I May Be Losing My Best Friend
EDIT:
So basically... my best friend is in the process of breaking up with his girlfriend...
In essence it means he's choosing me but of course I feel bad... Oh well, there was never an easy solution.
That concludes this long story until further notice =) Thanks for all your comments!
To those that are willing to listen... I have poured out the contents of my soul from the last two years in plain sight. Thank you for reading.
Never in a million years did I believe the climax of this story would run its course the way it did. I always thought that dealing with my feelings was a road I would walk alone for a long time. I feel like for this past week, I have lived out a drama.
The story begins...
I have known my best friend for five years. He was a new transfer to my high school for an arts program and I met him in math class. It was funny because we were kind of awkward acquaintances at first – I didn’t know how to break the ice back then despite him sitting beside me but eventually we became really comfortable with each other. We passed notes and listened to the songs on each other’s mp3 players. At around the same time, he met his current girlfriend in another class. Initially, I wasn’t that close with him but I sort of had a small crush on him. However, it quickly died away after the first summer of knowing him.
In grade 11, I started going out with a mutual friend and I would see my best friend everyday because we would go out for lunch as a group. When I decided to break up with my boyfriend in the summer, it was my best friend who sustained me. He supported me through the times I had doubts about breaking up and supported me during the time that my ex started going out with someone else during grade 12. At the same time, I supported my best friend when he went out with his current girlfriend for one week during grade 11 and when they subsequently broke up. I knew he really liked her and it was painful to see him hitting lockers and being frustrated but we both made it through okay.
When my ex started dating someone else in grade 12, I was in a state of confusion. It hurt me very much that he was going out with the new girl for some reason. I sort of met my ex through skating and coincidentally lost one of my skates the last time I went skating with him before winter ended (don’t ask me how one goes about losing only one skate - -''). My best friend knew how much I needed to get back on my feet and during the winter break of grade 12, he took me shopping for skates and bought a brand new pair of skates for me as my Christmas and birthday present.
Let me tell you that my best friend is one of the most considerate people I have met. He is emotionally intelligent (for the most part) and is intuitive about what’s going on. This is someone whom, after five years, I tell everything and anything to because I trust him and know that he won’t judge me. We come from similar upbringings and I feel like he completely understands me. Awesome, right?
Needless to say, beginning from grade 12 I became really close to my best friend. We only had English together but it was fun – we often did crosswords together in class and passed notes. Sometimes, we would go out on weeknights or weekends, just the two of us. I think we flirted on our outings and when we went out with mutual friends; there was always this unspoken tension. During this time, I developed feelings for him but I knew there was that girl that he still liked very much even though they broke up. It was something I knew inside but he didn’t bring it up so I didn’t ever tell him about how I felt. It was really painful at prom because I found out the week before that he asked her out to prom during our note passing in English class. I got mad at him.
I’m not sure if this is fate being cruel, but the day after I found out he asked that girl to prom I was trying to forget or to calm myself down by going shopping with a girl friend. As luck would have it… I bumped into my best friend and his prom date – holding hands. Clearly they were dating and I was just the last fool on earth not to know. During the second time I bumped into them in the mall, he said “X, help me pick a tie!” All I could think about was how he had a girlfriend and he should be asking her now to do that kind of stuff. I was devastated. Shortly after they left, I cried like I have never cried in my life. I just couldn’t hold back the tears as I ran from the department store to the washroom at the mall. There was no rhyme or reason – just a broken heart. The kicker is that the mall washroom was closed for cleaning and the cleaning lady saw me crying and said the following:
“Aw, hun! I’m sorry. You know what, the baby section at Shoppers Drug Mart is real quiet. You can go on there and cry all you want.”
My girl friend was there with me comforting me and at that point I didn’t know whether I wanted to laugh or cry.
I think my best friend had put off telling me because he knew the news would hurt me. He got the sense that I liked him and after that initially awkward period after I found out, he sat down for a talk with me and asked if I had anything to say to him. I never ended up telling him that I liked him. It was just not possible to say something like that given the situation. Naturally, the flirting behaviour between us stopped leading up to my discovery. Slowly, I accepted reality and adjusted.
As the days went on, the pain was easier to handle. I wrote numerous private posts on my online journal about him and eventually was able to go out with him and his girlfriend in group settings. In fact, it has become the norm.
Understand that during these two years, we have not grown apart even though I attend college two hours away from him. I share my world with him like I would a female best friend and have in no way, tried to steal him away from his girlfriend – I’ve learned to mask my feelings very well. There have been times when I have spent time with just my best friend; during the summertime, we would eat or go biking together. But in many senses, I was the big elephant in the room for them and I was never sure whether his girlfriend knew that we had some of these outings. There were many moments where I cringed because the lines between friendship and something else are so murky for opposite-gender friends.
Examples:
When I was really sad about another guy situation, he asked if I wanted to come out and grab some food with him. He lives 40 minutes away by transit but came over to walk around the neighbourhood with me and when I started to cry, he lent me his shoulder (cringe-moment: It would have been okay if he were a girl). We then went out to eat... his treat.
One time when I didn't want to see a guy that we were going out together in a group with, I pretended to want to go home and said I didn't need a car ride then said goodbye to the group we were with and walked quickly out of the subway car at my stop. But because it was 12:00 am, my best friend came out of the subway car after me to stop me, and made me take the next train with him to the next station so that he could drive me home. Did I mention his girlfriend was on the subway car that left without him? He said his girlfriend knew what was going on with me and the guy and would not mind at all.
I made a really nice entry in my best friend's yearbook drawing small pictures about our high school years together. I found out recently from his girlfriend that she never ended up writing in his yearbook because it was too much pressure to compete with my entry apparently. She said this in a really light-hearted way on one of our group outings.
I really wasn’t sure…
However, if there were any problems between him and his girlfriend, he has never let on because that has always been a taboo area of discussion for us; it’s as if we both understood it was not something to talk about despite everything else that we do discuss.
