[hiswendy]

Ever been mistaken for leading someone on when you really were just trying to be nice & you just genuinely like him/her platonically? Sometimes I find those 2 things can have a thin line that hardly separates them...

Uh, share your experiences? Rants...? Anything.

[peppermintsugar]

I used to be one of these people. Super friendly, easy to get along with, had tons of friends (mostly boys), lots of them has crushes, etc etc. Lots of people called me a tease/flirt and I didn't know why.

Then I started dating my current boyfriend. He explained a lot of what I was doing, which may have been just "friendly" to me, but how it looked from a mans point of view, and how men think, and how men see things. When I started looking at the things I did and said from a mans perspective, I saw that I really was being extremely flirtatious.

I think it just goes to show that sometimes an outside perspective is what you need to properly assess the situation. What you think is harmless and innocent might not be seen as such by someone else.

[dream3rx0]

I used to be one of these people. Super friendly, easy to get along with, had tons of friends (mostly boys), lots of them has crushes, etc etc. Lots of people called me a tease/flirt and I didn't know why.

Then I started dating my current boyfriend. He explained a lot of what I was doing, which may have been just "friendly" to me, but how it looked from a mans point of view, and how men think, and how men see things. When I started looking at the things I did and said from a mans perspective, I saw that I really was being extremely flirtatious.

I think it just goes to show that sometimes an outside perspective is what you need to properly assess the situation. What you think is harmless and innocent might not be seen as such by someone else.

care to share and help me out?

ive been called a tease way too many times and its starting to annoy me. i've never been shy, im very outgoing and have alot of guy friends. but how do i know when im crossing the line?

[peppermintsugar]

care to share and help me out?

ive been called a tease way too many times and its starting to annoy me. i've never been shy, im very outgoing and have alot of guy friends. but how do i know when im crossing the line?

Eh, it's kind of a tough area because a lot of the time men like to see things that aren't really there.
For instance, all of my friends were guys. I had a particular guy friend whom I was very, very, close to, we'll call him R. R and I hung out every single day. He knew that I didn't have money to go places, and eat out, and go do expensive things, I told him this, but instead of me not hanging out with him, he insisted that he pay. Throughout our friendship, I was in and out of relationships now and then. He always made it very clear that he wanted a relationship with me, but I always made it very VERBALLY clear that I didn't want a relationship with him. Eventually, the cause of our definite falling out was me beginning to date one of his closest friends. R had paid for my way to a trip out of state that me and my crush (P) were going to. I ended up going out on a date with, and hooking up with P that weekend. R was furious, and we stopped being friends shortly after due to the fact that it was obvious that he couldn't just deal with not having a relationship with me.

People say this was entirely my fault. Whether it was or wasn't, whatever. But as you can see, due to the fact that I always did everything with R, and I allowed for him to spend money on me and whatnot, he was getting the wrong impression even though I was very openly dating and interested in other people. I thought what I did was obvious, apparently it wasn't.

That's a personal example -- As for the things my boyfriend pointed out, it's also different for me because I have very "boyish" interests. I play fighting games competitively. I played DDR competitively. Both of these communities are 95%+ male inhabited, lol. I was a friendly, helpful, person. If someone needed a place to stay, I would offer my home. If someone needed someone else to talk to, I would lend my ear to them. I thought these things were just the nice thing to do, but apparently, a lot of the time when a man asks if he can sleep over, it isn't actually because he's in dire need of a place to stay -- They would just rather stay at a girls house and possibly get to hook up with her.

I used to call and text and talk on AIM a lot to guys. They'd make dirty jokes to me, or comment on how good I look in a picture or something -- something I didn't normally think anything of, but these are things that not only make boyfriends very angry (pay attention girls in relationships!), but they don't make girls look very good, either. Being in constant contact with a man pretty much means you like him to him. It sucks, but it's true a lot of the time. He thinks he's gonna get some.

I don't really know what else to put right now, I already feel like I'm typed WAAAY too much, so I apologize. Maybe if you have any questions I can try to answer?

