[mpham725]

Hi guys!! Ok, my friend is going through some relationship problems with her husband and she needs some advice. I don’t know what to tell her and I asked if it was ok that I posted this up here…

She’s been married to this guy for 2 years, they’ve been together for 4 years, and they have a little girl together. She lived with him before they got married and they ended up getting married because she got pregnant. Currently, she’s staying with her mom because her mom’s in town from another state and she doesn’t want her mom staying by herself. Her husband is ok with this, or so he says he is, but I don’t think so because he complains there’s no one to clean up and stuff. He also said that since she’s at home with her mom that she needs to learn to clean properly. I really don’t agree with this because she goes to school, goes to work, takes care of the baby and she is expected to clean up. I mean, can’t her husband help too? He just recently went back to work and school, during those other years he didn’t really do much. Well, he did take care of the baby during her first semester of school, but then his parents were saying what a horrible mother she was for making him take care of the baby.

Anyways, she told me that they recently got in a fight about her coming home. She wants to stay with her mom until her dad moves back to Houston. She’s not going to leave her the way that she is, but then she does have a husband. He told her he was tired of waiting for her to come home and that he doesn’t care if she ever comes back or not…

Oh, and they have financial issues too… she never tells him how much she makes because he has a habit of buying things that aren’t necessary (ie motorcycle, boat, etc) Last year she had gotten a pretty good tax return and so she put it away in her savings, but ended up having to use the money for tuition. He went and told his family that she spent all his money… how can she spend HIS money when he doesn’t work?!

I’m not sure what to tell her. Can you guys help?

Thanks!

[AHLEENA]

He seems very unreasonable but I think he also misses her. Maybe he is using cleaning the house as an excuse? I think it is very unfair though. I think she should be allowed to decide for herself if she wants to spend time with her family or not. Also, she should really talk to him about the money thing. If she earns it, it's her's. It's not his, especially if he didn't even work for it. However, many couples share their wealth, just so you know. So he must have believed that anything she makes is his, and anything he makes is her's (even though he made nothing so far it seems?)

And I am sure he cares whether she comes back home or not. People usually say things like "I don't care about blahblahblah" because they actually care. Anyways, if he didn't care- why would he fight with her over this issue so much? He cares. It bothers him. He wants her home back with him.

And also, it is veryveryvery hard to take care of another human being. It IS unfair of her to make him take care of the baby on his own. Babies need attention and that takes up a lot of time.

I think they are both being very unfair towards one another. The responsibilities don't seem divided well. But I can see that they both care about each other a lot as well.

I don't think you need to do anything though. When she comes back home with him, I'm sure he'll be happier. But maybe they can talk about money issues and taking turns to take care of their baby?

[colloquy]

I think the fact that they're separated is a terrible thing, especially with a relatively new marriage. Can't her mom move in with them, or he can move in with them... and why does she need to be there for her?

For the last issue, if they're married, then half the money would usually be his. Just flip their roles, many women are housewives yet they usually have a say in how their husband's money is spent.

In order to fix their relationship, she also has to HELP to put a fix on her husband's spending habits. She should consult her husband on spending issues just to iron things out, not shuffle it aside.

[mpham725]

Thanks for the advice guys... oh and about him taking care of the baby while she was in school that first semester, he offered to watch the baby. They had a babysitter before, but he decided not to send her there and took care of the baby himself. She didn't mind taking care of the baby, but he wanted her to do well in school so he took it upon himself to take care of the baby.

they're living with his parents, so that's why her mom won't move in and he won't come to her mom's house cuz he doesn't like her mom.

[bonjour tristesse.]

it seems as if he actually loves her because if he didnt, he wouldnt have married her. but the guy just wants and needs attention. he just misses spending time with her

[touche`]

I would probably ask people who are married in this forum for help just because the majority of us are not married, lol.

I think they are both being very unfair towards one another. The responsibilities don't seem divided well. But I can see that they both care about each other a lot as well.

In order to fix their relationship, she also has to HELP to put a fix on her husband's spending habits. She should consult her husband on spending issues just to iron things out, not shuffle it aside.

agreed.

But then again, I would look at both perspective just because the guy, in this particular situation, "seems" to be the one at "fault." I do and don't agree because his issues are being laid out at the table without him explaining for himself. I feel like this is a "for better or for worse" time in marriages because some couples don't try to build each other but rather tear each other down with pointing fingers. Advices are nice (from this forum at times), but I would consult a marriage counselor (on the safe side) for the beginning of trouble. They would probably have to talk again and try to work this out. If not then probably marriage counselor.