Just this week, I think my best friend may have reached his breaking point. He came to visit me at college with 3 of my other high school friends. During this time, some mild forms of his flirty behaviour that I haven’t seen in two years returned. After the weekend ended, I sensed that there was something going on. Finally, I asked him what was going on…
We both voiced concerns about his recent behaviour and the fact that he has a girlfriend…then he spilled. He and his girlfriend have argued about me over the years. He has always tried to balance the act of satisfying both girlfriend and best friend but he found that there was no compromise to satisfy both. He either made her happy or he made me happy and recognizes that he has hurt me so many times over the years and he feels immense guilt for it. Then he asked where I stood (on the issue of liking him). I admitted that my feelings have not changed for two years despite trying very hard to move on to other people but then I asked him where he stood. He asked for time. This was my concluding statement:
“I've waited for two years and a little more time won't make a difference... but there's only so long I can wait for. Please, don't talk to me until you figure it out and think things through because I think that's the fairest way to resolve this.”
He has been really worried about me the past few days since I decided not to talk to him till he sorted everything out. He found out that I wasn’t sleeping or eating well (from a clueless mutual friend who thought these symptoms should be reported to my best friend as he knows me best; he also added my roommate on MSN to ask her if I was sleeping) and sent me an e-mail to make sure I was doing okay, with a scanned copy of a half-completed crossword puzzle to get my mind off things since we used to do them together.
I am in a state of shock and worry because I’m afraid that no matter what decision he makes, I am going to lose my best friend in some way – and that’s what I treasure the most.
If he chooses his girlfriend, the nature of our relationship will have to change given what I know now. I would never want to put a girl through that kind of pain if I know I’m the problem. If he chooses me, there is a long road ahead before anything – if anything – can happen between us. The girlfriend will also be in so much pain and I’m going to have to live with some sort of guilt in the pain I caused someone who is pretty innocent in all of this…
I like him a lot but there is no substitute for our friendship. These past few days of not talking to him has been really difficult and I miss him so much it scares me.
Have you ever lost your best friend because of feelings requited or unrequited?
What happened? How do you deal with losing someone who’s been a big part of your life?
Thank you for listening.
I Might Be Losing My Best Friend... update!... the ending (or sort of)
#2
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Posted 05 February 2009 - 12:04 PM
no i usually end up going out with my best guy friends.. lol
im sorry but im going to have to be pretty harsh
because i have a bf who has more girl friends than guy friends
and we broke up over a girl who wanted to see him and talk to him all the time (im not sure her intentions. but even ppl i didnt know came and told me she was flirting with him) and i seriously wanted to kill the *beep*
there is an unspoken rule with taken guys.
dont hang on to them.
i mean no matter how close you are to them its common sense to back off a little
if he likes you then he`ll leave his gf for you
whether you like that or not. ( i wouldnt trust a guy who would leave his gf for me.)
obv he`s not committed to that.
i would play it cool until he makes a decision
and if he decides to stay with his girlfriend then you`ll be happy
if not, then i would back off if i were you
im sorry but im going to have to be pretty harsh
because i have a bf who has more girl friends than guy friends
and we broke up over a girl who wanted to see him and talk to him all the time (im not sure her intentions. but even ppl i didnt know came and told me she was flirting with him) and i seriously wanted to kill the *beep*
there is an unspoken rule with taken guys.
dont hang on to them.
i mean no matter how close you are to them its common sense to back off a little
if he likes you then he`ll leave his gf for you
whether you like that or not. ( i wouldnt trust a guy who would leave his gf for me.)
obv he`s not committed to that.
i would play it cool until he makes a decision
and if he decides to stay with his girlfriend then you`ll be happy
if not, then i would back off if i were you
#3
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Posted 05 February 2009 - 12:47 PM
This is further proof as to why I feel it's almost impossible for the opposite gender to be best friends, unless someone's gay. The best thing I can tell you is you only live once. Confess to the guy, try to maintain your friendship, and see what happens? It's no sense of holding things in, and putting your want for happiness on the sidelines.
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#4
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Posted 05 February 2009 - 01:59 PM
i'm kinda where you're at =_= except my situation hasn't spanned so many years as yours and we're not dating anyone. i feel you though. it hurts. it sucks. waiting is horrible. i think what you did was the right way to go.
^good way to go, good thing to say. i know it sucks having to make the person choose but there can only be one girl in his life who he can be close to. that's why boy/girl friendships are so hard if they're best friends. like you said, the lines b/w friendship and this other thing are so foggy that you can't clearly define what is and isn't friendship anymore. *sighs* good luck, i hope all goes well for you. be strong =) if you two are meant to be then 'love' 'God' or w/e you believe in will find a way for you two to be together. if not now then in the future or maybe not ever if you aren't meant for each other.
QUOTE
“I've waited for two years and a little more time won't make a difference... but there's only so long I can wait for. Please, don't talk to me until you figure it out and think things through because I think that's the fairest way to resolve this.”
^good way to go, good thing to say. i know it sucks having to make the person choose but there can only be one girl in his life who he can be close to. that's why boy/girl friendships are so hard if they're best friends. like you said, the lines b/w friendship and this other thing are so foggy that you can't clearly define what is and isn't friendship anymore. *sighs* good luck, i hope all goes well for you. be strong =) if you two are meant to be then 'love' 'God' or w/e you believe in will find a way for you two to be together. if not now then in the future or maybe not ever if you aren't meant for each other.
#5
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Posted 05 February 2009 - 02:07 PM
Well, the damage is done, but I think you made a mistake "waiting for him for two years" and trying to be as close as you two used to have been before the girlfriend. You probably should have distanced yourself and something else to occupy yourself.
I'd actually start doing that now that you're not talking to him. He'll come, or he'll stay with his girlfriend. It's his decision, you need to start living your own life. and let him live his, especially if it's causing problems. You may think this is the end of the world, but people... they come and they go.
I'd actually start doing that now that you're not talking to him. He'll come, or he'll stay with his girlfriend. It's his decision, you need to start living your own life. and let him live his, especially if it's causing problems. You may think this is the end of the world, but people... they come and they go.
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#6
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Posted 05 February 2009 - 02:31 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about the situation you are in. I myself have been in that situation where my crush and his girlfriend were both my best friends. You can imagine how tense that was...