[itrayya]

laughs evilly as i think about the past.

im a nice person but when a guy starts getting wrong messages,
i cut that smile off his face! *evil laughs*
jokingly.

i always make sure they know that im not leading them on.
cause i dont like to carry extra baggages around,
so it's either they know ahead of time or they get left in the dust.

leading on is when you know that person likes you but you keep flirting and teasing anyways.
being nice is when you try to befriend them without wanting to hurt their feelings?

[LyX]

@ PristineNyte

I am/was like that too (hanging around with mostly guys, some of them having a crush on me, being friendly and cheerful, doing guy's stuff, they telling me how cute/pretty I am...) but now I have a bf so I'm kinda keeping a distance to guys (oh btw, i think thats the reason why I dont really talk to my bf's friends cuz they're all guys...but then i end up just tagging along which sucks too)...but I still see them as my friends and I like to chat/hang around with them...am I not allowed to do that now (even if they know that I have a bf)? That would be lame, cuz most of my friends are guys and if i can only talk to my girl-friends now...

did/do you just stopped being in contact with any of your guy-friends after you had a bf?

edit: i spend most of my time with my bf so ppl tell me to give him some space and spend time with my other friends, but on the other hand my other friends are guys?? so what to do??

[peppermintsugar]

@ PristineNyte

I am/was like that too (hanging around with mostly guys, some of them having a crush on me, being friendly and cheerful, doing guy's stuff, they telling me how cute/pretty I am...) but now I have a bf so I'm kinda keeping a distance to guys (oh btw, i think thats the reason why I dont really talk to my bf's friends cuz they're all guys...but then i end up just tagging along which sucks too)...but I still see them as my friends and I like to chat/hang around with them...am I not allowed to do that now (even if they know that I have a bf)? That would be lame, cuz most of my friends are guys and if i can only talk to my girl-friends now...

did/do you just stopped being in contact with any of your guy-friends after you had a bf?

edit: i spend most of my time with my bf so ppl tell me to give him some space and spend time with my other friends, but on the other hand my other friends are guys?? so what to do??

Sounds like our relationships are extremely similar. To answer your first question with more of an explanation; I consider some of my "friends" now to be some of my boyfriends friends -- people I met through dating him. Two of them are guys, one of them my boyfriend thinks is in love with me (lol) so I try to be very cautious with what I do and say around him, but the other one has had a girlfriend for like, six years, and I feel much more comfortable around him. I'm still careful not to be too playful or friendly with him, but I at least don't feel like I have to worry about him ever liking me, or my boyfriend ever worrying about that.

Yes, I did stop being in contact with a lot of my guy friends. NOT because my boyfriend made me or anything like that, but because those so called "friends" were very disrespectful to me and my relationship. They wouldn't stop saying derogatory comments even when I asked them to stop, and it did visibly make my boyfriend upset, so I just stopped talking to them in general. No stupid boy that wants to hook up with me is worth losing my relationship over.

I live with my boyfriend, so there's no "friend time" for either of us. Trying to think of what I would do if I were in your situation; if my friends were all dudes and I didn't live with my boyfriend, and honestly, it's pretty tough. Obviously no one wants to just sit at home and do nothing all of the time, but if you feel as though your friends are going to be a negative influence like MINE were, then it might be best not to hang out with them :| However, if you feel as though your friends are good, respectful, people, and it doesn't bother your boyfriend for you to be spending time with them, then I don't see the problem. Just try to stay away from obvious negative situations -- things like dates (movies/dinners/etc etc), or inviting them over at night/going to their homes at night.

Hope this helped :> It works with me and my boyfriend, at least!

[Shuga]

"Being in constant contact with a man pretty much means you like him to him. It sucks, but it's true a lot of the time. He thinks he's gonna get some."


So there's no such thing as a male best friend, unless he's your s/o/boyfriend?


EDIT: I'll just chime things in from my experience. I had this trouble too. For a while, I became VERY introverted and 'cold', in my opinion. Apparently, I was still an extrovert, but for a while, I didn't dare to talk to boys. And guess what? The guys I met even though I was quiet still managed to like me. I think some things you can't control. What you can control is that you do not say anything or do anything suggestive or flirtatious - and don't treat a guy friend differently from another guy friend. But if they still fall for you, then... it's not anyone's fault. It's just how things became. In that case, you'd have to make it clear that you aren't interested in them romantically. If they decide not to speak to you afterwards, then that's their choice. It might be awkward for a while, but don't fall into the trap of chasing up with them and longing for their companionship, because that just screams I LOVE YOU.

