[septembre]

Warning: 1. So this will be a kinda long story. 2. My English grammer isnt very good...

So our schoolclass went to Spain for a schooltrip. I was in a room with my best friend, during this time she always told me that she wants to enjoy the nightlife in Spain, she wants to dance as she can. But unfortunaly, Im someone who wasnt born with the sense for dancing, my moves are just like a robot. Also, i really dont like those places and hardly visit clubs. But she wanted my by her side, so I went with her and some other friends to some clubs.

I was in panic that I would ruin the night for her because I just cant dance and I dont wanted to sit at the corner and looking at them. Also, my best friend really hates people who doesnt dare to do anything. So I drunk (for me) very much alcohol to become more relax (somewhere I heard this, but I didnt really feel better). Soon it was too much, I was dizzy and drunken. In this situation no Taxi wanted to take us, it was very embarrassing for my friends, but they staid and took care of me. I will never forget this feeling.

The day after this incident, all of my friends exclude my best were making fun of me because I cant drink much alcohol. I was quite hurt, but I took it easy. But after all they decide to visit the club a second time, and I told my best friend that I didnt want to come with them. But she said I have to be more open and relax, and I thought, yes, maybe this time I can do it.
But BIG BIG mistake. They told me that I shouldnt drink any alcohol at all, but I thought that I know I far I can go after that night.

So I was there, I tried to dance, then I sit in the corner and ordered some non-alcoholic to drink. My dancing was reallly horrible, so i decided to stay at the corner. After a while I ordered some alcohol to drink, and the situation went bad. My friends run to me and told me that I shouldnt drink any alcohol because its very embrassing when Im drunk. I told them one drink should be ok, I just wanted to have some fun too. We went outside the club, and started arguing. They said that they dont want to be babysitters, they cant always take care of me, I shouldnt act like a baby. All I was thinking was "WTH, i only ordered one drink" and I told them that I really dont enjoy the trip at all, I hate clubbing etc. My best friend cried and told me, that she never want to went out with me again and that I destroyed her dream of schooltrip. To be honest, at this time I really didnt understand why they where all blaming at me just because of the one drink, but it felt so bad. I think if I just said that I was fault, I shouldnt buy the drink, it wouldnt be that bad. But I didnt do this, because I really didnt understand what I have done wrong.

So back at home, my best called the other friends and told them that she cant live with someone like me in a room anymore. She said that Im crazy (infront of me). I always have seen a sister in my best friend, we never ever argued about anything before. I was really shocked that she was so cruel to me, so I went to the kitchen and took the knife and tried to cut me off.

But, to cut herself off isnt that easy as it seems in the movies, there wasnt that much blood, but I can even see the narbs today. So my friend found me with the knife. Tooked the knife off, called the others and told them that I totally went crazy now, called our teacher and told them that I wanted to kill myself, that they should took me to the hospital etc. The teachers came, the wound wasnt that bad, so they told me to sleep and see how it is tomorrow.

When I woke up tomorrow, it was just another nightmare. My best friend told me I shouldnt touch her and shouldnt talk with her, that I need to visit a therapist and that Im crazy. I cried and told her that I would change myself and that she means very much to me. But she left my byaside and told me that she cant stay in a room with me. Soon a teacher pick me up and told me that my friend will move out and stay by some other friends. The teacher told me that I should give them some time, because it was also a shock for them. So I decided to leave Spain 3 days before the school planned. The teachers respected my desicion and so I've come back and visited a therapist.

I take a break of one week after I started to visit school again. My teacher called me everyday and told me that I shouldnt be afraid, that they will act like nothing have happend. So after I while I went to school. My best friend moved to another desk, I was sitting there alone. Some friends talk to me about some school stuffs, but nothing else. It was a really bad feeling that Im like a stranger now. Just before two weeks I belonged to the clique, and now I was just the stranger sitting beneath them. They all told me that I must give them more time. So I did this, I left them alone. I didnt even visited school anymore, because I just couldnt see how they were still good friends and I was left behind. It hurted that much.

So in Juli, nobody contacted me. I've write an email to my best friend, she didnt answered. After a while I found out that they all delete me from MSN and Facebook, when I saw this today I was shocked. They told me that I should give them more time, give them more space, and then they all just delete me from their friendlist?