I agree with everyone else in believing that you should try to back off. When he insists on hanging out with you or abandoning his girlfriend for you, politely decline. That's not to say that you should stop hanging out with him; there's a reason why he's your best friend. Saying that you won't talk to him until he reaches a decision, though it shows how serious you are, doesn't seem like it'll help things. He's so concerned for your health right now, as any best friend would be, that not knowing what's going on with you while he thinks this complex situation through may make him reach a decision without fully thinking it out.
You also seem to be on talking terms with his girlfriend, or at least, hanging out terms. So why not confront her? Make it clear to her that you have no intentions of coming between the two of them and that you don't want her to be hurt. Heck, if you feel comfortable enough, why not tell her what you're feeling? That you have some feelings for your best friend but completely understand how important the girl is in his life.
I agree with everyone else in believing that you should try to back off. When he insists on hanging out with you or abandoning his girlfriend for you, politely decline. That's not to say that you should stop hanging out with him; there's a reason why he's your best friend. Saying that you won't talk to him until he reaches a decision, though it shows how serious you are, doesn't seem like it'll help things. He's so concerned for your health right now, as any best friend would be, that not knowing what's going on with you while he thinks this complex situation through may make him reach a decision without fully thinking it out.
You also seem to be on talking terms with his girlfriend, or at least, hanging out terms. So why not confront her? Make it clear to her that you have no intentions of coming between the two of them and that you don't want her to be hurt. Heck, if you feel comfortable enough, why not tell her what you're feeling? That you have some feelings for your best friend but completely understand how important the girl is in his life.
#7
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Posted 05 February 2009 - 06:19 PM
I actually sat down with my sour trolli gummie worms and read all of this. All I can say is , "Wow." I have been in a similar situation and all i can say is that let time do its thing. Only time can give you the answers to the problems you are facing. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and prepare yourself for the future. Keep your head up and stay strong. Try to maintain the friendship. Life is all about getting hurt and that's how we can progress in life. Without pain, we can't see the pleasures of life. Wait till he made his decision and move from there. For now just stay strong and go grab a bag of sour trolli gummie worms. It makes life that much better with each bite.
#8
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Posted 05 February 2009 - 06:27 PM
i want to save a comment because i want to help anyone with problems with best friends
i'm having issues that are long-term with mine as well and i've kept it hidden until recently myself so i will leave you a comment after im done everything <3
edit: This is a hard one. >____<
I am thinking that this isn't one of those situations where people say "If he dumps his girlfriend for his new girlfriend, what will he do to you".
This is not one of those!
It's just unfortunate to have this happen, because seriously 3 is a crowd.
I'm having problems with my best friend, who is a girl, and her BOYFRIEND (thank goodness no likey likey business there though)
But with my best guy friend, I actually managed to stop liking him which was fabulous for me, but I do have a soft spot for him at all times. :3
You are so mature, and so considerate; as with your guy friend. You guys... I guess there can't be a good balance, and would there be a chance for you to stop liking him?
I think the fact is that you can't stop liking him, perhaps you are just hopeful for a relationship, because after my hope dissipated, I didn't like my guy friend anymore..?
I'm not being very helpful
sorry!
i'm having issues that are long-term with mine as well and i've kept it hidden until recently myself so i will leave you a comment after im done everything <3
edit: This is a hard one. >____<
I am thinking that this isn't one of those situations where people say "If he dumps his girlfriend for his new girlfriend, what will he do to you".
This is not one of those!
It's just unfortunate to have this happen, because seriously 3 is a crowd.
I'm having problems with my best friend, who is a girl, and her BOYFRIEND (thank goodness no likey likey business there though)
But with my best guy friend, I actually managed to stop liking him which was fabulous for me, but I do have a soft spot for him at all times. :3
You are so mature, and so considerate; as with your guy friend. You guys... I guess there can't be a good balance, and would there be a chance for you to stop liking him?
I think the fact is that you can't stop liking him, perhaps you are just hopeful for a relationship, because after my hope dissipated, I didn't like my guy friend anymore..?
I'm not being very helpful
sorry!
#9
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Posted 05 February 2009 - 07:01 PM
hang in there.. my best friend likes her best friend, aka my best friend/boyfriend.
she's been trying really hard to get rid of her feelings after 5 years, and i really don't know what to say to her.
but she still wants to be our best friends - we give her her space.
you need your space, and you need to know that breaking up a friendship won't help.
since he's been your best friend for so long and he cares about you greatly, hold on to the bond you have.
don't try too hard, or don't try at all. trying makes everything feel worse.
you'll cry your heart out, but you know you need it.
don't watch tv because you'll just be staring at it mindlessly thinking about him.
go out and have fun.
good luck <3
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#10
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Posted 05 February 2009 - 08:59 PM
QUOTE
“I've waited for two years and a little more time won't make a difference... but there's only so long I can wait for. Please, don't talk to me until you figure it out and think things through because I think that's the fairest way to resolve this.”
First off, i would have to say right off the bat i'm not as nice and considerate as the other soompiers.
the fact you MIGHT loose your best friend is brought on by yourself. Yes i'm harsh i know, but i dont want to lie and pretend "oh yeah don't worry it'll be fine, things will be resolve" and crap because this is the way i see it, straight up.
you don't want to get between your bestfriend and his girlfriend correct? [at least that's the impression i got from what i read, i mean i may have interpret everything wrong]
if that's the case, then why in the world would you say that to him?! Why would you make him choose? It's like in a way you're saying...let me rephrase it
if he choose his gf, you would move on
however if he chooses you..what doyou guys become? best friend still? Because from what you wrote, the idea of you guys ever getting together is only a slim chance, not a definite thing even if he DID choose you. So in a way it is saying if he chooses you and you guys remain as best friends, then he'll never get a gf in his life?
That's the way i see it.
Of course there's a huge chance i'm wrong =P
it's just something to think about, in my opinion, you handle the situation fairly well, better than some people can handle it =]
so props to you!
but in you trying to ignore the feelings, and remain friends, you end up hurting him and his girlfriend.
so what i believes you should do is
sit, watch tv, i dont care, sit there, lay on your bed, THINK carefully [this is actually hard for some people because their personality type doesn't have that characteristic that allows them to think rationally in strong emotional situation O.O] okay side track lol anyway think about what YOU want, do you want him as a boyfriend or do you want him as your best friend?
