As many here know, I recently transitioned out of my 20s and in to my 30s. I made some comment recently to an elderly man about how I still feel young (like say, 21), and that I don't really look forward to leaving my youth behind. He looked at me and said that he always wanted to grow old. He impatiently looked forward to the day when his hair turned white. I guess my face was covered with shock or something, because he felt the need to explain himself. He grew up in a "traditional Asian country" (he never did tell me where he came from), where there was a place for every season of life. He said the older you became, the more honor you received. He said that people actually wanted to learn from the elders, from those who walked their path before and had real experience to share. They valued the wisdom of experience. He said people tended to pay attention more as they grew because they knew that one day they would be older and would be sharing the lessons they learned with the younger generations. He went to explain how, once you got gray hair, people would come to you for advice, would show you incredible honor and respect, and would look to you for more leadership. Growing old was not something to dread, but something to look forward to.
However, it seems to me that the USA is geared toward the young. Life is about thrills, experiences, the celebration of youth. In this elderly man's culture, you were given more and more honor as you grew older - in our culture, you get more and more in the way. We don't turn to the elderly for wisdom and advice, we turn to psychologists and scientists. We don't care about the elderly's experience, and have no interest in learning from them. We think we know better, or that we can figure it out without them.
My daughter had a Christmas ballet performance in a nursing home. We got there early, and I sat and watched as all the elderly came. Here we were in this building way off in a corner of the city where people could dump the elderly out of their lives and get on with their careers and whatnot. I watched as these elderly got so excited over my daughters. They went on and on about how rarely they ever see children. This is when I started talking to the elderly man I referred to earlier. He told me that in the village he grew up in, the elderly were always around children, whether it was the grandmothers helping the younger woman with their infants, or the grandfathers telling stories and teaching important life lessons to the children. As he talked, I realized what a treasure he was, so I kept asking him more questions. He told me how he worked hard to escape the village he grew up in because he was allured with the new modern life he heard about. He told me how he eventually came to the USA and did everything he could to provide for his children so they could grow up, go to university, and become successful. He told me how he worked into his own children the very mentality that caused them to eventually put him into the nursing home. His son visits every week, but he still can't help thinking about how it was in his childhood village, and how different things were there. He doesn't blame his son at all. He realizes that people are left with little choice in this modern society. It just isn't designed with elderly in mind. You can't easily pursue a modern career with a modern lifestyle and give the elderly the same kind of place. They do indeed become a burden, and this man explained to me that he does not want to get in the way of his son's success. He said it would be even more difficult for him to be living with his son, because he would always feel like a burden.
I still think of myself as young. But I couldn't help see in his face a reflection of the truth that we all age. It is unavoidable and inevitable. And as we age, it seems that there is less and less for us - we become less and less important.
What do you think? Is this a real issue? Does anyone else feel like our society has missed an important treasure here? Do you think we've lost the old sense of honor and respect? Can we, should we, give the elderly a place of honor and respect once again? I know this is possible, because every now and then I run into a family that tries to live this way... but, for our society as a whole, it seems we've missed something here. I can say that I've seen friends make the exact same mistakes their grandparents made, and if they had just taken the time to get feedback from the elderly before heading down a path, they could have saved themselves so much grief. And now they have this priceless experience - they can't go back and relive that part of their life with this new experience they have gained - the only option now is to teach the next generation... but the next generation won't listen... they just don't care. I had one older friend tell me recently, "how can I blame them? I was exactly the same at their age - really felt like I was able to figure it out on my own... and I suppose I did, but I hurt myself and others far more than necessary. And some of the damage can never be undone. There are things now that I can never have in my life because of those decisions."
