[Mik0u]

Oivey.

This is somewhat complicated. Or who knows, maybe it's just me that makes things complicated. (I'm thinking it's the latter.)

Here we go.

So about two years ago, I've met this wonderful guy, who I've honestly had a 'crush-at-first-sight' dilemma with. We'll call him D.
I was single, but I wasn't really looking for anyone. I just wanted to enjoy my celibacy.
I met D through a group of mutual friends, at a gaming party (how dorky. xD), and we were teamed up for Halo. (Youpiie!)
We made a pretty solid team, and we got talking afterwards. . .

We exchanged emails, added each other through facebook, doodidoo, all that.

D and I began to have long conversations that would go through 3 or 4 facebook wall posts at a time,
and we really seemed to have that connection; that vibe going on between us.

But even THEN, at that point, I still wasn't looking for anyone to go steady with. I'd gotten out of a relationship, and I didn't really want to get into one so soon after.

We began with shameless flirting, with 'I miss you's and talking on the phone occasionally, MSN-ing almost every night -
to the point where one night, I realized that. . . my feelings for him were running deeper than just friendship.

Problem was, I was going to leave to another COUNTRY in a couple of months, for a whole year. . . and I didn't think starting a relationship THEN would've been so wise.

I personally felt that he had feelings for me too, from the way he talked, and acted around me.

. . .I was right.

One night, about 3 weeks before my leave, I visited him just so we could chill out (back in Canada, D and I live about 1 1/2 hours apart.)
Since it was quite a distance, I ended up crashing at his place for the night.
He ended up confessing to me that night, that he really liked me, a lot.

Against my own feelings though, I told him that it wouldn't be wise to do anything about it, because of my leaving for a year. . .
I told him that it'd be possible (and probably more than likely) that feelings would change, and we would return to being just platonic friends.
He took it well, with a smile, and that was the end of that.

But after coming to the country, I found myself a boyfriend, and I set aside my feelings for D. . . Because opening up THAT drawer would probably have brought up the feelings up to surface once more, and complicate things more than necessary. And I didn't want that.

We'll call the boyfriend C.

C's a wonderful, fairytale-romance type of guy; he's one of those people where you could only hope to find in a dream, or in movies. He's like that. And he doesn't TRY; that's just in his nature. He's really . . . perfect, if such a thing exists. I guess, perfect to me.

He says he loves me, and I could tell he means it.

We've been together for a while now, but. . . Suddenly, out of the blue, D contacts me again in an email. (We hadn't talked since I left, end of August 2008.)

He asks me how I'm doing, how I'm adjusting and everything. . . It's like our friendship never ended, and we were just picking up right where we left off - minus the confession.

The problem lies where. . . I slowly feel my feelings creeping up to the surface once more. But I don't know why. It's just as strong as before, and I feel immensely guilty about it.

D writes in a way that makes me believe he still has feelings for me - with all his subtle hints.

But me, I'm happy where I am right now - I love C, and I'm glad we're together. But the feelings for D that I have are strong enough for me to feel guilty about it, and not tell C. . .

What should I do ?

Should I just wait for the feelings to pass ?

I've already told D about the boyfriend, and he says he's happy but a little sad about it (blunt honesty.). . .

The feelings I have for D are completely different from C. With C, it's like. . . a comfort zone. I feel completely myself around him, because to me, he feels like a best friend, and a lover at the same time. But with D, he gives me that real adrenaline rush, butterflies-in-stomach kind of feeling, and I feel like I have a shot of endorphins every time we talk.

I have no idea what to do.

Plus, I had a dream last night about D. And it's one of those dreams I would definitely never tell C.


Help !

(Somehow, I get the feeling I'll get bashed one way or another for being such a horrible girlfriend. :/)

[Kitty07]

First of all , you're not a horrible girlfriend .
I believe it's natural that feelings like these re-surface at anytime . You just have to realise that what you had with D was well in the past and you've already moved on with finding love with C . Don't let yourself get stuck with past feelings . Learn to shift those feelings aside for D because like you said , if C is really as perfect as you believe he is .. why risk it all for history ? It's not worth it .
Same things happen to me all the time .. as much as I love my current boyfriend .... I'll always have feelings for guys (two actually) that I've fallen for in the past . For me it's just something I can't escape .. feelings run deep but I've learnt to move on and not let them get to me .
As for the "dream" .. that's normal as well (: Everyone fantasises subconsciously about another . I'm sure C doesn't want to know about it , it'd hurt him . Just keep it to yourself .
Just be strong . Don't let the past hold you down .. being stuck sucks .

[ilovejaejoong]

that thing you feel with D is just what you feel with a crush. that relationship you have with C, that level of comfort and friendship--that's not so easy to come by. stick with C. you love him.

