[4ever_sweet]

I really need help. I don't know what to do. This is also my first time working in the professional world. I love my job....it's just that ONE guy I can't stand!

When I first started work, I needed to get a lot of equipment like a laptop, blackberry, etc. because I work on support (it's not all that great especially when you're on-call). Anyways, to get some of the things approved, I needed to go take a visit to the department that GUY works in.

On my way there, I met him. He's Asian and so am I, so that's probably why he even approached me in the first place. Because this was still my 1st week of work, I was still excited to meet new people. We talked briefly, and he asked me to join him for lunch the next day. I figured why not? Btw, he's 40+, single, is the same nationality as me, & has the same last name as me. (For my culture, having the same last names forbid two from flirting/dating/etc.) I figured since we are of the same last name, it would be okay to go to lunch with him.

After that one lunch, he started asking me to go to lunch with him everyday, asking me to take breaks with him everyday, etc. At first, I didn't mind...because I seriously didn't know anyone else at the time anyways. I went to lunch with him a few times (eating at the work cafeteria)...and taking breaks whenever I had time. He asked me quite a few personal questions, but still in my mind, I figured...he has the same last name as me, he shares the same culture, there's no way he could be hitting on me.

About a week later, he asks me to go watch a movie with him. I found that somewhat awkward, i barely knew him...so I said no. He asked me again, saying it would be fun to watch a movie with a "good" friend. My answer didn't change.

After that week, (at work, there's a chat application), he starts messaging "good-morning" to me every day, the moment I get in to work. He still constantly asks me to go to lunch and breaks, but I stopped responding to him the moment I started to feel umcomfortable around him. I've been avoiding him for a good 2 months now, but he STILL messages me every day.

I always get totally freaked whenever he sends messages like this:

"You left early yesterday. I missed you."
"Do you think there's any hope left for an ugly guy like me to find a pretty girl...like you?"
"Hey, if you ever need anything, call me on my cell phone ok? xxx-xxx-xxxx"
"Do you know how to ride a motorcycle? If not, I can teach you."
"Want to drop by my cubicle for some juice?"

And the list goes on. I always get scared to run into him during work because then, I'd have to talk to him. (It's happened a few times, I just tell him I'm busy and run off) What do I do? He won't stop messaging me, and we use Lotus Notes, so I'm not sure how to block him if that's even possible. Help?

*Updates on Page 2, 3, & 5.

[Phaze5ive]

Tell him to stop and it's making you uncomfortable. If he doesn't, submit his ass to HR for sexual harassment. Then start packing mace or get a gun. The Glock 23 is the ultimate ccw.

(For my culture, having the same last names forbid two from flirting/dating/etc.)

And what culture is this?

[yellow_munky]

^
I remember hearing that Korean people believe this thing, although i am 100% sure, or it could have been some other race. O-O


oh that sounds pretty scary.....and stalker-like.......i can't blame you for feeling uncomfortable.

oh and how old are u? i am assuming that there is a huge age gap between you guys.

i kind of know how you feel since i kind of experience the same thing, but it wasn't like yours!

[4ever_sweet]

^I'm 22. So yes, it's quite a HUGE age difference. But so what happened in your experience? How did you deal with it?

[B0hemian_Sprite]

I think you should talk to him first about it. Be assertive, let him know you're being serious, that you're uncomfortable.

if that doesn't work, you should tell HR about sexual harrassment...

good luck hun

[Buggy]

You HAVE to tell him point blank that you are not interested in him. You need to tell him that unless it's work related, don't call or send any more messages to you. Be sure to document everything. If he continues, then you should go to HR.

[Dr Facepalm]

o i hope ur not korean that would imply that the guy is korean - o_O lately ive been hearing alot about old korean guys and how some of them are and i kinda get like pissed cuz im korean
yea im hating but whatever


for advice u should be like u remind me of one of my dads friends so i think its kinda weird for you to hit on me. lol just kidding
mmm this guy has it bad must be divorced or never had a girl etc

2 months? i dunno i mean if he goes beyond the chat app you might have to contact HR but that would be kind of mean considering how he is but you might not have a choice



"Do you think there's any hope left for an ugly guy like me to find a pretty girl...like you?"... he did not say that did he? o god

[be_mellow]

omg 40 year old hitting on you 22. You could call him papa. You should tell him how uncomfortable you are and stop messaging you. Now, do you talk to other co-workers? It would be nice if you start having lunch with them instead. Have you tried telling him you are in a relationship? (or at least lie and say you have a bf), maybe he will back off that way......