Because if you want him as a boyfriend, you need to be a b*sh and fight for him, even if it means hurting his gf, relationship is all war and games =P
However, if you want to maintain the friendship, you need to back off now, don't wait for his answer whatever because you're just hurting him, why would you want to hurt your friend? Give them their space, knows your limit, the line that a friend or best friend should not cross. If this is the route you choose, i suggest a talk and perhaps apology to his gf for all the times he has hurt her due to you.
I apologized for my post in advance if i hurt you with my advice
It is what I see and what I believes
good luck to you and may your heart heal <3
#11
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Posted 05 February 2009 - 09:09 PM
Wow, that's quite the intense story =( I really don't know how to help you...
I guess what I say is... what's done is done.
You can't do anything about it and I guess there's really nothing left for you TO DO.
Just wait it out and see what he does or says =)
I'm not in the same situation as you...
But I think sometimes my best friend thinks I'm hitting on her bf lol o_O even tho the 3 of us hang out ALL the time (we LIVE in the same house for uni =P), I know she gets jealous really easily and sometimes doesn't like it when we're too flirty... altho I don't consider it flirting =S
So I guess it really does create problems when your best friend is of the opposite sex... and especially when you're good friends altogether.
What I recommend is for you to just... support whatever your best friend chooses. Just know that whatever he's going through is hard to, not just what's going to happen between his gf and you.
--xoxo.
TM
I guess what I say is... what's done is done.
You can't do anything about it and I guess there's really nothing left for you TO DO.
Just wait it out and see what he does or says =)
I'm not in the same situation as you...
But I think sometimes my best friend thinks I'm hitting on her bf lol o_O even tho the 3 of us hang out ALL the time (we LIVE in the same house for uni =P), I know she gets jealous really easily and sometimes doesn't like it when we're too flirty... altho I don't consider it flirting =S
So I guess it really does create problems when your best friend is of the opposite sex... and especially when you're good friends altogether.
What I recommend is for you to just... support whatever your best friend chooses. Just know that whatever he's going through is hard to, not just what's going to happen between his gf and you.
--xoxo.
TM
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#12
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Posted 05 February 2009 - 09:56 PM
QUOTE (colloquy @ Feb 5 2009, 05:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Well, the damage is done, but I think you made a mistake "waiting for him for two years" and trying to be as close as you two used to have been before the girlfriend. You probably should have distanced yourself and something else to occupy yourself.
I'd actually start doing that now that you're not talking to him. He'll come, or he'll stay with his girlfriend. It's his decision, you need to start living your own life. and let him live his, especially if it's causing problems. You may think this is the end of the world, but people... they come and they go.
I'd actually start doing that now that you're not talking to him. He'll come, or he'll stay with his girlfriend. It's his decision, you need to start living your own life. and let him live his, especially if it's causing problems. You may think this is the end of the world, but people... they come and they go.
I don't enjoy taking such a cynical route in how people come and go in life but thank you for your opposing viewpoint nonetheless.
QUOTE (Apple.Mint @ Feb 5 2009, 11:59 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
First off, i would have to say right off the bat i'm not as nice and considerate as the other soompiers.
the fact you MIGHT loose your best friend is brought on by yourself. Yes i'm harsh i know, but i dont want to lie and pretend "oh yeah don't worry it'll be fine, things will be resolve" and crap because this is the way i see it, straight up.
you don't want to get between your bestfriend and his girlfriend correct? [at least that's the impression i got from what i read, i mean i may have interpret everything wrong]
if that's the case, then why in the world would you say that to him?! Why would you make him choose? It's like in a way you're saying...let me rephrase it
if he choose his gf, you would move on
however if he chooses you..what doyou guys become? best friend still? Because from what you wrote, the idea of you guys ever getting together is only a slim chance, not a definite thing even if he DID choose you. So in a way it is saying if he chooses you and you guys remain as best friends, then he'll never get a gf in his life?
That's the way i see it.
Of course there's a huge chance i'm wrong =P
it's just something to think about, in my opinion, you handle the situation fairly well, better than some people can handle it =]
so props to you!
but in you trying to ignore the feelings, and remain friends, you end up hurting him and his girlfriend.
so what i believes you should do is
sit, watch tv, i dont care, sit there, lay on your bed, THINK carefully [this is actually hard for some people because their personality type doesn't have that characteristic that allows them to think rationally in strong emotional situation O.O] okay side track lol anyway think about what YOU want, do you want him as a boyfriend or do you want him as your best friend?
Because if you want him as a boyfriend, you need to be a b*sh and fight for him, even if it means hurting his gf, relationship is all war and games =P
However, if you want to maintain the friendship, you need to back off now, don't wait for his answer whatever because you're just hurting him, why would you want to hurt your friend? Give them their space, knows your limit, the line that a friend or best friend should not cross. If this is the route you choose, i suggest a talk and perhaps apology to his gf for all the times he has hurt her due to you.
I apologized for my post in advance if i hurt you with my advice
It is what I see and what I believes
good luck to you and may your heart heal <3
the fact you MIGHT loose your best friend is brought on by yourself. Yes i'm harsh i know, but i dont want to lie and pretend "oh yeah don't worry it'll be fine, things will be resolve" and crap because this is the way i see it, straight up.
you don't want to get between your bestfriend and his girlfriend correct? [at least that's the impression i got from what i read, i mean i may have interpret everything wrong]
if that's the case, then why in the world would you say that to him?! Why would you make him choose? It's like in a way you're saying...let me rephrase it
if he choose his gf, you would move on
however if he chooses you..what doyou guys become? best friend still? Because from what you wrote, the idea of you guys ever getting together is only a slim chance, not a definite thing even if he DID choose you. So in a way it is saying if he chooses you and you guys remain as best friends, then he'll never get a gf in his life?
That's the way i see it.
