[rahrah]

Funny thing is, there were two other girls with us that night. I had no problems getting kino with them, dancing with them, and talking dirty to them. There was nothing to lose and obviously, that's the right attitude to have. Those two girls loved me and we had so much fun. For whatever reason, shyness overtakes me when it comes to girls i really like. I mean, there is no way i would ever say the things i said to those two girls to a girl i really like and respect. Ironically, that's exactly the kind of openess i need to maintain with girls i like. Are there any suggestions to overcome this?

yeah, one time shyness did overcome me too, but that was cus i just got out of a 3 year relationship, had no idea what the dating world was like cus i forgot, and was just honest and sincere mindset which is more relationship stuff n not single dating clubbing scene stuff...

but granted im in a long term relationship now, but i would just advise to convince urself that u don't really like her, or find another girl who u can like that much, and split ur attention with her so things flow more smoothly. but yeah... in the end, u will reach the same conclusion that clubbing girls are not the type of girl u want to settle down with. sure they can change, but there will be baggage attached.

btw, given that i am a guy who has been in and out of long term relationships, and have been scared of marriage, any advice u get from me will prolly lead u down the same path. LOLZ~

[Tuffcore]

hehe...get back in the game. if the girl was sincere about the 'nice but too shy' comment, she's probably still open to it as long as you prove her wrong.

I get this hopeless feeling like i'm doomed.

I should probably contact her as soon as possible. I've already made her wait long enough i think.

in the end, u will reach the same conclusion that clubbing girls are not the type of girl u want to settle down with. sure they can change, but there will be baggage attached.

Yea i should clarify that this girl is NOT a clubbing girl. Maybe she was in her younger days but at least not anymore.

About marriage, I don't mind it as long as i'm with the right person. It's so different for so many people. I know friends who married young and love it. There are those who want marriage but can't find the right one. Then there are those who refuse to marry and jump from one relationship to another.

[HERMIT]

I wish I had the "cute but too shy" dilemma working in my case.
But when they say "You're nice, but kinda overweight and poorly-complexioned", I'd have to think that is pretty definitive.

[Tuffcore]

I wish I had the "cute but too shy" dilemma working in my case.
But when they say "You're nice, but kinda overweight and poorly-complexioned", I'd have to think that is pretty definitive.

lol You never know. People have weird fetishes these days. Plus, I don't think weight really matters as much for guys as it does for girls.
Any girls here agree?

"hes cute but shy." thats not a bad thing to say. its a lot easier to overcome shyness than to try to get someone attracted to you that you find very unattractive. =] g'luck... hopefully this helped some.

I've never looked at it that way. Gives me a glimmer of hope actually. Thanks.

[Shinobu]

Yea this affirms my worst fears.

To provide more info, my friend went clubbing with like 8 of his friends and he tagged me and that girl along. Again, the evening began alright but it slowly degenerated to the point where we weren't talking with each other anymore towards the end. It was late at the club when my friend came to me and was asking me what's going on. He told me she thinks i'm cute but she thinks i'm too shy and that she's waiting for me to make some moves. Of course, i couldn't muster up any momentum to be aggressive at that point. I was already too dejected. My friend wasn't impressed.

To top off the disasterous night, i was even given the glorious chance of driving her home from clubbing (although my friend was in the car too. The 3 of us.) Pretty much i was talking solely to my friend or she was talking solely to my friend and the two of us never converse with each other. We didn't close well as i didn't get her contacts. There was even one moment just before we got to her house when she hinted to me she wanted to exchange contacts but i didn't realize it until 30 seconds had past and by that time, it was too late.

What a night of missed opportunities. This has to rank up there with the saddest dates of all the years in humanity. Having said all this, i was interested in her the whole time and to this moment i haven't stopped thinking about her. I can get her contacts off my friend but that feels totally lame. I don't know what to do.
Fixable?! You think? Less pressure on how i look when we're on the phone? But all i did right was look good! They say first impressions mean everything and aside from posing well for her, i definitely didn't leave a good impression on her when it came to my personality.

