[nyc88]

Here is a short essay required by one of the colleges I'm appling. I'll give you the question and essay. Can someone please revise it for any grammatical errors. If there are others you think I need work besides grammer, I'm open to suggestions! ***The blank is the name of the college***

“Education does not accomplish anything if it does not stretch your mind, if it does not force you to think about things in different ways, if it does not challenge you to examine some of your assumptions,” writes Provost Jamshed Bharucha in ____ 's admissions viewbook. Describe the aspects of _____'s curriculum or undergraduate program that prompt your application to the University’s Class of 2010.

The saying by Provost Jamshed Bharucha seems to embody what ______ expects of its students. ________ wants its students to stretch their minds and explore the various opportunities and academic interests that it has to offer. With this in mind, the aspect that I find most appealing of ______ is its strong Liberal Arts curriculum that will give me a well-rounded education.
I have my heart set in medicine. I have always wanted to become a doctor since I was young because I enjoy learning about medicine and helping others. However, the _____curriculum does not allow me to concentrate just on my premedical program, it also encourages me to explore and develop various interests and think critically and be curious, which I believe is a key to success.
As I read through the _____ website and its view book, I notice there are so many opportunities for education to pursue. I believe a liberal arts education will make me think critically beyond the traditional boundaries of my pursuit in premed. What even more amazes me is along with the rigorous work demanded of Premed and the liberal art curriculum, I will have room to pursue electives, extra-curricular and sports that I may be interested in.


Thanks in advance!

[cyberfruit]

Pm'd.

[nyc88]

Pm'd.

Pm'd???

[ronmexico]

With this in mind, the aspect that I find most appealing of ______ is its strong Liberal Arts curriculum that will give me a well-rounded education.

This should probably read, "With this in mind, the aspect of Tufts (this is for Tufts, right?) I find most appealing is its strong liberal arts curriculum, which will give me a well-rounded education."

I have my heart set in medicine.

Set on medicine.

I have always wanted to become a doctor since I was young

You can say, "I have always wanted to become a doctor," or, "I have wanted to become a doctor since I was young," but you shouldn't really say both.

However, the _____curriculum does not allow me to concentrate just on my premedical program, it also encourages me to explore and develop various interests and think critically and be curious, which I believe is a key to success.

I don't think you want to say that the curriculum doesn't "allow" you to concentrate on premed, because that makes it sound like its forcing you to do something you don't want to. You could say that it doesn't require you to focus soley on premed, but that it allows you to explore and develop various interests, etc.

What even more amazes me is along with the rigorous work demanded of Premed and the liberal art curriculum, I will have room to pursue electives, extra-curricular and sports that I may be interested in.

If you really want to say that this "amazes" you, which might not be the best word to use, then it should read, "What amazes me even more is that, despite the rigorous work the premed major demands, I will have room to pursue electives, extra-curricular activities and sports."

[nyc88]

This should probably read, "With this in mind, the aspect of Tufts (this is for Tufts, right?) I find most appealing is its strong liberal arts curriculum, which will give me a well-rounded education."
Set on medicine.
You can say, "I have always wanted to become a doctor," or, "I have wanted to become a doctor since I was young," but you shouldn't really say both.
I don't think you want to say that the curriculum doesn't "allow" you to concentrate on premed, because that makes it sound like its forcing you to do something you don't want to. You could say that it doesn't require you to focus soley on premed, but that it allows you to explore and develop various interests, etc.
If you really want to say that this "amazes" you, which might not be the best word to use, then it should read, "What amazes me even more is that, despite the rigorous work the premed major demands, I will have room to pursue electives, extra-curricular activities and sports."

Thanks for revising my essay! What word should I use instead of "amaze?"

[koumi]

Pm'd.

which means that that user pmed you with any edits on your essay.

[ronmexico]

Well, you could use "impress" instead.