Of course there's a huge chance i'm wrong =P
it's just something to think about, in my opinion, you handle the situation fairly well, better than some people can handle it =]
so props to you!
but in you trying to ignore the feelings, and remain friends, you end up hurting him and his girlfriend.
so what i believes you should do is
sit, watch tv, i dont care, sit there, lay on your bed, THINK carefully [this is actually hard for some people because their personality type doesn't have that characteristic that allows them to think rationally in strong emotional situation O.O] okay side track lol anyway think about what YOU want, do you want him as a boyfriend or do you want him as your best friend?
Because if you want him as a boyfriend, you need to be a b*sh and fight for him, even if it means hurting his gf, relationship is all war and games =P
However, if you want to maintain the friendship, you need to back off now, don't wait for his answer whatever because you're just hurting him, why would you want to hurt your friend? Give them their space, knows your limit, the line that a friend or best friend should not cross. If this is the route you choose, i suggest a talk and perhaps apology to his gf for all the times he has hurt her due to you.
I apologized for my post in advance if i hurt you with my advice
It is what I see and what I believes
good luck to you and may your heart heal <3
Perhaps I don't make this clear but basically, this situation came about because he started acting and speaking to me very differently since last week - I'm not sure what caused this. I basically told him that he has to stop that because he has a girlfriend and what he's doing is inappropriate...and he apologized too - but he said he couldn't control it he wasn't sure why... This is why we're in the situation that we're in... I can live on fine if he doesn't like me and I can hide my feelings well.. but it was his actions that kind of made this thing bubble over. The "ultimatum" included him having to clarify everyone's roles in the end. I really don't give him enough understanding for the magnitude of this decision - you are right.
I think I do want him as my boyfriend, but I want to him to choose whatever we become based on a clear mind which is why I refuse to talk to him now. I don't want him to make any decisions based on what feelings or emotions I might spill over if I talk to him... I don't want guilt or pity to be something that affects his choice.
I wish he told me about their fights so I would know that my role would be lessened in the beginning... It just sucks to know about this now. The problem also is because I don't know the girl that well (she's not my type of friend)... so I don't really speak to her other than when we go out as a group and even then, there's little in common and not much to say though I do try.
Thanks for making me think, hum.
QUOTE (ShawNzYy @ Feb 5 2009, 09:19 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I actually sat down with my sour trolli gummie worms and read all of this. All I can say is , "Wow." I have been in a similar situation and all i can say is that let time do its thing. Only time can give you the answers to the problems you are facing. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and prepare yourself for the future. Keep your head up and stay strong. Try to maintain the friendship. Life is all about getting hurt and that's how we can progress in life. Without pain, we can't see the pleasures of life. Wait till he made his decision and move from there. For now just stay strong and go grab a bag of sour trolli gummie worms. It makes life that much better with each bite.
Thank you for your encouragement and warm words. I will hie me some sour trolli gummie worms sometime this weekend haha.
QUOTE (Namine @ Feb 5 2009, 09:27 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
i want to save a comment because i want to help anyone with problems with best friends
i'm having issues that are long-term with mine as well and i've kept it hidden until recently myself so i will leave you a comment after im done everything <3
edit: This is a hard one. >____<
I am thinking that this isn't one of those situations where people say "If he dumps his girlfriend for his new girlfriend, what will he do to you".
This is not one of those!
It's just unfortunate to have this happen, because seriously 3 is a crowd.
I'm having problems with my best friend, who is a girl, and her BOYFRIEND (thank goodness no likey likey business there though)
But with my best guy friend, I actually managed to stop liking him which was fabulous for me, but I do have a soft spot for him at all times. :3
You are so mature, and so considerate; as with your guy friend. You guys... I guess there can't be a good balance, and would there be a chance for you to stop liking him?
I think the fact is that you can't stop liking him, perhaps you are just hopeful for a relationship, because after my hope dissipated, I didn't like my guy friend anymore..?
I'm not being very helpful sorry!
i'm having issues that are long-term with mine as well and i've kept it hidden until recently myself so i will leave you a comment after im done everything <3
edit: This is a hard one. >____<
I am thinking that this isn't one of those situations where people say "If he dumps his girlfriend for his new girlfriend, what will he do to you".
This is not one of those!
It's just unfortunate to have this happen, because seriously 3 is a crowd.
I'm having problems with my best friend, who is a girl, and her BOYFRIEND (thank goodness no likey likey business there though)
But with my best guy friend, I actually managed to stop liking him which was fabulous for me, but I do have a soft spot for him at all times. :3
You are so mature, and so considerate; as with your guy friend. You guys... I guess there can't be a good balance, and would there be a chance for you to stop liking him?
I think the fact is that you can't stop liking him, perhaps you are just hopeful for a relationship, because after my hope dissipated, I didn't like my guy friend anymore..?
I'm not being very helpful
sorry!I understand what you're trying to say and honestly, I've tried very hard to stop. Sometimes I think I did it, but it never really goes away because it haunts me but I just keep everything under because I've always believed that time can really take the feelings away.
QUOTE (Trinity <3 @ Feb 5 2009, 10:01 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
hang in there.. my best friend likes her best friend, aka my best friend/boyfriend.
she's been trying really hard to get rid of her feelings after 5 years, and i really don't know what to say to her.
but she still wants to be our best friends - we give her her space.
you need your space, and you need to know that breaking up a friendship won't help.
since he's been your best friend for so long and he cares about you greatly, hold on to the bond you have.
don't try too hard, or don't try at all. trying makes everything feel worse.
you'll cry your heart out, but you know you need it.
don't watch tv because you'll just be staring at it mindlessly thinking about him.
go out and have fun.
good luck <3
Thank you for your understanding... you said it - I really want to hold onto this bond... at the same time I understand that this might not be possible but I will try to immerse myself in work since fun isn't possible at this point in school haha.
#13
- I WATCH YOU SLEEP
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Posted 05 February 2009 - 09:59 PM
aw, im sorry to hear about all this that you're going through. this really is a difficult situation. i think you should just let if flow and let him make the decision. if he does pick his girlfriend, for you only time can heal you and if he picks you, then obviously he care more about you and that way its easier on his grilfriend becuase she knows now that he liked you more. it wouldn't have been fair for her if he liked you more and was going out with her.
the half done cross-word was the cutest thing i've read.
the half done cross-word was the cutest thing i've read.
