[kayara<3]

Me and one of my best friends have been really close since middle school. I used to be able to tell her everything, and vice versa.

But she got a bf a few months ago, and things have been going downhill ever since. Because they're ALWAYS together; they have every lecture together every single day, five days a week. They call each other every night for at least two hours. They see each other on the weekends, and I know he's taking her on a trip next vacation. And it wasn't even a gradual thing. It was like... one day we were all close friends, and the next day she had a bf, and she dropped off the face of the earth.

I respect that they like each other so much, I don't have any issues with the guy, and I'm so glad that she's happy, but the fact that she's started to neglect all of her friends who used to be close to her is starting to become too much. She never seems to be bothered to make time for anyone else any more; I don't think she cares. She'll promise to call, and I'll never hear from her, yet my other friends have mentioned that whenever they try to phone her, her cell is always engaged, and when they questioned her about it, she said "sorry, I was talking to ____". I ask her to go out places with me and our other friends, and she's always "too tired" [from talking to her bf until 3am], or she'll have plans with her bf. I haven't actually had a proper conversation with her for about a month.

Please don't get me wrong, it's not as though I bug her about it. I don't have any classes with her, barely any lunch breaks, and our group usually makes plans to go out at the end of the week, so I ask her if she'd like to join us. And I dunno... I miss her, and it'd just be nice to see her every now and again.

I've never been in a serious relationship due to uh... *coughcommittmentissuescough*, so I wouldn't know. But is this the norm? I understand that if you have a bf, you're going to spend less time with others, but I don't understand the way she treats us now. I believe I've kept a respectful distance, and I haven't immaturely chucked a hissy fit, but I, as well as others she used to hang out with, feel as though she's forgotten about us. And it's been quite a while now, so I'm not sure whether to keep doing what I'm doing, or whether to just butt out altogether, and hope that some day she remembers that we're still there for her. Alternatively, if I'm being completely selfish, feel free to tell me that, too >_> It's kinda hard to tell if you yourself are being selfish, after all ><"

[whenaicu]

I was in the same situation as you a few months ago.
My bestfriend would only come to me if her boyfriend was hurting her. I was really upset to the point I just told her "I want us to be friends but please don't come to me only when he makes you cry".

Basically I confronted her. She apologized for being selfish, although it didn't change much (she's still attached to him like glue) I got if off my chest. I don't think it's selfish, I think you should ask her to put aside some time to hang with the girls.

Cause lets face it, who likes a couple that becomes too much of a couple and lose all their friends in the process.

[Yukita]

This is almost like the current story of my life.

It upsets me greatly but I understand that sometimes people's lives just take different paths. I'm single and taking several leadership positions at school. She has a significant other that she feels deeply for and lives with and the most I can do is understand and accept her happiness, even if that happiness does not include me in her life.

The only time that it hurts the most is when I think about when we used to live together and we'd talk until we were too tired, falling asleep in a shared silence that said nothing but also spoke of a deeper camaraderie than we had ever been comfortable enough to express in words or action.

[HaplessChild]

It's normal. You get upset about it for a little bit and then you move on and let her do her thing.

My roommate and I had planned tons of things together for the summer and when she got a new bf she bailed on everything and then got upset when I quit inviting her to stuff. It's little different for us because we live and work together but none the less.

Anyway, I do the same thing; I got MIA when I have a bf. It's just how I am and my friend have come to know this and deal with it.

[nagellack]

i have to deal with it now. i mean okay, i'm happy that she is happy with her bf. but if i asked her if she has time for me, she would say " sorry...blablabla"
from now on i told myself, "ok,let her."
she only talks about her bf or their problems. or just talk about their things. ( she doesn't ask what problem i have etc.)
it's really getting on my nerves and it hurts.

[HaplessChild]

Are all of that are complaining single? I'm assuming so... A girl with a bf wouldn't complain about losing another girl to their bf.

Does anyone know of a single married couple over 30 that has a crap load of friends over all the time? That has a bunch of friends of the opposite sex or that hangs out with their friends all the time? There aren't many. Once you realize it's serious you start building toward the possibility of a family. Even when you're young this just kind of happens naturally unless you don't take the relationship seriously. It's a mating ritual. It's natural.