[rachilde]

I always take the balls-out approach and talk about it with the guy or girl in question. For example, one of my friends from undergrad offered to fly me to Hawaii and pay for all my expenses in Honolulu for a week in December. Then yesterday, while I was microwaving something or other, he surprised me with a call from Munich and I decided to ask him about what he wanted from me while we were in Hawaii and, basically, told him that I'd love to go but that I wouldn't mess around with him or anything like that. He assured me that whatever I wanted would be respected and all he wanted was to see me and make fun of my lack of surfing abilities and have a nice, relaxing week on the beach before getting back to work.

Sure, it's kind of awkward and bulky to be handing what sounds like a Terms and Conditions to a guy friend every time you go out to brunch or go on a road trip, but it's always saved me a lot of hassle--and it's enabled me to just be myself with my guy friends too. For example, my guy friend from Iran and I love to give each other pecks on the lips as greetings but we've already talked through everything and have agreed that we're just affectionate, platonic friends. Every friendship has its own quirks and limitations and the only way to accommodate for each friendship is to talk to every one of your guy friends personally. Of course, there will be some people who will be bitter and some people who will refuse to acknowledge your opinions. There will still be people who will maintain crushes on you. But, you'll find the friendship will be that much better when you know the limits of it.

"Being in constant contact with a man pretty much means you like him to him. It sucks, but it's true a lot of the time. He thinks he's gonna get some."


mini cooperEEEE. So there's no such thing as a male best friend, unless he's your s/o/boyfriend? I KNEW IT.

Gay friends are a girl's best friend. They can open pickle jars, lift heavy objects, reach things on top shelves, and shop for fierce shoes for hours.

[pandibeari]

Yup! But the sad thing is, I'm not particularly flirtatious (seriously, I'm not). I just listened to the poor guys talk. I'm not even overly nice, so when they would ask me out or tell me they like me, I'd say "aww, that's sweet, but sorry!" but... most of them just didn't get it. Once it reaches that point, though, I don't think I'm leading anyone on. Those situations are just misunderstandings that can't get through to a stubborn guy.

[Lie]

I'd agree with the things that PristineNyte mentioned in regards to the way guys read girls. Let me be completely honest, if a guy is physically attracted to you, there's almost no way he's going to be friends with you without wanting a relationship with you at some point. This isn't the case for every guy, but it is for the majority of us. The majority of girls who are friends with guys have no ulterior or subconscious motives to get with him, they just see them as a friend and that's that. With guys, I think it's safe to say it's about 50/50. 90/10 if he's physically attracted to you.

If a guy is constantly paying for you, buying you things, wants to talk to you everyday, or jokes with you a lot about how attractive you are, you have a really, really good chance that he's attracted to you. I'm sure there are guys who go out of their way to talk to their best female friend everyday, but I think they are in the vast minority. Consider why a guy might be trying to get close to you, be around you all the time, etc. It could be harmless, he might just be lonely and want a friend, but there's a significant chance that he's interested.

The best way to let someone know you're not interested is to BE DIRECT (if he's oblivious or in denial, as seemed to be the case with the guy in PristineNyte's case, he may ignore even that). I've noticed that girls tend to be bad at this, or they are intentionally bad at it because they don't want to be a called a pinkberry. Sometimes it's better to be a pinkberry and to free him up to go bother someone else. You're doing the guy a favor in the long-term. There are some girls who genuinely string a guy along because they like the attention he gives her, even if she doesn't like him back--don't be one of those girls.

[klassikm3]

i have a few guy friends and i talk to them often. i text them and stuff and my sister thinks i'm leading them on or something. but you know, i'm just chatting with them. i tell my friends the conversation that i have with them and they think i flirt with them and stuff. but no that's not the case. i just wanna be friends.

[hiswendy]

If they decide not to speak to you afterwards, then that's their choice. It might be awkward for a while, but don't fall into the trap of chasing up with them and longing for their companionship, because that just screams I LOVE YOU.