#14
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Posted 05 February 2009 - 10:01 PM
i was in a similar situation, i guess.
my boyfriend has a girl best friend.
she said things to him that made me uncomfortable.
i wasn't very fond of her.
but yeah. i knew that if he liked her, then he would already be dating her.
ya know?
move on with your life. (:
my boyfriend has a girl best friend.
she said things to him that made me uncomfortable.
i wasn't very fond of her.
but yeah. i knew that if he liked her, then he would already be dating her.
ya know?
move on with your life. (:
oh hi.
#15
- Cheung Le
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Posted 05 February 2009 - 10:25 PM
I read your story, and as much as I wish to help, I really can't because i've never had much of a best friend either.
But I can tell you a story about one of my good friends. When he was in high school, he was best buds with this guy too, and my friend ended up liking his girlfriend. The girl and his bud dated for about 6 months, but broke it up before grad. So technically she was dateless to prom, and as much as my friend wanted to ask, he couldn't. So he kept his feelings inside. So during the summer before grade 12, his best friend sort of found out so he asked my friend straight out if he really liked her. My friend thought it was just infatuation, so he said no. But during grad, his friend asked again, and my friend told him that he did have feelings for her. He told me that during grad night at the hotel party, his best friend and the girl was talking in the bathroom and when my friend heard her crying, my friend just drank so much that he passed out.
I might not have explained it so well, but my point is that, sometimes when a third person comes in between you and your best friend, it's hard to revert to the way things were if you know what I mean. Sometimes it's unavoidable, and perhaps maybe I misread something, but maybe you should try and find out what he thinks of you too?
My friend still talks to the girl today, and he still likes her too. But as for him and his best bud, not so lucky with their friendship, they drifted apart. His bud doesn't even talk to the girl anymore. They broke up for good. I find it weird, because pretty much the girl knew all about it, about the conflicts between my friend and her ex in HS, but as much as she talks about how things could have been different with him, she still never said she wanted to try and be together with my friend either today. The thing is that she knows my friend still likes her, so she in a sense "uses" my friend because he listens to her, comforts her when she needs him, but she sorta just leaves him in the dark during the times that she's okay. My friend and this girl is like you and your best friend. They talked about everything, but the relationship between her and her ex was never much of a topic of discussion.
Things really wired after that situation, all because that girl came into their friendship. It's been 4 years since they graduated from HS.
Sorry if it might seem like I had no point to my story. Reading your story reminded me of my friend, and I guess perhaps I just want to say that sometimes it's so hard to keep things just between the two of you, but as soon as a third person comes in and cause conflicts, then more often than not, it's really easy for your friendship with him to derail, if not by a lot, then by a little. I guess I would just try to avoid the ignorant actions and what not, maybe you can still talk to him, but make it obvious that you clearly want a distance until he figures it out. All I know is..you can try your best to be the bigger person here, no matter how confused he is with the situation between his girlfriend and the clearly valuable friendship with you. You can put a distance to it, but not too much if you know what I mean :/
I hope it helps, and even though i've never had a best friend or this kind of drama in my life, I really do feel for you. I really hope things work out, because a long valuable friendship is something you'll never stop crying over when you lose it.
But I can tell you a story about one of my good friends. When he was in high school, he was best buds with this guy too, and my friend ended up liking his girlfriend. The girl and his bud dated for about 6 months, but broke it up before grad. So technically she was dateless to prom, and as much as my friend wanted to ask, he couldn't. So he kept his feelings inside. So during the summer before grade 12, his best friend sort of found out so he asked my friend straight out if he really liked her. My friend thought it was just infatuation, so he said no. But during grad, his friend asked again, and my friend told him that he did have feelings for her. He told me that during grad night at the hotel party, his best friend and the girl was talking in the bathroom and when my friend heard her crying, my friend just drank so much that he passed out.
I might not have explained it so well, but my point is that, sometimes when a third person comes in between you and your best friend, it's hard to revert to the way things were if you know what I mean. Sometimes it's unavoidable, and perhaps maybe I misread something, but maybe you should try and find out what he thinks of you too?
My friend still talks to the girl today, and he still likes her too. But as for him and his best bud, not so lucky with their friendship, they drifted apart. His bud doesn't even talk to the girl anymore. They broke up for good. I find it weird, because pretty much the girl knew all about it, about the conflicts between my friend and her ex in HS, but as much as she talks about how things could have been different with him, she still never said she wanted to try and be together with my friend either today. The thing is that she knows my friend still likes her, so she in a sense "uses" my friend because he listens to her, comforts her when she needs him, but she sorta just leaves him in the dark during the times that she's okay. My friend and this girl is like you and your best friend. They talked about everything, but the relationship between her and her ex was never much of a topic of discussion.
Things really wired after that situation, all because that girl came into their friendship. It's been 4 years since they graduated from HS.
Sorry if it might seem like I had no point to my story. Reading your story reminded me of my friend, and I guess perhaps I just want to say that sometimes it's so hard to keep things just between the two of you, but as soon as a third person comes in and cause conflicts, then more often than not, it's really easy for your friendship with him to derail, if not by a lot, then by a little. I guess I would just try to avoid the ignorant actions and what not, maybe you can still talk to him, but make it obvious that you clearly want a distance until he figures it out. All I know is..you can try your best to be the bigger person here, no matter how confused he is with the situation between his girlfriend and the clearly valuable friendship with you. You can put a distance to it, but not too much if you know what I mean :/
I hope it helps, and even though i've never had a best friend or this kind of drama in my life, I really do feel for you. I really hope things work out, because a long valuable friendship is something you'll never stop crying over when you lose it.
#16
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Posted 06 February 2009 - 12:08 AM
QUOTE (Mooie @ Feb 6 2009, 01:25 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I read your story, and as much as I wish to help, I really can't because i've never had much of a best friend either.
