[shortcakiee]

This is gonna be long since I just want to vent it all out.
If there's actually anyone reading this, thank you.

Some basic information first,

I've been going out with my boyfriend for almost 3 years.
We're in college and we're currently in a long distance relationship.... and by long I really mean LONG distance.
Our families are asian ... his being Vietnamese/Chinese and mine being Vietnamese.
And we still live with our parents.

So... basically my boyfriends mom hates me, because apparently she's racist against Vietnamese people, because she thinks they are all bad people and cheaters. But she's a hypocrite since she's half Vietnamese and her last name is even Vietnamese...

First time I met her she seemed really nice and she greeted me normally but after hanging out there for awhile she started talking to me in Chinese and as soon as my boyfriend told her that I'm not Chinese she gave me this really nasty look.

Now the thing is since we're in a long distance relationship we don't see each other often and on this spring break my boyfriend wanted to come and see me but his mom didn't let him but he lied to her and came anyways (I told him not to come at first because his mom would seriously hate me if she found out that he lied to her because of me, and he always told me to try to get on good terms with her when I meet her again and if she finds out its going to be impossible. But in the end I don't really see a way when she's being so racist, I mean if she had a problem with my personality, that would be another story. Well in the end I agreed with my boyfriend anyways because I really missed him and we haven't seen each other for like a year.) So he visited me and everything went fine and when he came back home his mom asked for his passport she looked at it and probably started to suspect something.

Well this might not have anything to do with the story but during the time he was away, his mom threw out the pictures of me and him that he had in a photo frame (wow.. made me so mad.)

Back to the story, yesterday when my boyfriend was at work his mom went through his passport and started digging through his belongings and she found his receipts/tickets and stuff from when he visited me.

She confronted him when he came home and she said she would disown him if he stayed with me, she said stuff like how Vietnamese people and Chinese people ain't supposed to be together and that I'm probably together with him because I want to come to the United States (even though everyone says my country is better and has A LOT better living standards than the US), geez I'm just Vietnamese I'm not FROM Vietnam (not saying that EVERYONE in Vietnam is like that, but truthfully most are)... I'm going to the US this summer for college and honestly I don't need my boyfriend to get there, I could come to the US for studies anytime if I wanted to.

She yelled at him for like 1 hour and he was just being silent listening to her without saying anything.
Yes, he was wrong for lying to her and I was wrong for agreeing with him but she's being way too unreasonable... or am I to be blamed?

Right now I feel really bad and I don't know why I feel sad? I really feel like crying but at the same time I'm so frustrated at her for being so unreasonable and racistic.

When I come this summer we were thinking about moving in together but now I really have to re-think, I've told my boyfriend but he says he still want to move in together. But yet he's worrying over money for college because right now the one paying for him is his mom.

I really want to move in together, but if it's gonna be complicated like this I'm not sure what to do, my boyfriend seems to get frustrated with me when I tell him that we shouldn't move in together.

I don't know what to do!
What would you do??

[Lie]

There's not a whole lot you can do, unfortunately. When someone has that much fervor about something (whether race, religion, star trek lol, etc)., it's close to impossible to change their mind. It's also unlikely that she'll change her mind about you over time. She seems incredibly adamant about this. If I were in your situation, I would ask myself this: is this the person I want to marry and potentially be with for the rest of my life? If so, try to stick it out. He (sadly enough) may have to make a choice, you or his mother.

[KOGEPANN;)]

If his mom's racist, tell him to bring a white girl home one day instead and say that's his new girlfriend,
his mom would probably get a heart attack LOL and then definetly consider you.

Ok seriously. Honestly, your boyfriend's mom, she's a prick and in this world you get a lot of closed minded, ignorant people out there. He definitely needs to sit her down and talk to her, I mean the woman's half vietnamese herself, I don't see why she should have a problem with you. Vietnamese and chinese people have a really similar culture. It's strange how she's not accepting you.
Sorry I'm not much help. but maybe when you get back to the states, you can prove her wrong that you're not using her son just to live in the US. I mean, my mom and dad would think that too, because you get a lott of people pursuing people in the states just so they can live there and then eventually run away with all your money. It's happened before, and sadly a lot of elderly, somewhat old fashioned paranoid/superstitious chinese/vietnamese people think these days.

[supa'Wanki]

She's probably had bad experiences from before with either her father or her husband. It's understandable if that's the case. You have a tough road ahead of you to show a different view of Vietnamese people.

My friend is half asian/half white, and she told me she won't date Asians. I didn't ask her why, but her parents are divorced, and I can tell she had that influence from her dad treating her wrongly. If you can change your boyfriend's mom's mind that not all vietnamese people are the same, congratulations.

[i_4got]

This may sound weird, but I think you're one lucky girl. You've found a boyfriend that, despite his mom yelling and threatening him for dating you, is still willing to stick it out for your relationship. Not only is he willing to stay together with you, but he's willing to move in with you against his mom's wishes. You've found a great guy.

