[shikilove]

Sometimes I really wonder, why is it when two people who loves each other so much, ends up breaking up and growing apart?

Takumi & I loved each other very much that we were practically soulmates. We knew each other too well, and we could read each other's minds. We were not only lovers, but also best friends.

I was not his first love, but his second, but I knew, just how much he had loved me and how much I love him, even up until now, after five years.

It's funny how I was the one who asked for the break up and yet, I am the one still missing him and loving him.

We've been through so much together for a year and a half and I can never escape from the fact that I regret a lot for not taking his hand when he begged for a second chance.

Let me tell you our story, our love story, and our heartbreaking story. I just want a place to pour out my feelings because I know, he will never understand eventhough he has already forgiven me. I just want to say these words that I never got to say to him.

Takumi was a player, or so everyone else had said. Yes, he has never denied it and he even played me out when I first confessed to him that I liked him.

We only lasted for two weeks before he broke up with me. Do not that this was a rash decision. I ddn't know him well, he didn't know me well.

The Reason : I promised him to keep our relationship a secret, but I told my best friend, so he broke up with me.

Yes, at first I managed to keep our relationship a secret, for a week or so, but my best friend was getting suspicious, and I didn't want to lose her, so I told her, and I told Takumi too. He was dissappointed and he broke up with me.

Since we were in the same crew of dancers, we would meet up every weekend and it was pretty awkward for me and him. I wasn't over him so I've been giving him the cold shoulder for quite sometime and he complained to my best friend.

At that time, I was so blinded by the rumors saying that he was a player and I wanted to show him that I didn't need him. I remember telling him that I haven't had my first kiss, and he wanted that from me.

In two weeks time, I got myself another boyfriend and just when I thought I was going to get over Takumi, he started acting weird towards me. He started sending me texts saying that I moved on pretty quickly, and he said that he has doubts on my feelings towards him. I was so hurt that I told him, he will never be my frst kiss because my first kiss was already stolen by my current boyfriend just to get back at him.

He started to become very moody and he lost his concerntration towards dancing. At that time, I didn't know it was his way of showing his feelings. I didn't know I affected him that much. I thought it was just another one of his acts to lure me into his trap, again.

When things didn't work out between me and Brian, my current bf at that moment, we broke up, and things between me and Takumi got better. We became closer than before, and I got to see a side of him that I never saw. I started to understand his ways and his words, and I began to understand him like no other could.

I fell in love once again with the player that broke my heart once.

Everything was complicated, and I didn't know I was in a relationship with Takumi until he made it officially clear to me after 1 year of kissing me, flirting with me, and yes eventually we slept together. He thought I knew we were in a relationship.

Now you guys must be wondering how come I do not know that we were in a relationship even though we do what normal couples do right?

Because we do everything in secret. No one can know and I have always questioned him, WHY? But he could never tell me the answer. If you were me, how would you feel? And yet, I still keep holding on, because I love him very much.

And he never said he loves me even when I say it to him everynight, not until a year has gone by that is, then he started saying he loves me, and I felt it. I was happy.

Every moment spent with him, is a moment I treasure. A moment I would never want to forget and a moment I will keep no matter how hard it it.

But I still didn't understand why we had to keep our relationship a secret. At least give me a reason.

I never knew it would cost my relationship, just to learn of his reason. If I had known, I would never ask.

All the while, he was protecting me, protecting us, from people who would tear us apart if they knew we were together.

True enough.

I had a friend, who calls me a dog right up to this day, just because the guy that HE loves, loves me instead of him.

Yes, this friend of ours went to an extent of calling me horrid names and I couldn't believe I used to trust him so much.

But I only learnt all that after I broke up with Takumi.

He begged, and cried and tried to make me understand but I couldn't help but feel like I was nobody in his life.

It's only after everything that I realized how much he had loved me.

Everything is already too late, but I still love him.

It doesn't matter if he has moved on, or has a new girl friend, or has erased me from his life. It really doesn't matter, because I have already set him free. I've let him go, and I'm only holding on to my feelings.

I'm back to when I first had a one sided love for him. I'm back to square one, but I'm happy, because I've been loved by him before. I had been in his arms before and I knew just how it feels to be with him.

It was only with him that I knew how to cry tears of joy, tears of grief, and it was only with him that I could feel the pain twice as much when he is hurting.

My friends and people around him may not like him and his personality but that's because they can never understand him.

I love him very much and I hope he is happy and well taken care of wherever he is.

Takumi, if you ever see this post, *which I doubt you will*.

I'm sorry for the words I've said to you, I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry, I'm sorry for the hurt I put you through, and I'm sorry for letting go of your hand when you needed me the most.

