Posted 17 January 2009 - 08:50 PM
I really need your advice and opinions. But first, allow me to introduce myself
My name is Cindy. I'm a sophomore attending Hofstra University in New York. I was majoring in Film Studies & Production, but now...
I don't really know where or how to begin. So much is going through my mind and I don't know whether to cry or scream or just sleep it all off.
Throughout high school, I would always write screenplays or work on short stories or make sketches of the characters in them. I remember how different things were back then. I wanted to be like Francis Ford Coppola, a famous filmmaker and a Hofstra alumni. I look back and I remember how I was always looking forward to college, thinking I'll be better off and maybe I'd finally be doing something with my life. But now I feel as though I've gotten nowhere. I haven't learned anything. I wonder what is there to look forward to really. Then I looked at emails and conversations from the summer of 2007 that I wrote to my friends. I remember when I was at orientation, I complained to my friends from my laptop in my dorm at Hofstra. That summer, even before school started I had complaints. I tried to ignore things and I tried to look at everything in a positive way. I figured I was better off there than at a community college or a CUNY (everyone in my high school scoffed at anyone that would go to one). But in the process, I began to forget why I was even there. I forgot what my purpose was. This morning I looked back at things I wrote. The last time some of writings were modified was in early 2007 (February or so; senior year of high school). College didn't change me much. Instead it made me forget what I really wanted in life. I spent the past two semesters learning nothing. I went to college to major in film and I came out 3 semesters later with nothing to show for it. I still don't know how to use any of the fancy equipment in the recording studios at Hofstra. I wasted most of my time there in the classroom learning about politics and history and how to look through a telescope and reading Shakespeare. I could have done all that elsewhere. But by now I've lost all interest in everything. I keep complaining and doing nothing. But what is there to do anymore?
It's winter break now and I'm sitting around moping. My dad joked that if I'm so bored at home, I should be working instead of him - he wishes he could be at home right about now. I withdrew from the university. Three semesters later, I've learned nothing and I'm 30K in debt - and I've decided that I'd probably get the same education at a community college (3K a year?) or a CUNY for a fraction of the cost (5K a year). If I went to a public college from the start, I would have ended up in a lot less debt and if I changed my mind then it would not have mattered. But this is 30K we're talking about - some people work their whole lives and don't even have that. I asked my mom...why didn't she try to stop me before. Why didn't she just force me to go into Pharmacy. Why didn't she just force me to go to a community college or a CUNY. Something. Anything. If she was the one in charge, why didn't she do something. She told me that this is what I wanted to do. She was right. I feel like blaming her and my sister because they're so much older and more accomplished - they should have told me these things before. What would I have known about college? I keep blaming myself over and over and over again. Everyone is fed up with hearing me. I'm fed up of hearing myself. I should do something about it, but I can't. In all honesty, I've really given up on myself.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just wasting my life.
Everyone I know dreams about getting married and this and that. I don't even know what I dream about anymore. I don't want to get married, I don't want kids. I don't even feel like working. My parents are going to retire someplace far away in the near future. What will happen then? When I get up in the morning, I feel like it's just another day. There's nothing to look forward to anymore. Have you ever felt this way? It's really frustrating. You know what I wish sometimes? I wish I could actually care again. Care about something, anything.
Right now, I think the one thing that would make me happy is to make my parents happy. But I can't seem to get into any pharmacy schools since I'm a transfer student. I tried getting into St. John's pharmacy program so that maybe I can finally do what my mom had initially told me to do, but I couldn't get into it since they don't accept transfers at all. So instead, I transferred to a CUNY to major in Occupational Therapy. I never liked the medical field at all, but it pays. Now I want to know if it's the right thing. Part of me feels as though it is, yet part of me feels as though it's not. To make matters worse, I got mixed responses from my friends. The "artistic" ones are disappointed with my decision, stating that I should have gone with my heart. On the other hand, the more "logical" ones told me that I'm doing the right thing and that I should just forget about my mistakes, some even suggesting that I can still pursue film as a hobby when I'm more financially stable. I'm following the logical path and no longer the artistic one, but why is it that I still feel terrible?
Does anyone have any advice? Is it possible for me to get into a pharmacy school at this point? Or am I just going about this whole thing all wrong?