Ahh... it's not as bad as you thought. It's just the past weekend so you can be totally lame and get her info. After all it worths the efforts since she does like you (and can easily forgives if she sees sincerity which means you making some efforts.) If you're good with one to one I suggest you find an opportunity to sit down have a casual meal so you can talk to her one to one. But the important thing is don't try to be someone else. If she doesn't like the person that you are, you might as well let it go (but before that at least do something about it.)

[mickey012]

how do you older people who are working go about dating? do you usually get set up by friends or what? im almost done with college and i was wondering how it works in the real world..

i'm currently in a relationship, but one of my co-workers is actually in the dating scene at the age of 30. i discussed with him previously (briefly) and he said he pretty much either meet people through friends or online...

the the whole dating thing is tough in the real world, i can tell you that for sure...especially if you're going to start working. once you start working, then you're pretty much strapped down to your work life. unless you're willing to go out and meet people somehow, you'll most likely meet people at work the most (and relationships beyond friendship at workplace is a no-no...at least you know it'll last for sure).

i've always been a stubborn person my entire life, especially toward people. you look at it from the bright side, its determination and dedication, otherwise its just plain stupidity. i can not move on from a situation unless i know what's what. that's why the most difficult thing for me is not knowning. all my life i hated leaning on others, because if you take leap of faith to lean on another, you will have expectactions, the closer you are with someone, the more expectation you have, and the more expectation you have, the more dissapointment you'll feel. but despite all of my bullshit towards that, for the first time in my life. i've never needed someone by my side like i do now. i've never needed to have just a little bit of faith like i do now.

all i don't want is time and all i have is time. so how do i deal?

you're suffering from the fact that you can't TRUST people. it's not a problem of being stubborn. i think when you have someone that you can really click with and connect to, then you should be able to just let go and trust that person completely. trust is the most important factor in any relationship (whether it's with friends, family, significant other, etc.)...if you can't learn to trust another person, how will you ever be able to earn trust from others?

as for expectations...if you already know that you have expectations, wouldn't the other person have expectations of you as well? to dwell on your own needs is plain selfish (no offense), and i think you should at least try and think of the other party as well. i'm not saying not to have ANY expectations, but be realistic...we're all human...everyone makes mistakes. so even if your expectations aren't fulfilled, at least you'll learn to expect LESS (not less than you deserve, of course - but more on a practical level so you don't pull out your hair everytime your desires aren't met).

it's better to have loved than never love at all...even if a relationship doesn't last forever like you want it to, at least you'll learn from that experience. why don't you go out there and see what you can find instead of worrying about what you can find?

luck of the draw or personality flaw???

you've seen them. the guys who get screwed over. every time... the girl who falls for the bad boy. AGAIN. you've heard the phrase "they're too nice." or "they are only attracted to people who are bad for them?" sometimes a guy/girl seem like good gf/gf material b/c of the way they treated their ex, only to find that they don't treat YOU that well.

so what is it?? what makes you want to treat your S.O well? or what personality traits make you more likely to take advantage of them... (whether intentional or unintentional).
not that i'm bitter.. but i've noticed that people have said i'm too nice.. and that may make guys think they can get away with certain things. i think its easier to seem mean, but be a softie on the inside. rather than seem nice but having to pull out your bia side later.

just an advice, if you meet a girl that you're interested in but is into "bad boys"...forget about her...at least until she grows out of that phase and come back to you cuz she realized that she made a terrible mistake.
yes, girls may have this "fantasy" about being with bad boys...but when it comes to a serious, long-term relationship, nice guys always end up first...trust me on that one.

i think it's best if you just stay the way you are and find someone who will accept you for who you are. if you truly care about your significant other, then you will treat him/her well. it's as if you never want to do anything to make him/her feel hurt in any way because one false move, they just might break like glass.

Just this past weekend, i got something similar. i got the "he's cute but he's too shy."

A friend tried to set me and this girl up over the weekend. I liked her soo much right off the bat that i sank into my ultra-shy mode (a bad habit of mine). I was definitely interested in her and i was definitely struggling to talk to her all evening. It was like, i tried too hard to say the perfect things and put too much pressure on myself. The night began alright but ended in disaster. Later, my friend told me that she thinks i'm cute but too shy.