[borkborkbork]

sounds like you work at an accounting firm! for some reason these kinds of things always happen in accounting firms, especially at the big 4~ lots of great people to work with, but somehow there's always a few creepy people.

seriously, this has happened to my coworkers/friends at work. they've each handled it different ways, but it worked out for them. one already had a boyfriend, so when the awkward guy came into our room to hit on her, i would always mention the boyfriend. i would always find a way to bring up the boyfriend.

one person just had to drop a lot of hints and do a lot of avoiding, but eventually the guy got the picture. but sadly, asian men are really slow at this. too blind/stubborn to realize and take the hint.

in lotus notes, you can always create a filter to send his email to a specific folder. then you can have some documentation if you go to hr. you can't block somebody directly on sametime, and most companies disabled the logging feature. he keeps on messaging you, you can always copy and paste the chat into microsoft word and save those for more documentation.

seems like you've already tried being subtle. you probably have to be more direct, and maybe confront him about it. if that doesn't work, going to HR is always the best thing to do.

[lovefool]

You can go to your supervisor (or whoever is your superior..sorry i can't figure out what job you have >_<) and tell them what happened! But maybe you should've say his name first. maybe you could start by telling your supervisor somewhere along the lines of "what would you do if a coworker has been constantly making another worker feel uncomfortable...."
I"m scared that if you do say his name and he gets fired then he'll probably know you told them and he'll stalk you again! (who knows)

i just got off my hr class and all the things your saying..it is sexual harrassment. There should be a clear policy on that subject in the place your working at


hope that helps

[HERMIT]

...that ONE guy I can't stand!.....He's Asian.....he's 40+, single.......I started to feel umcomfortable around him......
"Do you think there's any hope left for an ugly guy like me to find a pretty girl...like you?"

Wow. Really creepy. Reminds me of somebody ... just...can't .... quite...place my finger on it....

In cases of perceived harassment, it's best to act with caution and to proceed along the most reasonable chain of events before jumping the gone and going straight to the top and making hasty allegations. Although this behavior may have been ongoing for a couple of months now, somehow suspect that necessary documentation that you may have probably extends to no more than heresay. You will need more than that.

By following reasonable chain of events, I mean that you need to first take the steps to resolve this issue internally before widening the scope of the problem and having to include outside parties. But the key thing here is to first play it smart and document everything as you go along. Since you seem to have a chat application through which his advances can be recorded, documentation should be a fairly easy thing to accomplish. Figure out a way to be able to save the chat dialogue - save it as a file, if possible; print it out, take a screen shot of it...whatever. If you have another coworker in whom you could confide in and share this problem, then perhaps have that person witness these chat advances as it actually transpires.

The first step, obviously, is to be assertive and tactful in conveying to this man that you are NOT interested in entertaining any of his invites - now or in the future. Make it perfectly clear and understood. Give a good reason why: you don't believe in intra-office fraternization or you don't feel comfortable fraternizing with a much older man. Hopefully, this is something that can be done via the aforementioned chat application where this can all be well-documented. Not only would you have proof of his advance, you would have proof that you did the due diligence of conveying your non-assent to the advance and making your feelings known. Moreover, a possibly even bigger key is how he responds to your declining his invitation. Maybe this might not be the only incident that will occur. If it happens a number of times, be sure to handle each occurence the exact same way and document them every time. In doing so, you are basically "building your case".

In any event, by following this first step, you are able to demonstrate, with proof, that you have given the man the benefit of the doubt, you have given him every opportunity to back off under his own power, and that you yourself have made every effort to try and resolve the issue at the interpersonal level.

If this all does not work and the harassment continues, the next step is to take it up with your immediate supervisor. Present to the supervisor the crux of the problem and show to him or her the documented evidence that you've compiled in showing how you've tried to resolve this at the interpersonal level. Since you were unable to resolve it up to this point, then convey to the supervisor that you have no other recourse than to report it up one level in hopes that it can be resolved at the management level. This is the first part of "going up the chain of command". At this point, it would generally be the policy that your supervisor will have to consult with the other man's supervisor (assuming you don't share the same one) and having them hash out a way of taking disciplinary action. Typically, management would have to bring in this man to inform him of your complaint, present to him the evidence as you've provided, counsel him on the matter - and with any luck, he will get the message and stop the offending behavior. Sometimes, this kind of 'in house' disciplinary action should be enough in hopefully resolving the issue.