If only you could look at me now, maybe you will understand. That when I let you go, I was fighting to hold myself back. I fought to stand strong, and I fought not to cry.

And ever since that day, I had never once stopped loving you. I've tried. I've tried so hard, I've dated other people, but could never ever feel the way I feel when I'm with you. When you were mine, and I was yours.

Just promise me you'll be happy, then I know my tears won't be in vain.

I will love you, for as long as I live...

-Rae-

PS : Takumi and I are still best of friends but we seldom keep in touch nowadays since he is busy with his studies. He is moving on, and I am too, I just needed to let it all out, and I thank those wo takes their time to read this. It's actually almost six years now and I havent seen him in a very long time. I just hope he is fine out there.

[KanyeWEST]

madd over dramatic. why was he keeping the relationship a secret? because he was embarrassed by you.

[shikilove]

No, that wasn't his reason. I stated the reason in my first post. Saying it was because there were people who will tear us apart once they know about us. I never knew those people were my own so-called friends. He knew, but he never told me.

[Rekidai]

it was sad how you two broke up, i hope he reads this and still loves you if it was meant to be its meant to be!

[anjerlaninja]

Aww, I read all of it and I think that's sad =/ But at least you guys are still friends?

[KanyeWEST]

No, that wasn't his reason. I stated the reason in my first post. Saying it was because there were people who will tear us apart once they know about us. I never knew those people were my own so-called friends. He knew, but he never told me.

yeah um thats a lie. he was embarrassed by you. sorry that you cant understand that.

[Onizuka]

I can say that this Takumi guy is almost like me.
Nobody seems to understand me. and I like to keep things secret as well.

its just that I'm not like Takumi who has found someone who really loves him.

[shikilove]

rekidai : yeah, I would say that too for now. Thanks! <3

anjerlaninja : Yeap, we still are. like how we used to be before we got together.

kanye west : If that's what you say, then thank you for letting me know. It doesnt matter now.

Onizuka : I have met a few more people quite like him and I feel like, i understand these type of guys, guys like you. It's not a bad thing, really. It's just the way you are. Don't worry, you will be able to find somebody who loves you. It's only a matter of time.

Thanks guys!

[Lie]

madd over dramatic. why was he keeping the relationship a secret? because he was embarrassed by you.

If he really was a player, it's more likely that his reason for keeping it a secret was that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too (i.e. wanted to keep his relationship with her on the down-low so he could continue messing with other girls--pretty common player tactic).

[shikilove]

If he really was a player, it's more likely that his reason for keeping it a secret was that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too (i.e. wanted to keep his relationship with her on the down-low so he could continue messing with other girls--pretty common player tactic).

I thought of that too at first. But he's really not like that. It's very hard to explain but he wasn't a player. It's just what people say about him due to his good looks.

[TVXQ_superjunior]

>.<" I hopes he reads this...
Wow! After 6years and you're still loving him...
But it's kind of sad learning that you've broken up but still loving him...
KYA! hope the two of you get back together or patch things up again...

[milkystar]

i still don't understand why he would let his friends break you guys up. o.o;

but this is such a sad and touching story. I truly saw the love you had for him.

[shikilove]

Just for you guys's info, I just finished chatting with Takumi through MSN. T.T hahaha. It hurts. because it has been awhile..and he called me a pabo. =.=

tvxq_superjunior : lol, first of all, I love your username. It rocks. Yeah, it's sad, no denying. he is my first love after all. It just, u know, didn't work out. Getting back together? that is quite impossible. For now, I just want to be there for him. Like how i used to be there for him.

milkystar : hey you, your name sounds familiar. Hehe. it's not just his friend. it's 'our' friend. You see, this friend of ours, is gay, and he likes Takumi eventhough he denies it and acts cool about it. It's so clear to see. And he kept pushing me about my relationship with takumi. When he found out that Takumi and I are together, he immediately went all bi.tch on me. Serious. And after that, he started trying to lure my other friends in his little hate ceremony.

[TVXQ_superjunior]

shikilove
you're still there for him, right? being friends and all...
never say impossible... Like Nike, Nothing is Impossible
But it's great that you have someone to love...
Actually you dont have to feel that bad
because you and him at least have a once upon a time
It's better than regretting not being with him from the start ^^
cheer up, girl!

Haha... being pabo isn't that bad right? it can be jokingly...
Unless you tell him about your feelings and he calls you a pabo then that's different... >.<" *i hope this isn't it*

If you dont get to be with Takumi, I hope you find another guy who loves you equally much as you do to him...