Ladies of soompi, what does a girl mean when she says, "he's cute but he's too shy?" I translate that as, "he's cute but he's not my type. i want a man who is aggressive and not afraid to take me."

I wish i could turn the clock back to Sunday evening and do it differently. She was one of the most interesting girls i've met in the last 5 years, if not ever. She showed interest in me too but i choked on my end. I'm afraid i already turned her off. That's probably the last time i'll see her again too... *sigh*

if i were to say "he's cute but he's too shy"...it means either you get OUT of your "shy mode" and change her mind SOON or you can forget about her cuz she will forget about you since you didn't impress her that much.

if you really DO think she's the most interesting girls you've met in this long and is definitely someone you like very much, then you should at least change this rather "negative" aspect of yourself. people should change for the better for someone they really care about...

[ejin415]

.... [message deleted. wrong username]

[p.fish03]

Yea this affirms my worst fears.

To provide more info, my friend went clubbing with like 8 of his friends and he tagged me and that girl along. Again, the evening began alright but it slowly degenerated to the point where we weren't talking with each other anymore towards the end. It was late at the club when my friend came to me and was asking me what's going on. He told me she thinks i'm cute but she thinks i'm too shy and that she's waiting for me to make some moves. Of course, i couldn't muster up any momentum to be aggressive at that point. I was already too dejected. My friend wasn't impressed.

To top off the disasterous night, i was even given the glorious chance of driving her home from clubbing (although my friend was in the car too. The 3 of us.) Pretty much i was talking solely to my friend or she was talking solely to my friend and the two of us never converse with each other. We didn't close well as i didn't get her contacts. There was even one moment just before we got to her house when she hinted to me she wanted to exchange contacts but i didn't realize it until 30 seconds had past and by that time, it was too late.

What a night of missed opportunities. This has to rank up there with the saddest dates of all the years in humanity. Having said all this, i was interested in her the whole time and to this moment i haven't stopped thinking about her. I can get her contacts off my friend but that feels totally lame. I don't know what to do.
Fixable?! You think? Less pressure on how i look when we're on the phone? But all i did right was look good! They say first impressions mean everything and aside from posing well for her, i definitely didn't leave a good impression on her when it came to my personality.

First off, i'm not a clubbing type of guy. I don't social very well in large gatherings with strangers so perhaps that's an excuse i could use if i ever meet her again. She's the opposite when it comes to meeting new people. By the end of the night, she was owning the club and made at least 20 friends along the way. Her personality is very attractive. She's someone who is very outgoing, friendly, talkative, etc. I'm not at that level myself. I was actually so shy that night, i needed her to make the first move. My friend told me she was waiting for me to make my moves all night but i didn't. I may have also inadvertently showed no interest in her as a result and thus she didn't make any effort to talk to me toward the end of the night in fear of rejection. Perhaps, the way our night ended was a good indication that we are way too different to develop any sort of relationship... i don't know. Maybe i'm making excuses here...

Yes, talking on the phone would be a great idea. In fact, any setting beside clubbing would be excellent. Like i said in my reply to Shinobu however, i missed my chance to get her number. i can get it off my friend but that's sooo loser. I could ask my friend to set us up again but my friend is already not impressed by me at the club. Any suggestions?

(btw, are you a guy or girl?)
Funny thing is, there were two other girls with us that night. I had no problems getting kino with them, dancing with them, and talking dirty to them. There was nothing to lose and obviously, that's the right attitude to have. Those two girls loved me and we had so much fun. For whatever reason, shyness overtakes me when it comes to girls i really like. I mean, there is no way i would ever say the things i said to those two girls to a girl i really like and respect. Ironically, that's exactly the kind of openess i need to maintain with girls i like. Are there any suggestions to overcome this?

don't let any more time pass by.. hurry up and figure out a way to show you're interested.. and a way to get her #. getting it through your friend does kinda suck... but if it ends up being your only option just use it and explain yourself later... hopefully the more outgoing side will come out eventually... you notice that girls never date guys just on looks.. they like a guy who can make laugh. .make them smile.. etc... so its really important to show her you're not just another pretty face.

btw im' agirl. why is everyone assuming i'm a guy? -.-;;

[watcher]

hey tuff, just give it a try. however way you look at it, it doesnt change the scenario...and you've got nothing to lose, right?

