[Dim Sum]

just a few minutes ago this girl I know got into an ugly fight with her bf. Her paranoid bf accused her of cheating simply because she received a text message from an unknown guy, saying happy thanks giving. The girl vehemently denied the accusation of an affair. The paranoid guy, refused to believe her and accused her of cheating etc. and told her the relationship was over. The girl deeping in love with the guy repeatedly denied the accusation,hoping to regain his trust, while sobbing inconsolably and screaming at the top of her lungs.

Here is the situation of both of them:

guy:
previous serious relationship was cheated on a his ex.
then had a mental breakdown.
Serious mental problem, paranoid, marijuana addict, tempter problem, don't trust anyone, very profane and abusive.

girl:
deeply in love with the guy,
so deeply in love, she forgives him time after time, after time, through fights, verbal, physical, and mental abuse.
had her phone broken a second time over the same thing, cellphone texting or calling from a random guy, even telemarketers = affair.
isn't the brightest girl in the world.


So while I was consoling her, (I have never been in a relationship before so what I said may be out of touch) I told her that there is no love in her relationship. I told her that she may deeply love him, but he does not love her. Because if he does, he would not hurt her like he does. And also there is no trust in the relationship. (her response is he does not trust anyone). And all relationships need a good trust as a foundation. I also told her that he does not really care about her, since he repeatedly abuse her mentally, physically, emotionally, and verbally. I told her that she as options and choices and that she has a choice to leave the relationship. I said that though he is hurting her, she is hurting her self even more for staying in a relationship that hurting her.

Then, I took a bad turn in consoling her. Her parents are divorced. From what she said, her father was a drunkard.
I told her that since her parents are divorced, there must have been some type of problem in the relationship. I tried to tell her that not every relationship works out perfectly like a fairytale, but before I could finish she cut me off and told me I was not helping her, and I should shut up.
I did shut up in the end because she would not stop crying, until my mom intervined.

Did I do anything wrong?

[Meenuh]

I can't say you did anything wrong by telling her how it is but those types of talks are better left until she's calm and thinking rationally. As a friend I feel that your first step should have been cheering her up and then telling her how it is.

[eigengrau.]

I prefer talking to them that way rather than just soothe
them with false words, even if it may work better.

Some aren't false though.. 'cause nice words can't be wrong either.

Sometimes, it's better to have them think of what you think they're
doing wrong, so that they learn to not make the same mistake.

Comparing it with her divorced parents was probably hard on her..
but I still think you did well.

I hope she'll thank you for being honest about your thoughts later on.
I also hope she gets over that breakup soon );

[supplayarr]

no. for a normal person.

she, as you and i can both agree on, isn't that smart.
i dont think you should have talked about her parents.
maybe say sorrry.
comfort her and maybe tomorrow or in a few hours tell her that she should in fact just stop seeing the guy.
tell her:
"he doesnt yell at you because he loves you. its because he hates you and thinks you're always lying.
how can you live with such a person. find a new guy. there are plenty of adequate ones in this world.
lets just try to find another guy for now. maybe like a rebound. and if you really dont like the ones that that treat you with respect, il call up your old bf and you can live unhappily ever after"
actually, be less sarcastic than i am.
you're probably a little angry at how she acted right? me too. shes just.. unstable right now. calm her down.

[sus]

hm prob her parents divorce is a bit screwed up
so shes pretti sensitive....

maybe u should apologise n tell her u didnt mean it that way

[g-yo]

No, technically you are not wrong.

However, you just did the right thing at the wrong time.
She was emotionally unstable - you should have comforted her first, and then had a more serious talk after.

But since that option is gone now, what I would do is let her cool off, and then go back and have the serious talk.
Don't talk about her family and about her family's divorce - that's rude.
Just avoid that topic even if she brings it up.
Tell her that she's being too forgiving and that while love isn't always a fairytale and there may be rough parts, rough doesn't mean abuse and distrust.

She needs to stop being stupid about her relationship and stop trying to be the good Samaritan.
And she needs her boyfriend to get a reality check or something or at least go to a psychiatrist.

[april_showers]

I tried to tell her that not every relationship works out perfectly like a fairytale

From her point of view you're just rubbing it in that she's not meant to be happily in a relationship with this guy. You're just trying to help but, as someone else pointed out, she's emotionally unstable.

And you shouldn't have made the connection between her parents' divorce and the state of her current relationship, even though it may explain why she's acting the way she is. Some people hate being compared to their parents, especially when they're bad role models.

She doesn't need to hear your logical explanations of why things are screwed up, what she needs is emotional support. Tell her she deserves more than what she's getting. Ask her if she think's its worth it to be dealing with a guy who's obviously still hung up over some mini cooper that's happened to him with another girl. Try your best to convince her that it's not worth it but try and avoid saying negative things like "you're stupid for doing this to yourself"

[Lie]

I thought the hook was going to be that you consoled her by making a move on her or something. Nah, I don't think you did anything wrong at all, she just wasn't really in the mood to hear it.