[HRJAS]

I just feel like I have to say this.

I'm a rape victim, having been robbed of my innocence at the age of six (on top of being molested repeatedly during that time). It's a known fact that it affects me greatly to this day; my first boyfriend was at the age of seventeen, and I freaked out and broke up with him after a month (for no real reason). I'm terribly afraid of men (when it comes to relationships), and the thought of sex is just...horrifying. Even when I go on dates with guys I'm attracted to, I find reasons to justify my decision not to call them back or to keep them as friends. I don't know if it's affecting the perception of my sexuality also, because I'm really wondering if I'm better off with women (I find some women very attractive).

I don't know. What do you guys think?

[peppermintsugar]

Women are no different than men in a lot of ways. A woman can rape and abuse you, too. Women can be unaffectionate, and rude, and heartless just like men can be, so don't go to women thinking that they'll be entirely different emotionally or mentally. I mean, do whatever you want, but I just don't want you to go about it thinking the wrong thing.

Also, I've had similar things happen to me in the past, and I've still been in happy relationships with men. You just have to find the right one, but you can't be afraid. It's gonna be hard, but you have to be willing to open yourself up to another person, if you aren't willing to let your guard down, then the other person isn't going to be able to give themselves to you, either.

It'll be hard and it'll take time, but you can do it.

[HRJAS]

Yeah, I think that's my problem, when I really come down to it. That's the thing about building a wall around yourself: you keep others out, but at the same time you lock yourself if when you want to come out. I guess I just have to say "F-uck it" and jump in the pool.

[bonjour tristesse.]

Though I can't say I know what it's like, I understand on how you're so terrified of guys and the thought of sex, etc. But give other people chances. The guy that raped / molested you was one guy that makes the world look bad. Remember that not everyone is like him.

[terrorist]

I'm no person to give advice since i really don't know your mental state.

but i can say this much. lets say you did go out with a woman, she might have sexual needs too? are you okay with that?

Also, try reaching out to other rape/molested victims and see how they fought their situations with fear of dating. rape forum community, perhaps?
if you go out with guys, don't stay in private places. try to be together in public places? so you can build your relationship around that. try to earn your trust for men like that?

question.. are you scared of the sexual intercourse that may happen? or are you particularly scared of men?
because from your post. it seems that you do at least have male friends. which shows you do tolerate them to some extent. also went on a date with a guy for 1 month.

[x-rays-r-b-yu-t-ful]

One step at a time.

Some thought exercises should help too. Like overcoming any fear. (Though, I'd recommend a 'rape crisis counselor' or atrained therapist )

And let your lover know what you're dealing with. Maybe then he can be supportive.

[Want2LoveU]

I am very sorry to hear about your situation, but sometimes in life people have it harder than others. You just need to find someone your trust not all men are like that.

[HRJAS]

terrorist: I'm particularly scared of men who express interest in me. I know it's bad, but I automatically become suspicious of their intentions when they're nice to me and such (as the story goes in relationships). That's why I freaked and broke it off with my boyfriend (which was a bit more than two years ago). I've been single ever since, and I've been on dates, but like I said, I look for any excuse not to deal with them anymore. Yet, the irony of it all is, I can't seem to get along with girls as friends (I've had a few light flings with them). I prefer to hang out with my boys.

I don't know. I've thought about going to the therapist on my university campus, but I felt weird about the idea. Maybe it's a good idea to go.

[McChicken]

i know a friend that was raped when she was young and it still scars her till this day
-depression, social problems etc.

pm me if you wish to elaborate :/

[donporkuloin]

If a woman raped you then you'd be scared of women. I think that's ironic. The solution is simple you have to find it in yourself to get past what happened. Counseling is a good start. For starters it's unjustifiable to judge or run away from every guy, because of something that one guy did to you. Running to be a lesbian isn't going to make it any better. Doing that is just saying you're afraid to move on, and trying to run to a "safe zone." But if you do that? Then sooner or later you will find out being a lesbian isn't going to be the "safe" zone? you think it is.

[HRJAS]

McChicken: I can say it right here; I've come to terms with what happened to me, and I don't see it as something I should cower behind. But what I'm about to say right now will probably cause discomfort upon reading.

I've been contemplating about the matter since I posted this topic last night, and I've come to realize something. I'll start first with the backstory.

I was molested and raped repeatedly when I was six years old by my then-eleven year old cousin who lived with my grandparents at the time. My mom would leave me in my grandparents' care a lot because both of my parents worked quite a lot. My cousin came home (to my grandparents') one day and told me that he found a new game to play.

"It's called S-E-X, and the rule is that you can't tell anyone or else I'm not gonna let you play on my computer."

It was 1995, I was six, and the computer meant a great deal to me (lol).

I didn't know what it was, and I didn't know that what he was doing to me was bad. If you think about it, it's not exactly rape because it was consensual (sp ?) at the time. I learned in my ninth grade health class that I was raped through trickery (imagine not fully realizing that what happened to you was something so atrocious and incestual until eight years later?).

The twisted thing is, I came to enjoy it (yes, I'm saying that my six year old self loved to play the S-E-X game).