[heheimawesome]

I don't know.. the way you describe it
"Boyfriend on the side"

Why didn't you say... "old feelings on the side" or "ex love interest" on the side

you're making your boyfriend number 2..
unless im just thinking too much about a little detail, but thing is it was probably something you wrote without really thinking

do you think you like your ex love interest over your boyfriend? can you MARRY your boyfriend? (unless you're dating for fun right now only, in which case wouldnt you go for the person who gives you those feelings in your stomache?)

You say its comfortable with your boyfriend, he can be a lover AND friend. that's perfect.
if you wanna marry him one day. i would say stay with your boyfriend and hmm.. im not sure what you should do about that other guy.
if you block him out of your mind and try to forget him, one day you might possibly see him and the feelings can arise again, and this time you won't just be in a relationship. you'll be married and maybe even have kids.

OR maybe you'll successfully just forget about him. im not sure.

[Mik0u]

Kitty07: Thanks so much for what you wrote, it reassures me and makes me feel a whole lot better, knowing that I'm not the only one. (:

ilovejaejoong: That's true, it's rare to come by something like that - and that's what I'm trying to tell myself everyday. ^^

heheimawesome: Well, because the 'old flame' refers to D, whereas C is the boyfriend. And no, he's not lower on my priority list. It's just that D seems to muddle up my thoughts and therefore make me question everything. :/

But I think the best thing to do for now is just remain friends with him, and stick with my boyfriend. Because I'll never find someone else like him. I just won't be able to completely cut off D from my life, either. :/

[nicorobin]

I just went through something similar, only "D" was my ex-boyfriend. We broke up more than a year ago because he's 5 year my junior and I felt it was much too soon to get serious with him considering he was still in college and I've been working for what seems forever and basically looking for a husband, not another boyfriend.

... I met someone else during the break and everything was great, but I started talking to my ex again a few months in and just like you all those feelings came creeping back. My relationship with my bf was fine as long as I didn't entertain any feelings for my ex. But eventually I decided that as long as I had those feelings that means the man I was with is NOT the one I wanted to marry.

Now I'm back with my ex and waiting for him to turn into a man. lolz. I'm very happy with my decision even though I had no guarantee that he would take me back at all.

I suppose you have to decide how serious you are with C. If you want to devote your life to him then you must, must, must forget about D or it will start eating away at your relationship with C.

[Kitty07]

I suppose you have to decide how serious you are with C. If you want to devote your life to him then you must, must, must forget about D or it will start eating away at your relationship with C.

^ There is no need for her to completely forget about D . If she enjoyed what they shared together in the past , there is no reason for her to push herself (and hurt herself) into forgetting his existance or their past . If she just controls her feelings and stay strong , nothing would affect her current relationship with C .

& you're welcome Mik0u , best of luck with your situation . (:

[greenana]

D seems more like just a crush. Stick with C, he makes you feel comfortable. Don't ruin your relationship just because of your feelings for D.

[euph0ria]

I hate my life. I just wrote a long reply and then my awesome school computer had an error loading. GREAT!!! " I'll start over the best I can haha.

You're not making it so complicated, that's something a lot of people would be troubled by. At least you aren't playing C, right? =] Anyway, it sounds like you just have a huge crush for D (more like an infatuation) and it never really had any closure. Nothing so rudely abrupt to close the feelings or that "talk" that hurts you enough to want to move on. You're head-over-heels with C but with D it's just a crush that some girls have over celebrities (not trying to compare it like that but it's just a big crush, you know what I mean right? You've seen those crazy girls haha but you're not as bad as them, hehe) I hope it passes by soon and won't guilt trip you so much. Feeling guilty can lead to crazy things =[

Try some cognitive therapy, lol. Think positive, and just convince yourself that D is the one that you're only liking and those "flames" for C will go away. I think it'll eventually happen =] I hope it does!! Don't beat yourself up too much.

Good luck sunshine.

[nicorobin]

^ There is no need for her to completely forget about D . If she enjoyed what they shared together in the past , there is no reason for her to push herself (and hurt herself) into forgetting his existance or their past . If she just controls her feelings and stay strong , nothing would affect her current relationship with C .

& you're welcome Mik0u , best of luck with your situation . (:

I agree. I didn't mean eradicate him from her life & memories, but Kitty07 I have 10 years on you (from your profile you're the tender age of 17? ^ ^) and the thing I realize as I get older is once you're married, your husband is your everything. He will be your best friend, your confidante, your lover, the father to your children, etc, etc. You can't have other guys filling in the areas where he's lacking ...

I'm just simply saying, if she is having these "other" feelings, perhaps she needs to rethink her current flame.

The man I marry will be the best in my eyes, no one will ever come close to even being second.

Mik0u, I hope whoever you decide on will satisfy you in all respects. Good luck!!

[Lie]

We'll call the boyfriend C.

C's a wonderful, fairytale-romance type of guy; he's one of those people where you could only hope to find in a dream, or in movies. He's like that. And he doesn't TRY; that's just in his nature. He's really . . . perfect, if such a thing exists. I guess, perfect to me.

