[faerie87]

situation:
so my bf of 8 months just told me he might leaving to china from august - dec/jan for a language program (reading and writing, he is fluent in speaking)
we have a good, relatively stress-free relationship.
however, while i think i trust him (i have trust issues, have been cheated on before)
i know china is a haven for pretty girls, and he's gotten a bunch of girls in china before (dated, hung out, flirted) he got with me.

the thing is, i only have ONE YEAR after december to stay in the US. i am from hong kong. and it's unlikely we'll stay together since he's already gone to china, he won't be going to china again anytime soon after that. chances of me getting a work visa in the US is very slim. and honestly, i think i want to go back to hk, since my family and friends are there.


my future:
also i personally want to get married at 26. i am turning 22 soon. and i feel like i will be wasting my time with him if there's no way we'll end up together.
i also don't think he wants to marry before he's 30 (he's turning 23)

my thoughts and his:
also i feel like, if he really really loved me, he would wait, and not go yet, given our limited time together. however, it is something he's wanted to do, he loves china, and he feels this is his only opportunity to go. since he just graduated, his job search hasn't been going too well, so instead of wasting time, he wants to study to read/write chinese, because ideally he wants to do business in china in the future. but he needs to perfect his reading/writing before pursuing that.

a part of me tells me i should wait, and the other part of me tells me there's no point.
while i do have really strong feelings, love? and we are really compatible, and we have been there for each other...i've never connected with a guy so well before.
i don't know if i should wait, or if i can trust him.


his reaction telling me:
he kept tearing while he was telling me. i was sad, but i actually didn't cry.
while i do like him a LOT. i don't know if i can handle it. long distance and all. and i am a firm believer of "many more fish in the sea"
he thinks we could work out, that he will be loyal, and that i shouldn't think too far ahead (i told him, if he leaves now, it's unlikely we'll stay together since i have to leave a year later)


so do you think i should:

take a break
break up
wait for him

please consider all points in this post before giving advice. i know a couple months isn't very long. but it's 1/3 of the time we have together, and my biological clock is ticking! =p

also what should i tell him? i already told him i don't think we'd stay together if he went. was that too insensitive? in a way i'm upset and even mad he would just leave me. but i know it's something he wants to do. but i just don't think he can have me AND leave me at the same time.
also his parents are against it, but he's persuaded them.


thanks

[KanyeWEST]

JUST BREAK UP IT IS THE EASIEST.

[Champagne*kisses]

I'm actually in sort of the same situation as you...my bf is also away for language program in China currently and I know he won't be staying there permanently, but it may happen he will be there for years if he decides to go for his masters program there :\ of course I was upset in hearing this but I am not gonna be selfish about it this is something he wants to do and I support him.

Well of course there are times when I feel insecure and worry, but he really hasn't given me any reason to not trust him, and I know he deeply cares for me and I feel the same way and I dunno if we will last but hey that is the point in staying in the relationship and finding out?. My biological clock is ticking too lol and I wondered if I was wasting my time as well, but I really thought about it and to me I think it is worth staying with him because I do love him and I just don't want to hurry up and be with anyone just to have kids ya know?

well lol that was my personal decision, dunno if that was much help and my thoughts are sort of all over the place but, if you really care for eachother and you guys are really patient why not give the long distance a try?

[faerie87]

I'm actually in sort of the same situation as you...my bf is also away for language program in China currently and I know he won't be staying there permanently, but it may happen he will be there for years if he decides to go for his masters program there :\ of course I was upset in hearing this but I am not gonna be selfish about it this is something he wants to do and I support him.

Well of course there are times when I feel insecure and worry, but he really hasn't given me any reason to not trust him, and I know he deeply cares for me and I feel the same way and I dunno if we will last but hey that is the point in staying in the relationship and finding out?. My biological clock is ticking too lol and I wondered if I was wasting my time as well, but I really thought about it and to me I think it is worth staying with him because I do love him and I just don't want to hurry up and be with anyone just to have kids ya know?

well lol that was my personal decision, dunno if that was much help and my thoughts are sort of all over the place but, if you really care for eachother and you guys are really patient why not give the long distance a try?

yah i agree. but there are many many ppl are willing to get married way later. or are flexible with it. but i really want to marry at 26ish, have kids before 30, and have a gap between mariage and having kids.

also if i stay with him, the timeline is probably going to be:
him leave aug-dec 09
together dec 09-10
i go back to hk 2011
he won't go to china until 2013?

by then i'll be 28. and really, is it worth waiting and so much long distance? and really, would we get married after 2 years of long distance?
that's gonna lag even more.

sigh, i know you can't really plan these things in advance...but i dunno =/ i feel like if you work hard towards it, it could really happen!

