[endlessbeauty]

Alright. first off... long distant relationship AND...

GOD forgive me for feeling this way because it has to do with a funeral and I shouldn't be having these kind of thoughts, but I can't help it.

SO a week ago my boyfriend tells me that his ex called him to let him know that her grandmother passed away and she had basically asked for him to go. The fact that she wanted him there basically shows that she still thinks of him and she "needs" him there. I understand that she and my bf have a history together and I do understand that it would be hard to forget someone that's been your significant other for more than 4+ yrs. I then asked him if he was going to go and he said he wasn't sure. I then asked him where he stood with her and he reassured me that he has moved on from her because during their relationship they have tried to compromise and things still didnt work out so they decided to split (and he said that she cheated). Its still kinda iffy if they have a "friend" relationship because the last time I asked if they still kept in touch he said that "she still thinks we are best friends".

Last night I called him and his phone was either shut off or the battery died. He called me around 2:00 am and told me that he was at the funeral ALL DAY and just got back home. Then he tells me that he wasn't planning to go, but his brother came in town and asked him to drive there (so i'm guessing their families are close). I just got upset and told him that I was going to sleep, either he took it as I was really tired or knew that I was upset.

So my feelings on it is that usually when you go to a funeral, you're there to comfort people you care about. And I find it hard to believe that he didn't know his brother was coming into town and what his plans were, if he was planning to go he should have told me Friday night. But I do see it as his choice to go to the funeral cause if he didn't really wanna go, he could have asked his other brothers to drive there! He could be lying, but I really don't wanna doubt him.

In a way I feel that he came through for his ex cause she asked and he went, and when it comes to asking him to come visit me he says that we'll see each other soon...whenever that is =/ It also makes me wonder if he really has moved on since they had a history together. I'm planning on talking to him tonight about this cause it really does bother me. I know there's a trust issue but we had mutually agreed that we don't trust each other 100% and im ok with that.

What are your thoughts on it?? Is it even worth being upset? or am I just overreacting??

[HelloGorgeous]

I think that i would be a little bit upset if this occurred with me and my bf, but i think in the end you have to remember that someone's grandma has passed away and put your feelings aside because the ex GF must be feeling devastated right now. And it seems like it would be kind of obvious that he would be going because if his brother were going he's kind of obligated to go.

In a way I feel that he came through for his ex cause she asked and he went, and when it comes to asking him to come visit me he says that we'll see each other soon...whenever that is

I don't think you can compare these to situations because they're two extremely different situations.

I think that if your jealousy stems from him JUST going to the funeral then i don't think you have anything to worry about, a funeral is something that you can't really say no to, it doesn't mean he still has feelings for her.
But if there are other reasons that makes you think something more is going on, than thats a different situation...


i hope everything works out

[AngelsWhisper]

i think you got the right to be upset a little, he should have told you. but it's also rude to reject an invitation to a funeral...

[jsp]

Being asked to go to anyone's funeral and not going is pretty tough. I would consider letting this one go.

[LUVSSOURCREAM]

iono why ppl have to be so nice. thats how ppl get caught up in tangles.
if he chooses to go im sure he's just being nice. but i mean come on you have to draw the line SOMEWHERE. her grandmother died....ok. but were your bf and her grandma ever even that close????
even if your bf dont decide to go, he shouldnt feel bad. and i know what your concern is..i mean what............later on down along the line, if someone has a baby shower, should your bf attend too??
this is a slick trick your bf's ex used. but i would say its ultimately up to your bf and do TRUST him.
good luck

[bbyxwinnie]

id feel uncomfortable but its a funeral. let it go ;s

[JoycexGuo]

I really don't think you have a right to be worried. All she did was ask for him to go right? It's not like she said "You are my one and only support system. If you don't go, I'll cry myself to sleep"... I mean, I've been to funerals that lasted for a while mainly because you want to comfort close friends and family. If he said his brother was there with him, then you could ask his brother if anything was going on between your boyfriend and his ex. Even then, she just lost her grandmother, so if she was crying and he wanted to comfort her, it's probably just out of sympathy. I don't really know why you were upset about him going either way if his brother went.

Also, like HelloGorgeous said, you wanting to hang out with your boyfriend and him going to a funeral is two extremely different situations. You really can't compare that...

[Swtess]

I agree with luvsourcream. Was the grandma and bf ever close? If not he has no reason to go to the funeral at all unless like you assumed the families were close. He also should've gave you a straight answer of a yes or no. There is no maybe. Being a Mr. Nice to an ex like that may cause a lot of problems in the future.

[MNLV27]

I agree with Swtess and luvsourcream. He must of been really close with her family to attend to her grandma's funeral. I guess you guys just need to trust each other more.

As for the he'd go to the funeral but not come to see you, it's understandable why you would fuss over that but I'm sure he has his reasons to not come yet, maybe money problems or whatnots.

[heyitzthatfc]

If their families are close, then you're wrong to feel that way. No matter what.


I don't even see a problem really, "he might fall in love with her again!"

Come on people, get real and grow up lol. It's perfectly understandable if they're still friends after a pretty long relationship, I mean you say he said he cheated on her, but the instant I read that, I think that he told you that because you might have been making him feel uncomfortable or something.

