[from_the_depth_of_dreams]

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of pondering about my life. I feel rather frustrated and full of angst. In my attempts, I have not gotten much from the guys. From the things that they have said to me when I tried to talk to them, it makes me feel misunderstood. I have been single for nearly two years and have put in efforts towards dating. I actually recently reached a conclusion pertaining to whether or not I should continue pursuing this girl, which was to stop.
I feel that something is certainly wrong for being unsuccessful with putting in efforts for nearly two years. I perceive the matter as if it was a high competitive cut-throat competition, or a rat race for a better word. Although, it is not true that women are a scarcity, but I feel it is highly competitive. I often feel that my past failures were my fault. After facing a failure, I feel that there is no better option but to improve myself.
An example of this failure would be a girl lying that she needs to concentrate on studies and no longer date, but had already made plans to be with someone else she met at her college orientation. He is more successful than I am as well, and has a career lined up for him. He has a great life given to him by his family. Another example which was from another post was that I’ve lost to someone “cuter”. I don’t blame them for these shortcomings; I think that it’s the way of the world and after all, it is about the survival of the fittest.
What frustrates me is that I see living examples of the entire opposite, which may make this a paradox. There was a cute girl that once caught my attention. After talking to her, I learned she had a boyfriend. This boyfriend is a pushover and from other people who know him describes him as a weenie or p_ssy. He is also on the heavy side, has disregard for a sense of fashion, unemployed, arrogant, and is smooth as sandpaper.

Sorry to sound like an a$$hole, but I am completely stumped by how he manages to keep that I end up with shortcomings and have been unsuccessful for the past two years. Due to my failures, I strive hard to become a better man with more favorable attributes. I maintain my appearance rather well such as always having my hair cut, cleanly shaven, or intricately trimmed when I decide to keep facial hair. I put in as much work as I can at the gym, which is a work in progress. I am rather thin, but trying to build muscle. I am also very driven when it comes to my career. I work 30 hours a week, go to school full time as a double majoring student, and also pursuing a vocational skill license on top of that. So compared to that guy, I believe I have more favorable attributes and much more drive and ambition, but I still fail in the area of meeting someone nice. I also put in effort to socialize and flirt as well. I’m the type of person who will use all resources possible. Such as talking about a book in a girls hand at the book store to make conversation and so forth, Pretty much, I’m a “go-getter”!? Also, I kind of live by the philosophy of something like: it’s highly competitive, and you fight it with whatever you can until the day you collapse.
I have tried to talk to the guys about this frustration and I have not gotten any good insight about it. A close friend tells me that I live and fuel off angst of not being able to have something. Although, I have a very calm appearance, he tells me that he sees someone full of angst from living a life of not having much and just ready to break bones [not literally] to gain things. He believes that it’s not a good way to live. Another close friend responds saying that I can be competitive at times and I need to just relax and be patient and things will fall in place. I myself feel that I am self reliant and I rarely depend on anyone for most things. That makes me feel that I have the need to make things happen for myself rather than just waiting. I also feel that’s the way to live, being ambitious and just trying to make a better tomorrow if today sucks.
What I feel is that I sometimes push it pretty far. From working harder than others, I sometimes I feel that I deserve more than some people out there. I also feel very self reliant and rely on no one but myself because I didn’t have too many dependable people in my earlier years. Am I wrong for feeling frustrated by this paradox? I understand that I am not a machine and not that every input comes out as an output. I am just trying to figure out why I’ve been failing in dating or attempts of for such a long time.

[LUVSSOURCREAM]

who would want to be with such a pessimistic person?


in your other thread about that girl, i replied that you're way dramatic. and i find this post dramatic as well. that's just life, it's just the way it is. sometimes i find your writing a bit repetitive when you can just get to the point. maybe thats where you get yourself misunderstood. from your writing, it seems like you want people to feel sympathetic for you but you cover it up with a strong front. i think you have to figure yourself out a bit more.

as to why the failing at date attempts, im assuming you give out this uncomfortable awkward vibe, always having the feeling of need to say something? to make up for what you think you lack. don't know if i made sense or that im right about it. but good luck

[cutiek028]

I’m the type of person who will use all resources possible. Such as talking about a book in a girls hand at the book store to make conversation and so forth, Pretty much, I’m a “go-getter”!?"