I fell into depression, became suicidal, but I got over that part after two years. I was infuriated at my cousin, but I soon came to realize that I've been over my anger towards my cousin. I'm not so mad at the fact that he did what he did, because I was over the ordeal.

What I'm not over with, however, is the fact that I liked that disgusting little game we played fourteen years ago. What I'm doing now is just blaming him for my self-disgust. He's my scapegoat. Him and that game we played seemed to justify my jadedness, and seemed to justify the reason why I'm such a f-ucked up individual.

But I'm still scared of men. I'm scared of being able to trust men and love them, leaving my well-being in their hands due to a relationship. I had my first boyfriend when I was 17. It only lasted a month because I just couldn't do it anymore, I freaked out. And now, in college, men are unavoidable. I was terrified, and I still kind of am. But at the same time, I want to love. I just don't know how I can get rid of these walls I built around me.

I don't know. I lost track of where I'm trying to go with this.

[Unanimous]

To me the problem isn't being scared of men, maybe being interested in women, or even being terrified of sex.
The main problem here is getting over your past (the rape incident). The rape incident is the core of all of your problems. Obviously you haven`t gotten over it, obviously you are having trouble getting over it. But that`s the first step. You need to know the past is the past. Memories that makes us smile, we keep them. And memories that terrifies us we need to forget, cause only forgetting the bad memories will enable you to move on.

As for sexuality, all I have to say is you don't know unless you try. Try being with a male, try being with a female - then you can conclude your sexuality. But first thing`s first, that is to erase that horrible incident that happened in your past

[Edit] I just read your post (above me) and you said you are over it. So you are over the rape part but not over the fact that you liked it. Well forgive yourself. That`s what you need to do. Forgive yourself, and just move on. Give people a chance to love you, and give you that affection. Don`t you think you deserve to live and love? I think you do. So give yourself a chance to feel those things. You can`t if you don`t let people in. Yes, there are jerks (males and females) yes, you might get hurt. But you are smart. Just have your guard up. But still give forgive yourself, give people a chance to love you, and know that you deserve it.

[HRJAS]

Unanimous: Haha, no, it's not my way of justifying my sexuality at all. I don't really know where I stand with my sexuality, and I'm fine with not really putting a label on it and classify myself as gay, straight, or bi. However, I do think that this incident has warped my sense of sexuality, if you catch my drift. Because, honestly, I do find women attractive, and I have been in a few same-sex flings, but I don't know if it's because I really do like girls or if I'm just going into the safe zone, as donporkuloin@yahoo.com mentioned.

Bear with me, please, because I'm figuring myself out as I'm talking to you guys through this topic.

EDIT

I just read your edit, lol. I think subconsciously I'm telling myself that I'm undeserving of all this positive energy people give me because I've had all this f-ucked up s-hit happen to me. My way of thinking (I guess) is that since I've had all this bad stuff happen to me that ultimately warped my way of thinking, I don't deserve good.

It's a way of...protecting myself from further hurt, I guess.

I just think I'm being too much of a b-itch to risk anything.

[terrorist]

i skimmed through it. but the first step you need to do is be honest with yourself
honest with the things around you
honest with your feelings. TRUE feelings.
which seems like you are in the process of doing it. because from your posts everything sounds cohesive.

Bear with me, please, because I'm figuring myself out as I'm talking to you guys through this topic.

so just hang in there. because you're not miraculously going to feel better and forget your past.
it's called self-therapy. therapy in general takes time.

lets say i'm going for leg therapy. trying to get my paralyzed function back to the way it was originally function.
it's going to be very tedious, very painful and very long.(some get through it quicker, depending on the damage) but you'll get through it.

right now you're mentally paralyzed, in my opinion. and to get through that process you should take it step by step.
The most important step is to be brutally honest with yourself.

let me explain.

What I'm not over with, however, is the fact that I liked that disgusting little game we played fourteen years ago.

right here i'm sure you feel some kind of denial, you wish you didn't LIKE what you did 14 years old.
but try to be brutally honest, you didn't know what you did was wrong because you were a adolescent. very naive.
nobody is going to put you in the corner and say that it's your fault that you liked it. you were just inclined to the naive feeling. you can't sit there and bash yourself.

because nobody else is going to judge you for your past. why should you judge yourself? right??
nobody in soompi is calling you names or saying you did a horrible thing.
so make sure you don't do it to yourself!

you should really seek counseling, even if it's embarrassing.
because it's part of the process to put yourself back in the right shape.

you must sit down and really be honest with your feelings. try to really find deep inside your heart what you REALLY want. and write it down.

because I'm really wondering if I'm better off with women (I find some women very attractive).

I don't know. What do you guys think?

don't ask us for what we think we should do with your sexuality. because your sexuality is going to determine what kind of lifestyle you live. so do what you think is RIGHT. and do what your heart really WANTS.

imo i really think.. you really want to trust guys and be in normal relationships with normal sexual perception.
but you can't seem to do that because it's extremely hard.
that's why you want the easy way out, to be with a woman. correct me if i'm wrong. but this is what i discern.

[HRJAS]

terrorist: You, sir, are good. I don't even know what to say anymore.

Thank you, everyone. Talking about this really helped me out. Thank you.