[aiaigasa]

one of the things i hate most about growing up is having to be (well, not HAVING to be, but you get the idea) diplomatic on most fronts. i don't even know if it's being diplomatic, but it's things like having to sugarcoat your words when you point out someone's mistakes or shortcomings, or when you're trying to explain to your boss that the reason you carried something out this way was because that's what he/she said 2 months ago, or trying to justify your opinion without being a total jerk.

for example... i'm involved in writing an NIH grant concerning the use of minocycline as a treatment for alzheimer's disease. i suggested a hypothesis that contained the phrase "minocycline is an ideal treatment for..." and this guy in the lab freaked out, saying "you can't use 'ideal' in an NIH grant! you're stating what you believe, for example if you got up on a table and dropped an apple you'd say 'the apple will fall/falls' blah blah blah" which didn't make sense to me but since i had no diplomatic/strategic way to counter him i backed off. ugh. my friend who's working on the grant as well also disagreed with him on several points but eventually deferred to his will because he's so freaking headstrong.

in another instance... my roommate is extraordinarily dirty, unhygienic, hogs the bathroom for hour-long showers in the morning when we're both trying to leave, and i don't plan on living with her again next year. i expressed my intent yesterday, and today i received an e-mail from her mom (yes, her MOM) asking WHY. at the moment i'm too incensed to be nice about it but i know i'll let it percolate in my head a little, then sit around for 30 minutes tonight, wasting my time to carefully explain, or hint at, why i won't be living with her daughter again. or, i might have to lie about it outright.

anyone have any strategies for diplomacy, or at least articulating yourself without sounding completely rude/disrespectful? usually i don't have any problems with it but sometimes when it gets to be too much i just ITCH to let out a sarcastic or potentially stinging retort.

and, does everyone else get tired of it too, or is it just me... i guess i'm going to get destroyed pretty quick -_____-;

[watcher]

did you try to work things out with your roommate? strike a deal letting her know you need just 15~20 minutes at certain times of day? or talk to her about house rules of cleaning/chores? as for your lab coworker, did you make a point about why your wording would be the best choice?

in both cases, have you tried to understand what's going on in the other's mind and successfully transmit their thought back to them, so that they know you understand their point? [i could've worded that better but hopefully you got it... ^^; ]

they key to diplomacy is twofold in my mind.
1. make sure you understand and that they can acknowledge that you fully understand what they're trying to say
2. come up with a solution together so that both of you get what you need

ultimately, if deals break down, then dont make the deal. Do what you intended and handle the consequences accordingly. I believe that is also diplomacy. Sometimes, you have to do what you believe is right and own up to it, and then it will be others who have to live with it.

[Prot]

Sometimes it isn't about being diplomatic. Word choice really reflects your emotions and will affect the way one perceives you.

Ex: Telling a child "Your peanut butter jelly sandwich tastes like poo" as opposed to "Your peanut butter jelly sandwich tastes odd".

Anyway, in the case of asking for money for research, political/religious/racist/sexist/everything you can think of, intentions of word choices must be considered. I can see why the guy in the lab is freaking out about using the word "ideal" because it is an opinion and not factual. You can convey the same feeling of "ideal" without using the word "ideal" simply using facts.

As for your case about your roommate, have you ever had the chat with her problems and attempted to resolve it at all? Anyway, all in all, when you can use a kinder word, why wouldn't you? Does demeaning a person do anything for your argument? When you argue, you discuss the situation, not make stabs at the person through sarcastic remarks.

When you point out someone's mistakes or shortcomings, do just that. Don't start making unnecessary commentary on the person, what is the point in that when the argument is about why the peanut butter jelly sandwich tastes bad, not so and so is a bad peanut butter jelly sandwich maker.

[incyphe]

Since you've already expressed your intent on leaving, I wouldn't mention anything about your roommate hogging shower or being dirty. No need to burn bridges like that. You don't even have to be vague and say things like, "we're not compatible". Just say you need a change, and you found some place that interests you more.

Well, one thing I've learned about email and verbal communication is that, email can sound rather impersonal and borderline rude sometimes, because it's difficult to convey your tone. So I would try extra hard to sound friendly in your response to her Mom, but still be firm, so she doesn't feel there is any room for negotiation. That would be waste of everybody's time.

[HERMIT]

anyone have any strategies for diplomacy, or at least articulating yourself without sounding completely rude/disrespectful?

Certainly.
All I usually do is preface everything I'm about to say with: "Well, I'm sorry, but with all due respect I believe <insert opinion here>."

For example: "Well, I'm sorry Father, but with all due respect I believe that the sermon you gave this morning was just total BS."

Hey, they might not like what you have to say but you at least buttered them up with that "with all due respect" crap.

[who8myoreos]

Barack Obama once came to my school to speak and among many things, talked about how people sometimes disregard the importance of politeness, but that to him, it's one of the most important methods of getting things done.

I think I agree. Diplomacy is not about "sugarcoating" words for the sake of being nice. It is understanding that other people have goals too, and they are often emotionally invested in those goals, even if they are for the wrong reasons. To me, true diplomacy is about making friends, not enemies, while disagreeing with them. It's a pretty difficult task.

There is no all-encompassing method of being diplomatic. The only thing I can say is that EVERYBODY DOES THINGS FOR A REASON. You have to consider all those possible reasons before speaking because otherwise you are disregarding their experiences. I don't know anything about this lab friend of yours....but maybe there's a reason he's so adamant. Maybe he used the word "ideal" once and lost a grant. Or maybe he was punished often in life for not being meticulous.

As for your roommate's mom...I wouldn't say "diplomacy" is the right word for that situation....but you should still consider where this mom is coming from. Unless this girl is a cold-hearted serial killer, I assume there's at least SOMETHING good and right about this person? This mom probably sees that side and not the bad side. You could either 1) educate her about that bad side or 2) acknowledge that she's not a bad person, but you just don't get along as roommates. The only thing you shouldn't do is shove your opinions in her face.

[HERMIT]

There is no all-encompassing method of being diplomatic. The only thing I can say is that EVERYBODY DOES THINGS FOR A REASON. You have to consider all those possible reasons before speaking because otherwise you are disregarding their experiences.

Now that is a truly valid point.
This is why I am more respectful in approaching girls at a strip club for a lap dance instead of just plopping my fat self on the couch and just emptying crumpled currency out of my pockets and onto the floor.
By being less boorish, I've learned that I could get more lively performances.
Hell man, I guess that makes me a freaking diplomat now!