[EYJAYJAY]

well, say the girl did tell the guy afterwards that cuz of the stuff she had to deal with, she didnt have time to spend with him and she lost the feelings and love.
i agree, dealing with death is not anything easy, but, love shouldnt be lost in that case, nor feelings. how can u just simply shut your loved one out?

[purpleHead]

People change, emotions can die suddenly. If it was real love it may return. But it doesn't look like so for your situation. I'm sure she still holds some affection for you but that isn't love.

Bottomline, you can't make someone love you. No matter how much you do, if they can't love you, they won't. It's not something a person can change their mind on. Either you do or you don't. Yes or No?

Perhaps, you need to talk it out with her to get closure? Instead of concentrating on why she doesn't love you, maybe deal with why it's so hard to let her go? It's just a suggestion. Good luck.


Edit ::::: res0nate, your advice is very good. I agree it's really hard to know someone when all they show is a good exterior -- friendliness, generosity, etc ... But I think in time people reveal their true colours. It's hard not be yourself for long stretches of time.

[shiwi]

we broke up last week. it wouldve been 2 years next week.


we agreed that it wasnt a good time for us. he has no future life goals. he just started community college, i'm getting my bachelors in may. i'm super social, he's a homebody. he likes hard rock, i like r&b. hes lazy and nonchalant (a mang neh!) and i'm a first born- worry and take care of everything person... just as different as can be. life stage-wise AND personality wise.

but i can't stop thinking about him, and everything reminds me of us.





.. i guess i dont really need advice, but i guess i just needed to share. hope you all dont mind.

[Aziraphale]

It's so easy to get caught up in the moment. Wanting something to happen so much. I think at times we delude ourselves into thinking it was something more than what it was. Guys also like to create that illusion, huh? Some connections are just like passing ships in the night.

Yeah, I guess it was. All the sweet things he said... I guess I was just too caught up in the moment and I was attracted enough to want to pursue something deeper. Should have kept my head clear the moment he said he wasn't ready to promise anything. Ah well, I learn from experience then!

ONe.ShoT, as Purple has said, people change. And what she felt for you might not have been love in the first place. Might have been some very strong feelings, but she could have mistaken it for love. People do get that mixed up sometimes. Also, if she was coping with personal bereavement, that would just mess things up more. Hopefully you guys can have a talk to sort things out.

First impressions is what gets you through the door. Having that good long lasting impression keeps you interested and curious about who they really are. But you can never be too sure if thats who they are or if that's someone they want you to believe in.

Someone can say all the right things to make you smile, but does things that can break your heart.

Yep, so true.

Shiwi, big hugs for you.

[EYJAYJAY]

yeah we had a talk, and i dont believe she loved me in first place, i believe it was just a strong feeling that she mistaken for love cuz love doesnt die off that easily, not unless something big happened that's caused by or related to the person the other one loves. she wants to maintain a friendship and hope we can rebuild from that, but like many others, i dont know about trusting her if things do work out again.

[res0nate]

I gotta agree w/Moogs and Purple in regards to your worries OneShot. Ppl can wake up one morning and their feelings would suddenly change.

Shiwi, keep your head up. Any one of us go through the same motions, the same feelings too when it comes to things like that.

About the whole 'caught up in the moment' thing.. I guess it isn't too hard to fathom that most? all? ppl involved in relationships make promises and say things bc they're naive and base it on how things are, trying to preserve that moment, that feeling? You know, the whole "I'll always be there for you / I'll always love you.." kind of thing. And then breakup and all that is gone?

[theonecalledy2ckt]

we broke up last week. it wouldve been 2 years next week.
we agreed that it wasnt a good time for us. he has no future life goals. he just started community college, i'm getting my bachelors in may. i'm super social, he's a homebody. he likes hard rock, i like r&b. hes lazy and nonchalant (a mang neh!) and i'm a first born- worry and take care of everything person... just as different as can be. life stage-wise AND personality wise.

but i can't stop thinking about him, and everything reminds me of us.
.. i guess i dont really need advice, but i guess i just needed to share. hope you all dont mind.

*hugs shiwi*

hey, as long as it helps, let it out. it's better not to let these things eat up at your insides. i do that all the time, and it's never helped.

[Tuffcore]

if u love someone, can the love be lost so easily?

Nothing is immune to the Universal Law of Decay. Not even love. That is, the Second Law of Thermodynamics states "the total entropy of any thermodynamically isolated system tends to increase over time, approaching a maximum value."