But I can tell you a story about one of my good friends. When he was in high school, he was best buds with this guy too, and my friend ended up liking his girlfriend. The girl and his bud dated for about 6 months, but broke it up before grad. So technically she was dateless to prom, and as much as my friend wanted to ask, he couldn't. So he kept his feelings inside. So during the summer before grade 12, his best friend sort of found out so he asked my friend straight out if he really liked her. My friend thought it was just infatuation, so he said no. But during grad, his friend asked again, and my friend told him that he did have feelings for her. He told me that during grad night at the hotel party, his best friend and the girl was talking in the bathroom and when my friend heard her crying, my friend just drank so much that he passed out.
I might not have explained it so well, but my point is that, sometimes when a third person comes in between you and your best friend, it's hard to revert to the way things were if you know what I mean. Sometimes it's unavoidable, and perhaps maybe I misread something, but maybe you should try and find out what he thinks of you too?
My friend still talks to the girl today, and he still likes her too. But as for him and his best bud, not so lucky with their friendship, they drifted apart. His bud doesn't even talk to the girl anymore. They broke up for good. I find it weird, because pretty much the girl knew all about it, about the conflicts between my friend and her ex in HS, but as much as she talks about how things could have been different with him, she still never said she wanted to try and be together with my friend either today. The thing is that she knows my friend still likes her, so she in a sense "uses" my friend because he listens to her, comforts her when she needs him, but she sorta just leaves him in the dark during the times that she's okay. My friend and this girl is like you and your best friend. They talked about everything, but the relationship between her and her ex was never much of a topic of discussion.
Things really wired after that situation, all because that girl came into their friendship. It's been 4 years since they graduated from HS.
Sorry if it might seem like I had no point to my story. Reading your story reminded me of my friend, and I guess perhaps I just want to say that sometimes it's so hard to keep things just between the two of you, but as soon as a third person comes in and cause conflicts, then more often than not, it's really easy for your friendship with him to derail, if not by a lot, then by a little. I guess I would just try to avoid the ignorant actions and what not, maybe you can still talk to him, but make it obvious that you clearly want a distance until he figures it out. All I know is..you can try your best to be the bigger person here, no matter how confused he is with the situation between his girlfriend and the clearly valuable friendship with you. You can put a distance to it, but not too much if you know what I mean :/
I hope it helps, and even though i've never had a best friend or this kind of drama in my life, I really do feel for you. I really hope things work out, because a long valuable friendship is something you'll never stop crying over when you lose it.
But I can tell you a story about one of my good friends. When he was in high school, he was best buds with this guy too, and my friend ended up liking his girlfriend. The girl and his bud dated for about 6 months, but broke it up before grad. So technically she was dateless to prom, and as much as my friend wanted to ask, he couldn't. So he kept his feelings inside. So during the summer before grade 12, his best friend sort of found out so he asked my friend straight out if he really liked her. My friend thought it was just infatuation, so he said no. But during grad, his friend asked again, and my friend told him that he did have feelings for her. He told me that during grad night at the hotel party, his best friend and the girl was talking in the bathroom and when my friend heard her crying, my friend just drank so much that he passed out.
I might not have explained it so well, but my point is that, sometimes when a third person comes in between you and your best friend, it's hard to revert to the way things were if you know what I mean. Sometimes it's unavoidable, and perhaps maybe I misread something, but maybe you should try and find out what he thinks of you too?
My friend still talks to the girl today, and he still likes her too. But as for him and his best bud, not so lucky with their friendship, they drifted apart. His bud doesn't even talk to the girl anymore. They broke up for good. I find it weird, because pretty much the girl knew all about it, about the conflicts between my friend and her ex in HS, but as much as she talks about how things could have been different with him, she still never said she wanted to try and be together with my friend either today. The thing is that she knows my friend still likes her, so she in a sense "uses" my friend because he listens to her, comforts her when she needs him, but she sorta just leaves him in the dark during the times that she's okay. My friend and this girl is like you and your best friend. They talked about everything, but the relationship between her and her ex was never much of a topic of discussion.
Things really wired after that situation, all because that girl came into their friendship. It's been 4 years since they graduated from HS.
Sorry if it might seem like I had no point to my story. Reading your story reminded me of my friend, and I guess perhaps I just want to say that sometimes it's so hard to keep things just between the two of you, but as soon as a third person comes in and cause conflicts, then more often than not, it's really easy for your friendship with him to derail, if not by a lot, then by a little. I guess I would just try to avoid the ignorant actions and what not, maybe you can still talk to him, but make it obvious that you clearly want a distance until he figures it out. All I know is..you can try your best to be the bigger person here, no matter how confused he is with the situation between his girlfriend and the clearly valuable friendship with you. You can put a distance to it, but not too much if you know what I mean :/
I hope it helps, and even though i've never had a best friend or this kind of drama in my life, I really do feel for you. I really hope things work out, because a long valuable friendship is something you'll never stop crying over when you lose it.
Thank you for sharing that story and understanding how much this friendship means to me...
#17
- turning rotten over the holidays -_-"
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Posted 07 February 2009 - 10:45 AM
i guess the feelings was there for years because he was always with you when you are in need. definitely a friend material.
but u see, if the feeling was there for you in him, he would have dated u sooner.
but it seems that he takes the friendship more like a sister-brother relationship. he treats you well because u grew up in similiar upbringings and maybe he takes you as a very close sister that he needs to protect.
im sorry but the only thing that i thought after reading was you are nothing more than a best friend to him. he took a very good care of you because you are fragile emotionally and he is acting his role out as a best friend to be there for you whenever, in whatever situations which i think u misunderstood and fall for him instead.
maybe u should let him go? lets just put urself in the girlfriend shoes. u would also feel hurt to see ur boyfriend runs over the girl-bestfriend everytime and to endure it for 2 years must have been hard for the girlfriend.
for me, seeing him happy with the person he loves makes me happy though it hurts so much inside. best friends are hard to find but love come and go. it's not too late i guess since he haven't contacted you for the past days. why not try to keep the friendship and for the feelings you had for him, go on a vacation, let him out from ur life for the moment and see how it goes.
p/s : im sorry for not being helpful. but i hope u understand what im trying to say here though i might have hurt u with my words :S
but u see, if the feeling was there for you in him, he would have dated u sooner.