I have trouble believing that you really think your bf is perfect, and would rather be with him than this other guy, if the minute the other guy comes back into your life you're already questioning the feelings you have for him, and you're calling your boyfriend a "boyfriend on the side." To me your word-choice there is problematic. It signifies a sublimation (i.e. a lowered importance) of the boyfriend.

[Complic8ed]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation right now.
Like nicorobin, "D" was my ex-boyfriend. I also have "E" - also an ex-boyfriend.

I (via long-distance) broke up with "D" because I had just moved to another country (and will be staying in that country for 4 years, indefinitely). I regretted it, but before I could tell "D" that, he was already with another girl.

So then, I met "E" when I wasn't looking and we got together for a short while. I broke up with "E" because I realized it just wasn't working out (on my part).

Then I met "C". Although we both knew that we didn't have a future together (because of major differences), we still had a relationship because we simply enjoyed being together.
Things were going well with "C" and I thought that perhaps we would be able to overcome our major differences...

But... not too long ago..,

"D" and "E" almost simultaneously started contacting me.

Turns out that "D" had broken up with his girlfriend and wants to get back together with me.
"E" can't let go because he says we didn't have enough time to know truly whether it will work out between us.

My feelings for "D" are mutual. As for "E", if I got back together with him, it would only be on the basis of curiosity.

In the end, I broke up with "C". I told him about "D", "E", and how I'm feeling. To even consider being with someone else other than "C" was unfair to him and there's no point pretending that you're happy in the relationship when in fact your thoughts are with another. Similar to nicorobin, I believe that if I'm with THE ONE, I would NOT even consider the possibility of being with anybody else, not even when they're in my face.

It's great that you and your "D" are still in contact. No problems staying friends with "D" as long as the relationship is purely as friends and you know where you stand. However, if you start getting "confused" and still remain so even after discussing the matter with your "C", then you may have to reconsider whether "C" is the perfect guy, for you.

[jaeka]

Sorry, this'll be of no help whatsoever, but...

Gaming party? Woah. Didn't know such a thing existed. That's awesome. :D

[machiavelli_paganini]

First off, when you decide, STICK TO IT. No wishy-washy, playing-both-guys-because-you're-"unsure"-about-your-feelings. That makes you a terrible person no matter how you try to rationalize it. Secondly, I think you are sticking with your current bf because he is comfortable and you feel secure around him. Your feelings for him are little to none, but he is there as a support for you and you cannot or will not give that up. It is because of this that I think the following scenario will happen:

You will continue dating your current bf but you will remain in contact with your old flame because you don't want to cut him out. You will willingly flirt with your old flame but you will be unable to leave your bf because you feel "guilty" or you "love him" or whatever reason.

This is incredibly unfair to the guy you are dating. You're in a different country than your flame. For all you know, he could be dating around while you are with your bf. Are you really willing to throw all your eggs in the old-flame-basket like this and get rid of your bf? Are your feelings that strong that you do not mind the distance? Could there even BE anything because of the distance?

As for your current bf, do you really feel as strongly for him as you claim you do? Or is this partly out of guilt? (That he feels so strongly for you but you do not feel the same so you overcompensate by calling him perfect) It seems to me that you are more into your old flame.

If you want to remain with your bf, then stop corresponding with your old flame. It is unfair to your bf who tells you he loves you.
If you want to be with your old flame, then break up with your bf.

But again, you are in a different country. What will happen to your bf when you have to leave the country to go back home? Do you even know that your old flame still feels the same way about you?

blah blah blah

[watcher]

Oivey.

But me, I'm happy where I am right now - I love C, and I'm glad we're together. But the feelings for D that I have are strong enough for me to feel guilty about it, and not tell C. . .

What should I do ?

Should I just wait for the feelings to pass ?

I've already told D about the boyfriend, and he says he's happy but a little sad about it (blunt honesty.). . .

The feelings I have for D are completely different from C. With C, it's like. . . a comfort zone. I feel completely myself around him, because to me, he feels like a best friend, and a lover at the same time. But with D, he gives me that real adrenaline rush, butterflies-in-stomach kind of feeling, and I feel like I have a shot of endorphins every time we talk.

I have no idea what to do.

Plus, I had a dream last night about D. And it's one of those dreams I would definitely never tell C.


Help !

(Somehow, I get the feeling I'll get bashed one way or another for being such a horrible girlfriend. :/)

just make the call and commit to it. either choice can lead to good or bad results. more than anything, know what you want and what you currently have.

[L_O_V_E]

go with your gut feeling, whichever is stronger
and let the other one go

[nubbie]

this happened to me before. I had a D and a C. Theres nothing better than a best friend and lover all-in-one. You shouldn't compromise it for the thrill of a new relationship because thats exactly wat it is. A thrill. And after that thrill it gets boring and then you're going to regret letting go of C.


You have a good thing going. Dont ruin it.