[Humanity]

Here is a situation I had a hard time trying to figure out and wonder what others would have done in my shoes

I was dating a girl for two years that I met in school. We had a really good relationship and we became very close very quickly. Soon she was spending the nights at my place and we were both very happy.

There were some strange things she did at times but nothing too serious. Sometimes she got a little jealous and sometimes a little suspicious. I assumed it was typical girly moodiness.

Then into the second year of our relationship things took a turn for the weird. Her suspicious nature turned almost to paranoia in school. We were in a design major and she thought everyone was stealing her dieas and she even accused me of it. She did terrible in school and failed all her classes in one semester which was a stark contrast to her previous high grades.

Then she became extremely needy of me and would not want to be separated. We lived in two very opposite sides of the city and she would hang out with me and then at night refuse to go home. At one point she became so erratic she called me asking if she can use my computer to register for classes at 2am and I told her she can do it first thing in the morning. She took a taxi while crying onthe phone hysterically saying this is her life and she needs to do it now. When she got here I was angry and told her to take the cab back home and she started screaming in the middle of the street so I took her inside. She then refused to leave my house - the landlady got involved and from that point on she was banned from ever coming back in the house.

I cared about her so I tried to help her so I still saw her. That was probably a mistake as she would show up at my job and wait for literally hours until I got out. I tried to explain to her that she can't come over anymore because of what happened in the past but she wouldn't understand and kept coming to see me. She would come at night and cry outsdie my house asking to come in. She wouldn't understand that I would get kicked out of the house if she kept doing thing.

I supported her as much as I could until, I believe by her familys influence, she went back to her parents in Hong Kong.


For a while during this behavior I was really scared. It was not the same person I knew and fell in love with.



What would you have done?

[makesure]

Have you ever asked her whats wrong?

Sounds like shes suffering through some kind of traumatic experience or did anyways which led to her behavior now.

[greeenkiwi]

People don't drastically change like that for no reason. Obviously there's something that she didn't tell you. I'm betting that it's something serious.

If it was me, I would have sat down and had a serious talk with her. Start by bringing up the past and your great memories together and how things were perfect. Then explain to her how she suddenly started to change. Tell her how much I care and is worried and try to get her to spill why she changed. If she doesn't have a good reason, then chances are she's lying and doesn't want help. This would mean there's really not much you can do. If she does then great, means she confiding in you and really needs your help.

But from this story, it seems like shes being "needy" towards you because shes depending on you for help and is expecting you to be there for her. But you know.. everyone has their limits so their are times when you just have to let her be and find her way again.

[bellyy.loo]

something was definitely wrong. do you still keep in touch with her?

[Choco-Chippudding]

Woah O_O

People don't drastically change like that for no reason.

----^ Did you talk to her or ask her what the matter was or if anything happened lately?

[miika]

You need a serious talk with her.. it seems from your story you guys don't talk about your problems anymore?

[KanyeWEST]

she probably has a psychological disorder. from your descriptions she seems really psychotic. just try to sever all contact with her and hope that she gets better.

[Mzz L]

Or she's just always been like that. She just wasn't comfortable enough to show it the first year. After the first year is when most couples become real real comfortable with each other.


Sounds like she has some issues within herself though.
Unless you gave her a legit reason to doubt you at one point and it just progressed unhealthily.

[meowx]

Hi Humanity,

No one should really attempt to diagnose her, but as you're not with her anymore (I assume) I don't suppose it matters. Her behaviour sounds very much like she is suffering from a psychological disorder, as KanyeWEST mentioned. In fact, it sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder, which is personally what I suffered from (I believe I am now recovered after extensive DBT).

You can look up the DSM criteria for yourself, but her neediness, emotional dysregulation and inability to deal with what she feels is "abandonment" is quite indicative of the disease. I personally HATED it when my partner expressed wishes to go out with his friends without me, I felt like I was being abandoned and I wasn't loved if he wanted to spend time with others. I also struggled with anger issues and would frequently and aggressively display my temper over the smallest of things.

In terms of what you should have done - well, it would have depended on how much you loved her and whether she was worth staying with. My partner of now almost three years had a hard time, but he stuck by me whilst I got the help I needed. We're now happier and stronger than we have ever been. It also depends on your emotional and mental strength as a person - I guess if you're not particularly great at dealing with stress, then leaving her would be safer and healthier for you. At the same time, not all borderlines recover (if that's definitely what she has).

KanyeWEST, her behaviour was NOT psychotic. That's not a particularly pleasant word to use, especially if she is or was mentally ill. "Psychotic" refers to those who have lost contact with reality, and suffers from delusions and hallucinations. As I sincerely doubt this girl suffered from that, it's actually a very insulting term for those who suffer with mental illness. From what Humanity has described, she is emotionally dysregulated, not psychotic. Paranoia, insecurity, emotional turbulence and co-dependency are completely different from delusion.

Have you ever asked her whats wrong?

Sounds like shes suffering through some kind of traumatic experience or did anyways which led to her behavior now.

Absolutely. Makesure has hit the nail on the head. People who behave in this way have often experienced some form of traumatic experience or abuse in early childhood.