[kayara<3]

well, yes, i'm single. can't speak for anyone else on this thread.

I don't think you understand what I'm saying. I don't want my friend to be hanging out with us "all the time", to the detriment of her relationship. I would be happy if she'd just remember that there is a world outside of her bf once in a while. That's all. Although I find it sad that you seem to be suggesting that when you're in a relationship, it's fine to leave your friends behind. But like you said, this is how you are. Everyone sees things differently.

When I say I haven't had any serious relationships, I mean that I haven't been in any that've had the intention of going the long haul... it's not that I don't value my relationships, but rather that I just don't see the point in looking to build a family just yet, when there's still so much more I want out of life before I get to that point. But whenever I've been in a relationship, my friends always stayed in my life, and the relationship with the bf didn't suffer. I guess that's why I find it confusing.

[Yukita]

DreamingSaturn is right, though.
Yeah, you're just gonna have to wait to reconnect with her.
If your friendship means that much to the both of you,
she'll come back to you and you'll be waiting.

[Keilynn]

I wish my boyfriend would do that. T_T

But he says it's not good if we see each other everyday.

Anyways, I doubt it will be like this forever. It's normal if they just got together.

[HaplessChild]

well, yes, i'm single. can't speak for anyone else on this thread.

I don't think you understand what I'm saying. I don't want my friend to be hanging out with us "all the time", to the detriment of her relationship. I would be happy if she'd just remember that there is a world outside of her bf once in a while. That's all. Although I find it sad that you seem to be suggesting that when you're in a relationship, it's fine to leave your friends behind. But like you said, this is how you are. Everyone sees things differently.

When I say I haven't had any serious relationships, I mean that I haven't been in any that've had the intention of going the long haul... it's not that I don't value my relationships, but rather that I just don't see the point in looking to build a family just yet, when there's still so much more I want out of life before I get to that point. But whenever I've been in a relationship, my friends always stayed in my life, and the relationship with the bf didn't suffer. I guess that's why I find it confusing.

The thing you need to know is that you will never give any girl/ woman the feelings a man can give her. EVER. You will never be her lover, her protector or her partner. There is a bond in [serious] relationships that does not compare to platonic friends. Her bf is her [new] best friend in ways that you will never be.

You are already friends with her and you will never be more than friends. There is nothing to build with you, nothing to work on, nothing to elevate. You don't see the point in being immersed in a serious relationship because you have other priorities. Your friend obviously does. She is spending time with him because they are building.

[Juztine]

I understand how you feel..and I have a bf myself.

Recently (as in 3 -4 months ago) me and my two closest girl friends all got into relationships. It was funny, during high school we saw each other every single day, where none of us dated during that period, and always amused ourselves on the idea of all getting boyfriends at the same time (at that time it seemed impossible and something WAYY off in the distant future)..now in our 2nd year of uni, that finally happened and well, let's say I'm having trouble adjusting to it. You'd think that because I have a boyfriend right now I shouldn't be upset at all, but the truth is I am a little bit.
We have gone from seeing each other every day to being lucky to meet up at least once every few weeks. I dunno, I just feel less valued now because now they've got a special someone in their life? They complain in jest that my bf takes up all my time and that's why we have less time to see each other, but the truth is they're so preoccupied with their own boyfriends, so we'll just do our own thing. I tend to balance my boyfriend and group of friends pretty well; I mean my bf great, he's more than happy to come hang out with my friends, and I would NEVER bail out on seeing my friends for him (he & I got into an argument once about this, but I made my stance pretty clear that my friends are important too). Despite this it's those two closest friends of mine I feel like I'm slipping away from, even though it's only natural for one to be extremely attached to their significant other in the prime of their relationship, the 'honeymoon beginning'.
I asked my boyfriend doesn't it feel weird he hasnt hung out with his friends so long, devoting most of his spare time to see me, cause we both saw our friends heaps before we started dating and honestly he doesn't mind at all. So I question whether I;m being too ridiculous in my expectations and shouldn't mind either..but I do. I don't think friendships should be compromised for relationships. Couple years worth of close friendship shouldn't have to clear it's path for a newfound happiness completely.