I feel so betrayed, because they meant very much to me, but I suppose that I wasnt that important for them like they are/where for me. I know that I did something wrong, and I really took care of their emotions, they told me they need more time and space alone, I gave it to them even thought I really needed someone in this situation. I visited the therapist every week, because I really wanted to change for them. I really feel pissed up now...

So I wanted to ask:
its ok that I feel betrayed? Or should I understand the decision of my friends? (I didnt contacted them, can this be an excuse that they have delete me)

Im now very afraid to visit school again, Im thinking to change school. My whole class is splitted into cliques, now I'm like an outsider now.

[fredinsac]

Not to put you down or anything but you are mad crazy. Cutting yourself because you and your friend argued? I say that you need to grow up and mature a little bit more. I agree that your friends shouldn't have taken you out but you knew your alcohol tolerance level. What if you got drunk and no one was able to take care of you. You coulda been raped or worse. A night of fun is not worth a lifetime of suffering. Also about your friends, I think you need to make friends again but slowly. Very slowly.

[SayurixPark]

i'm really sorry that this happened to you.

i can understand why you're friends would delete you from msn and facebook and why your friend didn't want to be in the same room as you; the fact that you took a knife and cut yourself based on the arguement you had with your friends was such an overreaction. There was no need to harm yourself in that way.

With alcohol, you NEED TO KNOW YOUR LIMITS.
anything can happen to you when you're in a drunk state. Plus, you were in a totally different environment that is unfamilliar, so things can go differently than you expected. You have to be mature about the decisions you make.

I rate you for taking the time to leave 3days before the schedule leave of spain and going to the therapist. That does take guts to do what you did.

I don't think you're friends will come back to you; it looks like they've already made there decision and by them saying that they need more time, i think, is just a way to end their relationship with softly.

you do need to start making new friends slowly, it will be hard and your self esteem will probably have been shattered by this incident but start of slowly.
Talk to your teachers for some support and advice on what to do.

It takes time but hopefully you've learnt alot from this.

Good luck

[j.a*star]

I think it's a bit harsh for ur friends to blame u for the trip they didn't enjoy but u shouldn't have gotten a knife. By the way, you have some pretty crappy friends. For someone who is having some emotional stress you would think your friends would be there to help you instead of avoid you.

[septembre]

Yes I have to admit, I was too stressed and really overreacted at this times. And this is one of my real problems, I often overreact because I hardly ever argue with someone.

I often dream that everything is like the time before the trip. But at the end of my dream my best friend will tell me "Hey time to wake up, its only a dream" and I wake up and realize that noone is there.

Like SayurixPark said, I also think that they wont come back anymore. Before today I always hoped that anything is gonna be alright because the time will fade away the scars, but today I realised, they are gone. I really do miss them a lot, but I cant return time.

I think I need some time to let them go and start from new on. I will remember the good times and laughs they have bring to me. But its so hard to find new friends, because I really thought we would be friends for life, and I was the one who ruined the relationship.

Lol maybe Im really crazy. I always had a low self esteem, but the scar on my arm always remember me that death really isnt a solution. Only makes feel worse.

[foreverxlove]

Well she's not really your "best friend" if she did that to you.
Maybe you shouldn't have went that far and cut yourself, but you shouldn't waste your time on people like them.
You'll make plenty of other friends (better ones too) that wouldn't do that to you.
Friends come and go in life, the best thing to do is learn from it and move on.

[xkrn4lyfx]

haha, high school relationships are pretty fickle aren't they?

in terms of friends, i heard that girls are just like that. once your out of the clique, your out and you can never get back in. my sister's friend was the one who was rejected from the clique and never got back in. later on she became depressed (literally, like clinical depression).

in terms of alcohol, the first time i drank alcohol was in my college dorms. yeah, did not turn out too well. i went WAY over my limit, was drunk and had to be taken care of, and was hung over for like 3 days. surprised i didn't die of alcohol poisoning. well anyhow, i never drank alcohol with them again, not because i didn't want to, they just never invited me to join them XD

nobody likes to take care of someone who drank too much. yeah, 1 drink is 1 drink. BUT it holds a lot of meaning. it could either mean a fun night, or a very bad one. yeah, your friends overreacted, to completely estrange you for one night's bad choices, but it's partly your fault. you convinced them that you shouldn't drink, and you broke their trust by doing so.