[nghister]

you can't expect him to put away his future and career track for an 8 months relationship. You mention liking him a lot, and I'm sure he does to, but he has to worry about securing his future first before he can have the means to take care of a family or marry/settle down, etc. You mention him not finding a job and you want him to just sit around for another 7 months to keep you company while he does nothing? I don't think it's selfish of him to want to study abroad (especially when he still wants to work thinks out with you) anymore than you asking him to just sit around and delaying his own studies and career.

Just break up if you can't compromise. It seems like you will be ok with a break up, so just do it and let him go study in China in peace. You can go and find a future husband in HK when you get back home.

[The Pink Panda]

This sounds like my life. I think you should wait, one semester is really not a very long time; if he managed to not stray then it could strengthen your relationship and allow you to get a better picture of what you want for your future. Good luck.

[faerie87]

well a semester isn't very long, that's true, but out of 1.5 years, it's 1/3 of the time we have together. if i were to stay in the US, and he's gonna come back after a semester, and that's that, that'd be fine. but since i only have a year to stay, and he's probably not going to come, i don't know.

and honestly, how would i know if he strayed or not? men in china are notorious for straying. everyone gets a second wife, a mistress, etc etc. i just don't trust that, and nor would i ever find out if he decides not to tell me!

you can't expect him to put away his future and career track for an 8 months relationship. You mention liking him a lot, and I'm sure he does to, but he has to worry about securing his future first before he can have the means to take care of a family or marry/settle down, etc. You mention him not finding a job and you want him to just sit around for another 7 months to keep you company while he does nothing? I don't think it's selfish of him to want to study abroad (especially when he still wants to work thinks out with you) anymore than you asking him to just sit around and delaying his own studies and career.

Just break up if you can't compromise. It seems like you will be ok with a break up, so just do it and let him go study in China in peace. You can go and find a future husband in HK when you get back home.

actually, he has a job now, but it's not really what he wants to do. it's not the best job he can get cause of the economy. he can find a job, just not a great one. in my opinion, i feel like he can learn chinese later, right before he goes to china or something. and since his family is against it too. but yah, i know it's his future he's thinking about, i didn't tell him to not go. i told him to go since that's what he wanted to do.

however, honestly, i just feel that, learning/reading chinese, he's chinese, why does he have to take the language program. if he really put his heart to it, he probably can do it at home. his parents, family all read/write chinese. he's fluent in speaking too.

if it weren't for the bad economy, he wouldn't have gotten the chance to study abroad. he has a lot of student loans to pay off as well, so he's delaying that. in general, his parents aren't happy with him delaying work either and were against him going abroad.

it's not about compromising at this point. because, if anything he's not compromising the situation. if anything, i've tried to delay my studies here just to extend my student visa to stay here longer too. and if anything, i could've just left to go back to hong kong after this may. not having to bother with the horrible economy here, rent to pay.

he is one of the main reasons i'm staying. aside from getting some work experience here and just some experiences living abroad after graduating, i'd much rather go back to hong kong cause my family and friends are there.

in general, i'm just trying to see if it's worth it to wait. if we're not going to stay together in the end, because of timing and distance, i don't think it's worth staying together.

[nghister]

well a semester isn't very long, that's true, but out of 1.5 years, it's 1/3 of the time we have together. if i were to stay in the US, and he's gonna come back after a semester, and that's that, that'd be fine. but since i only have a year to stay, and he's probably not going to come, i don't know.

and honestly, how would i know if he strayed or not? men in china are notorious for straying. everyone gets a second wife, a mistress, etc etc. i just don't trust that, and nor would i ever find out if he decides not to tell me!




actually, he has a job now, but it's not really what he wants to do. it's not the best job he can get cause of the economy. he can find a job, just not a great one. in my opinion, i feel like he can learn chinese later, right before he goes to china or something. and since his family is against it too. but yah, i know it's his future he's thinking about, i didn't tell him to not go. i told him to go since that's what he wanted to do.

however, honestly, i just feel that, learning/reading chinese, he's chinese, why does he have to take the language program. if he really put his heart to it, he probably can do it at home. his parents, family all read/write chinese. he's fluent in speaking too.

if it weren't for the bad economy, he wouldn't have gotten the chance to study abroad. he has a lot of student loans to pay off as well, so he's delaying that. in general, his parents aren't happy with him delaying work either and were against him going abroad.

it's not about compromising at this point. because, if anything he's not compromising the situation. if anything, i've tried to delay my studies here just to extend my student visa to stay here longer too. and if anything, i could've just left to go back to hong kong after this may. not having to bother with the horrible economy here, rent to pay.

he is one of the main reasons i'm staying. aside from getting some work experience here and just some experiences living abroad after graduating, i'd much rather go back to hong kong cause my family and friends are there.

in general, i'm just trying to see if it's worth it to wait. if we're not going to stay together in the end, because of timing and distance, i don't think it's worth staying together.