Waaaahhh =O so that's what it is

[onhotwires]

I also agree w/ prinstinenyte... A long long time ago I talked to one of my guy friends about this girl that he used to like. And basically he said that he used to think that even if she wasn't interested in him and was into other guys he hoped that one day she'd realized that he was the one who was always there. or something like that.

I think that sometimes, you have to essentially "ruin" yourself for the guy. In other words, you have to show some terrible or unattractive quality of yourself that would make him either no longer see you as a girlfriend material or make him see you as one of the guys. Of course, that might not work either. ^^;;

[Amethist]

I have a lot of guy friends, and I guess my "being nice" has also been seen the wrong way by some of my guy friends. Mostly when I notice a guy friend of me really likes me I just try to act cold, but it seems that some of them still don't get the message then *sigh*. I've never been called a tease though (luckily).

[Fila]

I used to randomly chat up my guy friends on aim/facebook/msn because they used to do the same to me, or I wanted to talk. But now I don't, because of a select few who read more into what I thought were casual convos.

The problem is, I was also very shy back then and didn't just talk to random people because I can, so anyone I'd talk to for longer than a few hours is someone I consider to be a good [platonic] friend. While I'd leave our conversation thinking, "Wow, I have a very good friend in [this person]," to other people, that means paying someone a lot of attention than any one person normally would. To those select few, it equates to romantic interest.

I hate having to watch what I say for fear of someone getting the wrong message, I prefer to tell the guy directly that I don't see him as someone I'd like to go out with. On the flip side, whenever I happen to develop feelings for someone, it might take me a while, but I tell them that I like them. Like how some above have said, being direct is a good thing to be in these situations.

[peppermintsugar]

"Being in constant contact with a man pretty much means you like him to him. It sucks, but it's true a lot of the time. He thinks he's gonna get some."


So there's no such thing as a male best friend, unless he's your s/o/boyfriend?


EDIT: I'll just chime things in from my experience. I had this trouble too. For a while, I became VERY introverted and 'cold', in my opinion. Apparently, I was still an extrovert, but for a while, I didn't dare to talk to boys. And guess what? The guys I met even though I was quiet still managed to like me. I think some things you can't control. What you can control is that you do not say anything or do anything suggestive or flirtatious - and don't treat a guy friend differently from another guy friend. But if they still fall for you, then... it's not anyone's fault. It's just how things became. In that case, you'd have to make it clear that you aren't interested in them romantically. If they decide not to speak to you afterwards, then that's their choice. It might be awkward for a while, but don't fall into the trap of chasing up with them and longing for their companionship, because that just screams I LOVE YOU.

It sucks, but from my own personal experience, it sort of seems that way a lot of the time. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, and I'm sure you'll find plenty of guys (well, maybe not plenty haha) who have no problem being JUST friends. Just. . .you can't really go looking for it, haha.

I always take the balls-out approach and talk about it with the guy or girl in question. For example, one of my friends from undergrad offered to fly me to Hawaii and pay for all my expenses in Honolulu for a week in December. Then yesterday, while I was microwaving something or other, he surprised me with a call from Munich and I decided to ask him about what he wanted from me while we were in Hawaii and, basically, told him that I'd love to go but that I wouldn't mess around with him or anything like that. He assured me that whatever I wanted would be respected and all he wanted was to see me and make fun of my lack of surfing abilities and have a nice, relaxing week on the beach before getting back to work.

Sure, it's kind of awkward and bulky to be handing what sounds like a Terms and Conditions to a guy friend every time you go out to brunch or go on a road trip, but it's always saved me a lot of hassle--and it's enabled me to just be myself with my guy friends too. For example, my guy friend from Iran and I love to give each other pecks on the lips as greetings but we've already talked through everything and have agreed that we're just affectionate, platonic friends. Every friendship has its own quirks and limitations and the only way to accommodate for each friendship is to talk to every one of your guy friends personally. Of course, there will be some people who will be bitter and some people who will refuse to acknowledge your opinions. There will still be people who will maintain crushes on you. But, you'll find the friendship will be that much better when you know the limits of it.



