[nyc88]

I have two essays, one from two different colleges. I'm mainly looking for grammer mistakes, but if you think there other areas that I need to work on, feel free to comment! For anyone who revises my essays, I thank you in advance. (The blanks are the name of the location or the name of the college).

1. The college X asks how the enviroment that I was influenced the person I am today.

Before I moved to ________ five years ago, I lived in ________ for eleven years.
The majority of people living in the Bronx were minorities and some were the first generations to live in America, like my parents. These people are who influenced me to be the person I am today and the person I hope to continually be.
My parents and the other first generations say the same thing: they immigrated to the United States because of the belief that America is the land of opportunity, but the opportunity is not for themselves, but for their children, to give them the best education. For eleven years, I grew around people telling me that I must work diligently in school, go to one of the nation’s top colleges and become successful in whatever career path I choose. The people who’ve been telling me this all of my life, shaped me into the person I am today. These people who came to America from their homeland in a foreign country endure adversities everyday just to give their children the best education continues to motivate me to put my best effort to everything I do to make their and my parents’ obstacles worthy and meaningful.

2. The college Y asks what aspect I find most appealing about their college.

The most appealing aspect of ___________is its core curriculum. The core curriculum is what gives _______ its own intellectual identity apart from other top colleges. I believe it will be an opportunity for me to broaden my mind and gain perspective on other areas besides my concentrated major. It allows me to develop new interests that I may have never been introduced to if it haven't been for ____________ core curriculum.

[cyberfruit]

I have two essays, one from two different colleges. I'm mainly looking for grammer mistakes, but if you think there other areas that I need to work on, feel free to comment! For anyone who revises my essays, I thank you in advance. (The blanks are the name of the location or the name of the college).

1. The college X asks how the enviroment that I was influenced the person I am today.

Before I moved to ________ five years ago, I lived in ________ for eleven years.
The majority of people living in the Bronx were minorities and some were the first generations to live in America, like my parents. These people are who influenced me to be the person I am today and the person I hope to continually be.
My parents and the other first generations say the same thing: they immigrated to the United States because of the belief that America is the land of opportunity, but the opportunity is not for themselves, but for their children, to give them the best education. For eleven years, I grew around people telling me that I must work diligently in school, go to one of the nation’s top colleges and become successful in whatever career path I choose. The people who’ve been telling me this all of my life, shaped me into the person I am today. These people who came to America from their homeland in a foreign country endure adversities everyday just to give their children the best education continues to motivate me to put my best effort to everything I do to make their and my parents’ obstacles worthy and meaningful.

2. The college Y asks what aspect I find most appealing about their college.

The most appealing aspect of ___________is its core curriculum. The core curriculum is what gives _______ its own intellectual identity apart from other top colleges. I believe it will be an opportunity for me to broaden my mind and gain perspective on other areas besides my concentrated major. It allows me to develop new interests that I may have never been introduced to if it haven't been for ____________ core curriculum.

Grammar*

1st: Saying "majority" of a certain thing then "some were" of another doesn't flow well. You could say "the poplulation of the Bronx was a mix of minorites and first-generation.." or "The people of the Bronx were a well blended mix of minorities such as first generation.." and go from there.

2nd: First generation what? You have to list what you are. First generation Chinese...1st generation Korean..etc.

3rd: Is ---> Was.

4th: What type of people? You're being repetitve. Your teachers? Your neighbors? Your family? Your friends?

Your 2nd essay is good. I didn't find any errors or necessary changes. Only thing about it is that it's quite dull but, you get to the point, which is better than beating around the bush.

[ronmexico]

The majority of people living in the Bronx were minorities and some were the first generations to live in America, like my parents.

I don't think you need to make the change cyberfruit suggested here, because it's clear that the first-generation population is a subset of the minority population, not a separate thing. But what I would do is change "some" to "many" and make generations singular.

These people are who influenced me to be the person I am today and the person I hope to continually be.

First, I would change the begining to "these are the people who." Second, "hope to continually be" is a split infinitive, which you should always avoid. Technically speaking, the proper way to say this is "hope continually to be," which is a little awkward, so you might want to change it to something like "hope to remain" or something else.

My parents and the other first generations say the same thing: they immigrated to the United States because of the belief that America is the land of opportunity, but the opportunity is not for themselves, but for their children, to give them the best education.

While I agree with cyberfruit that you should mention, at some point, where your parents actually came from, I don't think you should do so here. The essay is about the first-generation population of the Bronx generally, not your specific ethnic group.

First, I wouldn't refer to people as "first generations." You can call them either "first-generation immigrants," "recent immigrants" or just "immigrants," but not "first generations." Second, you don't need to repeat opportunity twice like that. You can just say "...the land of opportunity, not for themselves, but for their children." You should probably end the sentence there (it's kind of long as it is) and then make a separate sentence about how their principle motivation is to give their children the best education possible.

For eleven years, I grew around people

I think you should just say, "For my entire life, I've grown up (be sure to add "up" after grow, in any event) around people..."

who’ve

Avoid using contractions. Just say, "who have."

These people who came to America from their homeland in a foreign country endure adversities everyday just to give their children the best education continues to motivate me to put my best effort to everything I do to make their and my parents’ obstacles worthy and meaningful.

First off, this sentence is really long, so you should definitely try to cut it down. Also, watch your subject-verb agreement. If the "people" are motivating you, then you should say "continue," not "continues." Additionally, you need a comma after "people." You can also shorten "homeland in a foreign country" to "foreign homelands," or "distant homelands" or something. It should also be plural since, again, you're talking about a number of different groups who did not all come from the same place.

You don't really "put" an effort to something. You could probably say "give" instead. You could also just say "worthwhile" instead of "worthy and meaningful."

The second essay is for Columbia, right? It's funny how you always omit the school's name but still make it possible to tell which school it is.

Anyway, I would just substitute "distinct from" rather than "apart from," say "area of concentration" instead of "concentrated major" and drop "if it haven't been for," (which is both a contraction and grammatically wrong) replacing it with "if not for."