I'm not much of an expert in relationships...but it seems to me that you are forcing yourself to be likable. You never act like yourself. I think if you were just yourself and didn't force it, eventually someone will come your way. I mean, even if you do get a girlfriend, she will be liking this person you 'made'. Won't it be tiring keeping up appearances and not being able to be yourself around her? So I think you have to stop focusing on that so much. Why don't you just try to make friends with girls first? I'm sure you are naturally likable.

You sound so assertive, and from what you wrote, it sounds that in real life you act super regal, which I think is cool. I bet other people will think it's cool too!

[한스 ㅋㅋ]

Your main goal in life should not be finding girl. Which means, you shouldn't be complaining if you can't get a girl. Your main goal in life should be being successful.


Ever heard of this quote.
Winning a girl's affection is like catching a butterfly. If you chase it, it will run away. If you sit down calmly, it might land on you.

found that on some blog I think but I forgot which one xD

obviously if you keep chasing them, they will run away. and it looks like you are chasing them, because otherwise you wouldn't be complaining.

PLUS, what the hell is so wrong with being single for 2 years? is it just me, but it sounds like you're saying it's a must to have a girlfriend every year. Well then in that case I'm pretty bad, since I've been single for 15 years.

[terrorist]

You're too desperate
and too intelligent lol
girls like stupid fun guys.
If you're intelligent, girls like it when guys keep it to themselves.
If a girl wants to talk about books, don't.
That means it's heading towards a friendship level relationship.

Don't get the wrong message as in stupid.. like 1.5 average etc etc.
Stupid as in.. talking about non-sense, connecting conversations that keeps flowing rationally.

Just be relaxed..
I've been single for a year. being single is actually a blessing sometimes, trust me.

Winning a girl's affection is like catching a butterfly. If you chase it, it will run away. If you sit down calmly, it might land on you.

May i also add something to this quote, i like it. but not entirely true.
If you wait and do nothing like an idiot, it'll just fly by you.

My suggestion is, be in the butterfly's presence by following her (chasing her) but in a distance. so the butterfly will take notice of you, but not be running away =p

[wallflower_;]

To be honest, judging from what I read (i.e. talking about being "unsuccessful" after putting in all the "effort" and perceiving the matter as a "high competitive cut-throat competition"), you sound like the type of guy I always try to avoid.

You sound really desperate... and desperate guys are really off-putting.
Yes, looks and credentials matter to some point...but if you come off as somebody who is trying too hard, it comes across as being really really unattractive.

While you may think that you're not appearing as desperate, a lot of girls are pretty good at picking these things up. I'm sure that you're a nice guy, but if you treat this whole relationship issue as a "competition" and trying to outdo other guys and pursue girls by trying to be somebody that you're not...I don't think that you'll have much luck.

Just, relax and be yourself and girls will appreciate it more.

From my own experience, I've met guys in the past who tried to match their interests to mine, appear super intelligent and try to appear to be the "perfect guy" that you normally see on kdramas. It makes the entire experience awkward, and I made a lot of excuses to avoid them afterwards because they appeared "fake" and they made me feel extremely uncomfortable. However, there was a guy who dropped his "try hard" facade, and acted more like himself...and I found him more attractive actually.

[한스 ㅋㅋ]

May i also add something to this quote, i like it. but not entirely true.
If you wait and do nothing like an idiot, it'll just fly by you.

yeah I guess you have to be somewhere near the butterfly (girl) otherwise nothing will happen like you said lol

[Shikabane Hime]

Chicks dig fanfix.

[spidey-suite]

crack addicts have problems. people starving in third world countries have a hard life. your life seems pretty jolly to me. but that's just me.

[princesspoppy]

You are trying too hard. Just enjoy the ride. Have fun.

[Shikabane Hime]

people starving in third world countries have a hard life.

When your parents die in a horrible car crash, I'll say just that.
I mean seriously, what are you getting at? Trying to sound righteous?

Note: Yes, I'm aware that they may have died in a car crash or a similar way, or they may have divorced when you were young, or whatever.