[sugarcakes]

And that is because you don't want to blame yourself for choosing the wrong place to lean on as well as the expectations you have? Why feeling vulnerable now?

as for expectations...if you already know that you have expectations, wouldn't the other person have expectations of you as well? to dwell on your own needs is plain selfish (no offense), and i think you should at least try and think of the other party as well. i'm not saying not to have ANY expectations, but be realistic...we're all human...everyone makes mistakes. so even if your expectations aren't fulfilled, at least you'll learn to expect LESS (not less than you deserve, of course - but more on a practical level so you don't pull out your hair everytime your desires aren't met).

it's better to have loved than never love at all...even if a relationship doesn't last forever like you want it to, at least you'll learn from that experience. why don't you go out there and see what you can find instead of worrying about what you can find?
just an advice, if you meet a girl that you're interested in but is into "bad boys"...forget about her...at least until she grows out of that phase and come back to you cuz she realized that she made a terrible mistake.
yes, girls may have this "fantasy" about being with bad boys...but when it comes to a serious, long-term relationship, nice guys always end up first...trust me on that one.

In the past I've tried to avoid leaning on others because I didn't want to be hurt and dissapointed. I'm aware of the fact that what I was doing was not healthy and It is ok to let others in a little. That's why for the first time in a long time. I let my guard down and let someone in, and the current situation isn't exactly what I've hoped for, but I have to learn to deal. However, because of my personality and how I was never willing to risk investing more emotions in anything other than the "necessary", so this whole thing is like a new concept if you will, and it definetly hurts. I'm just loosing faith a little bit, hopefully I can pick myself back up and be ok. but not knowning how, when and why is the hardest.

as for mickey's relationship comment: i do agree its better to love and learn from the experience than never experience it at all. afterall, that's how we learn and grow. and I full understand the concept of exploring and seeing what's out there. but the difficult thing for me personally is I can not go " out there " to explore unless I can let go of the person I'm currently holding onto. and not knowning what's gonna happen is the hardest thing. all I can do is give him the time and space he needs, and have faith that even if it doesn't end the way I want, but we will be friends / on good terms.

[B0hemian_Sprite]

So, I'm not asking you guys to define love...but do you guys think that there is such a thing as love? And if so...have you felt it? What are your thoughts...?

I don't believe in love...but I always felt that the best way to know if someone cared about you is if he/she asks you if you've had something to eat yet. And I know it sounds funny, but it seems like when you care deeply about someone you want to make sure he/she is in good health and taking care of themselves.

Is that funny? I dunno...just a thought.

[awdark]

Couldn't you blend the concept of infatuation, friendship, and lust with your concept of care to come up with love? I would certainly hope that love would be more than that because imo caring is just one part of it and you can get that with friendship and family and all that.

[Tuffcore]

In the past I've tried to avoid leaning on others because I didn't want to be hurt and dissapointed. I'm aware of the fact that what I was doing was not healthy and It is ok to let others in a little. That's why for the first time in a long time. I let my guard down and let someone in, and the current situation isn't exactly what I've hoped for, but I have to learn to deal. However, because of my personality and how I was never willing to risk investing more emotions in anything other than the "necessary", so this whole thing is like a new concept if you will, and it definetly hurts. I'm just loosing faith a little bit, hopefully I can pick myself back up and be ok. but not knowning how, when and why is the hardest.

Someone once told me, "in order for a relationship to work, you've got to give 90% and only expect 10% in return."

I think these are very wise words. To me, it sounds like you're entering relationships to "take" rather than "give." Or at the very least, expecting a give/take ratio of 1:1 which is unrealistic. Solution: if you want a certain level of love in return, then you must first give 9-times that amount (my math sucks but you get the idea). Hope that helps.