But in the event that this cannot be resolved - such as, the man vehemently denies the behavior and fights the allegations; or, he still continues to harass you despite the managerial warning/counseling - only then, I imagine, would the issue be kicked up one serious notch and deferred over to Human Resources for a more thorough investigation. When it gets to this point, this where your documentation will come in handy in helping defend your case. So remember, above all: that in whatever you do, make sure your actions are measured and well-documented. You don't want it to fall into a "he said, she said" argument that may never get resolved.

In summary, try to first diffuse the issue face-to-face; if that fails, report it next to management to try and handle it in-house; if, after all that, nothing is resolved, go to human resources as your last resort. This is the most reasonable recourse to follow rather than trying to take the problem "right to the top". To take it straight to human resources without following proper protocol might make you look too hasty and vindictive in your interpretation of the incident. By appearances sake, it might compromise the validity of your claims. And if all you have to support it is just hearsay, then your allegations are further weakened. As unfair as it may sound, you at the very least owe it to the guy to give him the opportunity to back down from his behavior and to be made aware that his advances are unwelcome. The key thing is that you have to be able to prove that you enacted these two things. If you are unable to demonstrate that you attempted these two things, then you will have some big problems yourself once you start making accusations, whether it be to management or human resources. In absence of said evidence, you leave the man a plausible counter-argument that he "didn't know" that his advances were unwelcome (after all, you did assent to having lunch with him a number of times). So don't just stop short in just saying "no". Make sure he KNOWS WHY and that he needs to STOP!

Anyway, best of luck to you - hope you can get this guy to stop hounding you.

[chinkboye22]

HEY I THINK HE LIKES U !!!!!!!!!!! ^______________^ \/
and what does he mean by "Want to drop by my cubicle for some juice?" what do u mean juice..........
LOL just playing, on a serious note, like some ppl said make up something about you having a boyfriend or just tell him to straight up stop cuz you are bothered by him

on the long note, i hope i don't end up like that guy :|

[JDM6]

Hermit pretty said it all. That is kinda creepy indeed.

Plus, you can start wearing a ring on your left ring finger and try to make it noticable. Lots of guys will back off at the sight of the ring and very few will even question it. I'd try to stick with other co-workers while walking out of the building, to your car for example. Good luck.

[badboy yardy]

well this is the moment in your life where you need to set the foot down. good luck!

[skim_milk]

ask a good guy friend to do u a favor and tell him to drop by ure work to drop off some good LOL and tell ppl thats your bf, make sure the creepy guy hears it too.

----
I loled at

"Want to drop by my cubicle for some juice?"

LOLLLLLL

[Mr Boo Boo]

i agree with everything hermit said in his post

[Tuffcore]

"Want to drop by my cubicle for some juice?"

HAHA... almost spewed coffee all over my keyboard and monitor reading that!

I agree with Hermit. Say NO to his advances but also say WHY (without being too rude of course) so he gets it. Be upfront about it and be honest about your lack of interest. Don't run away.

[cksdayoff]

if u have a really good guy friend, you should make him pretend he's your boyfriend or something and that you make sure that the asian steve carell sees you with him, arm in arm.

[Tuxedomask]

Holy Chit...

HERMIT wrote an essay and I give it an A+.

This guy has a stalker-type persona. Be very cautious of what you say and what you might imply when you say it. I would suggest making some more friends at work and therefore giving you a very liable excuse. The moment he realizes you are avoiding him he will turn up the heat and it will get very creepy from then on.

I agree with notifying someone higher up in the office food chain so they are away of his behavior. Don't be afraid to speak up, just because your the new girl doesn't make your safety any less important.

Keep us updated. Stay Safe and if worse comes to worse just spray him in the face with mace

[Raito!]

SAME LAST NAME? does he know that?

SAME LAST NAME = SIGN OF SIBLINGHOOD = INCEST!!! make him aware!!!