[ly*chee]

Don't try so hard to find "it".
You'll realize you missed out on a lot of things because you were more focused on getting a girl.
The more you have fun with the way you are now, the more people will like being around you, and maybe more girls will enjoy your company =)

Being a girl, and being pursued by often sad, pessimistic guys, who are more stuck on wondering why they can't get a date and being pursued by guys who are easy going, and just having fun, I went with the easy going guys. Just because it felt they were easier to talk to and be around.
Don't be so down, someone will like you just the way you are.

[blurr]

sorry for a vague reply, but i think you've spent too much time thinking about this :x

[kuroimisa]

I think you're doing your best trying your best to improve yourself and contrary to what many people might say, I say it's a positive thing you want to improve yourself for the better.

Having said that though, you must realise that you should be improving yourself for the sake of yourself, not for the purposes of finding a girl. Why work so hard for the wishy washy sillouhette of a potential girl, rather than a physical entity such as yourself? It's always hard for me to put my head around why you would prepare for something that currently doesn't exist, when you have yourself to love and improve.

If you can distinguish between self love and self depreciation (which you are currently doing right now because it feels to me that you seem to be disappointed that your efforts are not recognised), then you will solve your problems.

Being a person is not about being recognised as being awesome. It's nice to be recognised, of course, but you've got to feel good about yourself first. Hence, if you're happy with the way you are and feel awesome, you don't need to do much. You opted for self improvement, which is also a good direction to take - but you must keep in mind that you're working out to improve yourself. Not to dig chicks.



Moving away from that, if you're wondering why the girls don't like you, the answer is simple - you need a girl to like you and for you to like them. A relationship doesn't happen because you find a girl cute, and she finds you worthy of dating - she must like you. I know it sounds easier said than done, and I know it sounds redundant and useless since anyone would know that - but I just have to stress the fact that not matter how hard you try, if the girl doesn't like you, she just doesn't. Relationships don't really pop out like that.

Of course, there are the instances where you mentioned you pursue things - and you can actually chase a girl (provided you like her enough) and heighten the chances of a relationship.

I can't give you too much advice, other than to keep on meeting people, love yourself and don't think about it too much. Relationships generally happen when you least expect them to. It seems like you need to love yourself first before others can.



I also briefly skimmed through the other responses in this thread. I might come across as slack, but some things I picked up from them that I'd like to further emphasise:

- Two years being single is not the end of the world. It's only 2 years. You have a lifetime ahead of you.

- Your way of thinking is very traditional in the sense that as long as you feel successful, well presented and worthy of courtship any girl would be inclined to see your positive traits and recognise your possibility of being better. You should just stop comparing yourself to others. You don't compare apples to oranges, so don't do that to yourself.

- You aren't really engaging with the girls with your own personality. It feels like (when reading your post) that you're trying to hope they see your positive traits rather than your personality. No offence, but if I was a girl and my boyfriend worked 30 hours a week and I barely got to see or talk to him, I would classify him as conservative and boring. Studying and working are both good habits, but not everyone sees it that way - esp if we're talking about girls in their young 20s. Maybe girls in their late 20s would see it as a good thing since they're more inclined to look for stability and the prospect of marriage. Keep in mind all relationships in the early to mid 20s are all about fun and games.

[Psychotic Otaku]

... ^ what all these people said. live life a little. guys who can be relaxed and not have one track minds are what girls like, y'know a little spontaneity here and there. dating isn't some hard-core competition. plus the words you use come off a little strong which tells me you're trying too hard. it's not the end of the world if you can't get a girl. if you take a breather from trying so hard, someone will come along. don't worry cause it will happen.

[Prot]

You just described exactly what is wrong:

What frustrates me is that I see living examples of the entire opposite, which may make this a paradox. There was a cute girl that once caught my attention. After talking to her, I learned she had a boyfriend. This boyfriend is a pushover and from other people who know him describes him as a weenie or p_ssy. He is also on the heavy side, has disregard for a sense of fashion, unemployed, arrogant, and is smooth as sandpaper.

As much as there are girls choosing for looks, there are girls that don't. And when you aim for girls that choose for looks, you may fail depending on their preferences in looks. And when you aim for girls that don't choose for looks, you, yourself are choosing for looks. Please get to know a girl instead of having infatuations and superficial "love" over girls.