[dothat36]

I don't understand why anyone would just cut all ties with their friends because they are in a relationship. it's ridiculous!
I have never ditched my friends just because I was seeing someone. "Building" or not, it makes no sense to put one person as the center of your world and forget people that have been there for you. Relationships are about balance, so it's unfair to expect someone to always be there for you but give them the cold shoulder when you don't need them. Friendships are just as important as romantic relationships, and people need to work at it to keep it going. If your friend keeps on acting the way she is, she won't have any friends left. Let's hope that relationship lasts, because she might not have a support system when everything crumbles.

[HaplessChild]

Who said anything about cutting all ties?

An example. Like I said, I'm lucky enough to live and work with my best female friend so it's not really an issue there. Anyway, my bf stays over at my house. Frequently. He usually stays the whole weekend. Our quality time is Friday night after I've gotten off of work and Sat/ Sun morning lying in bed together. A friend called me wanting to get breakfast together. I told them "hey, sorry, but I'm in bed with my bf right now." I'm sure as hell not going to tell my bf "hey, someone called and on the spur of the moment so you need to get up and leave now so I can go hang out with someone else even though you were here first and since you were here last night, we've probably talked about doing something together today. Nope, sorry, I'm going to have to throw all that out the window and be completely rude and tell you to GTFO."

The only alternatives are A) go as a group, but who really wants a third wheel? who wants to be a third wheel? or send you SO packing unexpectedly or C) say "sorry, I've already got company."

I often encourage my bf to spend more time with his friends (I don't have this problem, I don't have any friends anymore) and the ones that are ok with being a third wheel or the ones with SOs will come along. Otherwise, it's just me and him.

The thing about relationships is that every experience and a learning/ growing expereince and the more time you spend apart the more you grow apart. That and, like I said, for most people, their SO is their best friend without saying. Not everyone operates this way but a lot do. It's normal and it's not wrong.

Again, I've never heard anyone over the age of 30 complain about this crap.

[bonjour tristesse.]

This is why I never ignore my closest girl friend ; Since I hang out with guys mostly, she's the only female companion I've had and the closest closest best friend I've had ; We've been best friends since 6th grade and it's going to be 4/5 years soon. The thing is that you have to tell your friend about this. If she understands it then good. If not, really, would you want to be best friends with someone who would rather hang out with her boyfriend who's relationship probably won't last a lifetime? Think about it.

[HaplessChild]

It's silly to assume that a friendship will last a lifetime either.

I had a female friend like that once. We were closer than close for almost a decade. Guess what? We're not friends anymore.

[lala4ever]

show her this topic you made and exactly what you wrote.
however, the only thing you SHOULDN'T do is make her choose between you and her boyfriend

[ohemgeex]

awww yeah that sounds sort of like how my closest friend and i are now...
she just doesn't talk to me anymore eversince she started going out with this guy....

I understand how lonely/hurt/annoyed you feel, but I'm sure this will pass soon.

[ilovemangos]

i have a best friend that was like that but now it's slowly getting better. ever since she got real close to her boyfriend, it seems like she could not trust or confide in anyone else. but i let her do her thing, cause i'm not in the position to change her mind. so i left her alone and thought if it's meant to happen then she'll come around, and now, she's coming to me.

your not the selfish one, she's the selfish one for putting her boyfriend first before all, and not making time for her friends (you guys). i can say that, because that selfish person was once me.

[Mannosuke]

show her this topic you made and exactly what you wrote.
however, the only thing you SHOULDN'T do is make her choose between you and her boyfriend

It doesn't matter cause she'll lose either way lol

[�..a�]

It's silly to assume that a friendship will last a lifetime either.

I had a female friend like that once. We were closer than close for almost a decade. Guess what? We're not friends anymore.

That's your problem not others. There's people here who WANT to keep the friendship going for as long as possible. And as you can see, the OP is trying to maintain the friendship by just wanting to seeing her BFF a little more. Is there something wrong with that? So what if the other girl has a boyfriend, and they need time to "build" some crap together? She should remember that the OP was probably there for her even BEFORE her boyfriend appeared. She shouldn't just brush her aside for a guy.

My best advice to you, talk to her about it. If she still doesn't change, it means that she doesn't value your friendship enough to keep it going. It's really not impossible to make some time, once a week, or even once every two weeks to see your BFF.