from being depressed at home. Well the line for the haunted house was crazy long (3 hours) and Dave and I went from friendly teasing/hugs, to cuddling, to him kissing me. (Poor Scott - I really do feel bad about that one).

He's not over his wife (at least not the situation), I talked to him a little today (before the haunted house) and told him to think about his wife. If he wanted her back, if he was willing to try it again, and if he was - he had to forgive and forget. Anyway - by the time we went out, he told me he didnt want her back, he wasn't going to go back to her because the marriage was failing before the affair so the affair just gave them the way out.

Now, here's the quesiton (kinda obvious): Now what do I do? I get that tinglying sensation when hes around, I feel like a giddy school girl (it's been 6 years really, and I wanted to kiss him). I personally won't get involved with someone when I know they're married (won't be the reason a relationshp ends), and will do anything to save one. I also won't be a rebound. But right now, I'm being emotional - my overprotective instinct, and deep lonliness is causing me to reason it but I feel guily. What would you do? Thanks in advance!

[coreancc]

You know my situation. Do you think acutally getting married is a good idea? I have the set of parents that I always wanted. Parents who were loving, taught me values and instilled morals. They weren't married and I don't think it affects me. I wish I could be a good parent like the both of them. Now, let's say we do separate. Do you know how hard it'll be to get a divorce from him if we do get married? I know I'm ignorant to think this way. Thanks for the advice.. I have alot to think about. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing..

Marriage is a commitment, and a vow to the one you marry that you will stick with them no matter what happens. No matter what the two of you go through, no matter what they do to you, you will stick with them. It's serious stuff. It's good for you to want to work out some of the issues you see before considering marriage, because you must be able to make those vows without any reservation. I would encourage you to force his hand on it... sit down with him and say, "you want me to be ready to make this commitment, so are you ready to work through this issue? If you don't have the guts to stop pretending like this issue isn't here, then how important is marriage to you?"
The alternative is to never get married. In a society where the idea of a vow is lost, and people break them left and right - where divorce is a common occurrence - one is left to wonder what the point of marriage is anyway. It saddens me that we've done this to marriage. As a society we live with the fallout, and it has become so common we've lost the ability to even recognize it anymore.
Marriage is a natural outcome of real love. I believe that real love, in this type of relationship, always results in a commitment with all that I am to the one I love. I am willing to close all other doors for the sake of the one I love. I am willing to remove all other options. I am willing to commit myself forever to this one person. I am willing to take the risk that this person will fail me (and they will), that they will hurt me (and they will), that there will be times when they do not love me back (and there will be) - yet, I WILL continue to love them regardless. No matter how wonderful it is, or how much I suffer, I will love them without fail. Anything less than this is not real love. I'm sorry. If you think you love someone (in the type of relationship that exists between a man and a woman), and you are not willing to make that level of commitment, then it isn't really love. You are fooling yourself. Now, some people, such as your parents, get to this level of commitment without having a formal marriage according to the standards and laws of our society. But, personally, I view such people as married anyway. They have, in effect, made that level of commitment with each other. And, in my mind, it is every bit as serious when they separate. Especially if there are children involved, because, I promise you, it is the same to the children whether the parents are married or not. It will hurt the children every bit as much either way. If you do not want to marry because somewhere in the back of your mind you want to keep the option open for separation - if that is the reason you do not want to marry, then you do not have a real love for this person. Again, you are fooling yourself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying everyone who never marries has that as their reasons. I do not judge unmarried couples in this way. I am only saying that, out of all the possible reasons for not getting married, this one is illegitimate, unless, of course, the couple does not claim to have a real love for each other.
I may even get flamed for the view above, but I stand by it. I'll live by it, and I'd die by it as well.

[toxic-apple]

To questions987:

Base from my opinion, you shouldn't even date or get any closer to him than you already are. Why?

1. You know too much about his problems/ his past. A relationship should be built on an empty land, not from someone else left over.

