[dAN.c]

for background info, my dad is a person who is unaffectionate, don't know if you could call him a dad. when i was growing up, he was never around, mostly because he worked until the evening, and just sat on his couch to watch tv. usually if he had a bad day, i'd get in trouble..usually the trouble wasn't so fun if you know what i mean..so yeah i would deal with him yelling/threatening me..if i said a word then itd be physical, i only dealt with it knowing i'd go to college and hopefully escape right (and this was ever since i was in 6th grade) ?my mom can't really handle him either, so he'd end up doing pretty abusive mini cooper, verbal or physical

well now i go to school in san diego so i thought i would've escaped. i only attended ucsd since he chose my major, otherwise he wouldnt pay for it. last quarter i started a core class for the major, and didnt do so well..i mean i dont even like engineering..john teshing reminds me of my dad. so guess what? i didnt do so well. he called me a lot that quarter, telling me how im not fit to even study, and i should just do something im capable of; such as being a garbage man, whatever labor job my dad thinks im worthy of. and i'm thinking the whole time, HOW does he know what im capable of, he doesnt even know my hobbies, my friends, my LIFE, or ME.

now its spring break, and obviously, he doesnt respect me..pretty disappointed in such a "failure" son. the whole asian deal of not doing well in school thing. not that he hasnt done it before, but now he doesnt even look at me. i mean he's told me a couple of times to just bounce, leave the house, never to call again. haha but i bet he isnt doing it yet because people will look at him badly, and he's hella insecure so he wouldnt do such a thing yet.

i'm generally a happy kid, just hella quiet/reserved sometimes since im so angry at ...i dont even know if im angry at my dad or the fact that i know i can never do anything to PLEASE him. every accomplishment ive ever done was to try to please his pinkberry ass, and i've given up. i smoke so much these days and i hate being a pothead.

to people out there with dads like this..how the john tesh do you deal with it? people always ask me why im so quiet sometimes, is that how you guys are too? im so serious and angry sometimes, i hate it so much, i can only relax by smokin it off. wish i could have an easier solution

[yabasta]

Mate, I totally feel for ya.

You got money to travel overseas? I think it's a good idea to go work and stuff like that for a year or two.

Seriously, sounds crazy, but it's better than staying put in a situation where things are just... not working out for ya.

Weed is good, but don't push it into everyday usage. You'd be a fiend in that case, and no one likes those guys in their circles lol.

Keep your head up, as a Korean, with many a Korean friends living in NZ... I can tell you that half of them have 'ran away' from home at least once; not only to a different city, but to different countries. lol. They've come back though... or moved on into their new lives (which I'm happy for them).

It's never too late to start a new life. Screw engineering if you got a bad mark. Go look around for a new thing that you might be good at.

You can do it bro. Use your dad NOT as an excuse to smoke weed everyday (even though that is tempting and easier to do) use his pain in the butt role in your life to go find a better life for yourself.

If you can't choose a location to go, I'd suggest (if you can afford it) a around the world trip. Those things make you move around the world constantly, but that'll still make things interesting no?

If your parents (or your dad) says this is a waste of time; tell yourself 'so what? It's not a waste of time if I go overseas and see new things and experience things that could potentially change my life for the better!'

Dads are difficult, especially if you're Korean, and living as an immigrant. It sucks, but immigrants lead hard lives (unless they have heaps of money lol); so you've got to give it that 150%.

Fly away my friend, but be prepared ... I only wish best of lucks for ya.

yabasta

[colloquy]

Just take out school loans and get a job , that way your father can't tell you what to do. How old are you, by the way? How does he know your grades? I know that many kids don't want to be in debt, but believe me, the kids that pay and have responsibility tend to do better than the kids whose parents are paying.

[hallokitty]

i understand about u when u get ask 'why are u so quiet' .. i got ask that too and it was becoz i was sad, and didn't feel like talking at all. wasn't in the mood, unless i was happy, i be full of things to say.

and about ur dad saying u should be a garbage man, i was told that by my mum. except garbage girl. coz she was dissapointed that i haven't found a job yet, and tell me to be anything. But now i have, and shes fine with it.

I think ur dad has got high expectation of u, and he is similiar to alot of asian parents out there, typical wants u to be the best. I remember there was another soompier who posted a topic about her mother being angry at her and calling her stupid, etc... because she was late 15 minuites, for her mother to pick her up. Sounds like ur dad.

I think ur dad he is saying things he don't mean, if anything he know's ur smart. he prob dnt want to let u knw.

About engernieering, if u don't like the course, u should change course, ur in ucsd.. thats a great uni! ur capable of studyin wot u like and im sure ur do great! Just change ur major, tell ur dad u tried it, dnt like it and u want to try this other major.

Instead of smoking, take some soothing sweets. u can get from drug store. it's betta than smokin.

[jvu]

Finally, someone who I can relate to.