[mickey012]

In the past I've tried to avoid leaning on others because I didn't want to be hurt and dissapointed. I'm aware of the fact that what I was doing was not healthy and It is ok to let others in a little. That's why for the first time in a long time. I let my guard down and let someone in, and the current situation isn't exactly what I've hoped for, but I have to learn to deal. However, because of my personality and how I was never willing to risk investing more emotions in anything other than the "necessary", so this whole thing is like a new concept if you will, and it definetly hurts. I'm just loosing faith a little bit, hopefully I can pick myself back up and be ok. but not knowning how, when and why is the hardest.

as for mickey's relationship comment: i do agree its better to love and learn from the experience than never experience it at all. afterall, that's how we learn and grow. and I full understand the concept of exploring and seeing what's out there. but the difficult thing for me personally is I can not go " out there " to explore unless I can let go of the person I'm currently holding onto. and not knowning what's gonna happen is the hardest thing. all I can do is give him the time and space he needs, and have faith that even if it doesn't end the way I want, but we will be friends / on good terms.

hmm, i guess i kind of misunderstood your situation. i think things might be a little tough cuz this is all new to you. but you know what, my current relationship with my boyfriend is also my first (and also his first) and i've learned quite a lot in the past 2 and (almost) half years.

i've always been told that i should go out and see what else i can find. but i also don't see how i can justify breaking things off with my boyfriend when nothing is wrong. i guess we'll see how things go in the future... =)

anyway, it sounds like you're in a difficult situation right now. and i hope you'll eventually come out on the better end of things and start all over. even if things don't work out and you two remain friends, i think that's still something really special cuz he knows you much much better than anyone else in this world. ^^

Couldn't you blend the concept of infatuation, friendship, and lust with your concept of care to come up with love? I would certainly hope that love would be more than that because imo caring is just one part of it and you can get that with friendship and family and all that.

i think there's different kinds of love (more like "levels" of love) that you can have for people...?

Someone once told me, "in order for a relationship to work, you've got to give 90% and only expect 10% in return."

I think these are very wise words. To me, it sounds like you're entering relationships to "take" rather than "give." Or at the very least, expecting a give/take ratio of 1:1 which is unrealistic. Solution: if you want a certain level of love in return, then you must first give 9-times that amount (my math sucks but you get the idea). Hope that helps.

wow. i like that quote a lot...

[Laxntiga]

For a 21 boy, how old is "too young"? Legal age (18) or College?


Being a very imature 21 year old affect this? I feel wrong for macn to such young girls

[CIRee]

For a 21 boy, how old is "too young"? Legal age (18) or College?
Being a very imature 21 year old affect this? I feel wrong for macn to such young girls

I try to go for girls that are 19+, mature, and smart, because who like idiots?

[UoMDeacon]

Good rule of thumb:

Divide by 2 + 7.

So for you...17.5 is ok.

For a 21 boy, how old is "too young"? Legal age (18) or College?
Being a very imature 21 year old affect this? I feel wrong for macn to such young girls

[HERMIT]

Good rule of thumb:
Divide by 2 + 7.

Interesting. That makes it 26 for me. Just out of curiosity, I wonder how this came to be considered a "good rule of thumb"? And if it also works in reverse - as in, determining if a person is too old for you....wait, that means that a 62 year old woman would be my max limit.
(Watch, I bet incyphe gets the calculation wrong - divide by 7 and add 2 - and he'd still be happy with the result. )

[incyphe]

Interesting. That makes it 26 for me. Just out of curiosity, I wonder how this came to be considered a "good rule of thumb"? And if it also works in reverse - as in, determining if a person is too old for you....wait, that means that a 62 year old woman would be my max limit.
(Watch, I bet incyphe gets the calculation wrong - divide by 7 and add 2 - and he'd still be happy with the result. )

woohoo 6 for me then!

[mj07]

Good rule of thumb:

Divide by 2 + 7.

So for you...17.5 is ok.

Well, if you're 21 yrs old and plan on dating high school girls be sure that you're very aware of what the legal age of consent is in your state. Unless, of course, you plan to never have sex with her and you have a will of steel! Seriously, don't end up in jail over it!

One of my friends is always telling me that "divide by 2 +7" rule. Pretty funny b/c I'd still consider someone that age *cough* to be too young for me!

PS that was post #1000 for me since the big crash! wow, I'm having a hard time catching up to my old 6000+