2. His wife and him still are not completely off (can't find the word) of each other. Meaning they still greatly connected. She just had an abortion! He should be there and comfort her, not looking for a new love. I mean what is his meaning of their more than 6 yrs of marriage? Even if she cheated, he still should be there and comfort her somewhat.

3. He's not in love. He's not in his right mind to be in love. He just wanted/needed love and attention.

4. He was already cheating with you in form of email and phone conversations. My dad or any married man I know, will not talk to other woman privately/ behind their wife beside business. If a man need woman's care and advices then there's his wife or his sister or his mom to turn to. His whole family.

5. Are you seriously wanting to involve with this kind of man? A petty man who is not considerate of how his wife feel? A man who was looking for someone else when he's already has one (before his wife cheated)?

6. Are you the kind of woman who believe you can change a man/ Believe that without you he will suffer greatly? Feeling that no one will be there for him if you are not? He is perfectly fine from my point of view. He's already chasing you when he yet barely out of his divorce.

Don't let your feeling of sympathy mistakenly become feeling of love.

Do you really need that kind of love? aren't there any better men around you? Why are you going after a divorce man? or are you just simply attract to people who you believe needing your help?

I mean if you are desperately lonely, then find someone else who doesn't have a bunch of garbage for you to carry.

[B0hemian_Sprite]

What do you do with a roommate who brings over her boyfriend twice a month for the whole weekend? Not to mention that I'm single and it's just very uncomfortable and I hate being the third wheel. He does his laundry over here as well, and I hate to be petty, but that's a lot of water and electricity he accounts for. i've already told her that I don't want him around a lot because it's just really uncomfortable. Not to mention we both used to have this same problem with a previous roommate who would bring her boyfriend around ALL the time. So it's a bit hypocritical of my roommate right now to do this to me.

but at the same time, I kind of understand because they have a long distance relationship and it's hard for her to travel to his place, since it's a 2 hour drive each way. and it's not like they can meet anywhere else.

It's just that I'm extra introverted and shy, and if I'm having a crappy day, the last thing I want to see is some strange guy's ass on my futon. I know I sound petty, but any suggestions as to how I should approach this in a more proactive/less defensive way? Because I'm being extra crabby, and my roommate can sense it and I think she's feeling pretty pissed off at me as well.

[Prot]

Would I bolt? Seriously, I wouldn't but I would have to turn him down if it was an engagement. I think if I did do that, feelings will be hurt, mostly his. It'll put a toll in our relationship. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'm hesistant because we have unresolved issues that he likes to pretend don't exist. I think the other reason is I'm the type of person who doesn't like to be pressured into doing things.

You know my situation. Do you think acutally getting married is a good idea? Now, let's say we do separate. Do you know how hard it'll be to get a divorce from him if we do get married?

1) Don't get married for the baby. Why get married when you both have not reached the comfort zone of 100% trust? Marriage is between two people, not three. You may just end up having to divorce later when you realize you can't live the rest of your life with this person. Also, if you were to divorce, it would hurt the child much more and hurt your income and material wealth (unless he is the richer one).

2) I have no idea the difficulty of getting a divorce but if you even consider that you may divorce with this guy, why would you enter a marriage? You can read up on it here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce

3) Sorry but I would also question why you would have a baby with someone who you don't feel you can marry (unless it was an accident). Sorry but since it is relevant, I have to justify why I believe an abortion would be better. I personally don't believe an abortion is killing a lifeform because the fetus still hasn't developed a memory. I believe the majority of the person you are, consists of the memory you have in addition to your genetics. People that claim pro-life just because the sperm and ovary merged and have the possiblity to become a baby, I believe are wrong. Why don't you have a baby on a daily basis then? Every prevention of the merging of a sperm and an ovary by that definition is preventing life from existing. Why would one want to bring up a child in a world that isn't exactly the most perfect place, only to have the child at an even bigger disadvantage to find that his/her parents aren't even married?