The way I deal with it .. Well all I really do is leave the house whenever I can, go for a run, take a walk, whatever alone... And give myself time to think and relax. I understand why you smoke alot .. Ive been blazing for quite a while to get all my stress out. But I stopped, because its pointless.. When the head rush is gone, ill just be back to where I left off.. (okay tbh I still do it once in a while).

The only thing you could really do right now, is think about the future. If you want to study to become something els, then take a student loan. Your father doesn't have to pay for it. So by the time you're done studying to become whatever, you can get a job and pay your student loan back (or work and study at the same time), and move out.. And be free from you're father. The future is what motivates me.. Put up with this bs for now, but will soon we'll be on our own two feet, away from all this. And for all the horrible things he may say or do, suck it in. Thats what I do.. Rather then trying to fight back.. Because its just pointless/waste of breath and makes things worse.

Don't worry, one day you'll look back and be thankful you're out... Just gotta go through steps to get to that day.

Wish you the best of luck & keep your head up! =], hope I helped... =/

[lea11]

I feel you. My dad called me a garbage girl before too. Since I was about 13. So I never really had a great relationship with him, ever.

You know, you can't hang around him forever. You know he won't change. You know you don't want to live a life like this, if you don't want him in it, now is the time to start and thinking independent. Perhaps you could rely on your mother, ask her for help - do it a bit secretively if u know what i mean, and eventually, you'll have your own life and your own family.


Also, this is a good lesson for you to NOT be the type of father yours was

[Meenuh]

My dad used to joke around and say that not even a community college will accept me. I used to get called stupid a lot by my mom. I still haven't gone to or finished school but I am working full time as an office manager/accountant so they don't say much to me these days except my mom asks "when are you gonna go back to school?" but in a nice way now. I guess I showed them I can be responsible enough to make my own money and get a legit and decent job. I just tell her, with this economy, I can't really quit my job and I work full time so it'd be very hard for me to go to school. Oh and I don't drive so by the time I get to school it'd be over because of rush hour. Lol.

When my parents used to say stuff like that, i'd be very upset and just cry. I really don't think you should do something you aren't happy doing. Don't let your parents live your life for you. It's YOUR life. Do what you want to do even if your dad doesn't like it. I see that as a poisonous environment... he's sucking the will and life out of you! Do something you're passionate about and do it well and shut your dad up!

[dAN.c]

Mate, I totally feel for ya.

You got money to travel overseas? I think it's a good idea to go work and stuff like that for a year or two.

Seriously, sounds crazy, but it's better than staying put in a situation where things are just... not working out for ya.

Weed is good, but don't push it into everyday usage. You'd be a fiend in that case, and no one likes those guys in their circles lol.

Keep your head up, as a Korean, with many a Korean friends living in NZ... I can tell you that half of them have 'ran away' from home at least once; not only to a different city, but to different countries. lol. They've come back though... or moved on into their new lives (which I'm happy for them).

It's never too late to start a new life. Screw engineering if you got a bad mark. Go look around for a new thing that you might be good at.

You can do it bro. Use your dad NOT as an excuse to smoke weed everyday (even though that is tempting and easier to do) use his pain in the butt role in your life to go find a better life for yourself.

If you can't choose a location to go, I'd suggest (if you can afford it) a around the world trip. Those things make you move around the world constantly, but that'll still make things interesting no?

If your parents (or your dad) says this is a waste of time; tell yourself 'so what? It's not a waste of time if I go overseas and see new things and experience things that could potentially change my life for the better!'

Dads are difficult, especially if you're Korean, and living as an immigrant. It sucks, but immigrants lead hard lives (unless they have heaps of money lol); so you've got to give it that 150%.

Fly away my friend, but be prepared ... I only wish best of lucks for ya.

yabasta

dang...i dont think im down to leave the country, but it would be a good idea

Just take out school loans and get a job , that way your father can't tell you what to do. How old are you, by the way? How does he know your grades? I know that many kids don't want to be in debt, but believe me, the kids that pay and have responsibility tend to do better than the kids whose parents are paying.

im 18, he doesnt know my grades, but he seems to be certain im failing. but yeah i agree with the whole pay for yourself thing, would make me work a bit harder knowing its my money going down the drain huh..haha

[yabasta]

So how's things mate? I know it's been like... a day, but what's the update?

yabasta

[lilyrose]

First of all, I saw your pic, and you are super good looking so don't spoil those gorgeous looks by smoking weed--which will kill brain cells, make you age faster, and basically mess you up. I understand why you are smoking, but you are only hurting yourself by making your father win.

I feel for you and I really sympathize with you. I moved away when I was 18 too but I did it by getting student loans and scholarships and then never again took another penny from my family. The thing is, even if you get away, they can emotionally still have power over you so you must, must, must try to find a therapist you can talk with.

But for now,
1. Know that you are a good person and that you DESERVE to be loved unconditionally. If you don't believe it, SAY IT TO YOURSELF.

2. Look into student loans. If you need to, transfer to a university in another state as far away from your father as possible. Sometimes physical distance allows for psychological distance.