Regarding the moving in situation, do you mean that you're going to move in to his parents' house? Or are the both of you going to rent somewhere away from them? Are you guys financially prepared for that? I'd say that moving in may not be the best idea if he's still financially dependent on his parents. If they go so far as to cut him off, you guys may be in deep trouble. But you guys don't have to rush to move in together. I assume that when you're in school, you'll be close enough to him that you'll get to see him frequently anyway. I'd suggest putting off the part about moving in together until you're both financially stable. And as far as his mom goes, your boyfriend hasn't let his mom's resistance to your relationship stop him from seeing you, so you shouldn't mind too much. It's a shame when a parent can't accept the person that their son or daughter loves, but it doesn't matter because what matters is the love between the two people involved.

Good luck! I wish you all the best with this guy!

[Meenuh]

Honestly, I think the best thing to do here is to drop your pride and to be as nice to her as possible. It'll take some time but i'm sure she'll come around if you two are really serious. Just make an effort into having a good relationship with his mom no matter how much she pushes you away and don't push your bf away because of his mom. He's willing to hear her nag at him without talking about and still wants to be with you. He must have a lot of patience and understanding. Sounds like a great guy.

[shortcakiee]

Thank you to everyone that actually took time to answer.

She's probably had bad experiences from before with either her father or her husband. It's understandable if that's the case. You have a tough road ahead of you to show a different view of Vietnamese people.

My friend is half asian/half white, and she told me she won't date Asians. I didn't ask her why, but her parents are divorced, and I can tell she had that influence from her dad treating her wrongly. If you can change your boyfriend's mom's mind that not all vietnamese people are the same, congratulations.

I don't know but I heard that his grandfather was a great person... So I'm not really convinced that it has something to do with her father.
And she has a sister-in-law that's Vietnamese and they get a long super, only difference between her and me is that she speaks Chinese too.

This may sound weird, but I think you're one lucky girl. You've found a boyfriend that, despite his mom yelling and threatening him for dating you, is still willing to stick it out for your relationship. Not only is he willing to stay together with you, but he's willing to move in with you against his mom's wishes. You've found a great guy.

Regarding the moving in situation, do you mean that you're going to move in to his parents' house? Or are the both of you going to rent somewhere away from them? Are you guys financially prepared for that? I'd say that moving in may not be the best idea if he's still financially dependent on his parents. If they go so far as to cut him off, you guys may be in deep trouble. But you guys don't have to rush to move in together. I assume that when you're in school, you'll be close enough to him that you'll get to see him frequently anyway. I'd suggest putting off the part about moving in together until you're both financially stable. And as far as his mom goes, your boyfriend hasn't let his mom's resistance to your relationship stop him from seeing you, so you shouldn't mind too much. It's a shame when a parent can't accept the person that their son or daughter loves, but it doesn't matter because what matters is the love between the two people involved.

Good luck! I wish you all the best with this guy!

Thank you, this really made me feel better
And I meant moving out , as in both of us renting another place to stay. We have enough money to support ourselves if we do move out. But he won't have enough money to pay for college if his mom stops paying for it. That's the problem. And he don't seem to listen when I suggest not moving in together, he's pretty stubborn about it too. I'll talk to him some more about it.

Honestly, I think the best thing to do here is to drop your pride and to be as nice to her as possible. It'll take some time but i'm sure she'll come around if you two are really serious. Just make an effort into having a good relationship with his mom no matter how much she pushes you away and don't push your bf away because of his mom. He's willing to hear her nag at him without talking about and still wants to be with you. He must have a lot of patience and understanding. Sounds like a great guy.

I guess I'll have to try for his sake, but she has to give me a chance somehow to show that I can be nice. I mean like if she won't even let me over to their house, or doesn't even want to see my face, then it would be pretty much impossible.
Thank you for reminding me about not pushing my boyfriend away, because sometimes I just want to distance myself, because everything seems to be so freaking complicated and I have no idea what to do. But I can't, I love him too much and we've been through a lot already.

[ultimoroboto]

Sorry about your situation...kinda tough. My oldest sister and her husband went through the same situation.

My family is Korean and my oldest sister immigrated with my parents to the United States. Already being very protective of their first daughter in a foreign country (they never even allowed her to sleep over at her friends houses) it didn't help that she began dating a white guy in college. There were a lot of problems because my parents didn't like the fact that he was white and when they decided to get married my parents disowned my sister. I was still really young, but my sister said she was pretty much thrown away. However, with time my parents grew to accept the fact that it was her decision to make and there was nothing they could do about it. Now my sister and my brother-in-law have two kids and my parents absolutely adore him, in fact they want me to grow up to be like him (he's been my hero since I was like 7). What did my brother-in-law do? Nothing really, it just took a lot of time. He was patient, didn't take anything personally, and went out of his way to slowly get to know my parents (even though they didn't really want to). It also helps that my parents saw that he was there for my sister when she needed him the most (shes bipolar), especially in a situation that they didn't know how to handle, but he did. Also, does your boyfriend have any siblings? Because when my parents saw that all four of their children adored this white guy they were kinda overruled lol. So try to get along with them.

p.s my youngest older sister dated Korean guys, but now shes dating a white guy (he's awesome) so now my parents love white guys! lol.