4) Going back to your statement of how your parents were not married, one of my closest best friend whom I known since I was 4 and lives within a mile from my house has parents who got divorced when she was about 6 or so. I don't exactly know how she felt at the moment, but all I can say is that she is damn happy as it stands right now. That is because her parents could not stay married because they were incompatible with each other in that sense. It would be like rooming with your friend only to realize that your friend has habits that you cannot stand (except to a much larger degree since marriage consists much more than living with the other person and involves splitting of income, shared material wealth, etc). They remained good friends after the divorce and the father visits frequently. Both the parents put the effort and care to my friend.

Let me ask you this though, what if this isn't the case for your child?

What I do know is that, from my experience, guys and girls can't be bestfriends. Because two people who know each other so well, in and out, will end up having one who will develope feelings for the other. If the other can't return the mutual feelings, the friendship ends.

From my experience, this isn't true. I have known my friend as I just described, for 16 years. And we have never developed feelings for each other, and our friendship continues to today. My other friend whom I known for two years, has expressed feelings for me but I didn't want to be more than friends. We also still remain friends to this day. I believe if your friendship isn't strong enough, then the friendship ends, because with another case where I denied a girl who was my friend for a long time, she just stopped talking to me over time.

What do you do with a roommate who brings over her boyfriend twice a month for the whole weekend? Not to mention that I'm single and it's just very uncomfortable and I hate being the third wheel. He does his laundry over here as well, and I hate to be petty, but that's a lot of water and electricity he accounts for. i've already told her that I don't want him around a lot because it's just really uncomfortable. Not to mention we both used to have this same problem with a previous roommate who would bring her boyfriend around ALL the time. So it's a bit hypocritical of my roommate right now to do this to me.

but at the same time, I kind of understand because they have a long distance relationship and it's hard for her to travel to his place, since it's a 2 hour drive each way. and it's not like they can meet anywhere else.

It's just that I'm extra introverted and shy, and if I'm having a crappy day, the last thing I want to see is some strange guy's ass on my futon. I know I sound petty, but any suggestions as to how I should approach this in a more proactive/less defensive way? Because I'm being extra crabby, and my roommate can sense it and I think she's feeling pretty pissed off at me as well.

I don't see how twice a month is supremely frequent. Also, does she not have the right to have her boyfriend over just like you have the right to allow your friends over? You two are sharing the place. I'm assuming you are paying for the water and electric bill, so if the cost on this is such an issue, ask her to pay a portion of it that her boyfriend uses.

If you don't like the guy on your futon, make it clear, do not sit on my futon. If he touches your stuff, make it clear, do not touch my stuff. Other than that if he isn't like being noisy or something, why can't you deal with it? If you really can't, why don't you go to a friend's place for the weekend? Remember that you and your roommate share the place. Not everything can go the way you want it, sometimes it has to go the way she wants it too. You have to compromise with your roommate, the place is not all yours. You made the decision to room with this person.

[papabear]

What do you do with a roommate who brings over her boyfriend twice a month for the whole weekend? Not to mention that I'm single and it's just very uncomfortable and I hate being the third wheel. He does his laundry over here as well, and I hate to be petty, but that's a lot of water and electricity he accounts for. i've already told her that I don't want him around a lot because it's just really uncomfortable. Not to mention we both used to have this same problem with a previous roommate who would bring her boyfriend around ALL the time. So it's a bit hypocritical of my roommate right now to do this to me.

but at the same time, I kind of understand because they have a long distance relationship and it's hard for her to travel to his place, since it's a 2 hour drive each way. and it's not like they can meet anywhere else.

It's just that I'm extra introverted and shy, and if I'm having a crappy day, the last thing I want to see is some strange guy's ass on my futon. I know I sound petty, but any suggestions as to how I should approach this in a more proactive/less defensive way? Because I'm being extra crabby, and my roommate can sense it and I think she's feeling pretty pissed off at me as well.