Gay friends are a girl's best friend. They can open pickle jars, lift heavy objects, reach things on top shelves, and shop for fierce shoes for hours.

See, this is a great example of how to handle a situation like that. You just have to lay everything down on the line. Perfectly. So there can be no misunderstandings whatsoever.

And yes, gay men are wonderful. One of my best friends is, and he is the best at shoe shopping I tell ya!

I'd agree with the things that PristineNyte mentioned in regards to the way guys read girls. Let me be completely honest, if a guy is physically attracted to you, there's almost no way he's going to be friends with you without wanting a relationship with you at some point. This isn't the case for every guy, but it is for the majority of us. The majority of girls who are friends with guys have no ulterior or subconscious motives to get with him, they just see them as a friend and that's that. With guys, I think it's safe to say it's about 50/50. 90/10 if he's physically attracted to you.

If a guy is constantly paying for you, buying you things, wants to talk to you everyday, or jokes with you a lot about how attractive you are, you have a really, really good chance that he's attracted to you. I'm sure there are guys who go out of their way to talk to their best female friend everyday, but I think they are in the vast minority. Consider why a guy might be trying to get close to you, be around you all the time, etc. It could be harmless, he might just be lonely and want a friend, but there's a significant chance that he's interested.

The best way to let someone know you're not interested is to BE DIRECT (if he's oblivious or in denial, as seemed to be the case with the guy in PristineNyte's case, he may ignore even that). I've noticed that girls tend to be bad at this, or they are intentionally bad at it because they don't want to be a called a pinkberry. Sometimes it's better to be a pinkberry and to free him up to go bother someone else. You're doing the guy a favor in the long-term. There are some girls who genuinely string a guy along because they like the attention he gives her, even if she doesn't like him back--don't be one of those girls.

All of this is so, so, true. I think this might have been said in better words than I tried to explain it!

[Octopus__]

I've learned, really, the guy may just be nuts. I had a
situation where I didn't intend for anything to happen,
just wanted to start talking since we haven't in years,
and he takes it wrong and is suddenly crazy about me.
He found out where I lived -visited uninvited many times-,
'discovered' my cell phone number, and called EVERY
DAY. I didn't know how to put him down, so I just..
stopped talking to him and acknowledging him. I know it
may sound rude and completely insensitive, but.. he knew
where I lived without me telling him. It was very creepy.
I mean really.. does "Hey! I haven't spoken to you in
six years. How are you?" sound like flirting? I don't really
think so. >>;

I do have a few guy friends. I think the line.. is just there
when you've known each other so long. By line, I mean the
we're practically siblings line. Well, it is for me. I've
known my best friend, non gay amazingly, since kindergarten
and we're just siblings, lol. We have a lot of skinship that
make people think we're dating, but it's just that comfortable
'piggy back me, please' kind of thing. Idk how to explain it
because our relationship is weird.

[peppermintsugar]

I just feel like guys convince themselves of whatever they want sometimes >.> Not ALL of you guys, of course, but some of you sometimes. . .I guess you just end up wanting and liking a girl so much that it gets in the way of everything else.

Like in my aforementioned situation with R and P. I was friends with R for like, two years, and like I said, I was always very honest about my not wanting a relationship with him, but he just did things -- I guess to try and make me change my mind? Even though I was still very insistent and clear about what I did and didn't want. Then, when what I did want happened to be someone I met through him, P, it ended up ruining our friendship. I think a lot because he compared himself to P, and P was better than him at almost everything; Better at video games, more money, better looking, etc etc. He just didn't seem like he could move on from P and I seeing each other. When he did try to hang out with me, he was very sour and cold to me. Why would I want to hang out with him if he's being like that?

Sigh, lol.

[DRELLA.]

my friends used to tease me by saying that i 'flirt way too much'. I don't get it cause i'm usually just nice to people and i know when i flirt or not. and if i do, it's totally differently. there's this one time when a bunch of little girls cursed me out cause apparently i was intentionally leading on some kid's boyfriend. which was weird cause all i said to him was "i like your shoes." -__- but apparently he thought that i was trying to flirt with him so he broke up with his girl friend and told everyone about it. so i had a bunch of 8th graders calling me a s.lut and crap.