[yuiyean]

I nicked them from my LYN forum.

"The Infant-Sized Penis"
Jim decided to propose to Sandy. But prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old's.
He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much. However, Jim felt this was the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant's, and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes. I will marry you and learn to live with your infant- sized penis." Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim rushed Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant's!"
"It is . . . 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches!"

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On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of �100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice. The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent," says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's �7000." Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. "Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's �7500." Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll have measured the tip of my d*** to he end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands sahr!"

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It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones, John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe's boat sank on the same day that John's wife died.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said:" I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible." Joe replied; " Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle! " THE OLD LADY FAINTED.

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Deaf sex
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"
Penis

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One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

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Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
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Joke 1
Boy goes for a Blood Test. The nurse takes the sample but can't find cotton so she
sucks his finger instead. The happy boy then ask "Can I gat a urine test as well?".

Joke 2
Do u know why guys fart louder? Because in between his legs, there is
1 microphone and 2 speakers.

Joke 3
A wife asks hubby how many women he had slept with? Husband proudly replies
only u darling; with others I was awake!

Joke 4
One day a man ask his doctor how to live longer?

Doc: Do you smoke?
Man: No

Doc: Do you drink?
Man: No

Doc: How about gambling?
Man: No

Doc: Do you like sex?
Man: No.

Doc: Why in the world would you want to live long for then?


Joke 5
Phone rings and the maid picks up phone as her master is bathing. The caller wnted to talk to the master so
the maid replied "mastur bating"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The below conversation really happened on a Singapore radio..

Presenter : Good morning. This is Power 98 & do you want to play a game?
Contestant : Yeah, why not.

Presenter : Good. It is a simple game. When I say something you have to give an answer that is opposite to what I have said. For eg. when I say Sharp, you have to answer Blunt. OK?
Contestant : OK.

Presenter : Black
Contestant : White.

Presenter : Tall
Contestant : Short.

Presenter : Dog
Contestant : Cat.

Presenter : Man
Contestant : Woman

Presenter : Cock
Contestant : F*** !!!

RADIO SILENCE !!!!!!

Presenter : These things sometimes happen and we are on air live. Let's take a commercial break here.
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The question is: Why did the chicken cross the road?, every famous and
powerful person has different answers and grounds.


GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road. The chicken is either with
us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represents the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed access to the other side of the road.


MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq's ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We
don't even have a chicken.


SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it


HELEN CLARK
Unless the chicken had UN approval to cross, this is a blatant breach of
international law.


MARIAN HOBBS
Chickens must get resource consent to cross roads. Officials from the
Ministry for the Environment will investigate the activities of this
chicken.


DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The
chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!


ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.


MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.


JOHN LENNON
Imagine - chickens crossing roads everywhere - in peace.


FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have
to cross before you believe it?

BILL GATES
I have just released e-Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -
and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?


BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken, please?
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A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother
who
is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already
asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the
top
bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers
that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to
whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a
new
position.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!



Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouted up, "Hey, would you guys stop
making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over
my face!
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An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
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Phew, that was long.
Close If its a (major) repost. Thx.

[Juuuny]

oh em gee lol....
wat a time killer xDDD
SO MANY DIRTY JOKES EEEW LOL

[Akira45393]

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

^ I dont' get the end...

[cherriholicxx]

rofl! That was a long post. ♥
I've only heard the first one and the lettuce/tomato joke.
The others were all new to me. ^^;
They're all so dirty though! rofl!
My favorite was the chicken one though; Dr. Seuss' and Albert Einstein's response were epik. ♥ ♥ ♥

[BBYdon'tGO;]

goodness these are too silly

[Sweetieangel777]

^ I dont' get the end...

XDD It means that the guy at the pub was doing the landlord's wife (not knowing that the woman in the car WAS the landlord's wife).


Anyway, awesome perverted jokes. XD

[jberry5]

LOOL XDD

these are awesome

but the mayonnaise part was so wrong x_x

[tiguangna]

You may have to include a warning of some sorts since some of these jokes are unsuitable for younger soompiers.

Anyway, awesome jokes, especially the chicken ones. To be honest, I thought the Bush quote was real at first. After all, I've heard him say sillier stuff.

[bloodrayne]

oh wow. some jokes are just... wrong... XDDD
but the chicken ones were amusing XD

[EHNerJI]

haha i heard the sandwich making one before X:
how awkward for the little brother XD lol.

[mizz_J]

hahaha I'd heard the sandwich making one before but still, it's wrong haha esp. since the little brother is like right below them

but some of these are really funny, yet perverted at the same time.

[lil_miss_kawaii]

LMFAO

the first one
an infant?!
hahahah crazy

DirtyJokes are always funny hehe

[clownface]

lol, the sandwhich one xD

[k i m c h i *]

LOLLL. Funny~ but some of them are very perverted xD

[XxKhmerBoiXx]

umm a lot of dirty ones lol

[marukota]

it's a lil' nasty but funny

[simplii_forevah]

LOOOOOOL.

They're all so hilarious !

[xree]

omg, these jokes are so dirty xD
but they're still funny xD

[HikariJung]

hehe a lot of dirty jokes but I like the chicken one though......

Imagine - chickens crossing roads everywhere - in peace.

lolz

[winterofdiscontent]

LOL
Some of those chicken crossing the road responses were pretty funny & that Singapore radio one was like O.O