Well, if he is intent on going, then just let him and take things casually. I think now is the time to focus on your own path and put your relationship on the back burner. You can see how the long distance thing works out, and if it doesn't, then it's ok since you will go home by next year and can meet lots of guys then to start anew. Wait, but don't invest more emotions into this relationship until you see a clear road ahead?

[hannieoon]

Hmmm... I would say break up with him.

There's a couple of factors::
- You're probably not going to come back to the US
- You only have a year.
- You feel like you have strong feelings but don't want to waste your time because you want to get married
in four years time.

The last one should be a red flag. I was with a guy and always thought about breaking up with him because I didn't want to waste my time. I felt that I had a strong connection with him and always thought... what if I break up with him an regret it?

Well... I broke up with him because I was going to New York and turns out that I didn't like him as much as I thought and got over him fairly quickly (we dated for about 6 months).

And from what it sounds like, it seems like you're probably going to find a guy in HK to marry. And it seems like you're set on staying in HK. Unless he wants to follow you to HK.. it's pretty much a done deal.

[Lie]

Ughhh. No offense to you, but women are so annoyingly practical sometimes. What happened to taking a chance on love? Believing in the unlikely because the person is worth taking a leap of faith for? It's like, these days if a relationship doesn't seem convenient, or the person doesn't match super-specific (arbitrary) criteria, people are ready to cash in all their chips and just give up on it.

[faerie87]

Ughhh. No offense to you, but women are so annoyingly practical sometimes. What happened to taking a chance on love? Believing in the unlikely because the person is worth taking a leap of faith for? It's like, these days if a relationship doesn't seem convenient, or the person doesn't match super-specific (arbitrary) criteria, people are ready to cash in all their chips and just give up on it.

because you are living in a little fantasy world if you do not take into account practicality and realism.

it's like dreaming big, while you can dream big, you gotta have a plan.
quotes like nothing is impossible, love conquers all, may have some truth to it, has a whole lot more behind it than just that (eg. hard work, feasibility, luck)

i personally don't believe in long distance relationships without a course of action. i never understood people who got into a long distance relationship, within months of being together, with no plans for the future, nothing to look forward to.

you can't just born into this world and say, i want to be the president and expect to be one. you gotta weigh out feasibility. work hard for it, work towards it, do a lot of things before it, etc.



life is too short, we're in our prime age, to be spending our lives on something that will come to nothing. (to me, a relationship is ultimately to get married, while you learn a lot in each relationship, and i have too, and each one you have is closer to finding your true love, if there's no future, then i don't think i should waste the time)

but yeh. i'm still unsure.

and to the part about how i actually don't like him as much as i thought i did, well, i do like him a lot. love even. but i just wasted 2 years on a relationship, not too long ago, that had no future, because of pure feelings and lack of reasoning, i'm done with wasting my time. i also have stronger feelings to my current one than my past one, and think we are more compatible, and what not.

to me, i feel like i've hit the point where i can't. i do not want to be 30s and single and dating around like sex and the city. that might be the lifestyle some people want, but i don't want that.

but yeh. i guess i'll talk to him more. cause my course of action is more dependent on our future rather than my feelings now.

basically it depends. some people think there's only one person out there for you, i don't believe that. i believe there are many, and while not everyone is right for you, there's a good number. timing, luck and all that plays a large part in love too.



ALTHOUGH i do ideally want to raise a family in the US....
and my bf does plan to go to china to work.
so there's some feasibility. but how much is still unsure.

but thanks for everyone's response so far. i just received the news last night and am still rather dazed and confused about it. with graduation coming up, and everything T_T

[colloquy]

If you want to marry at 25, and he wants to marry at 30 minimum, then I'd say then that's probably another big issue for you.

As regarding your boyfriend going to study in China, I second what nghister said.

[LUVSSOURCREAM]

you've calculated all of this out and have plans for your future. i would say at the same time of not knowing what your future might be while still being attached with him (being away in china and all) you are also holding yourself back. it is safe to say you like him.......a LOT. you genuinely care for him but you're not sure if the both of you will end up together. If you guys are up for it, have an open relationship. keep in touch but no commitment.

[faerie87]

If you want to marry at 25, and he wants to marry at 30 minimum, then I'd say then that's probably another big issue for you.