But they still tell me I have to marry a Korean girl. Half jokingly...but dead serious at the same time.

Good luck!

[Ch33s3]

And she has a sister-in-law that's Vietnamese and they get a long super, only difference between her and me is that she speaks Chinese too.

Maybe you could try learning Chinese or more stuff about the Chinese culture to show his mom that you're serious about your relationship with him and that you're really trying your best to get along with her?

Every other suggestion I can think of, people have already mentioned in this thread. But yeah, have patience.

[blahs07]

aww man that sucks but i kno how you feel!
im half chinese and half viet and the guy i had a huge crush on is viet. My mom suspected that we were together or that i liked him and she kept saying how bad vietnamese ppl are because of their bad reputation with drugs and failing marks...at least in my area. She didn't say much but it still hurt knowing that your own mom doesn't want you near someone so much because of their race. Btw he's totally different from the other ppl i've known except for his grades and lates cause he doesn't care >.<"

besides...if you guys do really get serious she'll prob have to give in and accept you since ur so important to her son

[cicisaurr___]

ahhh... well i guess you gotta find out her reasons for disliking viet ppl.
Like.. my bf is half chinese/viet and im chinese and my mom wouldnt let me date this other viet guy cause he was viet... so i asked her why and she said how he can't speak chinese. She just wants to communicate with someone who can speak the same language... and i know my current bf can't speak chinese so im kinda keeping it a secret from her for now. iunno, maybe she'll allow it cause his mom can speak chinese?
My point is, maybe there's a simple explanation and when you know why she dislikes viet ppl, prove her wrong (:

[geishafloat]

a few advice from experience.

1. do not give up, stubborness sometimes DO work. i was told (even threatened) to go back to my home country after finishing uni. But i had my dreams here and of course my bf (and fortunate enough to get a job right out of uni in the current economy) if you think he is the one, fight for it.

2. as for moving in together. if you think you cant afford living together, get a job quick and move out when you've earned enough. Earning your own money gives you freedom. You dont feel as bad rebelling againt ur parents once you'v earned your own money, it's your money, you can do whatever u want with it, especially support yourself.

3. She will eventually gives in, it's just a matter of time. He is her son afterall, no matter how much she says she'll disowe him or watever, she wouldnt bare of losing her own child. (at least that's what happened to me and my mom)

4. like some of the people above said, try getting on her good side like learning chinese etc. It will dawn on her one day that you're actually a good person. prove it!

wish you the best of luck!

[adiavoy]

Eh, I'd be mad too if my kid went to another country without telling me.. that must have ticked her off even further. But back to the point... you should confront her on why she doesn't like Vietnamese people, because she's half Vietnamese herself! She probably doesn't want her son to have a relationship with someone long distance, or because you can't speak Chinese because my parents told my older brothers to only date Vietnamese girls because then they'll be able to communicate with them too. Ah, very tough mom to deal with. The only thing I can tell you is to be VERY nice of her, maybe learn a little Chinese? and try to get her approval, it'll work sooner or later, and best of luck! Remember if you really love this guy you'll do anything to be with him?

[Song-San]

well..
what im thinking is a little crazy
but..
you can try

to talk to her mother? ..and find out why she hates you so much?
and maybe prove urself that you're not what she thinks you are
and you truly love his son and such

[onhotwires]

Well....

at least it's not personal.


If she's like this, honestly the only thing you can do is try to prove your merit and be glad that both you and your bf love each other enough to stick through this.

My sister dealt w/ this problem. My parents still don't 100% accept him, but they are nicer to him.

[mekka]

With me I do not have the patience or tolerance to educate idiots. Let then stew in their racist behavior, why, because I am better than that person, never stoop to peoples level, so what you fell in love! Do not incorporate her in your life because she will never change a "racist will never change their spots".

People of their calebre should know respect goes both ways, if you cannot respect my heritage/nationality you are not deserving. I can relate, I befriended a person many years ago, but because I was biracial I was not worthy to be this girl's friend, their family was poor and low class and scummy as they come but the Mum had her pride, to make this short many years later she needed my help and begged, I looked at her straight in her face and said I still have my pride.

[soominie]

Since this is a serious relationship you're in and who knows, you might end up marrrying your boyfriend one day, why don't you try meeting with your boyfriend's mom? You should show her your personality, which is what she should actually be judging you by, and explain to her how important you think it is for her to accept you. :) Best of luck with this situation, be strong!