[EYJAYJAY]

Nothing is immune to the Universal Law of Decay. Not even love. That is, the Second Law of Thermodynamics states "the total entropy of any thermodynamically isolated system tends to increase over time, approaching a maximum value."

lol.. nice way of putting it. and hey! ur from vancouver =]

[Tuffcore]

lol.. nice way of putting it. and hey! ur from vancouver =]

lol yea i'm half joking but mostly serious. Love seems to build up to a certain point and then the inevitable happens. Love begins to deteriorate no matter what you try to do. I know that sounds cynical but i find truth in it.

Are you from Vancouver too?

[EYJAYJAY]

i used to live in surrey.. i was planning on coming up to van this summer to visit my girl but that plan is of course, gone right now till we rebuild relationship or i just come alone.

[Tuffcore]

^ oh ic... then good luck and don't read too much into what i posted earlier lol...

Or you can still come up to Van since theres quite a bit of fish in this ocean, a lot of trees in this forest, greener grass on this other side... so to speak.

[hannguyen]

okay guys..i'm currently having a crush on this guy atm.. he's at his last year and i'm at my first year of uni..i know him through my friend cos he's my friend's brother.... he's kind, funny and popular...i think he kinda notices me by now but because he's older and more mature than me so i'm too scared that i'm gonna make a wrong move..is there any sensible, smart and effective way to confirm my feeling? plz don't tell me to ask him cos i've got no gut or ask my friend for help cos i feel like i'm using him...

[Godotology]

okay guys..i'm currently having a crush on this guy atm.. he's at his last year and i'm at my first year of uni..i know him through my friend cos he's my friend's brother.... he's kind, funny and popular...i think he kinda notices me by now but because he's older and more mature than me so i'm too scared that i'm gonna make a wrong move..is there any sensible, smart and effective way to confirm my feeling? plz don't tell me to ask him cos i've got no gut or ask my friend for help cos i feel like i'm using him...

post it in the love and relationships section.. the 20+ age rule should've been obvious as you clicked on the section link, so does the 20+ topic description for this thread, and so was the warning from earlier

[srenity]

yes yes i have a question =X

i dont really make conversations/ even try to make friends at work (it's just something i'm used to, i like to keep business for business, social for social), and this coworker made small talks with me whenever we end up having same breaks together. one time he asked if i'm going to stay at my current position (sorry, i'm too embarassed about saying where i work >_<;;; ), i said "i was trying to apply to [better position] but they never got back to me." since he works this position i asked how it was. he told me he'll recommend me if there are any openings. and i thanked him

he started talking to me about what my hobbies are, and so we talked about games. and we had a good talk about it and he said he'll let me borrow a certain game. (he just suggested, it's not like i even thought about playing it or anything)

that day where he said he'd bring it, he brought it and said "if you get stuck on anything, my number's inside , i can be a personal walkthrough" and we laughed about it.

i'm usually very naive when it comes to if a guy was making a move on me.. but did he? i really do not want that kind of attention since i have a boyfriend, and i have noooo interest in the coworker. never ever.
i'm just analyzing too much into it right?

if he is interested in me, what should i do without being rude/blunt? =X

[HERMIT]

^
Just play the game and don't call him.

Then, when you return it, thank him and tell him that you and your boyfriend enjoyed playing it together.

For future encounters, just simply think of ways to subliminally incorporate your boyfriend into the conversation ("Oh yeah, I my BF is says this/that...", etc.) to reinforce your current relationship into his mental psyche. Sooner or later, he'll get the message and give up pursuing you - if that was his agenda to begin with. Even if that wasn't what he was doing, you really wouldn't have said anything that would be considered conversationally rude.

[Majah Flavah]

^
Just play the game and don't call him.

Then, when you return it, thank him and tell him that you and your boyfriend enjoyed playing it together.

For future encounters, just simply think of ways to subliminally incorporate your boyfriend into the conversation ("Oh yeah, I my BF is says this/that...", etc.) to reinforce your current relationship into his mental psyche. Sooner or later, he'll get the message and give up pursuing you - if that was his agenda to begin with. Even if that wasn't what he was doing, you really wouldn't have said anything that would be considered conversationally rude.

good advice... there's really no need to supplement this. next question?

[sugarcakes]

I recently received flowers from an ex. His note jokingly said "It would have been two years for us." I'm rather annoyed at the guy. Of course, I know the flowers weren't sent as a reconciliation gesture, he is a no good player. It's just him trying to keep his suave and smooth image. The thing is he was never so considerate with dates/anniversaries when we were dating. In restrospect, he was a jerk during that time and I wasn't exactly nice to him either. It was a bad relationship fueled on mutual distrust. I'm so glad to be out of it now, although it was painful when it ended. A part of me is pissed that he thinks he can still play with me like that. Another part of me is silly for being pleased. I guess most people retain bittersweet memories of their exes.