but it seems that he takes the friendship more like a sister-brother relationship. he treats you well because u grew up in similiar upbringings and maybe he takes you as a very close sister that he needs to protect.
im sorry but the only thing that i thought after reading was you are nothing more than a best friend to him. he took a very good care of you because you are fragile emotionally and he is acting his role out as a best friend to be there for you whenever, in whatever situations which i think u misunderstood and fall for him instead.
maybe u should let him go? lets just put urself in the girlfriend shoes. u would also feel hurt to see ur boyfriend runs over the girl-bestfriend everytime and to endure it for 2 years must have been hard for the girlfriend.
for me, seeing him happy with the person he loves makes me happy though it hurts so much inside. best friends are hard to find but love come and go. it's not too late i guess since he haven't contacted you for the past days. why not try to keep the friendship and for the feelings you had for him, go on a vacation, let him out from ur life for the moment and see how it goes.
p/s : im sorry for not being helpful. but i hope u understand what im trying to say here though i might have hurt u with my words :S
COLOURFUL is ME :)
mood : WTH? +__+
#18
- リナリです。
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Posted 07 February 2009 - 01:45 PM
Omgosh! You know what, I was in the same situation as you a while ago, but mine never lasted years...
I think you are acting with alot of maturity in giving him some space.
I've been in both shoes, as the gf with a bf who has a female best friend.
I actually have a huge issue with my boyfriend, and this one girl who is one of his closest girl friends.
He even emailed her...behind my back to talk about me...and while somethings were good, others weren't.
I felt really hurt and he even expected me to be good friends with her...
Eventually he did tell me about the emails, and I hated her guts even more.
I still quite hate her, and if I had the chance, I would probably push her over a bridge.
So I think it's very mature, and noble of you to distance yourself, regardless of how you feel about him.
While I have no advice other than to wait for him to realize who means more to him, I wish you the best of luck.
I know it's hard for you, but until his girlfriend is out of the picture, I have to admit, 3 is a crowd.
I think you are acting with alot of maturity in giving him some space.
I've been in both shoes, as the gf with a bf who has a female best friend.
I actually have a huge issue with my boyfriend, and this one girl who is one of his closest girl friends.
He even emailed her...behind my back to talk about me...and while somethings were good, others weren't.
I felt really hurt and he even expected me to be good friends with her...
Eventually he did tell me about the emails, and I hated her guts even more.
I still quite hate her, and if I had the chance, I would probably push her over a bridge.
So I think it's very mature, and noble of you to distance yourself, regardless of how you feel about him.
While I have no advice other than to wait for him to realize who means more to him, I wish you the best of luck.
I know it's hard for you, but until his girlfriend is out of the picture, I have to admit, 3 is a crowd.
#19
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Posted 07 February 2009 - 04:46 PM
QUOTE (afqh25 @ Feb 7 2009, 01:45 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
i guess the feelings was there for years because he was always with you when you are in need. definitely a friend material.
but u see, if the feeling was there for you in him, he would have dated u sooner.
but it seems that he takes the friendship more like a sister-brother relationship. he treats you well because u grew up in similiar upbringings and maybe he takes you as a very close sister that he needs to protect.
im sorry but the only thing that i thought after reading was you are nothing more than a best friend to him. he took a very good care of you because you are fragile emotionally and he is acting his role out as a best friend to be there for you whenever, in whatever situations which i think u misunderstood and fall for him instead.
maybe u should let him go? lets just put urself in the girlfriend shoes. u would also feel hurt to see ur boyfriend runs over the girl-bestfriend everytime and to endure it for 2 years must have been hard for the girlfriend.
for me, seeing him happy with the person he loves makes me happy though it hurts so much inside. best friends are hard to find but love come and go. it's not too late i guess since he haven't contacted you for the past days. why not try to keep the friendship and for the feelings you had for him, go on a vacation, let him out from ur life for the moment and see how it goes.
p/s : im sorry for not being helpful. but i hope u understand what im trying to say here though i might have hurt u with my words :S
but u see, if the feeling was there for you in him, he would have dated u sooner.
but it seems that he takes the friendship more like a sister-brother relationship. he treats you well because u grew up in similiar upbringings and maybe he takes you as a very close sister that he needs to protect.
im sorry but the only thing that i thought after reading was you are nothing more than a best friend to him. he took a very good care of you because you are fragile emotionally and he is acting his role out as a best friend to be there for you whenever, in whatever situations which i think u misunderstood and fall for him instead.
maybe u should let him go? lets just put urself in the girlfriend shoes. u would also feel hurt to see ur boyfriend runs over the girl-bestfriend everytime and to endure it for 2 years must have been hard for the girlfriend.
for me, seeing him happy with the person he loves makes me happy though it hurts so much inside. best friends are hard to find but love come and go. it's not too late i guess since he haven't contacted you for the past days. why not try to keep the friendship and for the feelings you had for him, go on a vacation, let him out from ur life for the moment and see how it goes.
p/s : im sorry for not being helpful. but i hope u understand what im trying to say here though i might have hurt u with my words :S
"for me, seeing him happy with the person he loves makes me happy though it hurts so much inside. best friends are hard to find but love come and go. it's not too late i guess since he haven't contacted you for the past days. why not try to keep the friendship and for the feelings you had for him, go on a vacation, let him out from ur life for the moment and see how it goes."
i know that while he may be happy with that person.. he has made it clear he won't be happy without me as his friend, too... I want to see him happy, too.. i don't think that's the issue here... I am willing to go if that would make him happy - but i am sure that won't make him happier...
it's okay... overall I know what you're saying and that there is some truth in the fact that I should be learning to live a life somewhat independent of him.. a lot of people have given me that advice and I'm trying..
thanks
#20
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Posted 07 February 2009 - 06:14 PM
i'm really sorry..... this is really tough on you and him. idk, just hope that things will turn out for the best. you guys have been BEST FRIENDS for longer than he and his gf have had a relationship. so he should obviously choose you. you guys have more of a history and... idk. i wish you good luck and fortune for this 2009.