This is something that should have been negotiated before agreeing to room with her... at this point, you can ask that he not come over, since you feel uncomfortable, but she would be within her 'rights' to refuse you, if you two didn't previously agree to have no overnight guests, or that you would ask the other's permission before having someone over for a short time. Then you're just stuck with what I agree is a bad situation (especially since it sounds like the ldr is based mostly on physical intimacy), and have to deal with it as best as you can, until you can move out.

[*smilez_for_me]

hey guys i really need your help,

My bf tried to make out wth me two days ago but i was not ready and jus played along. I tried to pretend everything was alright yesterday but he sensed something was wrong. I told him and it hurt him badly. my bf broke up with me becuase he says his pain from the past came back to him becuase in the past everything he did for his ex was a failure to her expectations. He says he does not have the courage to go on since his past hurt him a lot. what do u guys think i should do? i miss him a lot and really want to be with him, but he wont let me.

[Prot]

hey guys i really need your help,

My bf tried to make out wth me two days ago but i was not ready and jus played along. I tried to pretend everything was alright yesterday but he sensed something was wrong. I told him and it hurt him badly. my bf broke up with me becuase he says his pain from the past came back to him becuase in the past everything he did for his ex was a failure to her expectations. He says he does not have the courage to go on since his past hurt him a lot. what do u guys think i should do? i miss him a lot.

If he is going to break up on you just because you didn't feel right about making out then I don't think you should be seeing this guy who won't respect your feelings and doesn't care enough about the relationship to work things out. Relationship has two people, you and him, not just him.

Now, here's the quesiton (kinda obvious): Now what do I do? I get that tinglying sensation when hes around, I feel like a giddy school girl (it's been 6 years really, and I wanted to kiss him). I personally won't get involved with someone when I know they're married (won't be the reason a relationshp ends), and will do anything to save one. I also won't be a rebound. But right now, I'm being emotional - my overprotective instinct, and deep lonliness is causing me to reason it but I feel guily. What would you do? Thanks in advance!

It sounds like you are his rebound and that your loneliness is becoming lust for him. I would just remain friends in your situation and see what happens and to control your lonely side.

[watcher]

Now, here's the quesiton (kinda obvious): Now what do I do? I get that tinglying sensation when hes around, I feel like a giddy school girl (it's been 6 years really, and I wanted to kiss him). I personally won't get involved with someone when I know they're married (won't be the reason a relationshp ends), and will do anything to save one. I also won't be a rebound. But right now, I'm being emotional - my overprotective instinct, and deep lonliness is causing me to reason it but I feel guily. What would you do? Thanks in advance!

stay out of it. wait till the dust settles and see a clearer view of his feelings and intentions. heck, his whole state of mind.

[*smilez_for_me]

If he is going to break up on you just because you didn't feel right about making out then I don't think you should be seeing this guy who won't respect your feelings and doesn't care enough about the relationship to work things out. Relationship has two people, you and him, not just him.

no its not that...he is in pain because he thought i trusted him well enough for him to do so. he got hurt that i was not ready and in the end it tied back to his 5 year realtionship where whatever he did for his ex, was not enough for her.

[watcher]

hey guys i really need your help,

My bf tried to make out wth me two days ago but i was not ready and jus played along. I tried to pretend everything was alright yesterday but he sensed something was wrong. I told him and it hurt him badly. my bf broke up with me becuase he says his pain from the past came back to him becuase in the past everything he did for his ex was a failure to her expectations. He says he does not have the courage to go on since his past hurt him a lot. what do u guys think i should do? i miss him a lot and really want to be with him, but he wont let me.

maybe he's not ready for a relationship. i'd let him go.

no its not that...he is in pain because he thought i trusted him well enough for him to do so. he go hurt that i was not ready and in the ned it tied back to his 5 year realtionship where whatever he did for his ex, was not enough for her.

i've had 2 relationships where my 'best' wasn't enough. it was a combination of me failing to take initiative and her having sometimes unreasonable expectations. you live and you learn and you do better. he needs to get over it before he enters another relationship. if you get into a relationship scared of breaking up, then most likely, you're going to break up.