It's rude not to send a thank you note, but the guy would try something in response. He is that type of guy. I guess I should just ignore him. Feels cowardly to do so. I'd like to be just as "suave" back to him but don't want to be caught up in his drama.

What is your take? Seeing an ex is just dangerous in general?

wether he's just trying to keep a smooth image or not, sending you flowers is a nice gesture. so out of good manner, i think you should send him a thank you note, just a simple " thank you for the flowers ".

if he tries to get something out of that, THEN you ignore him if you don't want to deal with him.

For those that read this and reply, thanks.

I know this is a extremely long post, but I feel that I need to start from the beginning to set up the mood so it doesn't seem like scheming or anything like that. And please don't think I'm trying to justify anything, I'm merely stating things as they are. I broke it into chunks so it would be easier to read.

My older brother is 27. He dropped out of high school then got his ged in adult school. He's "punk" and is in a pretty horrible band. He smokes weed every night, still lives at home. Never went to college. Worked at a coffee shop (at the time) and is now a waiter. He complains that my mother favors me and doesn't give him independence yet still lives at home. I automatically love him because he is my brother, however as a person I think he is pretty lame, lazy and mean.

July 2004



My 21st birthday. The day before I move to LA my older brother brings home this girl named Destinee (above). Realizing it was my 21st birthday, she took me and Carter to Friday's where she used to bartend. She proceeded to get me drunk (at 2pm nonetheless).

I really didn't think about this until now, as I recollect, but the next morning as I was getting my stuff together to leave to the airport she gives me a call asking if I wanted to have breakfast with her. But I couldn't because my flight was early. I didn't think about it, but now it does seem a little weird that she called me for a one on one breakfast and not invite my brother.

That summer

While I was wasting my life away in LA at stupid Hollywood parties, Destinee would call me every once in a while and complain about my brother. So through this we basically became friends.

Around late August, my other brother was diagnosed with Cancer (He's cancer free now). So I decide to move back to northern california.

To summarize, me and her become good friends as her and my brothers screwed up relationship falls apart after a few months of dating. She catches him seeing his ex-gf, she finds an email he sent to some girl saying he is in a "tour punk band and has always fantasized about making love to a girl like her" and basically he lied non-stop. He also threatened to kill himself because she wouldn't take him back. (which she didn't, however it such a horrible thing for him to say because he knew one of her ex boyfriends did infact kill himself because they broke up)

Sept 04-June 05

They break up. I get accepted to Central St Martins and Parsons. I intially plan to go to CSM in London but due to money costs (non of my scholarships and grants were valid overseas) I decide on parsons fall 05.

I start working at a mag in san francisco again, she has a job at a law firm in san fran. We meet up for lunch a lot. Become super close. I start to like her because we're so similar. Same age, both vegetarians, into fashion and art, 80s new wave. Everything. However she dated my brother so I set all that aside and besides I'm moving to NYC.

She starts seeing this guy named Erick, I actually know him through people. So basically I focus on working and getting ready for NYC.

Between then and me moving to NYC in June, I am stil the go to guy for problems (aka I'm in the friend zone I think). I help them resolve stuff and their relationship goes steady.

June 05


Me getting wasted with her the week before I leave

I move to NYC. She calls every so often about problems with the boyfriend, I give her advice. Same stuff.

August 05

I start dating Amanda.

Sept 05 - Now

Destinee calls me again every so often about Erick. They break up about a dozen or so times and get back together again just as much.

She texts me, IMs me, leaves me voices mails or calls, and each time she starts telling me how much she misses me (this could be just a friend thing), and that she loves me (this is a little strange to me). However, I start to tell her the same things..but then saying I love you to her made me feel uncomfortable because it was something I wanted to steer away from, so I turn it into a joke (I start saying NUBS instead of love) She plays along, but still says she loves me and misses me a lot.

I surpress it because I was dating amanda. She was dating erick. I'm in NYC. She dated my brother.

So, a while ago, Amanda breaks up with me. Dess finally officially breaks up with Erick. Since then, she's been telling me she wants to come visit. That she wants to go somewhere on vacation with me (we decided to go to Hawaii this summer). That she wants to move to NYC and just get out of California (She's a makeup artist). She still tells me she misses me. She has been lately telling me that she's been having Peter withdrawls and that whenever she eats certain vegetarian foods it reminds her of me.

Earlier, I told her that my last semester history teacher died. She was pregnant and had a stroke. She gave birth to her baby prematurely (7 weeks) and then slipped into a coma and passed away Wednesday. It was depressing and shocking. I still can't believe it.

Destinee commented that its scary to think we could die any minute.

I took that as a cue, and I started to say "Destinee, you know what. I..."