3. If your father gets abusive on the phone, put the phone on mute. Try not to listen to what he says because words are poisonous and you will start to believe his words. Try to not talk to him or have communication if you can. It is okay to cut out family members who are mean and abusive from your life. Don't feel guilty.

4. Think about this as a long term war--so you don't get overwhelmed. Your objective is to not let your father win. That means, you have to be a good student, get a degree, get a job, and get on with your life. Don't become the loser that your father wants you to be. Just be the person you want to be--and I am sure that you want to be successful and happy. So make your own goals.

5. Don't try to win your father's approval--try to only get your approval. If you can make yourself proud, that's all that matters. Your father will never approve. You don't need his approval because any man who hits is not a decent man in the first place and does not need anybody's respect.

For now, you need to stay in school and get a degree. Also try to have fun--in your own way. Enjoy your "freedom" in college. During holidays, see if you can spend them with friends. I am sure that your mother misses you a lot because she was abused too so maybe try to have a connection with her.

Things will get better. Hang in there.

[Clix]

Mate, I totally feel for ya.

You got money to travel overseas? I think it's a good idea to go work and stuff like that for a year or two.

Seriously, sounds crazy, but it's better than staying put in a situation where things are just... not working out for ya.

Weed is good, but don't push it into everyday usage. You'd be a fiend in that case, and no one likes those guys in their circles lol.

Keep your head up, as a Korean, with many a Korean friends living in NZ... I can tell you that half of them have 'ran away' from home at least once; not only to a different city, but to different countries. lol. They've come back though... or moved on into their new lives (which I'm happy for them).

It's never too late to start a new life. Screw engineering if you got a bad mark. Go look around for a new thing that you might be good at.

You can do it bro. Use your dad NOT as an excuse to smoke weed everyday (even though that is tempting and easier to do) use his pain in the butt role in your life to go find a better life for yourself.

If you can't choose a location to go, I'd suggest (if you can afford it) a around the world trip. Those things make you move around the world constantly, but that'll still make things interesting no?

If your parents (or your dad) says this is a waste of time; tell yourself 'so what? It's not a waste of time if I go overseas and see new things and experience things that could potentially change my life for the better!'

Dads are difficult, especially if you're Korean, and living as an immigrant. It sucks, but immigrants lead hard lives (unless they have heaps of money lol); so you've got to give it that 150%.

Fly away my friend, but be prepared ... I only wish best of lucks for ya.

yabasta

1st generation dads are always difficult, no matter what race.

F it man, you can't please everyone, including your parents. You had to major in engineering or else he wouldn't pay for college? Then to hell with him paying for college. Get a job, pay for it yourself. Don't get forced into a career field you don't like. If they have a problem, have them deal with it. It's better to do something you enjoy or interested in, then something you hate because it reminds you of your dad.

My dad was the same way, always urged me to become this, become that. My HS freshmen year, I almost dropped out. I got yelled at, lectured, threatened to be kicked out of the house, etc. When I was a senior, I was training to be an auto mechanic, I got yelled at, lectured, and threatened to be kicked out again.

You should do what you enjoy and the only person that should stop you, IS you.

[Flicksityy]

Three sentences, just get a job, just learn to be dependent, just learn to stop whining. He's still your dad, now stick with with it. Life is tough, but it'll get tougher if you just sit there and complain.

[ShadowMax76]

my lil brother's working hard to prove my parents wrong about uni being the only way to make it in life.

_ some people need the push. the hard words. o_O' have you ever heard of a celebrity's parents being 'meh'? _but. they should just support w/e you choose and push you then..

but others. it doesn't work.

x_X' but eh. sometimes we just hate 'em so much that we fail just to spite 'em... but that doesn't help anyone.

[InfiniteTime]

your dad sounds like my mom.

[ny-sw / ny_sw.]

Wow, yeahh. I'll be honest here, I hate my dad too 'cause he did the same thing.
He has no idea who I am, what I like to do, constantly compares me to my peers and always asks, "look at her. she's so good at ____. why do you suck?" even though I'm always helping him and my mama around the house with their business and such.. Bleughh.
I just went to NY for a semester and I would have stayed if he didn't get us into trouble (long story), but he's stopped doing that since I'm missing a semester because of him. :/

Take out student loans, choose a major that you want to do, shut your dad out (what he says to you about being a "failure" at least) and prove to him that you're NOT a failure by doing well in school.
I don't see the point in seeking approval from someone who is deadset on NOT giving it to you, so just don't even worry about it.
Start accomplish things because you genuinely have an interest in it.

Good luck, and keep your head up.

[Elee]

i'm really sorry for what your going through. i feel ya. since everyone has already given you good advice, ill just add onto it by telling you to do something more productive and good for your body/self rather than getting deeper into your problems. you should go out for a run. itll feel good. everytime im mad or angry i go out for a run and the feeling is really satisfying. being angry makes you run faster, and when you run fast , problems go away for a little bit, at least for me. good luck and i hope you'll do well.