[questions987]

To questions987:

Base from my opinion, you shouldn't even date or get any closer to him than you already are. Why?

1. You know too much about his problems/ his past. A relationship should be built on an empty land, not from someone else left over.

2. His wife and him still are not completely off (can't find the word) of each other. Meaning they still greatly connected. She just had an abortion! He should be there and comfort her, not looking for a new love. I mean what is his meaning of their more than 6 yrs of marriage? Even if she cheated, he still should be there and comfort her somewhat.

3. He's not in love. He's not in his right mind to be in love. He just wanted/needed love and attention.

4. He was already cheating with you in form of email and phone conversations. My dad or any married man I know, will not talk to other woman privately/ behind their wife beside business. If a man need woman's care and advices then there's his wife or his sister or his mom to turn to. His whole family.

5. Are you seriously wanting to involve with this kind of man? A petty man who is not considerate of how his wife feel? A man who was looking for someone else when he's already has one (before his wife cheated)?

6. Are you the kind of woman who believe you can change a man/ Believe that without you he will suffer greatly? Feeling that no one will be there for him if you are not? He is perfectly fine from my point of view. He's already chasing you when he yet barely out of his divorce.

Don't let your feeling of sympathy mistakenly become feeling of love.

Do you really need that kind of love? aren't there any better men around you? Why are you going after a divorce man? or are you just simply attract to people who you believe needing your help?

I mean if you are desperately lonely, then find someone else who doesn't have a bunch of garbage for you to carry.

Thanks for the advice, but just for clarification:

1. everyone has baggage
2. How do you comfort someone that lost a child and is angry with you when the child wasn't even yours, was the reasult of vowels that were broken by the other person? and they were only married 3 years. (not that it's any less important).
3. I agree
4. It wasn't behind his wife's back. In fact, I've called him with his wife there and have yelled hi to her over the phone. It was strictly platonic the whole time - I don't think either of us thought anything of it until last night. So no, he wasn't cheating on her with me in any form. Why wouldn't you turn to a friend for advice? I turn to friends for advice when I need it. His family is in Texas and he has no sisters.
5. He wasn't looking for anyone before his wife cheated. He's not looking for anyone else now - it just happened. We were friends that were hanging out and when you spend all night clinging to each other out of fear - something has a greater potential of happening.
6. I never thought I could change him, why would I want to either way? He's not completely fine, he's lonely so he called a friend - so no, I'm not trying to change him. I was trying to be a good friend, I'm just really confused now.

Thank you for your advice, and I do think I need to give him time and be nothing more than a good friend. However, I didn't asked to be judged I asked for an outside opinion, not to be construed as a homewrecker (which is the main reason I'm having issues with the situation, because they my have filed for divorce but if theres a chance of getting back together - I would push for it, even if I was intrested in him). He and I haven't cheated and I won't let anything happen until his divorce is final, a kiss is a kiss and in all honesty - I didn't even kiss him back, I was too shocked by his peck to respond.

To everyone else: you're right, I probably do have feelings out of loneliness, and I am highly attracted to him - but he does need his space and he does need to think and get over things. So I guess I"ll do what I originally set out to do and be an ear for him to talk to and a buddy to occupy his time when he needs to get out of the house.

His needs are greater than mine so I should put him first and be his friend. As for his wife, I am trying to stay out of it but I have advised him to forgive her and get back with her if he really doesn't feel like he wants it to end. I also told him that if his wife needed to talk to someone that can understand what it feels like to have a miscarriage or abortion - that she can call me anytime and I'll set her up with one of my friends that dealt with it.