the BIGGEST problem i saw here was one decision you made. it was the decision to go dancing. first off, you gotta be able to refuse when you don't want to do something. if you don't wanna dance, just don't go. if you have to go, go there and find something else to do. then the 2nd night, you went AGAIN. there were plenty of things you could have said to not go, including "i'm hung over, i can't go." just take this as a life lesson and move on. yeah it's hard. while in school, friends seem like they're everything, but in truth they're not.

after high school, i meet with the same group of friends over and over again, but even that's only once every couple months. high school friends can be friends for life, but they're usually not. a better example is probably my sister, after high school... there's maybe 2-3 friends she meets with, one at a time, maybe couple times a year.

don't change yourself for your friends. to be a friend means to accept someone as they are. a friend is supposed to like you for who you are, that's why your friends in the first place. if they can't accept you, why do you consider them as friends? why change yourself for people who aren't your friends? there are hundreds of other people in your school, become friends with them, only this time, choose friends who like you for who you are

if your gonna go to a therapist, go for possible depression. cutting yourself is not healthy, and even through you only did it once, it means your capable of doing it again

[Pho4Ever]

I can understand why you are upset. You friend urges you to do something that you don't want to do, and then she blames you for trying to have some fun. Bist du Deutsch? You said July as Juli. I think she was pretty cruel to call you crazy especially when you needed her the most. I would be pissed if some girl talked mini cooper about me right in front of me.
You did overreact by trying to cut yourself. In the long run, you will see how petty these arguments are, and then you'll find your true friends who always have your back. You didn't purposely get drunk at the party, and if they know you don't drink a lot, then they should be understanding and not be angry about taking care of you. Wait it out, you'll find a group of nice people to hang out with.

[cherri82crystal]

hey....i can see why you got upset cause you're friend was being selfish, thinking that you ruined her dream school trip. she didn't take your feelings into consideration. but you need to know you're limit with alcohol, and you're friends at that time really didn't want to go through that same trouble that you put them through the first time. you ordering a drink is selfish in their eyes. so i can understand them there.. however you overeacted when you're best friend freaked out on you, calling you crazy, i mean by cutting yourself, all you did was basically say "yes i am crazy"..
after seeing all this drama, i don't think they'll come to you...cause well they think you're messed up and crazy. It seems like they've already cut all ties from you. i think the situation has dragged out to long, and the chance of them forgiving you is already too late....you could always change schools and start over =]

[septembre]

xkrn4lyfx: I'm one of those persons who just cant say what I really want. That must been one of the problems too. I did hope that they could be my friends for life, but now I gave up this hope. Somehow I think that I'll never find a friend for lifetime.

Pho4Ever : yes, ich bin Deutsch ^^

[littlemisssunsunshine]

im sorry you had to go through all that! ]:

in my opinion, your friends aren't worth it. i know your best friend probably means a lot to you from what you've said, but you've probably overestimated her friendship. like you, i just dont understand how she can turn against you simply because you 'supposedly ruined the school trip' because you dont really enjoy the social scene. not only do they not understand how much you've tried to fit in 'for their sake' - doing to the clubs, the attempt to dance, drinking alcohol etc. if that isnt you! and doing those things are something you're uncomfortable with, then you shouldnt have to do it! unlike the people above, i think you didnt purposely overreact, it was just natural instinct to cut yourself probably from the shock of it all. but what you need to do is move on!!!!!!!! find a new group of people who you are comfortable with and can just relax and be yourself. this is probably easier said then done but alles gut fur dich (is that right? my shocking deutshc O_o)!

[Spicy_Noodles]

Best friend? Pssshh. I think you should forget about them and get new friends. You do need to know your limits but your friends were being selfish. You shouldn't cut yourself. Seriously. And those friends aren't worth it at all. They don't understand you at all.

[Pho4Ever]

My boyfriend read it and he was like, "So typisch" lol.

He knows a lot of German girls who act like your "friends." I believe you can change different Gymnasiums right? You're not obligated to be their friend and neither are they. The hardest part is that you probably had good memories with them. You can easily make new friends, but try not to overreact like you did before because it can scare people. School is for learning, soon you'll be doing your abitur and getting the hell out of there! Unless you go to a realschule. Try to make some buddies outside of school and who share the same interests as you. Schuelervz is lame anyway!

Es ist nicht schwer neue freunde zu finden. Du bist sehr genial und nett. And hey, not all German people like to go to the disco