As regarding your boyfriend going to study in China, I second what nghister said.

yeh, i thought about it too. but for our 1 year, he won't even be here to celebrate it. and if we break up, i want it in person =/

i think i personally feel that it's best to take a break, and if we get back together, it's meant to be. yeh, kinda what luvssourcream said.

do people believe that? that you should let go, and if they come back, they're yours kinda quote.

also i'm his first long term/real relationship. he might wanna explore beforehand anyways =/

[Lie]

because you are living in a little fantasy world if you do not take into account practicality and realism.

it's like dreaming big, while you can dream big, you gotta have a plan.
quotes like nothing is impossible, love conquers all, may have some truth to it, has a whole lot more behind it than just that (eg. hard work, feasibility, luck)

i personally don't believe in long distance relationships without a course of action. i never understood people who got into a long distance relationship, within months of being together, with no plans for the future, nothing to look forward to.

you can't just born into this world and say, i want to be the president and expect to be one. you gotta weigh out feasibility. work hard for it, work towards it, do a lot of things before it, etc.

The Presidential analogy is viable for the lead up to the relationship (i.e. it's not enough to want to be in a wonderful relationship, you have to take steps to make it happen), but once you're in the relationship it doesn't take practicality or realism to maintain the relationship (though they're helpful), it just takes the desire for both parties to stay in the relationship. In my opinion that's a lot of the problem logistical people have in relationships. They map too much. They over-analyze instead of just going with their gut. Not to say that idealistic people don't have problems of their own. But most guys would find your time-table problematic. It makes it seem like reaching those goals are more important than the guy himself.

[GloomyPookie]

You have planned out that you want to get married at 26...

So, you'll be about 23/24 when you go back to Hong Kong. Then you will have to find a guy there who you love truly enough to marry. And you will find mr. Right in about 2 years? Who knows you will... Maybe you do. But is 2 years enough to know really know/love a person to get married? Just to get married...

What if, when you have returned to HK, you haven't found mr. Right when you are 26? Then you might have let a great guy go a couple of years back...
The future is so unsure, you can't plan it. Perhaps your current boyfriend might change his mind about marriage and want to marry at a younger age than 30, in the future. Who knows.

Bottom line: you can't plan everything.

[plegend2007]

I think, deep inside, you've already made up your mind on this issue regardless of the reasons for or against.

You're in a situation, and in your mind....DAMNED IF I DO AND DAMNED IF I DON'T...kind of a scenario.

Many may not agree with your reasoning, but you're old enough to know or make your own decision on what you want or don't want in a relationship.

Although, I see your reasoning as being too calculated, but at the same time, I can totally relate to all your worries and needs. Selfish or not, it's your life, and in the end, you have to ultimately live and accept your decision at hand.

[dramaprincessxox]

He is not serious. If he really cared about staying with you, there's no reason why he can't wait, or learn his Chinese right where he is right now. There are many lessons even online, if he needs to practice Chinese reading and writing. He's probably trying to separate himself from you, I just don't see it any other way. It's ridiculous. He's not even leaving because of something urgent.

He is clearly not going to keep himself back from achieving what he wants, for you, so why should you keep yourself back for him? Right now his dreams/goals mean more to him than the relationship, so don't throw away your goals for someone who's not wholeheartedly into you.

Well, personally, I would leave him. Immediately. Life is too short to waste with a man who isn't serious about the relationship. The time you're wasting with him now could be spent with someone better.

[naoto]

And from what it sounds like, it seems like you're probably going to find a guy in HK to marry. And it seems like you're set on staying in HK. Unless he wants to follow you to HK.. it's pretty much a done deal.

She would have to marry him for him to live in HK If I read this correctly he's from China? He does not have the legal right to live in Hong Kong, or work there without a visa, or study there without a visa. So if that's what he wants cool.

[MNLV27]

I understand where you're coming from. I want to be married in my mid twenties too and have at least a kid in my late twenties.

I think that you should break up with him, if he doesn't want to get married anytime soon then there's a possibility that he's not for sure that he can see himself with you in the future. Even if he does agree that you two will get married when your 26, there's always a chance that at that time he'll rethink about it and say he's not ready and that means, you've just wasted your time on him when you could of found another guy that is on the same page as you on marriage and starting a family.

As for him going to China, I think that if it's something that he's really passionate about then you should support him. Is there any other chance that he can go to China when you have to go back? That way you guys can spend time together now and when you leave too.

At the end of the day, it's really up to you. There's always a chance that he'll change his mind and want to be married with you soon but there's always a chance that he's just not ready. Everything's always a 50/50, so it's up to you what you want to do.