Then she says "I have to go to work..wait WHAT! WHAT"

Then I said.."YO FACE THAT'S WHAT" (Inside joke )

and then she goes ok! talk to you later.

and that was that. So, I was about this - - close to talking to her about it.
After this story..the big question(s) is (are)

1. Am I being paranoid..or does it seem like she likes me as well but doesn't want to say anything?

2. If something were to happen between me and her, would it be shady? I am not close with my brother at all and he is bitter at me for being friends with her but doesn't express it.

The kicker to this story is that my brothers ex gf (who he met up with when he was with destinee) has gotten back together with him. She's actually considering moving to NYC to go to Parsons (she graduated from UC berkeley). Being the leech my brother is, he coincidentally decides to go to the NY Film Academy. My mother tells me that he made her deposit tuition for it already. However, I made it a point to my mother that he is not living with me. However also I would like to point out that my brother is one of those types that talks rather than does. Before this he was supposed to study to be a music teacher at UCSB, before that, a park ranger (WTF?), before that? a cop, before that a bartender..you get the picture.

So to make this situation even stickier, if this is the one time he actually follows through with what he says, he could be living in NYC as well. I know, NYC is big, but if he's following his current GF, that means she will be in the same fashion building as me which means there might be a chance he will be around me and Destinee, this is assuming that something developes between me and her (and yes, I would let her move in with me)

I don't know if this matters or not (I think it does) but she didn't sleep with my brother while they were dating either. To add another R.kelly twist to this story, there is speculation that my brother is actually gay, but does not want to admit it. This is not a joke kind of thing, but pretty serious.

He got upset at Destinee for trying to, and a direct quote from her, "Take away his virginity"

He admits to me and my best friend Troy (who is his friend and a friend of the family for years) that his current gf (who he's dated now for a total of 5 years) that they never had sex either and he's only fingered her. Which makes me believe he's a virgin, which is strange because he used to come home bragging about all the girls he's i can't readed and he also told me him, destinee and her friend had a threesome.

When me and troy used to have AOL, we would find pictures of naked men on my computer after my brother would use it. When we asked him what was going on he replied that he was pretending to be a girl to see if they would send pictures.

He has a gay friend named Ali who he would have crying arguments with over the phone.

A gay porn catalog was shipped to my address here in NYC. After some credit checking, I find that someone had used to card to purchase an online subscription to a gay porn site in California, ordering some items. However, they did not change the shipping address for the catalog and the catalog was shipped to the credit cards billing address, which I had changed to NYC.

He has been rebellious and angry for a long time. My friend and I think he hides under this tough "punk" exterior. We come from a middleclass, fairly well off family, there really is no reason for him to be this way.

So basically, thoughts? if i were to tell her and something were to develop, I would want to talk to him about it..but in all honesty should I bother?

it sounds like you two really care about each other. so i feel like an ass for saying this, but i think it depends on how you feel about her. meaning since she's kinda sorta sending signals, talk to her if you do decide to go for her. but if you don't, just keeps things the way they are.

to answer your second question: no i don't think its shady if you two get together, sure she dated your brother, but that didn't work out, (and it didn't sound like they had a serious relationship), so if you two have feelings for each other, then you deserve to persue your happiness.

[hannguyen]

post it in the love and relationships section.. the 20+ age rule should've been obvious as you clicked on the section link, so does the 20+ topic description for this thread, and so was the warning from earlier

sorry mod this is my last post in here plz dun give me ani more warnings..i'll b more careful next time..my bad

[theonecalledy2ckt]

yes yes i have a question =X

i dont really make conversations/ even try to make friends at work (it's just something i'm used to, i like to keep business for business, social for social), and this coworker made small talks with me whenever we end up having same breaks together. one time he asked if i'm going to stay at my current position (sorry, i'm too embarassed about saying where i work >_<;;; ), i said "i was trying to apply to [better position] but they never got back to me." since he works this position i asked how it was. he told me he'll recommend me if there are any openings. and i thanked him

he started talking to me about what my hobbies are, and so we talked about games. and we had a good talk about it and he said he'll let me borrow a certain game. (he just suggested, it's not like i even thought about playing it or anything)

that day where he said he'd bring it, he brought it and said "if you get stuck on anything, my number's inside , i can be a personal walkthrough" and we laughed about it.

i'm usually very naive when it comes to if a guy was making a move on me.. but did he? i really do not want that kind of attention since i have a boyfriend, and i have noooo interest in the coworker. never ever.
i'm just analyzing too much into it right?

if he is interested in me, what should i do without being rude/blunt? =X

when you're at work, tell your bf to call you, and at the very least have very affection conversations. perhaps that'll make it a little more obvious to that guy