[HikariJung]

So right now I'm in japan but next week i'll be in america.
I've known for like a year that I was leaving thailand and everything but i was still kinda hoping that something would happen and that we didn't have to move. I wouldn't be that sad if my mom was coming with me and my uncle. But I'm leaving with my dad.
When I was at the airport, I didn't cry or anything but my mom was crying and my friend. But at that time I didn't feel anything I was still smiling and happy and all that. But then I went into the gate and the immediately I started crying ( I think I can't cry in front of people I know, because people expect me to be strong and because i always have to be happy for everyone because everyone says that if i'm sad then everyone's sad) and then I cried for the whole flight to japan which was six hours. When I got off the plane I felt very empty.... like I don't know how to explain it but it was like I was even there like it was a dream or something. Then I went to the hotel and went to dinner with my dad. And no matter what I was talking about I couldn't stop crying. I tried calming down and called my mom and when she picked up, I just burst in tears and things like that.

But then today, when I woke up I felt better and then I could talk about the things I said yesterday without crying but then after an hour all of a sudden I started crying again. And everytime I cry it feels like my heart's gonna pop out and I can't breath and if I see something that says Bangkok or Thai or something like that I start panicking and I can't breath. Or if I'm really really hungry I suddenly lose my appetite or something like that. I hardly eat anything now because I feel like throwing up when I do.
Then I found out that I had my period..... so is it because i'm weird or is it because it's the time of the month because I've never felt like this before. Because if it was about my period then after it ends I'll be fine right? but if it isn't then I'm scared.

And my moods keep changing, like sometimes I feel like one year is so short and before I know it I'll see my mom again and everything will be fine but sometimes I feel like one year's so long and I can't survive and I feel really depressed.

Also another question.....the kids who go on scholarships to different countries.....how do you cope? I mean what do you do to not feel sad or miss your friends and parents, because all my friends who went all seemed happy. They don't seem sad at all but I'm going with my dad and I've never been sadder. going with my dad seems worst than going without anyone......he almost left me at the airport in thailand. I have 2 passports a thai one and a american one, and he was gave me the thai one to go in with and kept the american one. Then when I couldn't get in with the thai one (no visa) i couldn't call him because he didn't have a phone and he wasn't waiting for me on the other side (WTF?!) and it turns out.....he actually boarded the plane without me.....I almost didn't make it. and he did the exact same thing with me in Japan.....he went to the luggage place without me....kinda like I wasn't even there. And he still can't understand how a 15 year old girl who has never been on a plane (except for when I was like.....2) wouldn't know what's what and stuff like that. Or how a girl who's never been to japan can get lost in tokyo if her supposed-to-be-parent leaves her at a coffee shop all of a sudden.

sorry for long post

[koezane]

awww.. you poor thing.. its sad to be away from your mum and then new country and family so far apart and then your dad doesn't seem to care

well if you ever need a shoulder to rest on just come over to forums.. gee i wish i had your strength, knowing me i wouldnt have made it to that aircraft. hoepfully you will enjoy this new adventure for your life and find friends here to help you thruogh the hard times ><

(15 years old is a hard time to change country and family circumstances... but its better than changing later i think...)