Just let it go, it's understandable to have the "the evil ex" syndrome (where you think ex's are trying to get back with your current date) but there are easier ways to tell if that's really happening or not. His life, not yours.





Also, the people who say just give a straight yes or no answer. Yes it really is THAT hard for the guy. Most of the little ladies on this forum want their boyfriend to be obedient and have no backbone. And most of the time they have good boyfriends who really want to please them, but are stuck with a decision to either: please you, or be respectful to another person who invited you to a FUNERAL.

[felinius]

How long you been going out??

SO a week ago my boyfriend tells me that his ex called him to let him know that her grandmother passed away and she had basically asked for him to go. The fact that she wanted him there basically shows that she still thinks of him and she "needs" him there.

Now, the first part may be what other people are saying, that the grandma and him were close. However I find it weird that he turned off his phone, didn't call you about it and just went without knowing. That's shady within itself.

LDRs are hard ... and it's really easy to get jealous ... just make sure that you know the back story about this before you really start getting mad.

[heyitzthatfc]

How long you been going out??



Now, the first part may be what other people are saying, that the grandma and him were close. However I find it weird that he turned off his phone, didn't call you about it and just went without knowing. That's shady within itself.

LDRs are hard ... and it's really easy to get jealous ... just make sure that you know the back story about this before you really start getting mad.

Well, for all that's given, maybe he didn't want his cell phone going off at the time of the funeral, even if he could've put it on vibrate, he'd have to check it, or go through 30 seconds of vibration in his pants.

[felinius]

Well, for all that's given, maybe he didn't want his cell phone going off at the time of the funeral, even if he could've put it on vibrate, he'd have to check it, or go through 30 seconds of vibration in his pants.

Then why wouldn't he have called before the funeral to tell her he was going? Or even AFTER?

I don't know, my own LDR experience tells me that if it's something incredibly important to a person that they will inform the significant other at any cost, not just toss them away like they're going out with friends.

[JoycexGuo]

Then why wouldn't he have called before the funeral to tell her he was going? Or even AFTER?

I don't know, my own LDR experience tells me that if it's something incredibly important to a person that they will inform the significant other at any cost, not just toss them away like they're going out with friends.

Is it incredibly important to inform her about the funeral?

I mean just because it's a long distance relationship doesn't mean he has to tell her about the funeral, it's a funeral, I don't see why he'd be obliged to tell her about it.

[felinius]

Is it incredibly important to inform her about the funeral?

I mean just because it's a long distance relationship doesn't mean he has to tell her about the funeral, it's a funeral, I don't see why he'd be obliged to tell her about it.

Because he:

a. told HER about the funeral first
b. it involves an EX
c. the SO is clearly upset and the boyfriend knows

In a long distance relationship you have to treat it differently than when you're in person. You have to be truthful about everything, especially if SO is upset about it.

[bonjour tristesse.]

He's with you isn't he? Simple as that.

[damyoungji]

I don't blame you for having such thoughts, but in the end, it was a funeral.

Like you said, he is probably close to his ex-girlfriend's family. There isn't really any wrong for one to attend a close friend's relative's funeral, right? Just because they are no longer together does not mean that he has to erase her out of his life completely. As for your thoughts about him lying about it to you (as in how his brother decided to drive him there), he probably did it because he was in a tight spot. He knew that you felt insecure about letting him go, so he "lied" (okay, we don't know if he did or not, right?) about it. Either way, it's not a big issue. He was there as a friend and if he wasn't, then he and his ex-girlfriend have no respect for the grandmother.

[endlessbeauty]

Come on people, get real and grow up lol. It's perfectly understandable if they're still friends after a pretty long relationship, I mean you say he said he cheated on her, but the instant I read that, I think that he told you that because you might have been making him feel uncomfortable or something.

She cheated on him.

How long you been going out??

We've been together for about a year.

I don't think he and her grandma were close, he never mentioned it but i could be wrong.

But not to get anything wrong, I'm having mixed feelings about this because it had to do with a funeral! I'm trying NOT to be selfish and i do feel sorry that her grandmother passed. I think it was just the fact that he "didn't know" that his brother was coming to town (which he usually does know when the Bro comes) and that his phone was turned off that made the situation seem kinda shady to me. I know the real problem is that we don't trust each other as we should and when we deal with that everything should be fine.

[Oska]

How far away does the brother live? If it's not far, he might have just decided to go to the funeral the day of. And since his brother was going, it would have seemed extra rude for your boyfriend not to have gone, considering how close he used to be with the family (I assume, closer than his brother). I don't see why he would have to call you and inform you first, particularly if you have a standard daily phone call time thing going on. However, 2am seems pretty late to still be out if he drove, and the funeral was in the morning. Also, does he normally call you at 2am, that seems a bit late/early, and thus inconsiderate of sleeptime. Was it 2am for him also?

Remember, he did tell you about the funeral in the first place, he didn't have to tell you about it at all.

[makelovenoises]

I know the real problem is that we don't trust each other as we should and when we deal with that everything should be fine.

Based on this thread, it think it's more like you don't trust him. Not 'we'.

I think I'm the only one that doesn't find the phone off and unexpected leave fine (yes I'm aware that she's an ex). I'd trust my boyfriend to go to the funeral. I'll take his word for it.